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Old 04-12-2019, 11:25 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,216 posts, read 14,446,786 times
Reputation: 39057

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I have come to a place of having to accept that there are people who will believe things about me that are not true and that there's nothing I can do about that.

When I can, I just distance myself from such a person and have nothing to do with them. If I even feel judged, I don't need someone in my life. I've let most of my family fade out of my life because they chose to think the worst of me, chose to judge me, and turned their backs on me when they could have made a positive difference...so who needs 'em? Fact is I am now succeeding without them and if they were in my life, they'd want things of me. Being in my inner circle means having access to certain of my resources and not everyone deserves my time, effort, creative energy, money, or anything. I don't reward people for treating me in ways I don't want to be treated anymore.

My ex has crafted a whole bunch of lies and stories to make himself feel better about our divorce. I've even got proof that he is lying in a couple of cases. But there's no point in trying to take the stand and make my case in some imaginary court of "my reality is right and yours is wrong" here. What is more liberating is to just not care what he thinks, or what he says to other people. If said third parties want to believe him, they can be his friends and not mine. I hope they enjoy their new roles as moral support for a crazy person and money lenders to the chronically unemployed. They'd better clear off their couches. Dude ruined his own life so he can stand there screaming "She ruined my life! See? It's ruined!" It's ridiculous.

But we still have a son to finish raising as (technically) co-parents, and much as I just don't have any forks to give about whatever the ex might be on about today...I do still have to deal with him sometimes. And he is not 100% terrible to our sons, who can at least see through most of his BS.

Anyhow. I don't have the energy to be angry. I am, at heart, rather lazy.

So my way of handling these things...normal or not...is to not care. To accept that I cannot control other people, including whatever they have chosen to believe.
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:07 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
9,512 posts, read 6,020,437 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
I have severe ADD (along with occasional anxiety and depression) and my reactions are not what would be considered "neurotypical" - i absolutely will never take a lie detector test. The way my brain jumps around, a question could trigger a memory of or association with an experience from decades ago that has nothing to do with the topic at hand and I would react in a seriously abnormal way. With my anxiety I can create convoluted stories in my head that verge on delusional. I once convinced myself after running over a collapsed box in the middle of the highway late at night that I had instead run over a homeless person. No rational reason, but I had to loop back and reassure myself that I was being ridiculous.

IMO, there are no "normal" reactions and a mentally ill person having an episode would not know how to recognize anything other than what their brain is telling them is the truth.
Oh wow; I never thought about this but you are right! I have severe ADD & I’ll be talking to somebody about one thing & they will say something or mention a name that reminds of something completely irrelevant & I practically have to tape my mouth shut to avoid blurting out; “Oh yeah! That reminds me ...!”

It hadn’t occurred to me that if I were wired up to a polygraph they would probably have a hard time just establishing a baseline for me.
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:13 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
9,512 posts, read 6,020,437 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by irootoo View Post
I know for sure an angry reaction doesn't always mean guilt. I can think of an example from my twenties.
I know someone who is a very honest person & couldn’t pull off a lie if his life depended on it, yet he overreacts with anger & hostility at merely being questioned about something.

It’s kind of disorienting because I see that type of overreaction as being indicative of guilt.
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:20 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,596,459 times
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I am puzzled as to why you continue to have contact with this person.

I tend to cut angry weird people out of my life. It's easy.
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Old 04-12-2019, 05:53 PM
 
13,256 posts, read 8,336,284 times
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When confronted with: dear you didn't take the garbage out. Answer : yes or no.
It's that simple.
When falsely accused, go bonkers! That gives the accuser fuel to escalate the matter. Nothing like putting oil to the fire. Thru out my career I have been falsely accused of stealing from the registry or not filing my deposits. I'd end up being written up and after which I'd do their work and find the deposit or calculated results. Never would they apologize and to make it worse....when it happened again....I had to once again remind them to check the deposit envelopes. It's daunting after awhile...and yes it does ruffle my feathers. I've eaten my fair share of humble pie when I was wrong...but dang ...where is the respect to apologize when the accuser was clearly wrong.
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Old 04-14-2019, 04:53 PM
 
Location: Kingdom of Corn
438 posts, read 268,156 times
Reputation: 1268
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
. . .
So my way of handling these things...normal or not...is to not care. To accept that I cannot control other people, including whatever they have chosen to believe.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
I am puzzled as to why you continue to have contact with this person.

I tend to cut angry weird people out of my life. It's easy.

Listen to all the wise people in this thread.

And you have given yourself the best advice, as well: "I would like to try having a different reaction."

DO have a different reaction. It's your right, and no one can stop you. Angry denials and fighting haven't worked for 25 years, so stop doing that!

Decide ahead of time what you will do, then do it. For 25 years this person has been predictable in falsely accusing you, and you have been predictable in taking offense. You are the only one who can break the pattern. It's up to you to refuse to participate in the dysfunction any more. Laugh at them. Leave the room. Leave the house. Put on headphones and ignore them. Go take a hot, relaxing shower. There are so many options, so pick one that strikes your fancy, and do it each time this person tries to engage you.

The key is you, so make the choice to ignore, ignore, ignore.
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Old 04-14-2019, 06:49 PM
 
2,020 posts, read 1,107,873 times
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A reaction is as individual as the person.

Eventually, if you allow yourself, you will get to a point where you no longer care to defend yourself against false accusations. It will truly liberate you.
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Old 04-20-2019, 12:30 PM
 
892 posts, read 478,458 times
Reputation: 704
shock that the other person would try this. especially if they seemed okay before that happened. i like Spuggy's points about the topic.
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Old 04-20-2019, 12:33 PM
 
892 posts, read 478,458 times
Reputation: 704
my mother's response would just be a matter-of-fact, neutral : "so you say". not much to 'react' to after that. just making it clear where "it" is coming from. they either 'own' responsibility for what they are saying, or not.
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Old 04-20-2019, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Riding a rock floating through space
2,660 posts, read 1,534,108 times
Reputation: 6359
I would have probably stopped talking to them after the first such incident. It's hard to imagine you have been putting up with being called a liar and thief every 3 months for 25 years.
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