Normal or nuts (feelings, woman, emotion, relationship)
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OP, just so you know, I only read your OP (opening post) & didn't go through the thread. Some people never grow up no matter how old they get & he's one of those people. He must have been a hotheaded, dramatic mess in his younger years.
Don't worry about him so much, but you can try to do as much "damage control" by telling your mutual friends that he's a hothead who's not to be believed if he's telling lies/rumors about you to them. Hopefully, they'll believe YOU because you've known them a LOT longer than they've known him.
Other than that, just do the best you can & have fun playing at your gigs! You should maybe spend a little more time doing a different hobby at times too, so your thoughts & mindset are NOT completely on the music, HIM, & how he wronged you.
Thanks. Well music has become a total obsession now. I have been flooded with ideas for songs, and I want to get them written while I have the time. I am also determined to get better at singing. I have other hobbies and interests, but right now music has to be the priority.
Yes he is a hot head and probably has always been. When he feels insulted by someone he doesn't hide it.
I have tried a little damage control but it's so hard because people don't want to hear long drama stories. That's why I'm here, because different people respond and I can keep writing more and more. I can't talk about this too much to friends, they won't have the patience.
You can only control your own thoughts and actions. Guess what: that's just as true for Mr. Madd! He may try to get everyone he knows to hate you, but that in no way means he'll succeed. People will make up their own minds based on what they see and hear over time, regardless of what he says to them. He has no power over you, and ultimately he has no power over them either. The others you know are independent agents, not his puppets. So there's no need to worry about it.
I agree with the others: stop letting this jerk live rent-free in your head. Get on with your music, and have fun playing it. If Mr. Madd shows up at a venue where you are playing, be polite but distant with him (and never allow yourself to be alone with him, for the sake of safety). Eventually he'll tire of his manipulative games and find another victim to play with, and then he'll be out of your life for good.
Do you think he would try to physically hurt me? That thought keeps entering my mind but then I think no that isn't possible, no one could be that crazy. I am scared though.
Do you think he would try to physically hurt me? That thought keeps entering my mind but then I think no that isn't possible, no one could be that crazy. I am scared though.
Never be alone with him - but you shouldn’t be seeing him anyway (other than in public when you have to in your work). Don’t accept phone calls, texts, etc. If you ever feel threatened, take measures immediately i.e. reporting it, installing cameras, etc.
If he is that much of a hot-headed mess, there’s no need for ‘damage control’, gossip, or wasting your time talking about him. All that does is prove you haven’t let go of the toxic situation (and it’s consuming your thoughts). The best thing you can do is get him out of your head (and that means not making him the topic of conversation with your friends) - and focus on the people who truly know you and support you, as well as your music/work. That’s the way to optimal psychological health - surround yourself with positive people who help to build you up, not people who wish to drag others down - because the latter is a very temporary fix to what can become a perpetual problem. The key is to focus on you (positive), not him.
That is true. I can't control the damage. None of us ever know what other people are saying about us. All we can do is try to be considerate and respectful of others and hope they appreciate us. Some will and some won't.
Never be alone with him - but you shouldn’t be seeing him anyway (other than in public when you have to).
No, I wouldn't be anywhere alone with him. But do you think I have a reason to be scared? I mean, could he be angry enough to want to physically hurt me? I guess it's possible, but I wonder how likely.
Do you think he would try to physically hurt me? That thought keeps entering my mind but then I think no that isn't possible, no one could be that crazy.
Millions of women can tell you from bitter personal experience that, yes, it's absolutely possible for someone to be that crazy. Is Mr. Madd that crazy? We can't know, but why take that chance? You don't need this guy in your life, you need him out of it, so there's no good reason to ever be alone with him.
Quote:
I am scared though.
NEVER ignore that feeling! You are frightened of him for a reason. Keep him at a distance.
No, I wouldn't be anywhere alone with him. But do you think I have a reason to be scared? I mean, could he be angry enough to want to physically hurt me? I guess it's possible, but I wonder how likely.
I’m not an expert on abuse - and I don’t personally know your situation (or him). But if you are careful and no longer have any kind of relationship with him (and never put yourself alone with him), I doubt it (he wouldn’t have the opportunity). That said, there are ways you can still be cautious about your own personal safety.
Now you just have to work on your psychological health - and get him out of your head. You can do it!
This conversation is kinda reminding me of my lifelong boyfriend who died last year. I loved him like crazy, and still do. But I was ALWAYS afraid of doing or saying something that would cause him to reject me. Any time I did or said something he didn't like, he would reject me. But then it turned out he didn't really mean it.
But that's how he had me under control. And I guess I took a similar approach with Mr. Madd. I didn't want to be rejected. I was so relieved when we got back together last fall.
Yes, fear of being rejected is a big thing in my life. Fear of people not liking me. And now I'm really getting it. Maybe now I have to finally stop caring, somehow.
Have you considered therapy? A therapist could really help build your self esteem and move passed your fear of rejection.
And what I am wondering is does this sound like an unusual situation? Sometimes I wonder if I'm cursed. I finally got to retire, I finally got to spend all my time doing something I love and always wanted to spend all my time on.
And then I got a complicated situation. Does this kind of thing happen to everyone at times?
We all have to deal with jerks or people we don't like at some point, and depending on the situation or the individuals involved, it can sometimes be very difficult. But that doesn't mean you should have to put up with it.
I had a boss who would alternatively bully me in public meetings and then right after run to my office and praise me. It started out that I was the golden person and then it deteriorated. It was about my competence and his trying to cut me down in public. (He liked an audience.) He also preferred people who would sit in his office and BS with him which wasn't my style. You really can't hid your talents and sometimes there is jealousy beyond your control. It finally came to became an intolerable situation and I decided to leave. I was always civil, I never complained to co-workers (although they witnessed it first hand). When I saw him about a year later, I was cordial. It's not my nature to ignore people and I wanted him to think I was better off without him. So, if I were you I would be cordial but not spend any time with him that wasn't necessary and give him the impression that you are doing just fine. How he responds is up to him but do not get intimidated, just walk away.
When this boss announced I was leaving, one of my respected colleagues said how much he would miss me and appreciated all that I had done. Guess who was his next victim?
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