The Comfort of the Familiar vs. the Lure of Change (woman, husband)

[jbgusa]

The starting point for this thread was another fantastic thread, What was your turning point? I cannot recommend that thread highly enough and I didn't want to ruin it.

This morning I was at Torah Study, in the library that used to be the sanctuary in which I was Bar Mitzavedh on May 2, 1970. The woman I was chatting with asked me where I grew up. I pointed southward and said, "about 3/4 of a mile thataway." I mentioned to her that my father was not very religious, in fact disagreed with organized religion. However, I related that for Yom Kippur 1972 we walked to synagogue for services for the first, last and only time. I think he knew deep down that he was dying. He died of recurrent rectal cancer a few months later, January 5, 1973. Aside from my first seven years and other short intervals involving mostly my schooling, I have lived within a six-mile radius.

I also related that aside from college and law school, and except for a six-year interval living in NYC, I have lived in the same general area, about 24 miles (now 27 miles) from Times Square. The curves on the road are all familiar, as are the signs, many of the neighborhood stores and, as mentioned, my place of worship. This happened more or less by accident, not design. My employer for most of the last 33 years (with a short break) relocated the office from NYC to Westchester on July 1, 1991. I had married two months earlier, and my wife selected Westchester as the place for us to move. Not out of any love from her mother-in-law (the two often did not get along) but because one half of her family lived in Albany, NY and Manchester, VT, the other half in New York City/Westhampton Beach, Long Island. We moved from NYC to Westchester in August 1992. So events conspired to keep me well-grounded.

My emotions vary between welcoming the familiarity, and feeling closed-in by the lack of change. Even many of my close friends, while living elsewhere, are the same people.

Have others had that experience? Or are others homesick? Or mixed? That is this thread's poll.

[OpinionExperience]

I embrace change, I feel stuck every three years. Need to mix it up some how, not a big move but do something new.

[OzzyRules]

I think some people have a different personality that seeks change. But maybe most would prefer familiarity.

[meekawal]

I've lived in Upstate NY all my life. When I was in my 50's my husband passed away. I had a son living in CA and a daughter living in NY. I sold my house and moved to CA. At first I loved CA, but then began to get homesick for my NY family and friends so decided to move back to NY. I didn't last long in NY because I missed CA so I packed up and went back to CA. I did this once more and spent a year in New Mexico. I am now permanently living in CA. I am no longer homesick for NY.

Everytime I went back to NY everything there was the same. (same buildings, stores, etc.) When I went back to CA everything there was always different.(stores, buildings, etc. & even my friends in CA changed) I still have friends in NY that I keep in contact with that I've known since grade school but, whenever I returned to CA I had to make new friends because the old ones always moved on.

I like the constant change that goes on in CA. There is always new things to see and do here. It is definitely different than upstate NY. I guess I'm a wanderer at heart.

[Parnassia]

I don't think it's always one or the other. Not black or white. You can go through phases in your life when you are inspired and excited by change and phases when you revel in the well known. I know I have. And, I also think people can do both...just about different aspects of their lives. Someone might not want to leave a familiar location, but be fine changing careers. Be fiercely loyal to the same brand of coffee but eager to change continents.

[elyn02]

I chose "struck out for new horizons but feel homesick." That homesickness, though, disappears after 3 days visiting with my family. All kidding aside, leaving home had to happen. I had to prove to myself I could make it without my family because they told me I couldn't. Chances are I would return with my tail between my legs like so many others. The bad experiences of others was confirmation to my family that sticking home was best.

Why do I feel homesickness? I feel it because now that I know how to deal with the attitude I left behind, I can actually manage more than 3 days with my family. We could actually function. Well, it does help to have more money than they do, but that rarely comes up in a conversation. They just automatically have more respect as a result of me being able to make it "out there".

[jbgusa]

Originally Posted by elyn02

I chose "struck out for new horizons but feel homesick." That homesickness, though, disappears after 3 days visiting with my family. All kidding aside, leaving home had to happen. I had to prove to myself I could make it without my family because they told me I couldn't. Chances are I would return with my tail between my legs like so many others. The bad experiences of others was confirmation to my family that sticking home was best.

My family didn't mind whether I wound in Jackson, MS or in New York. The constant returns to "home base" as I discussed in the OP were the result of happenstance. Now that kind of "happenstance" is probably relatively common given the depth of connections one makes early in life. I never went anywhere with my "tail between my legs", however.

Originally Posted by elyn02

Why do I feel homesickness? I feel it because now that I know how to deal with the attitude I left behind, I can actually manage more than 3 days with my family. We could actually function. Well, it does help to have more money than they do, but that rarely comes up in a conversation. They just automatically have more respect as a result of me being able to make it "out there".

Homesickness is natural, particularly if the place (as opposed to the people) where one grew up is relatively comfortable.

Perhaps my feelings on the subject are brought home by the familiarity of such mundane things as the bank of curves on the highway, the signage, and the music on the iPhone (being the same as the music on FM that I used to listen to. And off-road the fact that the places where I worship and do athletics are similar or the same as my childhood.

[Sonic_Spork]

I've lived in five states, and each time for at least a few years. I chose "new horizons are best" because I believe that I have grown as a person, in new directions, with every new place that I live in a while and get to know. The people are different, not just the scenery. They have things to teach me. I want to show up and learn.

But during all of this moving around, I felt somewhat cut adrift and homesick for the area I grew up in, which was Virginia. I missed the fall colors, the cicadas and even the humidity. I missed my family and trips to the beach (I still miss the beach, can't even lie about that.)

But eventually I landed in Colorado. At first it felt like just another place. I don't care for the dry climate that much. The mountains are not as gorgeous as those of my last home, Washington State (mostly because one views them from halfway up in elevation, not from sea level like you do with Mt. Rainier.) But I got involved with a community, and one thing I truly love, are the people here. They are friendlier than the East Coast, more genuine than the West Coast, down to earth like the Midwest but far more creative and colorful and fun. Everything that I could appreciate in other human beings, I am getting right here. And now it feels like home, and I don't miss Virginia anymore. Not one bit. Well...except for the beach.

[jbgusa]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

But eventually I landed in Colorado. At first it felt like just another place. I don't care for the dry climate that much. The mountains are not as gorgeous as those of my last home, Washington State (mostly because one views them from halfway up in elevation, not from sea level like you do with Mt. Rainier.) But I got involved with a community, and one thing I truly love, are the people here. They are friendlier than the East Coast, more genuine than the West Coast, down to earth like the Midwest but far more creative and colorful and fun. Everything that I could appreciate in other human beings, I am getting right here. And now it feels like home, and I don't miss Virginia anymore. Not one bit. Well...except for the beach.

My son went to U.C. Boulder for a summer program between his junior and senior years of high school. One reason I was reluctant to let him apply there is I knew I would lose him to Colorado; what's not to like. I lost my childhood friend's whole large family to Colorado, specifically the Denver area. My wife's stepmother lost her brother's large family to the Boulder area as well.

[Deoge]

I have lived in Houston, Boulder, Houston, San Jose, Atlanta, and recently back to Boulder due to my job. My brother is a city employee and has lived in Houston for all of his life. We are both happy and satisfied with our career choices. I could be miserable because I had to move so much or my brother could be miserable because he can not move at all.

Personally, I would not move just for the sake of moving but I would also not dismiss an opportunity just because it required a move. Whatever you do, ensure that your spouse is in 100% agreement.