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I have never been able to decide if I want them or not, and I'm positive my inability to say for sure has cost me some great chances to have kids. I just couldn't get myself to want them strong enough, including when I was in a relationship.
Wanting them:
- Lineage.
- I think I have decent-enough DNA.
- It's "the normal thing to do"/the stage of progression in life. I know I have missed out on creating some great memories that come with starting a family.
- I would probably be a good parent, or, at least, not an intentionally bad one. I had a good childhood and would render the same.
Not wanting them:
- Financial and legal entanglements of a significant other, and not the kids themselves, or the person, necessarily. Lots of messy paperwork if things go awry.
- Requires an extreme amount of trust if you want to do it right. And not trust alone, but all the other things that need to go right so that you don't have that scary "stuck" feeling. Zero guarantee in this day and age of anything.
- The social obligations are adverse to my inner peace. Little Johnny needs to go to hockey practice, but I just want to chill and listen to some music.
- I like creative/artistic things and child-rearing feels very rudimentary to me. I'm sure there is joy in it, don't get me wrong. I don't have kids, so I can't say.
- There is family guy Free-R and incredibly independent Free-R. Early on I wasn't sure which one would win, but it's about time to call the latter the victor, unfortunately.
Why I don't have them today:
tldr: my dating peak was during the raging Great Recession which destroyed my confidence and my chance with a "holy grail" girl (one I actually had a shot with, not one I made up in my head). Such a rare, once in a lifetime opportunity that I bungled because I couldn't get past myself during extremely stressful times. The fact that I couldn't pull it off continues to haunt me to this day, particularly because the lost time and opportunity is permanent. I should have two kids or so by now. If I had them now, I'm in old-dad territory and it wouldn't feel the same. That was the shot, and I blew it.
I have never been able to decide if I want them or not, and I'm positive my inability to say for sure has cost me some great chances to have kids. I just couldn't get myself to want them strong enough, including when I was in a relationship.
Wanting them:
- Lineage.
- I think I have decent-enough DNA.
- It's "the normal thing to do"/the stage of progression in life. I know I have missed out on creating some great memories that come with starting a family.
- I would probably be a good parent, or, at least, not an intentionally bad one. I had a good childhood and would render the same.
Not wanting them:
- Financial and legal entanglements of a significant other, and not the kids themselves, or the person, necessarily. Lots of messy paperwork if things go awry.
- Requires an extreme amount of trust if you want to do it right. And not trust alone, but all the other things that need to go right so that you don't have that scary "stuck" feeling. Zero guarantee in this day and age of anything.
- The social obligations are adverse to my inner peace. Little Johnny needs to go to hockey practice, but I just want to chill and listen to some music.
- I like creative/artistic things and child-rearing feels very rudimentary to me. I'm sure there is joy in it, don't get me wrong. I don't have kids, so I can't say.
- There is family guy Free-R and incredibly independent Free-R. Early on I wasn't sure which one would win, but it's about time to call the latter the victor, unfortunately.
Why I don't have them today:
tldr: my dating peak was during the raging Great Recession which destroyed my confidence and my chance with a "holy grail" girl (one I actually had a shot with, not one I made up in my head). Such a rare, once in a lifetime opportunity that I bungled because I couldn't get past myself during extremely stressful times. The fact that I couldn't pull it off continues to haunt me to this day, particularly because the lost time and opportunity is permanent. I should have two kids or so by now. If I had them now, I'm in old-dad territory and it wouldn't feel the same. That was the shot, and I blew it.
You are not alone. The recession is why I don't have kids. My ex-wife and I divorced during that time. I was so laser focused on getting my career back that I didn't focus on my marriage. She left and had 2 kids with a then so-called "friend". I'll never get over it. That was my window and it seems closed. I'm also probably much older than you. I hate that this is how my life turned out.
I have always wanted to be a Mom. I remember being asked in Kindergarten what I wanted to be when I grew up. All the other kids chose some career, a Mom was my answer.
Life didn't go as planned, married late, couldn't have kids. My husband and I moved heaven and earth and finally became parents through adoption. I have 2 teens now and couldn't be happier with how it all turned out.
You are not alone. The recession is why I don't have kids. My ex-wife and I divorced during that time. I was so laser focused on getting my career back that I didn't focus on my marriage. She left and had 2 kids with a then so-called "friend". I'll never get over it. That was my window and it seems closed. I'm also probably much older than you. I hate that this is how my life turned out.
I think you want kids more that I did/do. If it's merely about progeny, you can go out there and have them today if your standards in a mate aren't too high.
Good Lord, you could wait 10 years and not be "that old dad". Me, on the other hand...
One of my uncles had his older daughter at 44.
He's 64 now and divorced the daughters' mom. He's still paying her alimony. The older daughter just got through college and he's still financially supporting the younger daughter and her girlfriend.
Most kids aren't financially independent at 18, and many require some level of support into their 20s these days. Do you really want to be supporting a young adult well into your own retirement years?
You are not alone. The recession is why I don't have kids. My ex-wife and I divorced during that time. I was so laser focused on getting my career back that I didn't focus on my marriage. She left and had 2 kids with a then so-called "friend". I'll never get over it. That was my window and it seems closed. I'm also probably much older than you. I hate that this is how my life turned out.
I graduated at 24 (somewhat my fault) back in 2010 and didn't get my first "career track" job until I was 27, just a few weeks shy of 28. I work in IT. Many of my peers who had more "stable" career paths in fields like nursing or education already had their career track jobs and a couple of kids by then. Before that job, I was nowhere near financially stable enough to have children. Between 2010 and 2014, I was fired once and one place closed on short notice. Even at my current level of pay, mid $80k range with a possible bonus topping me up to about $90k in a low cost of living area, I wouldn't feel comfortable as a single earner with a wife and kids at home. It wouldn't be enough for the lifestyle that I think the kids should have. Yes, I know families making it on a lot less than what I make as a single earner, but I would want my kids to be able to travel and have a nice lifestyle.
The second thing is that I wouldn't want to raise kids in my local area. This area is stagnant without the white collar peer group that really moves the needle in terms of success. One city in the region has a good school system and would be a good place to raise a family as a white collar professional. The rest of the area has deteriorated from working to middle class to largely poor to working class. The same county schools that I attended have gone from decent to complete nonstarters. My hometown that was once chock full of businesses catering to the middle class now has low end businesses like pawn shops, "check cashing" outfits, payday lenders, title loan companies, and "buy here, pay here" car lots proliferating. I'm open to relocation, but I feel stuck right now because I make relatively good money at an easy job in a dirt cheap area with a cheap mortgage, very low taxes, and have plenty of discretionary income.
Lastly, I've just never felt the urge to reproduce. I have a nice lifestyle as it is and get to do what I want. My older cousin is a really skilled musician and toured all over the southeast when he was in his 20s. I don't think he would have made it extremely big, but he was able to make enough income between music and his day job to make it, not to mention the fun that came along with that. We had a lot of fun with music back in the day.
Today, he's 39 and married with two young kids, a religious wife who has on her Facebook profile description "embracing that it won't always be like this," working an $18/hr job in a smelly factory, lives in a small house on a rough side of town (that he also runs a Facebook meme page about), and spends his weekends on home repairs and Target runs. I don't want to be that guy.
He's 64 now and divorced the daughters' mom. He's still paying her alimony. The older daughter just got through college and he's still financially supporting the younger daughter and her girlfriend.
Most kids aren't financially independent at 18, and many require some level of support into their 20s these days. Do you really want to be supporting a young adult well into your own retirement years?
We were in our late 30's when our son was born (if I had a dollar for every time I heard the term "advanced maternal age" from the medical staff...). It's true, we'll be nearing or starting retirement (hopefully) around the time he becomes an adult. That's pretty far off right now though, so who knows what society will look like by then in terms of who is supporting whom (parents/child/government).
I will say this about being a parent later in life... I probably don't have as much physical energy as an average 20-something which is the usual critique, but then I personally wasn't in great shape in my 20's anyway, I'm much more active now. I also have more adult years behind me and I'm more self-assured and confident and life-experienced than when I was a younger adult, which I find advantageous as a parent (more comfortable actually being the authority figure). I'm also much better off financially and career-wise, so I have the means to provide him with opportunities that have a price tag. My 30's were a fantastic decade in my life. So I don't regret the timing.
Not sure I get this. Meaning boy or girl? Live or stillborn?
If you get married, you can get divorced. But you can’t divorce your children.
When you get married, you go through a get-to-know you period where you decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with that other person (even though you don’t actually have to spend the rest of your life with them.)
When you have children, you have zero idea what they are going to be like. They may be wonderful and bring great joy to your life. Or not so much. But, like I said you can’t divorce your children!
A close friend of mine — a beautiful, sensitive, intelligent woman — had not one, but two autistic children. One day she confided in me that her children had ruined her life and that she could rarely tell anyone that because it is not what you are supposed to say.
On the other hand, my sister has had a wonderful experience as a Mom and has zero regrets (well, except for the fact that childbirth left her with some pretty serious bowel issues and 18 years later she is still in pain on and off every day).
My wife and I spent 5 whole minutes discussing this very topic. We never discussed it before or after that fateful day.
We agreed to focus on “practicing” having kids and pass on actually having any kids. We we’re not confident that we could execute the huge responsibility successfully with all of the external forces that a child is exposed to these days. We have little confidence that we would not screw it up. These risks were not worth taking to us.
Generally, the more we see the less we like. I have no interest in bringing an innocent soul into this mixed up mess we’re all facing.
Having kids is fine if you have help. Raising kids as a single parent is a frightening thought for many of us. Children are almost a full time job.
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