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Nobody is disagreeing that it is perversion. I think there is a perception that I am making up excuses, which I don't believe so.
no your not, you looking for reasons, not excuses, there is a difference.....
I say this again, had my mother's parents not been so abusive, perhaps, things would have been a whole lot different. I mean, my mother told me and I don't know if this is true, b/c she lied so much, but I wouldn't be surprised, if it is, b/c he beat up his daughters, but he also beat up his wife...until she died of cancer?
have to agree here hunterseat.. I think its all a form of perversion too.. to abuse children for any reasons.. I saw a relative go through a hellish life with a drunk father and a mother who wouldnt leave with her daughter when she had the chance... she stayed with him till he died and her daughter died shortly after her father still quite a young woman... Both ruined her health and her life.. and why she had heart problems as well as mental and alcohol problems . all caused by her horrible upbriinging and both parents being so uncaring .... Some dont ever deserve to have a child or children.. and more should be done to protect the young...
you bought up another point or I should say, made me think about something else......why do we stay? Why do people stay with abusive spouses.
no your not, you looking for reasons, not excuses, there is a difference.....
I say this again, had my mother's parents not been so abusive, perhaps, things would have been a whole lot different. I mean, my mother told me and I don't know if this is true, b/c she lied so much, but I wouldn't be surprised, if it is, b/c he beat up his daughters, but he also beat up his wife...until she died of cancer?
Great. Thank you for letting me know, especially because you are the OP. I don't want to be unhelpful.
It is difficult to know for sure especially if your mom is known to lie, but if it is true, it will definitely impact her life and how she interacts with others, such as yourself. Your relationships with others may be impacted unless you are a quick learner or had good modeling from somebody else.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
you bought up another point or I should say, made me think about something else......why do we stay? Why do people stay with abusive spouses.
I believe one reason they stay is because they don't realize what they are experiencing is abuse.
I would like to make one thing perfectly clear. Someone came into the thread and suggested that I was assuming that my mother's life was all negative these were not assumptions these were repeated stories that my mother told me over and over and over again from the timer was very little. She actually told me things that a little child should never hear. And these are the same story she told everyone else over and over and over again I don't think my mother had a shred of happiness because she found no good in any 1 else. She was a very negative unhappy angry woman and blame me for her situation
My mom's dad was an abusive tyrant who hated kids and had 13 of them. During the depression.
It was a horrible childhood but her bad behavior was a choice. There's a point where we have to take responsibility of our behavior. Narcissism/BPD Probablycomes into play.
My mom's dad was an abusive tyrant who hated kids and had 13 of them. During the depression.
It was a horrible childhood but her bad behavior was a choice. There's a point where we have to take responsibility of our behavior. Narcissism/BPD Probablycomes into play.
Hi Hunterseat,
I appreciate your feedback, and I'm sorry you mother's dad was so cruel......
and I agree, there is a point when we have to own our mistakes, but unfortunately people will not do that, they blame everyone else for their problems. I cannot tell you how many times I tried to get my mother to go to counseling and she refused, she didn't have any problems, it was everyone else....you cannot deal with a dysfunctional mind....a mind that is mentally disturbed....there is no rhyme or reason...
IF they be able to assume responsibility, there might be a lot less children abused....
Hi Hunterseat,
I appreciate your feedback, and I'm sorry you mother's dad was so cruel......
and I agree, there is a point when we have to own our mistakes, but unfortunately people will not do that, they blame everyone else for their problems. I cannot tell you how many times I tried to get my mother to go to counseling and she refused, she didn't have any problems, it was everyone else....you cannot deal with a dysfunctional mind....a mind that is mentally disturbed....there is no rhyme or reason...
IF they be able to assume responsibility, there might be a lot less children abused....
Do you think you will ever be able to get past the hurt she caused you?
At my home (though it took me years), we have developed a system to let family members know where they stand in a relationship and being an instigator is part of the range.
Basically I believe I have, however, it's been a difficult road at times....what bothers me, is every once in a while, (and I have MS, so that's also an additive) I have what you might call a melt down....like a few days ago...I'm moving and retiring, one right after the other and it's so stressful...not happy about having to quit work, not real happy about moving, although it may prove to be a very wise and fun choice? I've been saying Good bye to life long friends, and workers I've known, loved and cried with for 25 years....so it's extremely stressful and emotional.
Anyway, something triggered this meltdown, and it was all my fault...I can't get over it....so I have decided once moved, I'm going to go to counseling again....to find out why it happened.....I know there is baggage from my upbringing....
You see, my mother raised her 3 other sisters, they were all younger, and their mother died very young so all her sister were like her. There is one cousin who I was close to all of my life....and I overlooked her faults as we all have faults, but I couldn't deal with the lies and her calling me and asking me for money all the time, so I cut her off, and when I did, I was shocked at how she reacted, just like my mother would. I mean, manipulative, lied to others about me, it's like dealing with my mother all over again...she even called my sister twice, and I didn't ask my sister what was said, my sister said, "believe me, she won't be calling me again". Now this is my foster sister.
But you just fear making a mistake, worrying about what others think of you sometimes....
for instance, after she passed away, we were all sitting around the table at the coronor's office and while looking at me, he said, very sternly, "this is what she wanted..." she was telling people I wouldn't honor her wishes? Why would I do that....I just cannot believe the lengths she would go to, to make me look like an awful person. That is what gets to me, at times, doesn't seem to go away....
and it hurts....so yes, I intend to talk with someone.
See, not many knew her and what she was really like to live with, and those that did are gone....so...
my mother was narcissistic, everything was about her...it was awful....she started talking from the time you went to visit her until the time you left, and you just wanted to scream....then if no one was with me, she'd start telling me what a louse I was, a low life, no good, and she'd continue until she'd push my buttons into screaming at her....hence, I'd loose my temper and I hate, hate, hate that person I become....
seriously....
I don't want to become her, and I fear for my mind, as I grow older....which is another reason I'd like to keep working, take a part time job, to keep the mind active...?
but yes, you better believe I plan on talking to someone, I don't want to have another melt down like that....it doesn't happen often, but when it does, I'm not a nice person. I wouldn't hit anyone, but I do yell....and I don't like that person at all.
I've also found out that severe childhood abuse and/or childhood sexual abuse can be instrumental in causing MS....
Last edited by cremebrulee; 07-01-2019 at 11:34 AM..
I know that she had a very traumatic childhood and most likely the reason for her dysfunction, however what bothers me is, why when she got older did she think that everyone was out to get her?
I mean my son lived in another state and she actually thought he was coming and stealing things out of her house, she hated me ever since I was born, she honestly abused me physically and mentally. She blamed me for her life, and threatened to give me up....and secretly used to wish she would.
Fortunately I had help ever since I was a small child but I still worry sometimes that I'm like her even to this day even though I cut her out of my life many years ago,
My question is, why when she hated me so much did she think that everyone was out to get her? I mean this woman didn't have a kind thing to say about anyone.
She physically hit her husband's and me constantly; she would start arguments and be so hateful and scream and holler and just smack you across the face and wouldn't stop.
I know that she was mentally ill but it just is so sad to me that she was forced to live the life that she lived so hateful of everyone. Talked about everyone....she was to me, just plain evil. She would literally make up lies....whole stories, about people that were not true...vindictive and she got even believe me. She would harp and harp on things that happened years ago, as if they just happened yesterday.
And yet, a few years before her death, she became very suspicious of everyone. Why? Was it b/c she thought ill of everyone?
Sounds like my mom but she was like that until she died. Being nice to people caused my mom pain and when she got home she went off on my mostly verbally but sometimes it got physical. I know my mom had some deep mental issues but that doesn’t excuse how she treated me. IMO, I’m glad she’s gone the verbal and physical abuse is no longer part of my life.
Crembrulee, how is the move going? I know that can be super traumatic, but with facebook and skype, it really is possible to maintain your relationships. I have been able to hold onto almost all of my extensive social network after moving 8 years ago. Of course, visits home are freakin' exhausting social whirls that leave me completely drained afterwards, but I have not missed out on much. What are you doing to establish a support system in your new location? Is there an MS or chronic illness support group?
My mother is about to complete her move to Florida. She was pestering me via text nonstop trying to get me to take the bait. I told her I did not want my college yearbook as I don't have a lot of friends from college, and she accused me of not appreciating the college education she and my father "worked so hard to give" me. LOL. She also wanted my father's address - he's 88 with dementia in a nursing home. She wanted to send him a "cheerful note" since he must be so depressed (he's not and can't remember he was married to her, just that they didn't get along). I COULD have taken the bait and pointed out that her last "cheerful note" could have finished me off, given that it was lambasting me at a time when I was close to suicidal. But I didn't. I've just let go of her. No point in fighting, no point in asking her to be someone she's not. I'm not worth the effort of therapy (my requirement for us having a mother-daughter relationship), so she's done with me. Except she's not. I either ignore the texts or respond neutrally but truthfully to them.
I suspect she's like herpes. She's mostly going to stay away, but every once in a while, there will be a flare-up.
But I have been wondering about her, like you wonder about your mother. Why is she the way she is? I suspect BPD, but not sure what would have caused it. It could be a couple other things too. But she refuses to take responsibility for any of her choices and is always the victim. If you contradict or challenge her, she will explode at you with volcanic rage. Gaslighting and belittling are her favorite weapons otherwise. It's an unanswerable puzzle, really, and I find as I fill more into my life that I care less about the answer. I'm just glad I see her flaws and have worked to correct similar defects in my own personality. So many people in my past I want to go back to and say "I'm sorry - I'm not really like that now that I know better." Probably my only regret.
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