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So after 9 months of silence my mother showed up again in my text messages, asking if I "conquered" my "demons" yet. She then said she hoped we could start anew and asked me to visit her in her new home when I'm in the area for a business trip. I wrote back to her a day later reminding her that my one requirement for her to re-establish a relationship has been that she see a therapist and that I would not be budging on that. I also pointed out that it was very strange --- after being repeatedly told as a child that she would "lay down her life" for me, so great was her love for me (drama much?) --- to find that seeing a therapist at my request was somehow a bridge too far.
Shockingly, it's been about a week, and there's been no response.
To me, it was just another example of gaslighting and ignoring boundaries. She's never going to do the stuff that I need her to do, but she's always gonna pop up whenever she thinks it's been long enough for me to "forget" about the requirement I laid out for her very clearly. Basically, my mother most resembles a rather sneaky case of herpes - there's gonna be flare-ups from time to time and I'll never be completely rid of her.
This latest text though makes me feel disrespected and kind of like I'm not being seen or something. And I guess it kinda validates my belief that there is something deeply wrong with her. More than ever, I think her last therapist (who she last saw 20 years ago and stopped seeing because the woman began "asking invasive questions") figured out that she has a personality disorder and started to try and dig into that. My mom knows she has a problem and she's trying to keep that secret buried pretty desperately, I'm thinking.
But mostly I'm just amused. Who actually asks someone if they've conquered their flippin' demons? Who talks like that?
No questions here. Just a vent because I'm sick with the tail end of a cold that I can't quite kick and I have a lot of time to brood over random stuff under the influence of cold medicine. LOL
Haha, cold medicine always messes with my mind. Hey, if you want to try something that's almost but not quite fun, take Thera Flu and Nyquil at the same time and then go to sleep (that part won't be hard). Whenever I do that, I have the most amazing and entertaining dreams! I also rest really well, which I figure is good for a sick body. I can take these two together and doze on the sofa, thoroughly entertained in my sleep, for hours and hours...during the day even! Note - I never said I look pretty, and I tend to wake up with a sore throat because I've been mouth breathing, but at least I managed to wile away some hours that would otherwise be pretty miserable.
OK on to your mom. I agree with everything you wrote. As the daughter of a mother who was bipolar, and who refused any treatment or even counseling for it, and who considered therapists to be a ridiculous concept, I commend you for establishing and maintaining boundaries, which is what I had to do for decades. It was hard, and I had a mother who was at least a BIT cooperative, because she actually did want a relationship with me and I believe she loved me in her own messed up way. So she would sort of accommodate my boundaries, though she was always pushing on them. I learned to be very, very consistent about them. So I commend you on being consistent.
It's not easy being the child of someone with a mental health disorder.
I'm so glad you have your dad and that you will enjoy memories of your time with your dad for years to come.
You know what's unexpected to me? I lost my mom in January and do you know that I haven't missed her much at all? I mean, I am sorry that she had a sad life. I wish she could have been happier. But as far as actually missing her? Not one iota. I have a feeling you will experience the same thing.
I miss my dad. How I wish he was here right now - he loved the holidays. But I don't miss my mother at all, which for some reason I guess I just didn't expect. I don't feel guilty about that either and you shouldn't feel guilty about maintaining those healthy boundaries.
It's sad that your mom does seem to want to have a relationship with you - but she just simply does not know how to have a balanced, healthy relationship. So I think your mother has probably had a sad life emotionally and will always have one. But you can't fix this. You know it. You can't be what she thinks she needs and wants, because what she needs and wants is not healthy and you would rather be healthy.
So after 9 months of silence my mother showed up again in my text messages, asking if I "conquered" my "demons" yet. She then said she hoped we could start anew and asked me to visit her in her new home when I'm in the area for a business trip. I wrote back to her a day later reminding her that my one requirement for her to re-establish a relationship has been that she see a therapist and that I would not be budging on that. I also pointed out that it was very strange --- after being repeatedly told as a child that she would "lay down her life" for me, so great was her love for me (drama much?) --- to find that seeing a therapist at my request was somehow a bridge too far.
Shockingly, it's been about a week, and there's been no response.
To me, it was just another example of gaslighting and ignoring boundaries. She's never going to do the stuff that I need her to do, but she's always gonna pop up whenever she thinks it's been long enough for me to "forget" about the requirement I laid out for her very clearly. Basically, my mother most resembles a rather sneaky case of herpes - there's gonna be flare-ups from time to time and I'll never be completely rid of her.
This latest text though makes me feel disrespected and kind of like I'm not being seen or something. And I guess it kinda validates my belief that there is something deeply wrong with her. More than ever, I think her last therapist (who she last saw 20 years ago and stopped seeing because the woman began "asking invasive questions") figured out that she has a personality disorder and started to try and dig into that. My mom knows she has a problem and she's trying to keep that secret buried pretty desperately, I'm thinking.
But mostly I'm just amused. Who actually asks someone if they've conquered their flippin' demons? Who talks like that?
No questions here. Just a vent because I'm sick with the tail end of a cold that I can't quite kick and I have a lot of time to brood over random stuff under the influence of cold medicine. LOL
I wish you the best, because you were obviously hurt by your mother. I was as well, so I get it. The thing is, you cannot make another human being do a thing - and to suggest that you won't reunite with her until she does x,y, and z is an attempt to control her. I am not saying you don't have your reasons for this, but it is unreasonable to expect her to do anything - the most you could hope for (from my vantage point, which is moot) would be goodwill. I would take that she wants to reconnect with you an act of goodwill, but you obviously don't. The end result is just going to be an ongoing power struggle.
I "forgave" my mom - never expected her to change, and she didn't. Protected myself against her as much as I could, but treated her civilly (I understood she was likely incapable of changing). I don't hold any animosity towards her and she did terrible things to me. That is not because I am a saint. I am not - I just decided to not let her control my emotional life.
Haha, cold medicine always messes with my mind. Hey, if you want to try something that's almost but not quite fun, take Thera Flu and Nyquil at the same time and then go to sleep (that part won't be hard). Whenever I do that, I have the most amazing and entertaining dreams! I also rest really well, which I figure is good for a sick body. I can take these two together and doze on the sofa, thoroughly entertained in my sleep, for hours and hours...during the day even! Note - I never said I look pretty, and I tend to wake up with a sore throat because I've been mouth breathing, but at least I managed to wile away some hours that would otherwise be pretty miserable.
OK on to your mom. I agree with everything you wrote. As the daughter of a mother who was bipolar, and who refused any treatment or even counseling for it, and who considered therapists to be a ridiculous concept, I commend you for establishing and maintaining boundaries, which is what I had to do for decades. It was hard, and I had a mother who was at least a BIT cooperative, because she actually did want a relationship with me and I believe she loved me in her own messed up way. So she would sort of accommodate my boundaries, though she was always pushing on them. I learned to be very, very consistent about them. So I commend you on being consistent.
It's not easy being the child of someone with a mental health disorder.
I'm so glad you have your dad and that you will enjoy memories of your time with your dad for years to come.
You know what's unexpected to me? I lost my mom in January and do you know that I haven't missed her much at all? I mean, I am sorry that she had a sad life. I wish she could have been happier. But as far as actually missing her? Not one iota. I have a feeling you will experience the same thing.
I miss my dad. How I wish he was here right now - he loved the holidays. But I don't miss my mother at all, which for some reason I guess I just didn't expect. I don't feel guilty about that either and you shouldn't feel guilty about maintaining those healthy boundaries.
It's sad that your mom does seem to want to have a relationship with you - but she just simply does not know how to have a balanced, healthy relationship. So I think your mother has probably had a sad life emotionally and will always have one. But you can't fix this. You know it. You can't be what she thinks she needs and wants, because what she needs and wants is not healthy and you would rather be healthy.
Hang in there!
I don’t know if Theraflu and NyQuil have Tylenol in them, but if they both do, only take one because you’ll double dose on Tylenol and damage your liver.
Well, at least she knows you! She shouldn't be too surprised if she walks into your place.
Me, I have a fear that an old friend of the family, of my father, would ask to come live with me for a while as he moves from the north to the warmer south; he's 80+.
Why? What would he, what would anyone think to walk in and see the stuffed animal collection EVERYWHERE! (on two sofas, on the mantle, on the dresser, on the camphor chest, hanging off DVD shelves, on cabinet tops, atop the curio cabinets and floor screens, EVERYWHERE)
Oh, well, we all have odd habits (and frankly, his politics would be like being with the co worker who saw the ranch as a golden girls palace).........and I hope if he ever thinks about coming here, all my cats would take me off the list. He has allergies to pet dandruff.
SO-O, find something you have in your life, expound on it, so it scares her away......if that is possible with someone who knows you so well.
Haha, cold medicine always messes with my mind. Hey, if you want to try something that's almost but not quite fun, take Thera Flu and Nyquil at the same time and then go to sleep (that part won't be hard). Whenever I do that, I have the most amazing and entertaining dreams! I also rest really well, which I figure is good for a sick body. I can take these two together and doze on the sofa, thoroughly entertained in my sleep, for hours and hours...during the day even! Note - I never said I look pretty, and I tend to wake up with a sore throat because I've been mouth breathing, but at least I managed to wile away some hours that would otherwise be pretty miserable.
OK on to your mom. I agree with everything you wrote. As the daughter of a mother who was bipolar, and who refused any treatment or even counseling for it, and who considered therapists to be a ridiculous concept, I commend you for establishing and maintaining boundaries, which is what I had to do for decades. It was hard, and I had a mother who was at least a BIT cooperative, because she actually did want a relationship with me and I believe she loved me in her own messed up way. So she would sort of accommodate my boundaries, though she was always pushing on them. I learned to be very, very consistent about them. So I commend you on being consistent.
It's not easy being the child of someone with a mental health disorder.
I'm so glad you have your dad and that you will enjoy memories of your time with your dad for years to come.
You know what's unexpected to me? I lost my mom in January and do you know that I haven't missed her much at all? I mean, I am sorry that she had a sad life. I wish she could have been happier. But as far as actually missing her? Not one iota. I have a feeling you will experience the same thing.
I miss my dad. How I wish he was here right now - he loved the holidays. But I don't miss my mother at all, which for some reason I guess I just didn't expect. I don't feel guilty about that either and you shouldn't feel guilty about maintaining those healthy boundaries.
It's sad that your mom does seem to want to have a relationship with you - but she just simply does not know how to have a balanced, healthy relationship. So I think your mother has probably had a sad life emotionally and will always have one. But you can't fix this. You know it. You can't be what she thinks she needs and wants, because what she needs and wants is not healthy and you would rather be healthy.
Hang in there!
Theraflu and Nyquil - I'll check out the ingredients and see if it makes sense. I'm just in that post-cold phase where I cough all night long and my ribs hurt and I have no voice. The part that was freaking me out seems to have passed (I was experiencing pretty sharp pain from a localized area in my throat, and I was wondering if I'd ruptured something! Speaking of drama)
But with my mom - yeah, KA, I knew you would get it. I honestly don't care whether she does what she needs to to get back into my life. I'm really done. The only reason I have not blocked her or told her to stop contacting me is because she is way more invested in me than I am in her. She basically chipped away at whatever mother-child bond there was between us until it was gone, and I'm the only one who seems to know it. I keep the lines of communication open because I know if there's any "need" still remaining it's she who needs me, not the other way around. Plus the rest of my family would be upset if I dropped her completely. The ones who know the full story support me entirely, but I know they're happier if I'm giving my mother a path to rebuilding.
I'm glad your mother at least afforded you the respect of meeting you halfway, but I get what you mean about not missing her. It just becomes exhausting and nerve wracking after a while. I just took my dad back to his ALF for the night. We had a lovely Christmas evening. He was raving about the dinner - which was just a costco rotisserie chicken. And he loved the big Mohammed Ali book I got him - his favorite athlete ever. Things are so EASY between us, even with the dementia. We cuss at each other and bicker on any given day, but the stakes are low and we're half-laughing whenever we squabble. With my mother, any disagreement always felt like Armageddon meets Clash of the Titans. My happiness really depends on maintaining healthy boundaries, as you pointed out. And my mom doesn't get that at all.
I think her very being depends on her being right and admired and I just can't play along with that all the time. I'm not good at being entirely submissive to her version of reality, if that makes any sense. And it stresses me out to no end.
I don’t know if Theraflu and NyQuil have Tylenol in them, but if they both do, only take one because you’ll double dose on Tylenol and damage your liver.
One dose of Theraflu contains about 650 mg of acetaminophen. Same with Theraflu. I would definitely not take this combination more than once a day, which would be about 1300 mg. The max dose for adults to use safely is about 3000 mg of acetominaphen a day. Some sources say 4000 but personally I wouldn't risk that.
Theraflu and Nyquil - I'll check out the ingredients and see if it makes sense. I'm just in that post-cold phase where I cough all night long and my ribs hurt and I have no voice. The part that was freaking me out seems to have passed (I was experiencing pretty sharp pain from a localized area in my throat, and I was wondering if I'd ruptured something! Speaking of drama)
But with my mom - yeah, KA, I knew you would get it. I honestly don't care whether she does what she needs to to get back into my life. I'm really done. The only reason I have not blocked her or told her to stop contacting me is because she is way more invested in me than I am in her. She basically chipped away at whatever mother-child bond there was between us until it was gone, and I'm the only one who seems to know it. I keep the lines of communication open because I know if there's any "need" still remaining it's she who needs me, not the other way around. Plus the rest of my family would be upset if I dropped her completely. The ones who know the full story support me entirely, but I know they're happier if I'm giving my mother a path to rebuilding.
I'm glad your mother at least afforded you the respect of meeting you halfway, but I get what you mean about not missing her. It just becomes exhausting and nerve wracking after a while. I just took my dad back to his ALF for the night. We had a lovely Christmas evening. He was raving about the dinner - which was just a costco rotisserie chicken. And he loved the big Mohammed Ali book I got him - his favorite athlete ever. Things are so EASY between us, even with the dementia. We cuss at each other and bicker on any given day, but the stakes are low and we're half-laughing whenever we squabble. With my mother, any disagreement always felt like Armageddon meets Clash of the Titans. My happiness really depends on maintaining healthy boundaries, as you pointed out. And my mom doesn't get that at all.
I think her very being depends on her being right and admired and I just can't play along with that all the time. I'm not good at being entirely submissive to her version of reality, if that makes any sense. And it stresses me out to no end.
Hope you've had a lovely Christmas!
Awwwww, thank you! And I did have a lovely Christmas, but it was also a weird Christmas, with only my husband and me till later this afternoon when we had the pleasure of ONE adult kid visiting. We are really missing our grandkids this year. NEXT YEAR WE WILL NOT BE WITHOUT GRANDCHILDREN. LOL
And to add insult to injury, my husband is now driving back to work seven hours away, for the next two weeks. But hey, at least he didn't have to report for work this morning at 8 like one of our neighbors, so I'm grateful. But I'm also really sad right now. Melancholy. It's OK. I accept the melancholy as part of life and part of the holiday!
I totally get what you're saying about your mom - TOTALLY. And your dad. I am so so glad you are able to spend some quality time with him these days. What a blessing.
"Conquered my demons? Well, I thought I had, but dang, here you are popping up again . . ."
No advice here, but I think your sense of humor will see you through. And boundaries, strong barbed-wire boundaries. And your silly, fabulous dogs. You're doing great!!!
Merry Christmas to you and your dad!
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