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I cannot forgive my mother for the favoritism towards my 2 younger and better half brothers. It's the cause of my envy of others, of doubting myself and of many of my insecurities. I can't seem to have any kind of relationship with her and my half brothers like to pretend that I don't exist. She is in total denial and won't give me any answers, except to say 'but what have I done wrong? '.
How would you try to resolve something like this when it has systematically destroyed you? I feel that cutting all ties would be the best solution
I cannot forgive my mother for the favoritism towards my 2 younger and better half brothers. It's the cause of my envy of others, of doubting myself and of many of my insecurities. I can't seem to have any kind of relationship with her and my half brothers like to pretend that I don't exist. She is in total denial and won't give me any answers, except to say 'but what have I done wrong? '.
How would you try to resolve something like this when it has systematically destroyed you? I feel that cutting all ties would be the best solution
If you truly cannot forgive her and she has no idea what she's done, what are you trying to resolve? Aren't you prolonging the torture instead of moving yourself past and out of all this? Maybe what you keep trying to do (instead of walking away) is prove that you are right and she is wrong. You're looking to win something. If the other person doesn't understand the contest, they aren't going to understand your prize.
Last edited by Parnassia; 05-17-2019 at 02:13 PM..
You deserve validation for your perception and examples of such incidences. You also probably have built up resentment that has only cast a cold heart towards the perceived offender.
My bio dad absolutely admitted his distain towards his daughters. That was on him. Not my being. Sure my bros knew this and used it to their advantage.
Your parent is filled with life mishap decisions that most likely affected others. Just as you have done the same thru out your life. I'm sorry you experienced this biasness. I'm also sorry for your parent who I'm sure did not intentionally wish to come off that way.
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The OP is playing the blame game which is another topic of discussion altogether and hints at narcissism, and I've seen this with my wife's daughter. If, as she's said, she's been "systematically destroyed" due to perceived favoritism she's got problems that go well beyond her mother's behavior. I also see she's decided the only way to manipulate her mother is to "cut all ties" which sounds like what a narcissist would consider proper. I'm sure all her problems will vanish the moment she truly breaks her mother's heart which is what this is leading to. I also suspect this will not be the first time she has deeply hurt the only person in her life that will always lover her unconditionally.
OP, I suggest you work on yourself and stop blaming others for your issues.
I have also often felt my parents showed favoritism to my younger siblings. For a long time, I felt resentful and wanted nothing to do with them. Then I decided those negative feelings weren’t doing anything for me and moved on. What my parents do that involves my siblings isn’t my business and have better things to do with my life than “keeping score”
My brother is a math genius and he impressed waiters and waitresses with his ability to calculate tip and add up totals at restaurants, while I just sat there. We were in elementary school and I still remember it to this day. My brother also has a lot of natural confidence, while I naturally don't, so imagine how I crappy I feel about myself even to this day.
What would help is if you had a best friend/lover/spouse to talk about this, or someone you're really close with who praises you, listens to what you say and makes you feel like what you're saying is important, and someone who spins things positively when you look at it negatively. Or when you doubt yourself about something, that person should tell you why you're RIGHT. That's the kind of person you need in your life. Good luck.
Thanks for your responses. I do plan to go 'no contact' as it's the only way. My mum and I can't even be in the same room without it turning into a major argument. It isn't just the favouritism and I'm not 'keeping score'. There are a host of other issues / past trauma that I'd rather not go into much on a public forum, but there's an awful lot she turned a blind eye to, especially when it came to her second husband (the father of my half siblings).
I'll admit that I was a difficult child and an awful teenager, but as you know from looking at my other posts, I have problems that I have always struggled with. I have never been accused of narcissism before (to Robert) but she has. She does not admit she's done anything wrong when it comes to how I was raised and I didn't get the help or support I needed as a child because she didn't want to admit that anything was wrong with me.
I won't apologise for using the term 'systematically destroyed' because that's what happened to me as a child and teenager, whether it was my parents, step-parents, bullies or others. I have no self-esteem or belief in myself as a result. Yet according to her, I'm just supposed to pretend none of it ever happened, which is something I cannot do.
As for a partner, I agree that having love in my life would help, but that's never going to happen and even if it did come along, I'd probably sabotage it. Just being honest.
The OP is playing the blame game which is another topic of discussion altogether and hints at narcissism, and I've seen this with my wife's daughter. If, as she's said, she's been "systematically destroyed" due to perceived favoritism she's got problems that go well beyond her mother's behavior. I also see she's decided the only way to manipulate her mother is to "cut all ties" which sounds like what a narcissist would consider proper. I'm sure all her problems will vanish the moment she truly breaks her mother's heart which is what this is leading to. I also suspect this will not be the first time she has deeply hurt the only person in her life that will always lover her unconditionally.
OP, I suggest you work on yourself and stop blaming others for your issues.
Have you ever asked your wife's daughter why she feels that way or are you just assuming no wrongdoing took place with her upbringing, which I am assuming you weren't around at the time? Perhaps sje has a legitimate reason to feel as she does and if you weren't even around at the time, perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to judge
Have you ever asked your wife's daughter why she feels that way or are you just assuming no wrongdoing took place with her upbringing, which I am assuming you weren't around at the time? Perhaps sje has a legitimate reason to feel as she does and if you weren't even around at the time, perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to judge
Yet here we sit as you judge a posters perspective. I agree with Robert on this one point.
The tactic to go "no contact" is indeed a maneuver by a person who plays victim as a way to get the last dig in. It's rarely a civil or thought out way...it's more a knee jerk reaction to agitate the perceived offender.
Exceptions are merited when it's a person who was a hostage or endured abuse in ways that are legally chargeable.
You can go on blaming your mother and your past for everything in your life you are unhappy about, or you can put it in the past and get on with your life. You do not have to keep in contact with any of your family members, that's your choice. Your entire future and how it plays out is your choice. See a psychologist if you can't stop dwelling on the unfairness of the past. Now and the future is your own responsibility. If things don't go right from here on out it's your own fault.
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