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You are guilty of letting others dictate your life. Why?
Go be yourself. If your family is a hindrance, get space from them. If your car is too expensive, sell it. If you want to be a gay man, live truthfully.
I’m sorry it has taken you so long, but you still have many years left to live your best life.
This is an old thread. A lot has changed in 2019. A lot hasn't as well, but I now have a much clearer perspective on what the actual problem is.
Bottom line is that I loved my family and they had convinced me that if I did love them, I would live in a manner that was pleasing to them. I also simply felt better about myself if I was "living right" i.e. in the closet, going to church, voting Republican, conforming to expectations etc. It was "comfortable" if you will. In 2012 I got involved in a Pentecostal cult also that caused me to fall into some serious warped thinking. That all led me down a pathway of one bad decision after another.
I'm past all that now though. I've paid the car off, made peace with my mom, written off my dad, and left Oklahoma. I was in an eight-month long relationship that had its ups and downs but I learned a lot about myself. That was painful to leave but it was for the best. Still have the same job I had in Oklahoma but I'm hoping to change that next year. Low self-esteem and image issues, depression, and anger about the situation (mostly against the fundamentalist Christian culture that caused it) are still working against me.
I really need to step back and give myself credit for the progress I've made. I need a mind-frame change in how I look it this entire situation and my life now. I tend to write it off because my religious upbringing heavily pounded in that we are "but worms in the eyes of God" and that we are worthless if we aren't conforming to the will of the church. I no longer believe in God but the indoctrination runs deep. Plus, my entire upbringing I could never be good enough for my dad and he managed to turn every happy moment into a traumatic one. I'm not yet to the point where I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I have a lot of insecurities socially because of my sheltered, conservative upbringing. I have sexual dysfunction and lots of internalized homophobia. I'm working on improving though.
From my posts in P&OC it may seem like I'm not improving myself, but I am. I know I need to stop posting in there but it's just so hard for me to control myself. I'm sure it will be easier once the cultural and political winds shift in this country.
This is an old thread. A lot has changed in 2019. A lot hasn't as well, but I now have a much clearer perspective on what the actual problem is.
Bottom line is that I loved my family and they had convinced me that if I did love them, I would live in a manner that was pleasing to them. I also simply felt better about myself if I was "living right" i.e. in the closet, going to church, voting Republican, conforming to expectations etc. It was "comfortable" if you will. In 2012 I got involved in a Pentecostal cult also that caused me to fall into some serious warped thinking. That all led me down a pathway of one bad decision after another.
I'm past all that now though. I've paid the car off, made peace with my mom, written off my dad, and left Oklahoma. I was in an eight-month long relationship that had its ups and downs but I learned a lot about myself. That was painful to leave but it was for the best. Still have the same job I had in Oklahoma but I'm hoping to change that next year. Low self-esteem and image issues, depression, and anger about the situation (mostly against the fundamentalist Christian culture that caused it) are still working against me.
I really need to step back and give myself credit for the progress I've made. I need a mind-frame change in how I look it this entire situation and my life now. I tend to write it off because my religious upbringing heavily pounded in that we are "but worms in the eyes of God" and that we are worthless if we aren't conforming to the will of the church. I no longer believe in God but the indoctrination runs deep. Plus, my entire upbringing I could never be good enough for my dad and he managed to turn every happy moment into a traumatic one. I'm not yet to the point where I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I have a lot of insecurities socially because of my sheltered, conservative upbringing. I have sexual dysfunction and lots of internalized homophobia. I'm working on improving though.
From my posts in P&OC it may seem like I'm not improving myself, but I am. I know I need to stop posting in there but it's just so hard for me to control myself. I'm sure it will be easier once the cultural and political winds shift in this country.
Congratulations for the progress you have made. I wish you would get some counseling with a professional. They could help you sort out your journey to happiness.
I hate to see you leave the church. It’s not all or nothing with religion. There are plenty of mainstream churches that are loving and welcoming. Why not try one of those before you give up on it?
Congratulations for the progress you have made. I wish you would get some counseling with a professional. They could help you sort out your journey to happiness.
Unfortunately it's prohibitively expensive. Maybe when I find another job I'll have more disposable income or better insurance and it will be easier for me to afford it, but right now, I just can't do it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts
I hate to see you leave the church. It’s not all or nothing with religion. There are plenty of mainstream churches that are loving and welcoming. Why not try one of those before you give up on it?
I denomination hopped for years in Oklahoma before giving up on it. Thing is, either the Bible is the inerrant, infallible, literal Word of God or it isn't and I no longer believe the Bible. Plus with the current political situation and culture in this country it would be too painful for me. If I did any kind of church it would be something like a universalist unitarian.
Unfortunately it's prohibitively expensive. Maybe when I find another job I'll have more disposable income or better insurance and it will be easier for me to afford it, but right now, I just can't do it.
Fine. Do it when you can then.
I denomination hopped for years in Oklahoma before giving up on it. Thing is, either the Bible is the inerrant, infallible, literal Word of God or it isn't and I no longer believe the Bible. Plus with the current political situation and culture in this country it would be too painful for me. If I did any kind of church it would be something like a universalist unitarian.
There’s nothing wrong with the Universalists, especially in your case. It’s a pendulum swing from the fundamentalists. You need to find what works for you.
You are running our of excuses bawac. Show yourself that you have some self discipline, and you will feel 100% better.
I'm out of excuses. The problem is me. But I'm trying to course-correct a ship that has gone so far off course it's going to take time to get back on course.
But to be fair, I'm in the process of giving up cannabis (that takes self-discipline) and the mental withdrawal is causing me severe depression and anger. That's the step I'm on now. I'll get through it. After that I'm going to start working towards finding a new job. I've been underemployed doing call center jobs since 2009 and I'm tired of it.
I just need to focus on taking this one step at a time as well as giving myself credit for how far I've come.
Last edited by bawac34618; 12-20-2019 at 10:48 AM..
I'm out of excuses. The problem is me. But I'm trying to course-correct a ship that has gone so far off course it's going to take time to get back on course.
But to be fair, I'm in the process of giving up cannabis (that takes self-discipline) and the mental withdrawal is causing me severe depression and anger. That's the step I'm on now. I'll get through it. After that I'm going to start working towards finding a new job. I've been underemployed doing call center jobs since 2009 and I'm tired of it.
I just need to focus on taking this one step at a time as well as giving myself credit for how far I've come.
It did help me a lot in the beginning and I'm not going to apologize for it, but in our society today it still is heavily stigmatized and due to that, it's holding me back now more than it's helping so I'm giving it up. People wouldn't see me as a moral deadbeat for taking an anti-depressant (Paxil is far worse than pot from my own experience when it comes to numbing your senses as is the withdrawal when you try to quit) but for some reason, cannabis is different. I just wish people could separate the plant and what it does from the cultural stigma associated with it.
I only started using cannabis regularly in 2017. If anything it was then that I started making meaningful changes to get myself out of that funk. It wasn't continual either as I stopped for six months in 2018 until I met my ex who got me back into it.
Last edited by bawac34618; 12-20-2019 at 11:18 AM..
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