How to Fight Back Against Scapegoating in Family (vindictive, counselor, narcissists)
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It takes time, & persistence to change others' views
How long have you been the family scapegoat? If it's a long time, it'll probably take a fair amount of drama.
Mostly, it's practice. Go verbal, don't shut down, don't run away. Stand your ground as best you can, control your body language, tone of voice, etc. Sound reasonable. You can find stuff - practice material, articles, books, advice online, or try your library.
It's typically under self-assertiveness, or something like that.
The part you have most control over is the pain. Where does it come from, if the situation is not your fault? I mean, I get it, but I would look at that.
Second, I would look at what degree of relationship you want with your family. It is not implicit that you should or should not have this or that level of relationship. Some things are not worth saving. On a scale from loving, perfect family to locks daughter in cellar and fathers family with her, what is the situation in your family? It may fall far enough towards the negative end that it's not worth saving. People are cruel, vindictive, liars, manipulative, etc. in all sorts of ways that fall short of knifing an actual family member. If it's that situation, not sure I see the point of working it out.
The role you have is not about you. It's about somebody else. It's about how they see themselves. They are likely very reluctant to change. They may even have stories about how they try to help you and you're ungrateful. That's not about you, either. It's also about the storyteller, and how they want other people to view them. You can't change that. It's inside another person's head. It may be a minor annoyance. It may be a major issue, with consequences in terms of employment, physical safety, freedom, and so on. You have to decide what is going on, and what the possibilities are.
I just remembered, having created two threads on various problems I am having that I am the family scapegoat. It is very painful.
I want to learn how to reject that role. I don't want to be a victim.
It is hard, because I don't want to cause a scene or create any dramas.
What I have been doing is avoiding certain people, and trying to cope with having been assigned this role.
If anyone has any experience in bucking the role in their family (and still keeping the peace), please share.
Yes, I would say I was in a similar role with my parents, and it was painful and also infuriating. And because parents deal the deck traditionally it is difficult to change the game.
I would make the bold statement that as much as you hate your role, those who have the roles of your bullies love theirs. If you get it together more than you already have, they will probably fight you tooth and nail - after all, you are wrecking the game....and there you are again, a scapegoat.
Keep the peace? You will be have to be a game-wrecker in order to get achieve some happiness for yourself. Sorry to say this, but I think you are setting yourself up to lose. You want to achieve what sounds like a reasonable goal with what sounds like a weak will.
There will be scenes, there will be drama. Why the hell would there not be? If they are bullies when you knuckle under, how can you reasonably believe they will not be furious.....and you had better be prepared. Separating from people who brutalize you is a great idea. Don't cope, give the effing game up and have a decent life, maybe even a happy life.
Scapegoating is a product of narcissism. If there are any other syndromes it's associated with, I don't know. But it means there's nothing you can do about it, because the people doing it won't/can't change. It's part of a personality disorder. The only "solution" that I know of, is to opt out of the family, or distance yourself to the extent possible, showing up only for the annual Christmas or Thanksgiving get-together, or whatever the major family occasion is.
We don't know what your situation is, exactly, or what you hope to achieve, OP, but I don't think there are many options. You say it's painful. That may be, because you're hoping to have a loving relationship with your family members? Or at least, a respectful one? If something along those lines is part of your scenario, it's time to accept the fact that they're not capable of being who you'd like them to be. It's not going to happen. Create your own "family" from a circle of friends, if you haven't done that already. Grieve the loss of the family you wish you had, and move on to nurture and support yourself, emotionally.
I've seen cases in which a child, upon reaching adulthood, moved across the country from parents, and made a wonderful life after cutting off all contact with the emotionally abusive/scapegoating parent. Others keep the problematic family member at arm's length, communicating infrequently, and living at a distance.
Consider seeing a counselor who specializes in family dynamics, for a few sessions, just to get it off your chest, get a helpful perspective over it from a professional, and get some support to do what you have to do, to minimize the problem.
do the minimum that makes sense in the "big picture"--superficial relations=superficial contact.
why should they get more than they give, or 'give' with a hidden "price tag"?
do what's worked in the past, and point out same -- the fantasy is a double standard, not fairness
example : "that wasn't a problem before (opting out), and oh, haven't you done that, too?" (emotional blackmail about "being nice" and hypocritical "responsibility for this" roles. *you* have a right to do things your way as well.
be matter-of-fact and calm, question rather than 'just answer' (feeding a fantasy expectation), change the subject, go to the restroom--and keep some personal space for yourself; it won't be 'given' to you if there's nothing in it for them.
I just remembered, having created two threads on various problems I am having that I am the family scapegoat. It is very painful.
I want to learn how to reject that role.
I don't want to be a victim.
It is hard, because I don't want to cause a scene or create any dramas.
What I have been doing is avoiding certain people, and trying to cope with having been assigned this role.
If anyone has any experience in bucking the role in their family (and still keeping the peace), please share.
Anytime I feel somebody has assigned me a role without my consent, I start inconveniencing them. In other words, I stop trying so hard. Avoiding a person is trying too hard in my book.
You can’t keep the peace if you stop being the scapegoat,and the fact that you want to keep the peace at all cost is why you are the scapegoat. The first step is no longer trying to appease,please or placate. To accept you can’t make them change. There does not have to be drama or scenes,you just recognize when someone is scapegoating and you walk away from it. You start setting healthy boundaries by determining how you don’t want to be talked to(criticized or blamed) and then a action that establishes cause and effect. I had a friend once who thought shouting at me was okay because she was upset , I warned her if she shouted at me again we were done. She shouted on the phone so loud my husband heard it upstairs. I said we are done and put the phone down. She apologized but I don’t allow anybody to talk to me like.
I don't know if most scapegoating is unconscious, but in the case of my family, I believe it is.
There is a ring-leader who appears rational and "nice" who trashes me. Other people join in for some reason (not sure in each case what it could be).
I know the larger issue is that I tend to expose the truth and "they" don't want to talk about it or acknowledge it, so I am an easy target.
The scapegoating is a comment here, a look there, an action here - all very random - they "can" be nice (like on my birthday), but in a group dynamic it's interesting (and painful) to watch their antics.
They can't be confronted as a group because they would attack. Individually, they would each deny or call me "too sensitive," and would gaslight any situations that occurred.
I don't think they are all narcissists - they have those traits (as I believe all people do to one extent or another).
I think you need to talk about this with a professional counselor or therapist, especially if causes you pain. Other posters are correct. YOU are not the problem; other family members are.
The only thing you can control is your reactions to their actions; you will likely not be able to change them.
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It takes time, & persistence to change others' views
