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From the outside looking in, it could be perceived that I have my life together fairly well. Married, homeowner, college-educated, decent career. However, sometimes I feel utterly lost and aimless. This thought usually permeates after a moment of distress or maladroit, which in turn results in me thinking, "What the hell am I doing?"
While I'm happy with my relationship with my spouse, I feel lost in my social life outside of home. I find it difficult to formulate relationships, because I tend to want something meaningful and deep, whereas I see many relationships as relatively shallow but not necessarily meaningless. And while I'm happy with my career success and earnings, I feel lost at times about what I actually want to do and what I'm actually really good at. A lot of the time, it's about finding the right fit, or finding the right relationships.
I think that has a lot to do with my personality make-up. We were raised to be fairly humble and borderline meek. And while I've grown out of the meekness to some extent in adulthood, I don't do well with a lot of strong or aggressive personality types. When it comes to personal relationships, I generally avoid these types of people because I tend to associate them with confrontation. When it comes to work, these personality types make me question my choice to work at a place and whether I'm any good at my job. So then I end up wanting to leave and soul-search until I find a better fit.
Anyone else feel similarly at times, and what sorts of methods have worked for you to overcome?
No need to be borderline meek, but staying humble with steadfast inner strength is a great trait that should be encouraged, rather than overly strong, aggressive, confrontational, selfish traits that seem more common in America ( compared to other countries like Japan, etc) . It is okay to be nice with empathy and compassion while remaining very strong. Those types are usually more adaptable to all types of people leading to success in work and life when their passion is truly found.
No need to be borderline meek, but staying humble with steadfast inner strength is a great trait that should be encouraged, rather than overly strong, aggressive, confrontational, selfish traits that seem more common in America ( compared to other countries like Japan, etc) . It is okay to be nice with empathy and compassion while remaining very strong. Those types are usually more adaptable to all types of people leading to success in work and life when their passion is truly found.
I struggle with my opinion on this. While I agree with you in terms of what I think should translate to success, I see a lot of successful people who are the "strong, aggressive, confrontational, selfish" types. I currently work in a sales environment where it seems like these people are treated like kings or queens because they have these personalities that seemingly go hand in hand with bringing in revenue. They can seemingly walk all over their cohorts with minimal repercussions. There are also the case studies that illustrate how most CEOs are narcissists on some level.
So this is why I've questioned a lot lately where my place is, and whether I have a place in the middle to upper echelon of societal hierarchy.
I realize that being humble isn't exactly the same thing as being an introvert, but you might want to check out this book just the same. What Quiet was about was figuring out how to be a more effective introvert, but I think a lot of those skills and approaches can be carried over toward using the more humble aspects of your personality to advance your career. So for instance in Quiet, the author talks about how introverts can end up being more effective sales people because they are taking more time to really understand and listen to what the customers want and need.
Join some social groups. I have two social outlets: My dog sports groups and my creative writing group. The dog sports folks are probably not your thing if you're not into dogs, but the writing group might be perfect, providing a way to express yourself and bringing you into contact with people you might not normally encounter. My one writing group is a real cast of characters, many of them quite introverted. When someone enters the group, they are usually unaware they are getting an instant social life, lol. But if they hit it off with anyone, they'll be doing coffee on the weekends and being invited along on often bizarre outings. We've got one guy who lives in an RV and performs at Renaissance fairs, a retired areospace engineer, three older women who I think of as "the aunties" and a young guy that all us older people are mentoring in how to be an adult.
Shop around for a group on meetup.com or facebook where you will feel comfortable and accepted. Stop worrying about "meaningful" - that often comes with time. And it really doesn't MEAN that much - if you're enjoying yourself, that is enough. Not every person you hang out with has to be your best friend.
I’d never thought I’d like golf but I love to play even thorn not that good at it
Go have a few drinks with the guys and play golf .,,,,can be fishing.
Any hobby.
Sounds like you are obsessing on being bored
You are wayyyy overthinking this
Count your blessings and be thankful for them
Also
If you spent decades not getting too close to
New friends or couples - then you might be feeling
A bit of a loner.
Think of new adventures to do with your spouse
And be spontaneous - some people at first find comfort in predictability
Yet. We can easily despise it and be too dismissive
The relationship with your wife can be the one that's "meaningful and deep". As you said... many relationships are shallow, but not necessarily meaningless....not everyone wants a deep relationship with someone else...they keep that for the ones they truly love.
That's how I (personally) like to keep it.
Like the above poster said...think of new adventures to do with your spouse.
You have more to be thankful for than a lot of people.
A true, deep meaningful relationship is hard to find...you have one already.
OP said: And while I'm happy with my career success and earnings, I feel lost at times about what I actually want to do and what I'm actually really good at.
This is for you to find out, although they may not be the same thing (want to do/good at). Some men want to be a pro golfer for example but do not have the skills or want to find a cure for a disease but not put in the many years of expensive higher education (and loans) and low wages a researcher earns.
If you LOVE what you do you'll never work a day in your life, the saying goes. Getting highly paid AND a career you are crazy about is everyone's dream. My nephew got that directly after college, career that uses his talents, pays well, great marriage, two kids. Rare in my opinion.
There are writers that worked mundane jobs (insurance, teaching) while writing what became world famous books. But there are tens of thousands doing the same thing who never got any fame or money.
You should explore, maybe with a talk therapist, what you feel is missing and what you want to do differently.
Better now than later.
To be clear, I'm not suggesting everyone should have children. Plenty of people don't desire them, and lead fulfilling lives without them.
For me personally they changed my life in a very positive. At one point in life I would say I was in a similar position to you. I was married, had a good career, and owned my home. My life had been going pretty much the way I would have wanted it to, yet I felt unfulfilled. My wife and I had talked about kids, but never put a solid timeline on when we wanted them, we just had a vague notion of "someday". I was approaching my 30th birthday, and we came to the realization that there would never be some grand signal that it was time to move forward and start trying to have a family. We decided there was no time better than the present, and about a year later our first child was born.
I've felt my life has had a lot more purpose since we had our children.
Again, I'm not trying to say children are for everyone, but if it is something you and your spouse want, now might be the time to start thinking about it.
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