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Old 12-07-2019, 10:32 AM
 
92 posts, read 40,792 times
Reputation: 85

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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
OK. I'm telling you, I see it as odd behavior, but then the whole thing sounds odd since you say you don't even know why she broke up with you and she broke up with you over the phone after being with you for at least a year.

Nothing but the bedroom suite sounds valuable. Personally I'd box up the small items, drop them off at her sister's house, tell her I'd done so and then ask what she intends to do about the bedroom furniture.

Or you can mail the smaller items to her if you like but it seems like an unnecessary expense. Whatever - I'd get them out of the house and then text her and let her know where the stuff is.

If she doesn't answer you quickly, as in a day or two, about the bedroom furniture, I'd say "Well, I didn't hear from you, so I'm just telling you that if you plan on keeping it, please make arrangements for pick up by (date no more than two weeks out). After that point, I'm going to assume you don't want it."

And I agree. Block her on social media WITHOUT USING ANY DRAMA. She can still reach you via email or (gasp) SNAIL MAIL.

And do not be calling her, or texting her, or allowing her to do the same to you, regarding ANYTHING other than making arrangements for this stuff. Nothing else. NOTHING ELSE.

As soon as the date passes for her to pick up the furniture, block her on your phone. Don't yell at her, don't fight with her, don't go around badmouthing her, don't tell your friends and family that you're blocking her - just do it quietly.

Move on.

The definition of insanity - you know it, right?
The only thing I got from her is that all of a sudden she couldn't give me what I wanted right now which is a relationship. Yet that is what she gave me for a year and talked about moving in and getting married. That her past still wasn't her past and she was feeling really anxious and stressed lately. I did try to talk to her via text a couple days after the break up to try to get answers but she kept saying that it wasn't me at all and for me not to think that it was and that I was the best man she had ever been with and all that bs. Her sister said that I treated her better than anyone she's ever been with. Her sister and mom both told her not to break it off with me.

I'm not sure what she meant by her past wasn't her past yet. She had a boyfriend about 4-5 years ago and they were together for 5 years. She was really in love with him but things went sour and he cheated on her(multiple times) and even knocked her unconscious once opening the door really hard on her and it hit her head. After they broke up he kept threatening to show up at her work and she finally had to get a restraining order on him. He eventually moved away for a while and went to prison for a few months for drugs or stealing. Well I noticed about 2 months ago on facebook he's apparently out a changed man, going to church and speaking out about his "story" through dark times or whatever. If she is talking about that past, she's an idiot.

She seems like she hasn't been phased at all with the breakup. Like it never happened which makes me think she is getting attention elsewhere. Doesn't matter. I treated her both her and her sons good. Her son's really liked me and were excited about moving in. The week before the breakup me, her and the boys went to a theme park the weekend and had a great time. She acted fine, holding my hand etc. Even the day before the breakup she was acting completely fine. Came out of nowhere.

I'm focused on my house right now and getting it done. Doesn't matter

Last edited by brz85; 12-07-2019 at 10:52 AM..
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Old 12-07-2019, 10:41 AM
 
92 posts, read 40,792 times
Reputation: 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lieneke View Post
Something about the situation doesn't sound right. My understanding is that you spent 4 years caring for your parents, you were single at the time. Then you met a nice woman who has a son. She has her own place, but she sometimes stayed at your house. A year later, after she had big furniture delivered to your house, she vanished without collecting her things.

I think it's best to box up all her things and arrange a time for her to collect them. I suggest that you have a friend with you when that happens. Return the furniture to where ever it came from.
What doesn't sound right? She had an apartment about 30 minutes in the next town over. She would stay with me every weekend when the boys went to their dad's. She bought the bedroom suite back in August from her boss and I picked it up and brought it back to the house.
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Old 12-07-2019, 10:53 AM
 
7,489 posts, read 4,922,476 times
Reputation: 8031
Quote:
Originally Posted by brz85 View Post
What doesn't sound right? She had an apartment about 30 minutes in the next town over. She would stay with me every weekend when the boys went to their dad's. She bought the bedroom suite back in August from her boss and I picked it up and brought it back to the house.
Everything sounds so abrupt - buying bedroom furniture one day, disappearing from your life the next.

Now that you've mentioned the other ex boyfriend, it make more sense. Perhaps you represented stability and a normal healthy life, but not the excitement that she wants in life. Have you considered what you will do if she comes back to you claiming that she made a mistake with the other ex? Are you prepared to live a complicated life like that, or are you severing all ties with her?

You have a lot to offer! Set your standards high for meeting the right woman with whom you can build a happy life.
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Old 12-07-2019, 10:57 AM
 
92 posts, read 40,792 times
Reputation: 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lieneke View Post
Everything sounds so abrupt - buying bedroom furniture one day, disappearing from your life the next.

Now that you've mentioned the other ex boyfriend, it make more sense. Perhaps you represented stability and a normal healthy life, but not the excitement that she wants in life. Have you considered what you will do if she comes back to you claiming that she made a mistake with the other ex? Are you prepared to live a complicated life like that, or are you severing all ties with her?

You have a lot to offer! Set your standards high for meeting the right woman with whom you can build a happy life.
On the phone when she was breaking up with me she mentioned she was probably going to regret it. Honestly after this, I'm not sure I could trust her anymore. Starting to wonder if I really knew her.
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Old 12-07-2019, 11:09 AM
 
7,489 posts, read 4,922,476 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brz85 View Post
On the phone when she was breaking up with me she mentioned she was probably going to regret it. Honestly after this, I'm not sure I could trust her anymore. Starting to wonder if I really knew her.
I think you're moving in the right direction and starting to heal from the breakup. It's probably worthwhile taking some time to firm up your response just in case she wants to rekindle things. The fact that she left her things behind, as well as bedroom furniture, feels a bit like she thinks she's left the door open to return if she feels like it - that it is her choice, not yours.

As long has her things are at your house, you are still tangled up with her and her violent friend. I think you need to protect yourself emotionally at this time. Get her stuff out of your house, including her bedroom furniture.

Renovating is a great way to give a fresh feel to life. Next, put yourself out there and find a really great woman - hopefully one without so much baggage.
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Old 12-07-2019, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,560,490 times
Reputation: 101051
DO NOT TRUST HER. SHE IS NOT TRUSTWORTHY.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Get rid of her stuff quickly. Do not maintain contact with her. Block her from social media. As soon as the stuff is dispersed (within a coupla weeks at most) block her from your phone. Meanwhile, do not get roped into any conversations other than those ONLY about the few material things she left at your house.

You're talking about some second hand (now third hand) furniture and a few used personal items. Get rid of these things and move forward without this person in your life.
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Old 12-07-2019, 01:13 PM
 
3,200 posts, read 2,401,866 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brz85 View Post
About a month ago my girlfriend of a year(known for 2 years, friend first year) whom I absolutely adored broke up with me. Honestly still not sure why it ended. I never got a clear answer and didn't want to keep pushing so I just let it be. Regardless, it hit me pretty hard and it's something I'm trying my best to deal with on a daily basis. It being the holidays hasn't made it any easier. I lost my dad around this same time 4 years ago and my mom 6 years ago.

My parents willed their house to me and I've been living in it ever since they passed. It's the house I grew up in so I have a lot of memories here. Lately I've had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Almost unbearable at times to the point I have actually just broken down in tears. This house is paid for but I've been thinking it's time to sell and move on. I think staying here is keeping me in the past. If I did sell I would give a third each to my two half brothers who live in different states.

So if I sell I will again have a mortgage. I have a good job and currently my commute is 1.5 hours each way but I do get to work from home a couple days a week. My manager whom is a friend as well really wants me to move closer to the office. It's the second biggest city in the state and one of the fastest growing in the US. Right now I live in the country and have some family and friends that live around me. I just don't feel like I fit in in this city and with the people. Sometimes I even feel alone in the office because me and my manager are in our mid 30s and everyone else is in their 20s.

I just don't know what to do anymore. One minute I feel like I've made a decision and the next day I don't feel the same about it. I'm so up and down about everything in my life right now.
The worst thing anyone can do after a loss be it a death, divorce or a breakup is to make rash decisions. Don't do anything at the moment except try to befriend those people at the office even though they are younger than you because guess what, each and every one of them might have an older friend who is single. If they are getting together for a Christmas celebration somewhere go, make a reservation at a hotel and stay in the city. You can't meet someone new if you don't get out there. At the very least it should help with the loneliness. If later you still feel this need to move, then sell the house but don't do it because at the moment you feel lonely and unhappy due to a breakup. Much of this is probably compounded by your parents deaths. It takes time. Give yourself time.
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Old 12-07-2019, 02:53 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
11,343 posts, read 9,238,914 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brz85 View Post
Hey John I have a 7 year old Doberman and a cat right now. My house sits on 2.5 acres with plenty of room for him to run around. Something else I have to consider if I ever moved.
I was going to suggest to move until I read that.

Yes to the last part. You are not alone as most consider pets family.

Definitely get rid of her stuff and take the advice Ms. KathrynAragon gave you.

You will have to decide about moving but I don't see it as a rush. I think you have it pretty good in my eyes. Your pets could still be happy at a new place and maybe yourself too with the shorter commute.

Just a side note I recently moved to a city where I do not know anyone. I have no pets and just spent my 8th Thanksgiving in a row alone because I failed (again) to get an invite. I deal with it in a good frame of mind, blocking out negative thoughts. That's something you can do yourself, been there, done that as I am older. Getting rid of her stuff and cutting her completely out of your life should be the first step as it will likely give you some closure and help you move on.

Best wishes.
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Old 12-07-2019, 03:11 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,560,490 times
Reputation: 101051
I agree with John and others who have said don't rush into selling your house.

You may decide to sell it, but hey, it's a paid for house, and it has room for your animals, and if you sell it you will only end up with 1/3 of the value. Though your siblings will probably be glad you decided to sell (not saying they are right or wrong). But just move slowly when it comes to that.

I think though that the first thing to do is get rid of her stuff and don't interact with her anymore. Don't follow her on social media, don't text her, don't go hugging her stuff or smelling it or anything like that - LOL. She showed you what she's like - like I said, believe her. You do not need that sort of drama in your life. YOU DO NOT NEED IT AND SHE'S GIVEN YOU AN OUT. Take it.

You may decide to sell the house a few months from now or whatever, and that's fine. If you do decide to sell it, you probably will not regret it much if at all. But acclimate first because until you do, you will always wonder if things would have been better if you'd just sold the house and moved. One thing at a time.
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Old 12-07-2019, 09:45 PM
 
7,489 posts, read 4,922,476 times
Reputation: 8031
Brz85, you asked earlier today why I thought there were red flags. The reason is that you seem particularly vulnerable to women who may be vultures and black widows. You seem like a good guy, handy enough to do home renovations, with a good job, a good family, and a home on 2.5 acres with a friendly cat and dog. You have a really good life. You cared for your parents over a period of 4 years. That makes you vulnerable to women who need to be rescued and who play a good game, but they do not love good guys - they are drawn to the exciting high risk bad boys.

You met a woman a year ago who came off a really bad relationship that included a jail stint for domestic violence. He is still in her life. That's a huge red flag for you, the good guy who tried to rescue her. You welcomed her and her sons into your life and home for weekend sleepovers, but as soon as the other domestic partner was out of jail claiming to have found Jesus, she disappeared even on the weekend. She didn't leave, she just vanished. All her stuff, including a new bedroom suite, was left at your house - your home, where you have good memories and a pet family.

Get rid of her stuff. Put it in the garage and let her know that she has 2 weeks to pick it up - offer to have it delivered. She has a violent boyfriend. Make sure you have a friend with you if she's stopping by to pick up her stuff.

And obviously, do not sell your house. That's your family home. It's a free ticket for the rest of your life, a free roof over your head. Free housing (except for utilities and taxes) means you have so much more money to spend every month on making your life easier and better.

What about friends of your parents - do any of them have a nice daughter who wants a good life?

Last edited by Lieneke; 12-07-2019 at 09:58 PM..
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