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Old 11-05-2019, 10:37 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
28,276 posts, read 18,691,977 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
My counselor often said I was far more severe on myself. Unforgiving and unyielding in my self talk.

To this day I can "forgive us our trespassers" far easier then I can my own transgressions.

Leniency on myself? Nope.

Why should I be? If I am to be a role model then there are certain errors I need to stand up to and make adjustments to.

I suppose if a person is shameless ( lacks humility) and is Pridefill ( ego driven). Then they will rationalize the behavior with a sense of "oh its just me".

I still have 30 year old errors I made that I cannot forgive myself for. Despite modifying behavior and learning from it...its still in my book of unforgiveable acts.
It is hard to be compassionate with oneself sometimes. I have gone through this myself, beating myself up for being less than perfect or for being stupid about social stuff. I like the Jewish proverb : to understand is to forgive.
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Old 11-05-2019, 12:31 PM
 
9,522 posts, read 4,651,921 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
It is hard to be compassionate with oneself sometimes. I have gone through this myself, beating myself up for being less than perfect or for being stupid about social stuff. I like the Jewish proverb : to understand is to forgive.
It's a french saying .

Had to look it up. Appreciate your reference to it.
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Old 11-05-2019, 02:59 PM
 
Location: DFW
1,073 posts, read 409,085 times
Reputation: 1915
It is only the very fortunate/lucky/blessed who get an opportunity to overcome this karma.

I have been one of the very lucky ones who has gotten to put up a mirror when circumstances turn the other way, and it is a profound opportunity to change, reflect, grow.

Small example: In my 20's, I would be extremely judgmental of rambunctious kids. When they would come into my workplace, I would think "Oh my God control your kids" (eye roll).

Well, guess what kind of kid I ended up having? Yep, the most ADHD kid ever with also anger outbursts, and a very loud voice, even as an infant. She was kicked out of multiple establishments, and then I remembered.....
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Old 11-08-2019, 02:52 PM
 
3,949 posts, read 2,237,877 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nonchalance View Post
I'm the opposite: tougher on myself than anyone else.
Most definitely. Just the littlest thing will upset me..things that people won't generally scold themselves for I do. On one job interview I started analyzing later about how I picked up my coat when leaving the office. I am wondering if I did that wrong.
I wouldn't recommend that either. When strict people point mistakes that I already scold myself for I may know and tell them they are wrong to hold that against me I still end up getting upset about it because I know it has affected how my life ended up.
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Old 11-11-2019, 02:12 PM
 
3,258 posts, read 1,175,619 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iSudo View Post
Notwithstanding actual narcissists, I see a common trend in society where people tend to give themselves far more leniency and tolerance than they would anyone else. I think many of us also tend to view ourselves as more flawless than we actually are. However, when we find flaws or erroneous behaviors by our cohorts, we tend to be far more judgmental and less tolerant towards them. I think this drives a lot of unwarranted negative judgment towards others, while whenever we make a mistake, we're hoping that people will be lenient with us.

How can we introduce more leniency and tolerance towards our cohorts, and recognize that to err is human? Is it by developing more empathy? Is it be recognizing our own flaws better, which will give way for more tolerance towards others when they don't live up to perfection?
I think there is a cognitive distortion involved, the self-serving bias.

People have a tendency to assign internal motives for others, and external blame for themselves, when anything negative happens.

So they will judge another for something, assuming that persons own shortcomings were the cause of whatever trouble has befallen them, that the blame is on them ("You wrecked your car because you are a poor driver"), but they will not blame themselves for the same, instead, placing the blame on outside factors which are outside of their own control ("I wrecked my car because my boss overworked me and I couldnt help but fall asleep at the wheel, not my fault").

Inversely, when something positive happens, people tend to assign internal motives for themselves ("I worked hard, I deserve this promotion"), and external reasons for others ("He had a stroke of luck to get that promotion").

Everybody does this, below their level of conscious awareness. Maybe with awareness and practice it can be reduced to a more even and true to reality level.

Last edited by moongirl00; 11-11-2019 at 02:26 PM..
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