Being long time single and feeling of inadequacy? (girlfriend, attractive, woman)

[Peter_EU]

Originally Posted by ddm2k

Your sole reason for existence isn't to figure out how to delight someone 24/7. It's a fallacy and sets the bar too high for yourself to maintain. Dating's really not that hard or difficult.

Edgy

The entire reason for existence is to make people you love and care about happy. Namely:
- Friends
- partner
- family.

Feel free to disagree with me and live different life... Life, where you care mostly about yourself and you have no true friends, feel no real love and maybe have no or dysfunctional family. I know such people... Pitiful is the only word I have for them. Being in their presence, talking about their lives, their day... Fills you with odd emptiness and sense of sorrow and misery.

Oh yes, your sole reason for life is to figure out how to delight your loved ones, just as their reason is to delight you, my boy.

[shelato]

Originally Posted by ddm2k

Your sole reason for existence isn't to figure out how to delight someone 24/7. It's a fallacy and sets the bar too high for yourself to maintain. Dating's really not that hard or difficult.

Originally Posted by Peter_EU

Edgy

The entire reason for existence is to make people you love and care about happy. Namely:
- Friends
- partner
- family.

Feel free to disagree with me and live different life... Life, where you care mostly about yourself and you have no true friends, feel no real love and maybe have no or dysfunctional family. I know such people... Pitiful is the only word I have for them. Being in their presence, talking about their lives, their day... Fills you with odd emptiness and sense of sorrow and misery.

Oh yes, your sole reason for life is to figure out how to delight your loved ones, just as their reason is to delight you, my boy.

Let me approach this another way. You can fall in love with a person or you can fall in love with the idea of love and then just sort of assign someone to the role of girlfriend you love.

During the honeymoon phase of a relationship, the person you meet might seem to have no flaws and you might for a while tell yourself that this relationship is effortless. But mostly that is just hormones, because real relationships take work.

I don't think you can really say that you love someone until you really see them for who they are. Where you see their real flaws and they see your real flaws and you decide to accept them as imperfect as they are and they decide to accept the real version of you as imperfect as you are. The reality is that no one can sustain delighting someone 24/7. There are going to be times when you are a really great boyfriend or husband and there are going to be times where you are going to be a totally flawed human being. The same is true for the person you are dating, sometimes they will be this totally amazing girlfriend and sometimes she might also be a flawed human who says and does the wrong thing and puts her foot in her mouth.

Don't get me wrong, I like being in healthy relationships, but the people I was dating were like me, they were human and sometimes made asses of themselves and you have to make allowances for that too. Sometimes your girlfriend is going to catch you pleasuring yourself to midget porn or something embarrassing like that and your ability to accept each other's weirdness and flaws I think are major aspects of having a healthy relationship.

[typical_guinea_pig]

The entire reason for existence is to make people you love and care about happy. Namely:
- Friends
- partner
- family.

Feel free to disagree with me and live different life... Life, where you care mostly about yourself and you have no true friends, feel no real love and maybe have no or dysfunctional family. I know such people... Pitiful is the only word I have for them. Being in their presence, talking about their lives, their day... Fills you with odd emptiness and sense of sorrow and misery.

Oh yes, your sole reason for life is to figure out how to delight your loved ones, just as their reason is to delight you, my boy.

If your sole reason for life is to delight certain other people, then are the other people's sole reasons for existing to be delighted by you? Or are they also supposed to base their existence on being a delight to you?

You exist. That's pure cause for delight, you don't need to justify it with "reasons". When you're delighted with your own existence, that you simply "are", then you'll be an uplifter in your relationships in a most natural way, because it's your nature, your essence, not because you need a reason for existing. Huge difference vibrationally.

P.S. This is also the answer to your self esteem issue.

[Nov3]

Originally Posted by typical_guinea_pig

If your sole reason for life is to delight certain other people, then are the other people's sole reasons for existing to be delighted by you? Or are they also supposed to base their existence on being a delight to you?

You exist. That's pure cause for delight, you don't need to justify it with "reasons". When you're delighted with your own existence, that you simply "are", then you'll be an uplifter in your relationships in a most natural way, because it's your nature, your essence, not because you need a reason for existing. Huge difference vibrationally.

P.S. This is also the answer to your self esteem issue.

No truer words were spoken with such genuine thought . Thank you for that tidbit of wisdom.

[Sonic_Spork]

In a sense I feel like I understand and empathize.

A lot of people criticize women for posting selfies or other pictures of themselves online (just an example here.) I'm not extremely confident in my appearance being a huge strength for me. It's far easier for me to lead with my personality and have conversations with people, even strangers I just met, and feel that it will result in them responding positively to me. So for me to take pictures or have them taken, is stepping outside of my comfort zone. For me to share them, is stepping even FURTHER outside of it. I'd rather give a speech in front of thousands, honestly. It would be less uncomfortable in terms of what I expect as a social reaction.

On those occasions when I have managed to get a picture I looked at and actually liked, and I decided to share it, this is a brave thing for me...and when I get little or no reaction to it, I feel rejected and invisible. And my response is to withdraw from the place I posted it, and often to withdraw from any affiliated real life social groups, too. I feel very, "These people don't give a crap about me, I'm invisible and I'm nobody to them." Seems insane to have a reaction like that, to something as superficial as a photo, or to need "validation" like that, but for me it's like showing up at a party and no one wants to talk to me, and I'm left awkwardly alone...except that's a thing that never happens to me.

In my case, I do think that there's an element where if I feel like I'm not what other people want (not pretty enough to be what they want to see, not interesting enough to be who they'd want to talk about, not whatever enough to get a positive response in any context from other humans) then it's echoing back to how I practically always felt like a disappointment to my parents. I didn't get much approval at all from them. It became, for my child self, so much easier and more comfortable and safe, to spend time alone because when I did, there wasn't any need to even consider what anyone was thinking about the person I am, or if they wished I were more this or less that or someone besides my own self. It's weird that I'm such an extrovert now, but I often get restless and anxious when my connections get to a certain depth, especially if anyone appears to be forming expectations.

Shelato actually pointed me in the direction of some reading about avoidant attachment, and I think that nailed it pretty well. Bottom line though, yes, I think it's useful to consider if you can remember anything about how you grew up that might feel similarly to emotional responses to situations in your present life.

But at the same time, it is very human to be lonely if you struggle to find a loving partner. Without even getting any deeper into the matter than that. It's normal, to desire affirmation from others and to question if you are in fact OK as a human being, if you don't get that. I see tons of advice online that you only need yourself and should be the only source of validation that matters for you...and sadly I just don't think that's very useful. We are social animals and loneliness is painful for us.

Finally, regarding love languages, one way I thought about that concept is this... If for some reasons outside of our control, my partner and I could not engage in other ways of showing love, is there one of those that would keep me feeling loved and secure in our bond? For me, it's Words of Affirmation all the way. If for instance he had an emergency and had to travel somewhere and we were parted for a time, I'd rather he wrote or called (so long as he is able to be emotionally expressive) than to have him send me a gift or arrange for someone to come clean my house. In fact gifts and acts of service have potential to make me uncomfortable. I enjoy quality time and touch a lot, but sometimes still get restless especially if I've got stuff I need to get done, rather than snuggling for hours. I do think that the other factors have their place and it isn't that I'd be OK if my relationship were devoid of any of them fully. But Words can sustain me even if none of the rest is there for a while, and they have more power for me.

[carrcollie]

Originally Posted by K12144

But none of these are unreasonable things to expect from someone. Other than the fact that some people have weight issues that have no bearing on their personality,

There actually is a link between personality characteristics and the tendency to overeat, in certain individuals. But it's not PC to talk about it so I won't go there. I will just leave it at that.

[carrcollie]

Originally Posted by smt1111

I can't say it's due to childhood trauma but yes, I believe our negative beliefs start at a young age. I believe we're born with certain personality traits and physical characteristics that either enhance or detract from finding a partner. Our culture is very superficial and if you don't have these specific "desirable" traits and characteristics, it's definitely be more difficult for you to find a partner, versus someone who has all of the right characteristics and traits.

I do think some people have personalities that allow them to be more successful at dating. I struggled in the area of dating for many years. On first dates, the man would either get angry and blow up at me, or bring me home early. I either said something offensive or I was too quiet. These dates often did not end well. I could be on the autism spectrum but I really don't know. I think it's more a case that I struggle with social skills when it comes to the opposite sex.

[moongirl00]

Originally Posted by Peter_EU

Hello there.

I have just an experimental question. I am trying to understand myself and things that are happening in my life (when the topic is relationships is it almost always in negative regard ).

So, basically what I realized this morning that whatever I do, I have huuuge sense of inadequacy when it comes to... my values on partner's market, and this sense keeps creeping in whatever I do or even funnier, whatever my actual value is... It is like, if I don't get some kind of compliment for one or two days I start feeling like I am not worthy enough .

There are 2 things interesting about this:

1) I can't really say I would suffer of some significant issues in other areas of life... I feel I see my qualities as quite realistic...
2) Although I suffered a lot of rejection throughout my life, I don't remember any instance where some woman would tell me directly that I am not good enough for her or there was a direct link between her reaction and what I thought it was actual cause... I mean, in most cases it was probably true, we all want smb. that is "good enough for us", but "not good enough" might have had different meanings than I thought, such as, I considered myself not to be successful or attractive enough, while what she really meant was "I prefer somebody who is more cute at this point", which I wold be perfectly OK with, if I knew this was the reason of her rejection... And from this perspective, these issues of mine can be quite irrational, undermining my own success.

And thus I am asking what might be the cause of this mentality of mine...

And here is my question: Is there somebody who sees himself/herself in this? ...If you suffer from lack of self confidence, can you remember particular case, were there was a direct link between your rejection and cause of it? Or is it possible, that this mentality might derive from smt. different, such as childhood trauma or maybe some wrong belief you gained somewhere in your life?

Thanks!

To me, nothing you say sounds unhealthy or unrealistic. Possibly you are suffering from the disappointment of realizing that life is more difficult than expected. I think this is a "crisis" most people face at some point. Movies, books, fantasy, lead most people to unrealistically high expectations, but all that is the stuff of fiction, used for entertainment, fantasy, dreaming. Actual life is a constant struggle for most people. Each day we work to meet our basic needs, to survive, and if we obtain things beyond basic survival, such as pleasure, happiness, love, etc., then in my opinion we are doing better than most.

Rejection is a thing everyone deals with. Anyone who says they have never been rejected is lying, I think. And its a thing that will always be painful, as long as someone has emotions, they will feel the pain of it.

Its possible to distance from the emotions of it though and rationalize it. Intellectualize it. One persons opinion of you doesnt determine your worth. Its only one person and she could be wrong. She might be blind to your positive traits due to her own failure. She is not a goddess, just one more imperfect being.

I dont think its unusual to look to others to reflect your worth or value back to you. Its pretty normal. We are people that evolved in close proximity to each other, and we succeeded by learning how to get along, and please each other. It becomes unhealthy only when it becomes an obsession or drives us to do dangerous or illegal things in an attempt to achieve that validation.

Striving to give it to yourself is healthy too. There are things you like about yourself, past achievements you have made, the memory of compliments and praise you have received. You can take time to remember those things, when you feel down.

[Atlguy39]

Originally Posted by moongirl00

To me, nothing you say sounds unhealthy or unrealistic. Possibly you are suffering from the disappointment of realizing that life is more difficult than expected. I think this is a "crisis" most people face at some point. Movies, books, fantasy, lead most people to unrealistically high expectations, but all that is the stuff of fiction, used for entertainment, fantasy, dreaming. Actual life is a constant struggle for most people. Each day we work to meet our basic needs, to survive, and if we obtain things beyond basic survival, such as pleasure, happiness, love, etc., then in my opinion we are doing better than most.

Rejection is a thing everyone deals with. Anyone who says they have never been rejected is lying, I think. And its a thing that will always be painful, as long as someone has emotions, they will feel the pain of it.

Its possible to distance from the emotions of it though and rationalize it. Intellectualize it. One persons opinion of you doesnt determine your worth. Its only one person and she could be wrong. She might be blind to your positive traits due to her own failure. She is not a goddess, just one more imperfect being.

I dont think its unusual to look to others to reflect your worth or value back to you. Its pretty normal. We are people that evolved in close proximity to each other, and we succeeded by learning how to get along, and please each other. It becomes unhealthy only when it becomes an obsession or drives us to do dangerous or illegal things in an attempt to achieve that validation.

Striving to give it to yourself is healthy too. There are things you like about yourself, past achievements you have made, the memory of compliments and praise you have received. You can take time to remember those things, when you feel down.

Very well said. I completely agree with all of it.

[Huckleberry3911948]

I have low self esteem and little self confidence but my confidence and esteem in the wonderful skills and teachers that got me where I am is very high indeed