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Sorry to be a bore myself, but I think one of the things that has kept me from leaving (which is easy) and staying gone (which is hard) is the fact that we have two houses but because he won't leave me alone, I can't live in either house.
It's insane. I can't quite wrap my head around it. If he knows where I'm living, he'll show up there and reiterate he will never, ever giving up on trying to "save our marriage." Save his comforts, he means.
I can rotate among local hotels -- that's how I achieved Hilton Honors Diamond status -- but that's expensive and not a long term solution.
If I rent a house, which I can do, I'll have to return to the Scottsdale place and take some of the furniture. He never leaves the house. Ugh.
I guess I'll find somewhere to spend the next couple of days. I need to be in the Bay Area on 9/19 for doctor appointments, and he knows that, so he'll probably show up there.
How did I think you were really leaving him this last time? It feels stupid.
I didn't realize that "leaving him" is something you do occasionally, that you just meant temporarily and that it's basically yet another unhealthy coping mechanism you've engaged.
So I guess I have to retract my congratulations, since they were based on erroneous (yet unchecked) assumptions.
I really don't get why you haven't reached that point where you're just done. Once you get there, leaving won't be difficult at all.
Sorry to be a bore myself, but I think one of the things that has kept me from leaving (which is easy) and staying gone (which is hard) is the fact that we have two houses but because he won't leave me alone, I can't live in either house.
It's insane. I can't quite wrap my head around it. If he knows where I'm living, he'll show up there and reiterate he will never, ever giving up on trying to "save our marriage." Save his comforts, he means.
I can rotate among local hotels -- that's how I achieved Hilton Honors Diamond status -- but that's expensive and not a long term solution.
If I rent a house, which I can do, I'll have to return to the Scottsdale place and take some of the furniture. He never leaves the house. Ugh.
I guess I'll find somewhere to spend the next couple of days. I need to be in the Bay Area on 9/19 for doctor appointments, and he knows that, so he'll probably show up there.
Does him chasing after you give you some minor sort of fulfillment? Is that why you cannot permanently leave him? Does it prove or reinforce the love you cannot feel otherwise?
How did I think you were really leaving him this last time? It feels stupid.
I didn't realize that "leaving him" is something you do occasionally, that you just meant temporarily and that it's basically yet another unhealthy coping mechanism you've engaged.
So I guess I have to retract my congratulations, since they were based on erroneous (yet unchecked) assumptions.
I really don't get why you haven't reached that point where you're just done. Once you get there, leaving won't be difficult at all.
You think I’m not bewildered by the vacillating, too? I guess I didn’t make it clear.
It IS difficult. I feel hunted. He’s not violent but stalking is still stalking. I don’t have a place to go where I can keep him out. He needs me — excessively, to a disturbing degree.
If you didn’t know, I have a past history of domestic violence. My ex (now deceased) liked to slap me around. When he wasn’t doing that, he was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a hunting knife held to his throat, saying he’d kill himself if I didn’t promise I’d never leave him.
My instinct was to run but I figured the odds were better than even he’d use the knife on me if I tried to flee, so I stayed. Until I figured out how to leave with little more than my cat and the clothes on my back while he was at work. Then he tracked me down, accosted me on a city street and told me he was going to kill me. Years later, a pissed-off boyfriend did the same thing, only he had a gun.
Men don’t like it when I break up with them.
Look, if you want to put me on Ignore, feel free. No one is forced to read what I write.
Thinking that the logistics are hard to figure out, overthinking details like that, is a procrastinating and avoiding maneuver, and you know why you do those kinds of things? As a woman who had a bad marriage to a guy who...well, I could speculate he had maybe Asperger's and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, probably depression...I honestly am not qualified. All I know is the dude ain't right. But I left...eventually.
Looking back, boy-o do I wish I'd done it sooner, and I kick myself for that. I knew it was bad, I knew I was going to have to find a way out, but I wavered back and forth, overthought the logistics, talked myself out of it, and vaguely that "well maybe...maybe it can be ok" because sometimes he really was not terrible to be around. But...sometimes he was.
What had to happen for me, was the same thing that has to happen, I hear, for alcoholics and addicts.
Rock bottom.
When he was using his loaded guns to frighten and manipulate me and our sons. When my son called me, sobbing, from a hiding spot in the garage where he was crouched in his underwear holding a hatchet, scared his father was going to find him and kill him. When the ex brought sketchy people to live in our home, who created new and terrible threats to our safety and well being. When the money was gone, and I had to actually sell my stuff to manage an escape.
Rock. Bottom.
Are you going to have to hit rock bottom?
My life is a million times better since I left him and took charge of it. I wish I had done it sooner. I grieve for the years I lost. And here's another thing. I ended up with a much older partner, but I am so in love with him...I can't even express it, and here's the part that truly and deeply sucks...we only have a limited number of years before age and medical issues start biting chunks out of our happiness and the things we can do together. All the adventures I wish I could do with the love of my life, and if I'd only met him sooner...I'd have had more money, more time... I resent every moment I lost.
Here is a hint, for the logistics, something that helped me a lot. Get a storage unit, and start squirreling away your stuff into it. Now bear in mind how divorce works...the stuff that you can claim free and clear, such as things you owned before marriage and things you inherited from your relatives, stuff like that. Research it in your state. It is illegal for you to hide assets on the divorce paperwork, you will have to list everything you have. And if he means to fight, you will need a lawyer. Can you afford that? Can he? A storage unit was great for me, because I was actually afraid he might destroy things that had great meaning and sentimental value to me, in order to hurt me. It felt like I was rescuing a hostage, and gave me more courage to rescue myself and my sons.
There is a certain point of discomfort that it seems people have to hit, before they are willing to really change their circumstances. Just understand that until you reach it, until you hit that rock bottom, things will very likely get worse and not better.
Also in addition to suggestions that you try therapy and maybe antidepressants, I suggest that you keep a journal (paper or electronic, but somewhere your husband can't find it) and I believe you said you have a support network? Friends? Family? Stay in good contact with them. Spend in person time with them. Don't tell your husband where you are going, if that's what it takes to get some time for yourself.
Does him chasing after you give you some minor sort of fulfillment? Is that why you cannot permanently leave him? Does it prove or reinforce the love you cannot feel otherwise?
Oh, good grief, no.
I don’t have any place to go where he won’t find me. Why is that so hard for people to understand?
Sorry to be a bore myself, but I think one of the things that has kept me from leaving (which is easy) and staying gone (which is hard) is the fact that we have two houses but because he won't leave me alone, I can't live in either house.
It's insane. I can't quite wrap my head around it. If he knows where I'm living, he'll show up there and reiterate he will never, ever giving up on trying to "save our marriage." Save his comforts, he means.
I can rotate among local hotels -- that's how I achieved Hilton Honors Diamond status -- but that's expensive and not a long term solution.
If I rent a house, which I can do, I'll have to return to the Scottsdale place and take some of the furniture. He never leaves the house. Ugh.
I guess I'll find somewhere to spend the next couple of days. I need to be in the Bay Area on 9/19 for doctor appointments, and he knows that, so he'll probably show up there.
While you are in the Bay Area could a friend. or movers, take the pieces of furniture that you need (while Hubby is likely in the Bay Area)?
Or, could you just say "To H&LL with my furniture. I am just going to rent a place and slowly get more furniture" or rent a furnished apartment. I remember once in college when I moved into an unfurnished apartment and lived with just a mattress & box spring on the floor, a card table and folding chairs & a handful of dishes & pots & pans for months. My clothes were just folded and stored in boxes on the bedroom floor.
Or, could you move in with an old friend or relative that Hubby doesn't know about (so he can't find you)? I know that if an old, college friend or shirt tail relative or former co-worker contacted me for an emergency place to stay I would be very willing to offer them my spare bedroom.
Or, move into a women's shelter (in another city)?
Or move into a "residential hotel"? I know someone who would stay in a residential hotel for weeks at a time, they would get a special rate by the week, or by the month, which was much more affordable that staying at a regular hotel, plus they would have cooking facilities, pots & pans & dishes, a TV, linens and everything that they needed.
I don’t have any place to go where he won’t find me. Why is that so hard for people to understand?
Unless he is an FBI agent or a police officer or something similar, no I don't understand that you can't find a place where he can't find you. And, if you are so worried about him finding you, can you go to the police and get a restraining order?
With 48 continental states, I would think that there was a big city, or a tiny town off the beaten track where you could go where he couldn't find you. Add in Hawaii and Alaska and foreign countries and there is a wide world to disappear into. Is he really going to try that hard? Will he hire private investigators to look for you for years or give up after he checks with your close friends and siblings and first cousins and looks in the Bay Area & Arizonia?
Look, if you want to put me on Ignore, feel free. No one is forced to read what I write.
Not so much as you choose men who don't like it when you break up with them. Once, is a mistake, over 3 times is a choice.
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-- but that's expensive and not a long term solution.
