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How does one come to terms by accepting the fact that he'll be alone until his last days? Not looking for pity, trust when I say, I feel sorry enough for myself as it is. No, I am not an incel, but I was in a massive accident a few years ago which has left me in chronic pain. Suicide headaches, chronic migraines, multiple herniated discs (8 total), IBS-C, IBD, fibromyalgia and chronic kidney stones. It's a pretty crappy life in terms of social and daily pain. I fully work (at home) and never been on disability or any type of assistance programs. I can take care of myself. I've always handled my medical issues on my own. Never bothered a person to assist me.
My wife basically left me because she didn't want to be with someone with so many medical issues. These were clearly disclosed prior to engagement. She even said your issues don't effect me, so it will not be a problem. She first offered an open marriage, and I declined so I filed for divorce. That's not a marriage. I've dated before, but they bail once they learn that I have these issues. Since these issues are internal, they do not show. I disclosed them twice to two other women, they jetted. I've tried online dating, apparently I am just too ugly to not attract a single woman. Honestly, I messaged questions on something in their profile or a picture, no response. I literally messaged over 1200 women over a few months. Not one reply.
So, I just have figure out how to block the want to be with a woman. How does one do this? I am sure it's possible. Looking for advice on how to do this. I will say, I did meet a woman recently. She actually told me she felt bad for me and that's why she met me for a drink. I felt like 2 inches. I excused myself and left the place, blocked her number. I never felt more low in my life until I heard that statement. I never thought I was this ugly. But, I guess it also explains why every girl I asked out in high school and college turned me down. I'm 34 btw, turning 35 on Tuesday. I'll be celebrating on my own. Sadly, I was in such pain during the rehab I shunned all my friends. I did reach out a few years later, but I guess it was too late. None were interested in doing anything with me or even catching up. So, that's my pathetic story.
How do I block these feelings? They are incredibly annoying and I am sure there is a way to suppress them. They really mess with my head sometimes. I just want these feelings to cease. Thank you.
If you go on the relationships board, many people there say they are happy being alone and single. You might ask some of them what their strategies are.
Many people with medical problems or disabilities are happily married.
How does one come to terms by accepting the fact that he'll be alone until his last days? Not looking for pity, trust when I say, I feel sorry enough for myself as it is. No, I am not an incel, but I was in a massive accident a few years ago which has left me in chronic pain. Suicide headaches, chronic migraines, multiple herniated discs (8 total), IBS-C, IBD, fibromyalgia and chronic kidney stones. It's a pretty crappy life in terms of social and daily pain. I fully work (at home) and never been on disability or any type of assistance programs. I can take care of myself. I've always handled my medical issues on my own. Never bothered a person to assist me.
My wife basically left me because she didn't want to be with someone with so many medical issues. These were clearly disclosed prior to engagement. She even said your issues don't effect me, so it will not be a problem. She first offered an open marriage, and I declined so I filed for divorce. That's not a marriage. I've dated before, but they bail once they learn that I have these issues. Since these issues are internal, they do not show. I disclosed them twice to two other women, they jetted. I've tried online dating, apparently I am just too ugly to not attract a single woman. Honestly, I messaged questions on something in their profile or a picture, no response. I literally messaged over 1200 women over a few months. Not one reply.
So, I just have figure out how to block the want to be with a woman. How does one do this? I am sure it's possible. Looking for advice on how to do this. I will say, I did meet a woman recently. She actually told me she felt bad for me and that's why she met me for a drink. I felt like 2 inches. I excused myself and left the place, blocked her number. I never felt more low in my life until I heard that statement. I never thought I was this ugly. But, I guess it also explains why every girl I asked out in high school and college turned me down. I'm 34 btw, turning 35 on Tuesday. I'll be celebrating on my own. Sadly, I was in such pain during the rehab I shunned all my friends. I did reach out a few years later, but I guess it was too late. None were interested in doing anything with me or even catching up. So, that's my pathetic story.
How do I block these feelings? They are incredibly annoying and I am sure there is a way to suppress them. They really mess with my head sometimes. I just want these feelings to cease. Thank you.
I doubt anyone will claim they got rid of feelings like this entirely. Not realistic. I wouldn't believe them if they said they did. However, I've found I tend to dwell less on my own troubles if I get out of my own head more often. Instead of flipping endlessly through all my index cards of disadvantages, put the cards away. Who really needs to be reminded?
OK, how to do that? Think about someone other than yourself. You can start off by limiting the amount of time you spend brooding on your troubles and increasing the amount of time you spend thinking about others. It might sound silly, but check the clock. Indulge for a set amount of time and stop when the time is up. You are trying to change a habit.
Seek out others you might be able to assist, listen to, commiserate with because you share things in common. You hear people say that helping others helps you...it is true, and very powerful. Another little benefit is that they are a lot less likely to dismiss or judge you based on superficiality. You've been through a lot so you know a lot. Have felt a lot. You've overcome a lot and could show others how. Someone else may benefit from your experience.
Everyone has their challenges, everyone. Some unfairly more than others obviously. You never know just when you'll develop a wonderful relationship with someone met while you are engaged in something else. However, if you don't change your thinking about all of it you might not notice if someone great walks right up and taps you on the forehead.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-08-2019 at 03:11 PM..
One of my best friends is someone who has been a physical wreck since birth. She has a birth defect that has caused massive issues that affect almost every part of her body. She's had nearly 30 operations in her less than 40 years, is not traditionally attractive by many standards and simply cannot participate in strenuous activities that are popular here in the state where we live. She can be in constant pain from various ailments for days at a time. She still has built a very impressive life. She is an accomplished and respected dog trainer, heads up a department in the state government, has an advanced degree, and when she sets her mind on something she does it. She gave up on dating, but she has a wide circle of friends. She has her down days, as do we all, but she works really hard to manage them and reaches out when she struggles.
I guess what I have learned from her is to keep moving forward and don't be afraid to fall back on your friends when you need help after doing all you can. She had a serious health problem a few years ago while living with me. She was literally at one of her lowest points. She only knows how to go forward though - she just kept moving through it.
She loves trying new things, making friends, meeting new people and just exploring the world. It's hard to find a day when she isn't busy.
She's also one of the kindest people I know - she checks on me religiously when she knows I'm in a bad headspace. She recognizes what she needs from others and is willing to give as much as she asks for. I count her as one of the linchpins of my support system and she'd say the same about me.
Be realistic about the number of spoons you have on any given day. Do what you have to to get by and then with what's left, choose your own adventure. Drive somewhere new, have dinner at a new restaurant (yes, alone!), drop in on a meetup group, volunteer somewhere, take a class. In your friendships, be sure that you are offering support as well as asking for it.
Yeah, I'm a bit in awe of my friend, but never tell her that. One of the big things she ******* about is "inspiration porn" but honestly, I'd be a bit in awe of her even if she wasn't disabled. She's a badass. It's not all sunshine and roses, but on balance, she goes after what she wants.
You have to come to terms with yourself first. you don't need to accept that you will forever be alone, because you won't necessarily be forever alone. Romance may be difficult to find, but friendships are not that difficult.
Accept that while you may have a number of problems in your life, there are other sectors of it that are pretty good.
Thinking in a negative way will guide your actions and life accordingly.
In greek we have a saying:
If you don't look towards where you want to go, you will go towards where you look.
Don't set rules and have an open mind.
I don't have the sort of medical problems that you have, but it's difficult to find someone, because I want something very specific from a relationship. That doesn't mean that I will be forever alone. If I find someone, it will happen naturally. I am already an incredibly lucky person just to be alive and have close people in my life. I don't need more, but if they come I'll welcome them for sure.
Be patient and thankful for the good things/people that you already have or you will meet.
I think you need to find a support group for people in the same boat as you. You definitely need to change your head space, because no one will be attracted to someone who feels sorry for themselves. I'm not saying you don't have a right...of course you have a right to feel sorry for yourself...but the flip side is...no one is attracted to that. But you need friends. You need a group of people where you can be yourself, but yet they will commiserate because they're in the same situation...but maybe with better coping skills, a different outlook, etc. You.Need.Hope.
Thank you for all the kind words. Support groups for what? I do not need pity from others. Besides I do not think there are support groups for ugly people. I went to the department store the other day to buy a new mirror. The lady asked if it was for a gift. I said no, it's for my room, my old one cracked. I swear I felt she mumbled under her lips I can see why. It's humiliating. Just tired of it.
Thank you for all the kind words. Support groups for what? I do not need pity from others. Besides I do not think there are support groups for ugly people. I went to the department store the other day to buy a new mirror. The lady asked if it was for a gift. I said no, it's for my room, my old one cracked. I swear I felt she mumbled under her lips I can see why. It's humiliating. Just tired of it.
I feel the same way. I've given up on dating. I don't even have any friends.
Thank you for all the kind words. Support groups for what? I do not need pity from others. Besides I do not think there are support groups for ugly people. I went to the department store the other day to buy a new mirror. The lady asked if it was for a gift. I said no, it's for my room, my old one cracked. I swear I felt she mumbled under her lips I can see why. It's humiliating. Just tired of it.
Support groups don't exist to hold pity parties. With all the medical conditions you live with don't you think any exist for any of them? Fibromyalgia, IBD, chronic migraine, spinal disc disease, just to name a few. You might be in a position to assist someone else finding ways to cope with one of them, not the other way around. Ugly or not isn't the problem.
As for the department store lady's question...did it ever occur to you she wanted to know if you needed a gift box or wrap? Mirrors are commonly given as housewarming gifts. YOU made an assumption because you are living in your head. Do you honestly think she would blatantly and deliberately insult you over a mirror? Wow. If you assume everyone else is waiting for a chance to reject you things aren't going to change much for the better.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-10-2019 at 02:26 AM..
Wants by themselves are not problems. I can make a long list of wants. If we don't have what we want, we work at a solution at getting it or we never turn it into a problem. It can be something that just sits in the background while we work on what we have now. What gets in the way of this simple arrangement are feelings. Sometimes feelings are identified as the problem and we want to wish them away. Feelings are the effect, rather than the source, of your problems. They exist so we can act. So if wants and feelings are not the problem, what is? It is maladaptive behaviors, behaviors that make your overall situation, not just your lack of companionship, worse.
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