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My sister had a loving father (now passed away) and mother that nagged her (and argued) a lot since she got with the wrong crowd in early teens (heavy drinking, some drugs, multiple boyfriends, constant parties, falling grades,etc). This stuff happened 40 years ago and she is still calling my now elderly mom...ranting and blaming her for stuff SHE did back then and not taking responsibility for her OWN actions. I told her that she needs to blame herself for her own actions and not to call mom anymore (rarely calls anyway) unless she is nice and not playing the "blame game". Hung up on me...Had to defend mom though...hope she will change someday but doubt it.
Just wondering...why do some blame others for the way they turned out in life and not themselves and make necessary constructive changes?
Last edited by PJSaturn; 12-20-2019 at 08:33 AM..
Reason: Merged 2 threads on same topic.
I think there is a misconception in terminology.
To blame is to shame the person.
To be accountable is to accept responsibility for the behavior or opinion expressed. .
The 2nd terminology "accountable" is how the OP wishes his adult sister to exhibit.
Yet the sister continues to thwart accountability and shines the light brightly on its "them" not me that caused xyz.
Basically only one of them grew up...and it wasn't the sister.
Why do I blame my sister?
Don't blame her (just disappointed) since she made some bad choices to which there are consequences...would like to see her make amends and try to get along with mom (who misses her...calls her a lot without returned calls) before she passes away. She did stop drinking cold turkey around 10 years ago (still a lot of pot) which is one of the best decisions ever! Hope she can be less selfish with a little compassion, as well as less angry, and happy someday.
Last edited by Fisherman99; 12-01-2019 at 10:14 AM..
I think there is a misconception in terminology.
To blame is to shame the person.
To be accountable is to accept responsibility for the behavior or opinion expressed. .
The 2nd terminology "accountable" is how the OP wishes his adult sister to exhibit.
Yet the sister continues to thwart accountability and shines the light brightly on its "them" not me that caused xyz.
Basically only one of them grew up...and it wasn't the sister.
Yep, wish she could be accountable and accept responsibility. Is married to a cold husband that is even more selfish than her and had a rough/abusive childhood. Luckily they have no kids! Just wish she could mature and grow up...still hoping.
Not accept responsibility hence the term blame shifting. Which I see far too often.
Problem is now a days with alot of pop culture psyc tv like Dr Phil or Intervention these type shows make it easy for anyone to make their own diagnosis. Sometimes they are trying to make a sincere effort others are just trying to use for leverage or to blame. An ex juvenile delinquent with adult might be an example of that. I've seen it.
One can always ponder what if or could've should've would've but those same things can be used for self reflection and/or to make their next step ie change, leave the old life behind. The same way they are analyzing someone else's decisions they should be using to analyze theirs.
It's doesn't take a parent to figure out illegal drug abuse is wrong. Yeh at 14 the parent will have to tell their children but at 18,20,30? Certain things are self explanatory, no guidance needed. Same for many other things. Also once an adult a child can have nothing to do with their family if they want to. If they think the family is that messed up leave or stay away.
Among the many trends over past decades and generations is the avoidance of personal responsibility and owning up to one's own actions. We see that all around us, from the situation discussed in the OP, all the way up to government. People are routinely passing the buck and the blame and the ultimate nasty cleanup.
I'm a bit of a amateur historian, and read extensively of the US in the 19th century. There's no doubt how incredibly different people were back then. And that's especially true of personal responsibility. People heavily took care of their own "housecleaning", and even if they didn't, society forced them to note and account for their actions. It was a high priority. Now, people don't give a sht.
Precisely so they don’t have to accept responsibility for their own choices, blame shifting and scapegoating is a cop out.
To play Devil's advocate
Exactly. BUT by the same token some parents whose children are juvenile delinquents, flunking school etc in/by their early to mid teens might want to take a look at themselves. Absolutely the adult child should move on but until they are an adult or can think like an adult the parents do have a certain amount of influence if not control of how their children are doing.
I know a single parent who spent ALOT of time out with their partner partying, drinking leaving their 'trouble' child in the hands of who ever and wonder why they almost flunked out of school having to repeat a year. They were out 3-5 nights a week, un-necessarily left their child in day care paying late fees while they pa hung out with their bestee there's a problem. In jr high and high school that child absolutely could've blamed their parent. Should note her 'parent' almost lost custody after being turned into child welfare for leaving a young child/teen alone for excess amounts of time among other things. The parent copped out and blamed their child's issues on cell phones and social media. I might buy that if they weren't an absentee parent.
That being said the child finally graduated, now working a job, has a car, has found another place to live. As an adult when out of the purview of the parent they moved on. Should also note that parent had another child that didn't want them at their wedding. To me after meeting them and seeing what went on that parent absolutely should get some of the blame for many issues that afflict their adult children.
As another noted there are 2 sides to every story.
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