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I've been working with my therapist on some of my negative core beliefs and the one that's been affecting me the most is that I don't believe I'm worthy of love or good things. We were trying to figure out why I feel that way so that I could find evidence to the contrary and I realized I have no idea why I have that belief.
One possibility could be my upbringing. My culture is sexist and believes women are less important than men so I've been treated that way when I was growing up. I had to do chores while my brothers could play. I had to stay at home and babysit my little brother while my older brother could hang out with his friends. I did a lot of stuff for my family but it was expected of me so nobody acknowledged anything I did for them. My mom even said my great grandmother didn't like me the moment I was born because I wasn't born a male. I don't think anybody should have told a little kid that but oh wells.
Another possibility for this belief could be that I was raised in a Christian church and they imposed a lot of guilt onto us. They called us sinners and said that we would go to hell if we don't ask for forgiveness. So I've always apologized for everything just in case I was sinning and I felt a lot of guilt all the time for no reason. I just thought this was being a good Christian. Even though I'm no longer religious, this happened to me at an early age so it's been a bad habit of mine.
I also try to stay humble so any time something good happens to me, I tell myself to not get too hung up about it and that it's not going to last.
So I have a hard time trying to figure out contrary evidence to my negative core belief because these aren't good reasons as to why I have that belief but with them combined, I can see why I might think that way. One contrary evidence I could think of is I haven't done anything objectively wrong, like murder someone. But other than that, I really can't think of other contrary beliefs so I'm not sure how to get this belief out of my system. Can anybody relate and have any suggestions?
your first possibility as well as your second are right on...those are why you feel as you do about your self worth.
Odd actually, because YOU would be worth more than the ones who were allowed to play while you did the chores.
It sometimes seems that the ones who do the most for others are the least likely to receive praise or even to be acknowledged for the good that they do.
But, I'd rather be one of those people anyways....it's a shame when parents or grandparents show such discrimination towards their own children based simply on gender....love yourself..others will too..allow this to happen. You sound like a good person...that in itself is something to be proud of.
Very few children experience unconditional love. Most are loved and accepted when they are pleasing to the parents, but when they do something "wrong", even though the action comes from a natural innocent impulse, the reaction of the parents when they are "bad" teaches them that their parent's love is conditional.
This is carried out further via having to share with other kids, behaving as teachers want, etc...most children learn that people like them more when they modify or sacrifice what they naturally want in order to be more pleasing to the other people. Kids who resist this model are often considered selfish or bratty, and kids who rebel against it are considered bullies.
Any love that's conditional sends the message to the child that their worthiness is not inherent, but is dependent upon what others decide.
I'm not going to explore if this is a positive or negative way to raise kids, because it's largely just is the way it is, and of course it's on a spectrum. But children become adults, and as an adult, you still hold your natural innocent impulses to do what brings you joy. It's your very nature, your essence. In some adults, probably many (maybe you), these impulses are largely suppressed in order to "fit in" to society.
If you aren't living a life that brings you joy to the best of your ability, but have built a life that is more about being pleasing to others than pleasing yourself, then you'll feel unworthy (because you are, you're unworthy of the life you really want, otherwise you'd have it) and when you try to please yourself more, you'll feel guilty and fearful (because then you won't get love and acceptance, you learned that as a kid).
A life pleasing yourself doesn't necessarily mean that you'll suddenly become a selfish mean person. Although you might, but then you won't care, because it's your genuine nature, ha! But it could also be that the other extreme, personal sacrifice, a life of service to others, is absolutely pleasing to you! However, if that's the case, you would not feel unworthy, or guilty, as you dedicated your life to pleasing others. You would feel fulfilled, and fulfillment feels damn good.
My advice to you would be to just sit with the feelings of unworthiness and guilt. They are lower emotions than anger and frustration, and as you sit with them, for however long it takes, maybe many times, you'll start to rise vibrationally and begin to feel anger and blame. This is really good, although it scares the hell out of some people, because anger and blame seem so powerful compared to guilt and unworthiness. But you'll have to go through anger to get to the higher emotions, so it truly is a good thing. (Just be sure to not act from those feelings, they are just for to you experience and process internally!)
I've been working with my therapist on some of my negative core beliefs and the one that's been affecting me the most is that I don't believe I'm worthy of love or good things. We were trying to figure out why I feel that way so that I could find evidence to the contrary and I realized I have no idea why I have that belief.
I am no professional - I will just tell you my opinion about how the world works.
Everything that has been and everything that is going on right now in your life affects your psyche in a particular manner.
Your genes affect your understanding of the world together with your surroundings.
So all these possibilities that you are describing are reasons that TOGETHER contribute to you having low sense of self worth.
But the most important thing to understand is that you have free will. Once you really understand how much you can decide for yourself then it will all be easier.
Your past matters because you learn stuff, but what really matters is what you do NOW.
What if you find the reason that you have low sense of self-worth? What if you discover all the bad things that happened to you that made you feel bad? will it change? or will you just blame those reasons and continue having low self-esteem?
Though it is useful to understand your past, I think it's better to understand who you are.
A human that has gone through a lot of difficulties and tries to live a good life.
Believe me that's what everyone is trying to do. Many just forget who they are.
I am no professional - I will just tell you my opinion about how the world works.
Everything that has been and everything that is going on right now in your life affects your psyche in a particular manner.
Your genes affect your understanding of the world together with your surroundings.
So all these possibilities that you are describing are reasons that TOGETHER contribute to you having low sense of self worth.
But the most important thing to understand is that you have free will. Once you really understand how much you can decide for yourself then it will all be easier.
Your past matters because you learn stuff, but what really matters is what you do NOW.
What if you find the reason that you have low sense of self-worth? What if you discover all the bad things that happened to you that made you feel bad? will it change? or will you just blame those reasons and continue having low self-esteem?
Though it is useful to understand your past, I think it's better to understand who you are.
A human that has gone through a lot of difficulties and tries to live a good life.
Believe me that's what everyone is trying to do. Many just forget who they are.
I agree with this. I used to suffer from a sever anxiety that I would be cheated on. I pretty much expected it, because growing up my dad was a serial cheater and cheated on every wife he had. One weekend we would hang out with one girlfriend other weekends with another. It even got to a point where my dad asked us one day "Who do you prefer I marry?".
It really messed me up as an adult. Both my sister and I. However, I started to disconnect myself from that past, and not let it define me rather grow from it. I realized that I am not my father and I don't ever want to be. I also overcame my fear of cheating in that I realized I have no control over someone is going to cheat on me or not. If they do, I will deal with it when the time comes. I went to a lot of therapy for this and finally one day I confronted my father and told him to his face how his actions affected me. Not to make him feel bad, but moreso so he could realize what his actions did to his children and also because I was growing to resent him so much. It was the most freeing thing I ever did. Once I freed myself from that fear, I realized that there was nothing to be scared of.
Since then, the fear of being cheated hasn't bothered me. It's kind of like getting a terminal illness. When it happens I will deal with it, but in the meantime no need in fearing something that is not even there.
Since then, the fear of being cheated hasn't bothered me. It's kind of like getting a terminal illness. When it happens I will deal with it, but in the meantime no need in fearing something that is not even there.
I'm really happy for you. Hearing people overcome their difficulties always gives me courage and hope - thank you for sharing
we can picture what we want in tomorrows and work towards it...….we can live life in goals and achievements....and growing confidence.....steering our own ship...….AND NOT wallowing in the currents of others....
live life thru your own eyes and not the reflection of others...
if you have deep given guilt.....recognize guilt is fears brother...you let it go or it will attach everywhere..
yes let it go.....
ill give you the best free advice ….. I wish someone told me …..when younger..
when we get up in the morning and think ...feel the heaviness...think to ourselves...oh another shytty day...
recognize most of us are clumpers...we clump together ...all our stresses and hurt/pain…./into one big ball of heavy crap...and we push it around like a dung beetle.....
we need to lighten the load...chip away at that heavy ball.....and hit them head on.....break that clump down and it will free you up...
and then you can feel better...…
I've been working with my therapist on some of my negative core beliefs and the one that's been affecting me the most is that I don't believe I'm worthy of love or good things. We were trying to figure out why I feel that way so that I could find evidence to the contrary and I realized I have no idea why I have that belief.
One possibility could be my upbringing. My culture is sexist and believes women are less important than men so I've been treated that way when I was growing up. I had to do chores while my brothers could play. I had to stay at home and babysit my little brother while my older brother could hang out with his friends. I did a lot of stuff for my family but it was expected of me so nobody acknowledged anything I did for them. My mom even said my great grandmother didn't like me the moment I was born because I wasn't born a male. I don't think anybody should have told a little kid that but oh wells.
Another possibility for this belief could be that I was raised in a Christian church and they imposed a lot of guilt onto us. They called us sinners and said that we would go to hell if we don't ask for forgiveness. So I've always apologized for everything just in case I was sinning and I felt a lot of guilt all the time for no reason. I just thought this was being a good Christian. Even though I'm no longer religious, this happened to me at an early age so it's been a bad habit of mine.
I also try to stay humble so any time something good happens to me, I tell myself to not get too hung up about it and that it's not going to last.
So I have a hard time trying to figure out contrary evidence to my negative core belief because these aren't good reasons as to why I have that belief but with them combined, I can see why I might think that way. One contrary evidence I could think of is I haven't done anything objectively wrong, like murder someone. But other than that, I really can't think of other contrary beliefs so I'm not sure how to get this belief out of my system. Can anybody relate and have any suggestions?
I've explored this in therapy also.
I came to the conclusion, that when I was told to always put others first, even when I would find something to enjoy and was told to put that aside, then I never got to learn how to balance "me" and invest in "me" and thus enjoy "me".
I was taught Catholic guilt, too, from day one, so it was all about (at least in my upbringing) wanting for nothing, or else I was a selfish person. And of course complete selflessness is how Jesus walked, therefore I had to aspire to that also.
I was taught to always take the high road, and do the right thing-- that meant for others, never for me.
The combination of messages created a mindset of a person who was slow to learn setting boundaries (it took a huge slight by who I learned was *actually selfish family when I had my first child to 'get' it), to an extent codependent in bad relationships, too forgiving at times, and very insecure at "who" I am- what makes me truly happy and what I want in life.
What made me sort of get over this mindset was to simply be what I was always taught was 'selfish'. I started saying "No" to other people- it started with small things first, and that made me more confident to assess what I really want to spend my energy on. Doing that, I realized my time is valuable, as am I as a person. From there, it snowballed into not *always being more confident (I still find myself wanting to people please and not make waves anywhere- I hate confrontation), but knowing I do have some worth whereas I grew up thinking about everyone else's worth but never my own.
Therapy isn't easy. I hope you find your own answers and some peace.
Very few children experience unconditional love. Most are loved and accepted when they are pleasing to the parents, but when they do something "wrong", even though the action comes from a natural innocent impulse, the reaction of the parents when they are "bad" teaches them that their parent's love is conditional.
This is carried out further via having to share with other kids, behaving as teachers want, etc...most children learn that people like them more when they modify or sacrifice what they naturally want in order to be more pleasing to the other people. Kids who resist this model are often considered selfish or bratty, and kids who rebel against it are considered bullies.
Any love that's conditional sends the message to the child that their worthiness is not inherent, but is dependent upon what others decide.
I'm not going to explore if this is a positive or negative way to raise kids, because it's largely just is the way it is, and of course it's on a spectrum. But children become adults, and as an adult, you still hold your natural innocent impulses to do what brings you joy. It's your very nature, your essence. In some adults, probably many (maybe you), these impulses are largely suppressed in order to "fit in" to society.
If you aren't living a life that brings you joy to the best of your ability, but have built a life that is more about being pleasing to others than pleasing yourself, then you'll feel unworthy (because you are, you're unworthy of the life you really want, otherwise you'd have it) and when you try to please yourself more, you'll feel guilty and fearful (because then you won't get love and acceptance, you learned that as a kid).
A life pleasing yourself doesn't necessarily mean that you'll suddenly become a selfish mean person. Although you might, but then you won't care, because it's your genuine nature, ha! But it could also be that the other extreme, personal sacrifice, a life of service to others, is absolutely pleasing to you! However, if that's the case, you would not feel unworthy, or guilty, as you dedicated your life to pleasing others. You would feel fulfilled, and fulfillment feels damn good.
My advice to you would be to just sit with the feelings of unworthiness and guilt. They are lower emotions than anger and frustration, and as you sit with them, for however long it takes, maybe many times, you'll start to rise vibrationally and begin to feel anger and blame. This is really good, although it scares the hell out of some people, because anger and blame seem so powerful compared to guilt and unworthiness. But you'll have to go through anger to get to the higher emotions, so it truly is a good thing. (Just be sure to not act from those feelings, they are just for to you experience and process internally!)
Impulses... Great point!
This way of thinking actually seems simple to change if behavior is looked at as a recipe we have been told to follow.
What society sees as successful impulses are reinforced "recipes" we continue to cook up in life... then those become habit, then that's "who" we are (at least to an extent)-- even if they burn (us out).
We need to re-write the recipes so that they work for what we want to cook up, so-to-speak. I think this is a great way to view things. Some recipes require change in order to work- but many of us are stuck in the old reinforced recipes, and don't have the experience to rehash those because they are years'-long habits by the time we need to adjust them.
I'm making sense to myself; hopefully to someone else too, Lol.
Also- sitting with uncomfortable feelings... good advice, I think. My therapist once told me when I feared driving under a certain bridge with my kids in the car (not a small fear with postpartum), "Go IN to your anxiety. Talk to yourself and say, "Yep, I might hit the bridge", repeatedly." The concept being that I will at some point exhaust the idea "I might hit the bridge". Eventually the thought about hitting the bridge will subside since it will be an old conversation with myself that has no value because it is a broken record that has been proven time and again to be false... and things that aren't truthful, we don't usually invest anymore in. Sounded crazy at first, but it's a tool I've used for other things with my anxiety and it works sometimes to sit with these things, as you say. Took me probably six months of driving under it a few times each week- where I started off saying it probably 50 times, over time it dropped to a lesser amount, then it was, "I'm not going to hit the bridge", then it wasn't even a consideration in my mind.
Very few children experience unconditional love. Most are loved and accepted when they are pleasing to the parents, but when they do something "wrong", even though the action comes from a natural innocent impulse, the reaction of the parents when they are "bad" teaches them that their parent's love is conditional.
This is carried out further via having to share with other kids, behaving as teachers want, etc...most children learn that people like them more when they modify or sacrifice what they naturally want in order to be more pleasing to the other people. Kids who resist this model are often considered selfish or bratty, and kids who rebel against it are considered bullies.
Any love that's conditional sends the message to the child that their worthiness is not inherent, but is dependent upon what others decide.
I'm not going to explore if this is a positive or negative way to raise kids, because it's largely just is the way it is, and of course it's on a spectrum. But children become adults, and as an adult, you still hold your natural innocent impulses to do what brings you joy. It's your very nature, your essence. In some adults, probably many (maybe you), these impulses are largely suppressed in order to "fit in" to society.
If you aren't living a life that brings you joy to the best of your ability, but have built a life that is more about being pleasing to others than pleasing yourself, then you'll feel unworthy (because you are, you're unworthy of the life you really want, otherwise you'd have it) and when you try to please yourself more, you'll feel guilty and fearful (because then you won't get love and acceptance, you learned that as a kid).
A life pleasing yourself doesn't necessarily mean that you'll suddenly become a selfish mean person. Although you might, but then you won't care, because it's your genuine nature, ha! But it could also be that the other extreme, personal sacrifice, a life of service to others, is absolutely pleasing to you! However, if that's the case, you would not feel unworthy, or guilty, as you dedicated your life to pleasing others. You would feel fulfilled, and fulfillment feels damn good.
My advice to you would be to just sit with the feelings of unworthiness and guilt. They are lower emotions than anger and frustration, and as you sit with them, for however long it takes, maybe many times, you'll start to rise vibrationally and begin to feel anger and blame. This is really good, although it scares the hell out of some people, because anger and blame seem so powerful compared to guilt and unworthiness. But you'll have to go through anger to get to the higher emotions, so it truly is a good thing. (Just be sure to not act from those feelings, they are just for to you experience and process internally!)
This is very well said. I grew up with 100% conditional love and a narcissist mother. I always felt "not good enough". Upbringing definitely put me at a huge disadvantage to my peers as I always believed I was missing something and they had it. What that "something" was was very elusive. Therapy has helped with that, but certainly hasn't cured me of that belief. What has helped is age and wisdom. Its been a slow change in how I view myself. Now I'm more confident and feel deserving (not entitled) of good things. I've worked very hard on my own personal growth to overcome these challenges. Divorce and career challenges really set me back several years, but I've turned the corner as I realize most people are full of sh*t and are faking it anyway. I know I have the education and experience, as well as EQ that most people don't have. That makes me feel much more worthy of good things and happiness.
I also know that being single at this age isn't all my fault. Its circumstances and I'm taking a calculated risk to find someone overseas who appreciates me for who I am. It will happen and I will be fulfilled in my life in 2020. I finally have the belief that all my hard work is paying off and I will be happier than ever in the not too distant future, but damn, its been a long, difficult journey.
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