Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm going with the two sides to every story opinion. Maybe your sister is a horrible person and your mother's worst crime was nagging. But maybe not. Especially if there is a great age difference. I have a relative who is furious with a much older sibling because the elder does not do that much to help out their parents, and when the elder does contribute, it is with little enthusiasm. But really they both had VERY different sets of parents - one was born to teenagers and was sometimes neglected and abused, while they younger was born to mature adults who were indulgent and involved parents. I've seen similar dynamics with siblings of different sexes. OP, you don't KNOW the whole story of your sibling and mother's relationship. You should sit down and talk to her about it and listen without judgment before you make a final decision. That said, now that your mom is elderly, she MAY need protection, especially if her mental faculties are failing.
As far as blame... I don't think it's as simple as "well you're an adult, your responsible for your choices." I own my choices, but ... look, I had a very emotionally abusive mother. But she was a mental health professional with a degree in counseling. From a young age, I trusted her to know what was right. But also from a young age, I knew SOMETHING was off. I assumed it was simply that I was an ungrateful daughter and the fault lay with me. Later, as a young adult in my 20s, in the wake of the loss of my best friend and her mother and my parents' divorce, I saw a therapist who also saw my mother. Sometimes we had joint sessions. It was a TOTAL conflict of interest and utterly unethical, but the therapist bought my mother's schtick hook line and sinker, and she would repeatedly tell me that my mother's behavior was either correct or understandable when I questioned it. So my adulthood continued with my feelings utterly undermined and my mother's actions confirmed as perfectly acceptable.
Add to this that I had a very privileged life, which I was constantly reminded of and acutely aware of - private school, an Ivy League college, the whole nine yards. Yet I was always uneasy and depressed around my mother, and I always chalked it up to the idea that I was a bit of a spoiled brat. Truth was that she probably meets a lot of the criteria of a psychopath and there is at least one untreated personality disorder in play. It took me til 40 and a flirtation with suicide for me to seek out a new therapist. She took a wrecking ball to all my previous therapy sessions, and it was like I was seeing reality for the first time, and it was exactly what I had always suspected it was.
So now I look over 40 years of social awkwardness, depression, anxiety, an undiagnosed and untreated learning disability that my mother refused to acknowledge, abusive behaviors like gaslighting and bullying, reckless disregard for my mental health and red flags that I was told were totally normal by multiple parties. And I think that it is no wonder I sought love with men who were bad choices, that I bungled so many responsibilities that were managed by any normal adult, that I would dissociate from stressful situations for years before I even realized I was doing it, why I never sought therapeutic treatment of my own until I literally had no other choice (well death, death was always a choice), and why even now - although I am loved by (and love fiercely) a large circle of friends and family - I cannot let anyone close enough for a functional romantic relationship and really don't have any interest in doing so.
I was a good kid. I studied like crazy and graduated at the top of my class in high school. I went to a top notch college. I always went all out buying her gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I was affectionate and obedient and RARELY put a foot wrong. And my mother just determinedly fostered fear and anxiety in me and while she told me and other people how great I was all the time, she also made me feel worthless on a daily basis. She made me question my own perceptions of reality like it was her hobby.
I own my choices. I've had a really good life in a lot of ways, and right now I know incredible happiness that I never expected and didn't think I deserved. And while my mother is now exiled from my life, I still think in a just world there's a lot she would have to answer for. And if I had been born to functional parents (dad was no picnic either), what would my life have been like? I wonder about that other version of me.
Do I blame my mother? She's got an undiagnosed issue that I know makes her life much harder than the average person's in many ways. But she also has the education and knowledge to address that issue. Ultimately I view her as I would a rabid dog - what's the point of getting mad if it bites you? Blame doesn't really enter into it, and I've given up on expecting any kind of explanation or apology. She CAUSED a lot of bad things in my life, and I was one of the lucky ones who could put the unfairness aside once I saw and processed it. Not everyone can.
Your insight much appreciated! Unfortunately my sister hung up on me on phone and not willing to talk. Would like to maintain dialogue and keep channels open! I do admit was really angry when sister snubbed my disabled brother who I help take care of back in May...didn't even call him. I texted her...".so can't you take one minute out of one day a year to call and say Happy Birthday?" Of course she texted back "no, can't do that" which I just don't understand. Then called me a month later on my BD...I told her "Thanks for calling, really no need to call me on my BD though if you don't call my brother."..she said "don't put a guilt trip on me" and hung up?! Just don't understand it and am Fed up. Watched Joel O Steen on TV recently though...trying to keep the faith and hope for the best! Will consider reaching out to her more if things get worse.
Thing is the title of the post is not about blaming bad parents but blaming good ones. It’s a whole different issue than an adult who had to deal with serious abuse be it emotional, physical, or sexual.
Thing is the title of the post is not about blaming bad parents but blaming good ones. It’s a whole different issue than an adult who had to deal with serious abuse be it emotional, physical, or sexual.
Nothing remotely physical or sexual whatsoever. Some emotional though...heard some big arguments with swearing /name calling between mom and sister back then. I was into athletics, good grades, and the straight and narrow in big part due to this!
Mom really cared for my sister...maybe too much! What should a Mom do with a rebellious, wild 15 year old daughter heavily drinking, doing some drugs, with the wrong crowd, and not listening to a word mom says? Sister was kind of like girl in first Rocky movie hanging out at liquor store with the older boys on corner...got the "bad reputation"...Tough on kids!
Nothing remotely physical or sexual whatsoever. Some emotional though...heard some big arguments with swearing /name calling between mom and sister back then. I was into athletics, good grades, and the straight and narrow in big part due to this!
Mom really cared for my sister...maybe too much! What should a Mom do with a rebellious, wild 15 year old daughter heavily drinking, doing some drugs, with the wrong crowd, and not listening to a word mom says? Sister was kind of like girl in first Rocky movie hanging out at liquor store with the older boys on corner...got the "bad reputation"...Tough on kids!
That doesn’t sound like emotional abuse , more like frustration and not handling it well perhaps but not abuse per se.
Thing is the title of the post is not about blaming bad parents but blaming good ones. It’s a whole different issue than an adult who had to deal with serious abuse be it emotional, physical, or sexual.
I think my point was that the OP doesn't necessarily know what his sister's relationship was with his mother. And in my long and rambling post, I neglected to make the point that except for some perceptive folks, everyone bought my mother's schtick and thought we were normal.
Kids can be full siblings and still have different parents. As strangers, we can't really know what their different experiences were with the same mother. But there's also the possibility that the sister has some untreated mental health issues.
Your insight much appreciated! Unfortunately my sister hung up on me on phone and not willing to talk. Would like to maintain dialogue and keep channels open! I do admit was really angry when sister snubbed my disabled brother who I help take care of back in May...didn't even call him. I texted her...".so can't you take one minute out of one day a year to call and say Happy Birthday?" Of course she texted back "no, can't do that" which I just don't understand. Then called me a month later on my BD...I told her "Thanks for calling, really no need to call me on my BD though if you don't call my brother."..she said "don't put a guilt trip on me" and hung up?! Just don't understand it and am Fed up. Watched Joel O Steen on TV recently though...trying to keep the faith and hope for the best! Will consider reaching out to her more if things get worse.
Dude, if she's sensitive about nagging, you kinda went the wrong route there.
Dude, if she's sensitive about nagging, you kinda went the wrong route there.
Possibly...tired of walking on eggshells though...lots of nagging moms (and others) out there that care and really try to do the right thing whether their kids believe them or not.
Among the many trends over past decades and generations is the avoidance of personal responsibility and owning up to one's own actions. We see that all around us, from the situation discussed in the OP, all the way up to government. People are routinely passing the buck and the blame and the ultimate nasty cleanup.
Agreed. Most things in the popular media and mainstream culture encourage people not to own up to their own failings. Since doing so is unpleasant, it's easier than ever these days to find someone who will agree with you that nothing's your fault.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoreau424
I'm a bit of a amateur historian, and read extensively of the US in the 19th century. There's no doubt how incredibly different people were back then. And that's especially true of personal responsibility. People heavily took care of their own "housecleaning", and even if they didn't, society forced them to note and account for their actions. It was a high priority. Now, people don't give a sht.
Our society has entered its decadent phase. Even liberal academics like Camille Paglia (also a student of history) have said so. When such attitudes become prevalent, it always gets ugly before it gets better. She talks about it here using transgenderism as as symptom of cultural collapse, but surely it's one of many:
I think my point was that the OP doesn't necessarily know what his sister's relationship was with his mother. And in my long and rambling post, I neglected to make the point that except for some perceptive folks, everyone bought my mother's schtick and thought we were normal.
Kids can be full siblings and still have different parents. As strangers, we can't really know what their different experiences were with the same mother. But there's also the possibility that the sister has some untreated mental health issues.
I get that , my sister was the golden child and had a completely different relationship to our mother.
Why do I blame my sister?
Don't blame her (just disappointed) since she made some bad choices to which there are consequences...would like to see her make amends and try to get along with mom (who misses her...calls her a lot without returned calls) before she passes away. She did stop drinking cold turkey around 10 years ago (still a lot of pot) which is one of the best decisions ever! Hope she can be less selfish with a little compassion, as well as less angry, and happy someday.
The question that pops up in my mind is: Why did two siblings raised in the same household with the same parents, subject to (presumably) the same (or equivalent) adolescent hormones, go through adolescence completely differently, making radically different choices?
This says to me, that there may be more to the story. Are there any other siblings, OP? Which one is the older of you two? Did mom have a favorite, that you're aware of?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 12-03-2019 at 05:44 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
