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I am not sure if this is the correct place to post this, so please remove if not. Moderator note 06/18/2019: Thread moved from Psychology to Non-romantic Relationships.
My daughter is pregnant. I offered to throw her a baby shower at my house and provide everything, i.e. food, decorations, games, invitations, etc. She gave me a guest list of 12-15 people. So I started out getting the decorations and party games. Then last Sunday she calls me and says "My husband and I talked about this and we decided we want to have the shower at a venue with catered food. That way you wont have to do any of the work. Oh, and we decided to double the invitations to include men as well." She sent me a new guest list of 35 people. The venues she looked at were average of $25/head. Way over my budget.
Then on Tuesday morning at 6:30 I open up Facebook and the first thing I see is an invitation to her baby shower at a friend of hers house mentioning having a diaper raffle and outside games like cornhole. I was totally shocked! So apparently when she mentioned this other venue and catering she had already had things set up with this friend. She never asked me if this would be OK or anything. She just took it upon herself to cast me aside as the hostess for this event I wanted to do for her and handed over the baton to her friend.
I sent her a text as it was 6:30 in the morning and I did not want to call her so early and told her how I felt that was very rude and inconsiderate and she didnt even ask me how I felt about what she wanted. She got all mad and said I hurt her feelings by not calling her. I needed to vent before I went to work that day about how seeing this FB post hurt my feelings. I dont think that was a crime.
How would you feel in this situation? Am I justified for being hurt by her just taking over the shower that I offered to give her? And I have no doubt that even after she did this that she expected me to pay for at least half of everything even though she booted me out as the host. I still have not spoken to her yet other than the texts above. Thanks for any advice!
This has nothing to do with your feelings towards her, or her feelings towards you.
This has to do with your feelings towards money. She thought your idea was good, and maybe she knows your financial situation and took it upon herself to do a baby shower how she imagined it. she has every right. Then she took the time to reassure you by saying that you didn't have to do anything and such.
When you heard that the baby shower was gonna be really expensive, you felt ashamed because you really wanted to do this as a gift for her, but now you cannot afford it.
This is all irrelevant. Your daughter loves you and she wants you to be open with her but also understand her. not suddenly tell her at 6.30 in the morning that you are hurt.
If you feel bad about the money(which is totally understandable by even a monkey that people feel awkward when they cannot afford something), you can just explain to her that you felt ashamed because you love her and wanted to organize this baby shower for her and be a part of it, but you cannot afford it and you can pitch in only some of the money.
Don't feel ashamed. If your daughter doesn't understand this simple thing after you tell her, she is going to be unreasonable. You cannot expect someone to make you a gift that you want.
People should be appreciative of any gifts they receive. It's the thought that counts.
I disagree with you and think you missed the point. While doubling the budget is a concern, it is not what I am upset about. I feel she did me wrong by setting up another venue and catering. She was perfectly fine with what I had arranged for her, and I had planned to do it very nicely without cutting corners...because it was for HER.
When she said that the reason she and her husband wanted to find a venue and caterer that was a cop out. To make it seem like she was doing this ON MY BEHALF, when she really just wanted to amp up her party. She even said "the more people, the more gifts!"
I just feel if she was not happy with the event I was planning for her she should have come to me and talked to me about it, not let me open up FB and see the invitation which I had no idea she and her friend had planned.
I am not ashamed that I do not have $875 for the food to be catered. That is only a small issue and one which I could easily discuss with her. This is about principle....a person offers to throw someone a party to include everything, the person who the event is for decides they want it more lavish and changes the host and event without letting the original party thrower know. That to me is just plain WRONG!
I disagree with you and think you missed the point. While doubling the budget is a concern, it is not what I am upset about. I feel she did me wrong by setting up another venue and catering. She was perfectly fine with what I had arranged for her, and I had planned to do it very nicely without cutting corners...because it was for HER.
When she said that the reason she and her husband wanted to find a venue and caterer that was a cop out. To make it seem like she was doing this ON MY BEHALF, when she really just wanted to amp up her party. She even said "the more people, the more gifts!"
I just feel if she was not happy with the event I was planning for her she should have come to me and talked to me about it, not let me open up FB and see the invitation which I had no idea she and her friend had planned.
I am not ashamed that I do not have $875 for the food to be catered. That is only a small issue and one which I could easily discuss with her. This is about principle....a person offers to throw someone a party to include everything, the person who the event is for decides they want it more lavish and changes the host and event without letting the original party thrower know. That to me is just plain WRONG!
It sounds like she might’ve committed to you too soon before she discussed the party with her husband and everyone else involved. It sounds like the more she talk to people the more they said oh you should have a big party and the more she felt like she wanted to have that big shower. It is for her after all it is supposed to be her day. Her husband probably wanted more of his side of the family invited then were previous. I do agree that it wasn’t handled correctly, and she should apologize to you for that, but I hope you won’t let your hurt feelings ruin her day.
Thats my whole point, thank you, that she did not handle this correctly. Her husband's side of the family (only a couple relatives live near us) were invited for my party, his family is great. But the new people on her guest list include a couple single men that work in her office and others that they arent even close to, they just know the people and decided to include them for more gifts. I dont begrudge her wanting a wonderful big party, but this is her third child, so its not like its the first to warrant such an extravaganza. But thats OK, the party was and will be FOR HER.
Thats my whole point, thank you, that she did not handle this correctly. Her husband's side of the family (only a couple relatives live near us) were invited for my party, his family is great. But the new people on her guest list include a couple single men that work in her office and others that they arent even close to, they just know the people and decided to include them for more gifts. I dont begrudge her wanting a wonderful big party, but this is her third child, so its not like its the first to warrant such an extravaganza. But thats OK, the party was and will be FOR HER.
You have indicated that it is $875 for this party. There is no guarantee they will get that back in gifts, so why assume that it is a gift grab if they are paying for it themselves? It might have also been that she talked to her husband and they wanted a different style of shower and wanted it to be coed. That is a lot more common these days. I have worked in places where men have showers as well as women, and they no longer have the the more awful games.
If I offered to host a party in my home and the recipient came back with "I'd rather have it catered at a venue with double the guests" I'd call the whole thing off..daughter or no daughter.
And that doesn't even take into account the other baby shower. Is she having 2 showers here ?
You have indicated that it is $875 for this party. There is no guarantee they will get that back in gifts, so why assume that it is a gift grab if they are paying for it themselves? It might have also been that she talked to her husband and they wanted a different style of shower and wanted it to be coed. That is a lot more common these days. I have worked in places where men have showers as well as women, and they no longer have the the more awful games.
I dont understand what you mean by there is no guarantee they will get that back in gifts, so why assume that it is a gift grab if they are paying for it themselves? Gift grab? Who is paying for it themselves? My daughter wants her new host and me to foot the bill.
If I offered to host a party in my home and the recipient came back with "I'd rather have it catered at a venue with double the guests" I'd call the whole thing off..daughter or no daughter.
And that doesn't even take into account the other baby shower. Is she having 2 showers here ?
No, she decided she does not want my shower and her friend is now the new host and in charge. I am only allowed to contribute financially now.
Pffft, my answer would be to tell her that if she doesn't want the party I offered I'd be happy to call it off and show up as a guest at the shower her friend is hosting. I'd make it clear that I had no intention of being a (silent) co-host in a party I didn't get to help plan.
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