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Old 11-04-2019, 03:52 PM
 
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"...while whenever we make a mistake, we're hoping that people will be lenient with us."
yes, for mistakes.
not for purposeful and probably preplanned destructive behavior that some call "mistakes".
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Old 11-04-2019, 03:56 PM
 
Location: Central IL
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it's call the Fundamental Attribution Error, in a nutshell:

In social psychology, fundamental attribution error, also known as correspondence bias or attribution effect, is the tendency for people to under-emphasize situational explanations for an individual's observed behavior while over-emphasizing dispositional and personality-based explanations for their behavior.

The typical result is that we are able to make excuses for our own failures but for others we attribute lack of success to their own bad habits, personality, or morals. This is when we're talking about "failures" in general.

On the other hand, when we're successful, we attribute that to our own intellect or skills or willpower but when others do well we say they're "lucky" or otherwise tend to attribute it to less stable factors beyond their control. So, we take full credit for our own success but tend to discount others'.

Of course, this is just very general and doesn't take into account personal relationships, family ties, etc. which may break from these.
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Old 11-04-2019, 03:58 PM
 
572 posts, read 204,482 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
it's call the Fundamental Attribution Error, in a nutshell:

In social psychology, fundamental attribution error, also known as correspondence bias or attribution effect, is the tendency for people to under-emphasize situational explanations for an individual's observed behavior while over-emphasizing dispositional and personality-based explanations for their behavior.

The typical result is that we are able to make excuses for our own failures but for others we attribute lack of success to their own bad habits, personality, or morals. This is when we're talking about "failures" in general.

On the other hand, when we're successful, we attribute that to our own intellect or skills or willpower but when others do well we say they're "lucky" or otherwise tend to attribute it to less stable factors beyond their control. So, we take full credit for our own success but tend to discount others'.

Of course, this is just very general and doesn't take into account personal relationships, family ties, etc. which may break from these.
Thank you for this!
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Old 11-04-2019, 04:05 PM
 
3,767 posts, read 1,656,159 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iSudo View Post
Notwithstanding actual narcissists, I see a common trend in society where people tend to give themselves far more leniency and tolerance than they would anyone else. I think many of us also tend to view ourselves as more flawless than we actually are. However, when we find flaws or erroneous behaviors by our cohorts, we tend to be far more judgmental and less tolerant towards them. I think this drives a lot of unwarranted negative judgment towards others, while whenever we make a mistake, we're hoping that people will be lenient with us.

How can we introduce more leniency and tolerance towards our cohorts, and recognize that to err is human? Is it by developing more empathy? Is it be recognizing our own flaws better, which will give way for more tolerance towards others when they don't live up to perfection?

I agree with birdiebell

Quote:
I firmly believe that the least judgmental people are those who have been through some ****, because they really KNOW that "there but for the grace of God go I."

I think it is all part of one's own journey to become compassionate. I don't know but I think compassion is a learned behavior and not innate.
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Old 11-04-2019, 04:24 PM
 
11,794 posts, read 4,694,542 times
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I've found that I was way more judgmental when I was younger...even toward myself. I was SUPPOSED to be a certain way, and I judged everyone to that inner yardstick I had for myself.


If I failed to measure up to my yardstick, I was deeply ashamed. Mortified even. And thus, if I COULD deflect, I would. If I could hide it, I would.


Then I got pregnant and gave up a baby for adoption. One day, I was feeling sorry for myself, and God gave me an ephiphany. I messed up. I messed up, and my parents forgave me and loved me anyway. Even though they lost a grandson. I messed up, and my baby might grow up wondering why he wasn't good enough to be loved by me...even though I DID love him so much... Aunts and uncles he'd never know, siblings he would never know, a bio father he'd never know. These were FAR REACHING things that I had done.


But I was forgiven.


Y'all know the parable about a king who has a servant that owes him money? More money than he can EVER repay. The king has pity on the servant, and forgives all the debt.


And then the servant turns around and demands payment from someone who owed HIM money. The person can't pay the silver coins owed to the servant, so the servant manhandles the poor guy, and then has him thrown into debtors prison.


The king hears about it, and calls back the servant and tells him he's wicked, and throws him in debtors prison as well.


What's the moral? When you understand that you've been forgiven of something terrible, you should be grateful. And, it should not be easy to turn around and be harsh and unforgiving to another. To not do so...is wicked.


Like Ebenezer Scrooge, your heart should feel light and happy when you realize you are given a new start.
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Old 11-04-2019, 05:31 PM
 
6,419 posts, read 2,008,556 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iSudo View Post
Notwithstanding actual narcissists, I see a common trend in society where people tend to give themselves far more leniency and tolerance than they would anyone else. I think many of us also tend to view ourselves as more flawless than we actually are. However, when we find flaws or erroneous behaviors by our cohorts, we tend to be far more judgmental and less tolerant towards them. I think this drives a lot of unwarranted negative judgment towards others, while whenever we make a mistake, we're hoping that people will be lenient with us.

How can we introduce more leniency and tolerance towards our cohorts, and recognize that to err is human? Is it by developing more empathy? Is it be recognizing our own flaws better, which will give way for more tolerance towards others when they don't live up to perfection?
Well here you have two things:

1. Projecting one's own preferences and ideals upon someone over whom you bear no responsibility, no control.

2. Once you've asserted yourself as the absolute authority on moral standards and acceptable behavior proceeding to act as both judge and jury, selectively enforcing what benefits and elevates you in comparison to others.

This behavior by itself may not outright classify someone as a narcissist, but it's a running start.

Not to make any assumptions with #1, even a parent-child relationship can be tarnished by overstepping reasonable boundaries.
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Old 11-04-2019, 06:14 PM
 
Location: SoCal
3,877 posts, read 3,051,243 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iSudo View Post
Notwithstanding actual narcissists, I see a common trend in society where people tend to give themselves far more leniency and tolerance than they would anyone else. I think many of us also tend to view ourselves as more flawless than we actually are. However, when we find flaws or erroneous behaviors by our cohorts, we tend to be far more judgmental and less tolerant towards them. I think this drives a lot of unwarranted negative judgment towards others, while whenever we make a mistake, we're hoping that people will be lenient with us.

How can we introduce more leniency and tolerance towards our cohorts, and recognize that to err is human? Is it by developing more empathy? Is it be recognizing our own flaws better, which will give way for more tolerance towards others when they don't live up to perfection?
We need to place absolute importance in the reality winch is where true confidence actually lies. You give others compassion when considering their circumstances not to be nice, but to accurately understand their situation, when we fail to do this we, and only we are the ones that become delusional to other peoples reality hindering our own perception of the world. Our naturals perception of the world is one that is dark due to not fully understanding it only knowledge gives us a little bit of clarity in a dark dark world.
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Old 11-05-2019, 03:46 AM
 
9,556 posts, read 4,666,840 times
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My counselor often said I was far more severe on myself. Unforgiving and unyielding in my self talk.

To this day I can "forgive us our trespassers" far easier then I can my own transgressions.

Leniency on myself? Nope.

Why should I be? If I am to be a role model then there are certain errors I need to stand up to and make adjustments to.

I suppose if a person is shameless ( lacks humility) and is Pridefill ( ego driven). Then they will rationalize the behavior with a sense of "oh its just me".

I still have 30 year old errors I made that I cannot forgive myself for. Despite modifying behavior and learning from it...its still in my book of unforgiveable acts.
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Old 11-05-2019, 04:30 AM
 
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That's definitely true of vehicle collisions. 90% of the time, collisions are never the fault of the person telling the story, who was "innocently waiting at a red light" or whatever

I always take their story with a grain of salt.
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Old 11-05-2019, 10:32 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
28,284 posts, read 18,708,819 times
Reputation: 44455
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
it's call the Fundamental Attribution Error, in a nutshell:

In social psychology, fundamental attribution error, also known as correspondence bias or attribution effect, is the tendency for people to under-emphasize situational explanations for an individual's observed behavior while over-emphasizing dispositional and personality-based explanations for their behavior.

The typical result is that we are able to make excuses for our own failures but for others we attribute lack of success to their own bad habits, personality, or morals. This is when we're talking about "failures" in general.

On the other hand, when we're successful, we attribute that to our own intellect or skills or willpower but when others do well we say they're "lucky" or otherwise tend to attribute it to less stable factors beyond their control. So, we take full credit for our own success but tend to discount others'.

Of course, this is just very general and doesn't take into account personal relationships, family ties, etc. which may break from these.
This certainly jibes with my life experience. Thanks for putting it in psychological terms.
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