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Sounds to me like this person is constantly looking for things to be offended by.
The correct response when he comes up with one of those replies, is to say, "You're always looking for things to be offended by, aren't you? You got a weird problem, and I can't help you with it."
And then ignore everything he says after that. Turn your back on him as needed. If he keeps after you, repeat the above statement.
And make no particular effort to lower your voice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
Somehow I doubt using the trigger word "You" and then telling him what to do is going to help anything. The efficacy of advice tends to be in the delivery .
I have no intention of helping anything. And I didn't tell him what to do.
As I implied in the last sentence, my suggested advice is for those standing nearby, to point out that normal people think this guy is simply a whiner and an attention hog who isn't looking for solutions, and so isn't worth worrying about. The hope is, that everyone else will also start ignoring him. And that eventually he will go away.
Actually I've tried that on the car issue. But like I mentioned they blame things on others. With the car they actually blame many of the issues on the mechanics on work done(or not) years ago. It's always somebody else's fault.
And they leave issues unaddressed for years constantly speculating what they might be wether it's the car, home or health-they procrastinate ALOT. But that's the thing they want others to engage in speculation and when someone says 'Did 'you' have this checked or adjusted' they take offense. Sometimes I think they just want attention and not answers. Some actually call them out on that because one will hear the same list of problems & issues year after year.
Actually I've tried that on the car issue. But like I mentioned they blame things on others. With the car they actually blame many of the issues on the mechanics on work done(or not) years ago. It's always somebody else's fault.
And they leave issues unaddressed for years constantly speculating what they might be wether it's the car, home or health-they procrastinate ALOT. But that's the thing they want others to engage in speculation and when someone says 'Did 'you' have this checked or adjusted' they take offense. Sometimes I think they just want attention and not answers. Some actually call them out on that because one will hear the same list of problems & issues year after year.
Maybe they DO want attention. Maybe this behavior is how they keep people in their lives. I don't know what their disability is, but maybe people would tend to ignore this person, if not for the problems this person allows to happen. You know...kind of like the misbehaving child who wants attention. The squeaky wheel...no pun intended.
Actually I've tried that on the car issue. But like I mentioned they blame things on others. With the car they actually blame many of the issues on the mechanics on work done(or not) years ago. It's always somebody else's fault.
And they leave issues unaddressed for years constantly speculating what they might be wether it's the car, home or health-they procrastinate ALOT. But that's the thing they want others to engage in speculation and when someone says 'Did 'you' have this checked or adjusted' they take offense. Sometimes I think they just want attention and not answers. Some actually call them out on that because one will hear the same list of problems & issues year after year.
You seem awfully entwined and perturbed by the behavior of a casual acquaintance.
If "they" bother you so much, keep your mouth shut and avoid them
I don't know why it would bother them to hear "you", sounds real sensitive to a high degree. I think some people have a problem with (and I don't like this to some degree to) someone pointing their finger at you and saying "you" - it is sometimes the delivery that gets people but sounds like you are careful and not doing anything insulting or provoking. People say "you" all the time.
sometimes the wording of a comment can change the meaning without our intent.
Maybe he took offence at the word "you" because you're not telling him something he doesn't already know...he's really more angry at himself for knowing this and not taking care of it...you're kinda pointing that out to him
Maybe you could say something to the effect that it's too bad the car has so many "issues" with it that he keeps getting stopped...that's a drag for sure
But that's the thing they want others to engage in speculation and when someone says 'Did 'you' have this checked or adjusted' they take offense. .
Just say it without the "you" in it..like,
I'd check this and maybe do some adjusting.
That way you're telling them what YOU would do instead of telling them what they should do.
It's unfortunate that wording means so much to some people...it's hard when you have to consider how you say things to someone without offending them.... when most of your friends can understand what you're saying without all the pussyfooting around..
Just say it without the "you" in it..like,
I'd check this and maybe do some adjusting.
That way you're telling them what YOU would do instead of telling them what they should do.
It's unfortunate that wording means so much to some people...it's hard when you have to consider how you say things to someone without offending them.... when most of your friends can understand what you're saying without all the pussyfooting around..
Words are important. Parents know this.
We know to avoid saying "YOU" when confronting young children with their behaviour, instead using "I" messages and talking about the offensive act rather than the child him/herself.
Interestingly, positive child-rearing tactics work well on adults too.
Actually I've tried that on the car issue. But like I mentioned they blame things on others. With the car they actually blame many of the issues on the mechanics on work done(or not) years ago. It's always somebody else's fault.
And they leave issues unaddressed for years constantly speculating what they might be wether it's the car, home or health-they procrastinate ALOT. But that's the thing they want others to engage in speculation and when someone says 'Did 'you' have this checked or adjusted' they take offense. Sometimes I think they just want attention and not answers. Some actually call them out on that because one will hear the same list of problems & issues year after year.
Can you just say well let me know if I can help you with anything, but not be around to deal with this part? Provide some resources for him to talk to someone (like a mental health line but you don't have to label it as one).
Aren't there volunteers who go to visit elderly/disabled just for company?
I mean, he's not going to change. So the only thing you can do is change your reaction to it.
My first thought was in Marine Basic Training you'd catch it for saying YOU to the DI.
A EWE IS A FEMALE SHEEP, PRIVATE! ARE YOU CALLING ME A FEMALE SHEEP??!!
Ah boy. Them was the days.
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