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Knowing that it's MY choices to make, doesn't always mean I'll make the changes. My free will says "I can make changes if I want to...or I can choose not to." And I'm A-Okay with that. I just can't/don't want to live with the victim mentality anymore. Victim mentality means I'm stuck. Having a free will and making and owning my decisions means I can fly.
One of the things that I struggle with is the feeling that it's too late to really make the changes and that the bed I've made for myself is something I will always be forced to sleep in. Accepting responsibility is only half the battle. After doing so, you must be willing to make the effort to change and then actually follow through. That's the difficult part for me. Failure to actually change just causes the cycle to continue to repeat itself. If I start believing that the bed I've made for myself is something I'll always be forced to sleep in, my mind goes back to blaming my parents, my church, the car salesman, etc because I cannot accept that I ruined my own life.
One of the things that I struggle with is the feeling that it's too late to really make the changes and that the bed I've made for myself is something I will always be forced to sleep in. Accepting responsibility is only half the battle. After doing so, you must be willing to make the effort to change and then actually follow through. That's the difficult part for me. Failure to actually change just causes the cycle to continue to repeat itself. If I start believing that the bed I've made for myself is something I'll always be forced to sleep in, my mind goes back to blaming my parents, my church, the car salesman, etc because I cannot accept that I ruined my own life.
I would suggest that first, accept that what got you to THIS point in life, is decisions you made. Accept THAT first.
And you haven't ruined your whole life...any time you're above ground, you CAN make decisions to change your life.
I would suggest that first, accept that what got you to THIS point in life, is decisions you made. Accept THAT first.
And you haven't ruined your whole life...any time you're above ground, you CAN make decisions to change your life.
Whether you CHOOSE to do so, that's up to you.
I agree.
I also think the older you get it seems more difficult it is to change course. A big part of that however is we are creatures of habit and the longer a person spends allowing themselves to be at the mercy of circumstances and passing the blame for their problems onto everyone and everything, the scarier it is to break out of that pattern.
For me, I think my victim mentality goes back to my childhood. In late elementary school I was bullied pretty hard. In fact, those were the worst years of my childhood. However, subconsciously I learned that gaining sympathy, especially from my mother, was the only way I genuinely could feel loved and that my she was pleased with me. My dad was always critical and always negative no matter what and always ruined every moment that was supposed to be happy. I would always go to my mom for refuge. Part of it is also on my mom's side. I believe she has issues and subconsciously wants me to be struggling and unhappy so she can be the "hero." There's also the religious aspect of it and the fact that I always believed that my problems were either caused by the devil or the fact "the world" hated me for being Christian (I'm atheist now). In reality I brought a lot of it on myself. Not all of it, but a lot of it.
I would suggest that first, accept that what got you to THIS point in life, is decisions you made. Accept THAT first.
And you haven't ruined your whole life...any time you're above ground, you CAN make decisions to change your life.
Whether you CHOOSE to do so, that's up to you.
Bolded for truth.
And it is not an easy journey. I've been cleaning up my own mess for years and there have been times when I fell back and took certain steps backwards. But the only thing I could do is get up, learn from those pitfalls and continue to move forward.
And it is not an easy journey. I've been cleaning up my own mess for years and there have been times when I fell back and took certain steps backwards. But the only thing I could do is get up, learn from those pitfalls and continue to move forward.
I agree with this.
I've made a lot of positive changes in my own life lately, but like the original article says about people who play the victim, it's difficult for me to give myself credit for them. Over the past two years I've actually been in a relationship, I paid off my car, and I moved away from Oklahoma.
I've also had some setbacks. I returned to smoking marijuana in August for instance and am now working on giving that up again. I'm one month clean today. I love cannabis and long for the day when it is legal and destigmatized, but society isn't there yet and at this point, it has become a barrier to getting my life established in my new city. I was also demoted at my job back in November and that has been pretty demoralizing.
Last edited by bawac34618; 02-13-2020 at 05:12 PM..
My mom is a chronic victim. She was abused as a child by a bi=polar mother. Her extended family was aware and bent over backwards to care for her. I seriously think that she feels she didn't really deserved all that attention, she only got it because she was a victim. Her social anxiety and depression developed into full blown narcissistic personality disorder.
She was always harsh and critical with us, even as small children. We were supposed to know better than to do whatever it was she didn't want us to do. Shame was a big motivator for her. She never really has taken responsibility for her actions..>Everything is always caused by someone else. My father bore the brunt for many years...to outsiders she painted him as a controlling bully. He was meek as a kitten and always under her thumb. She still blames him for many things he wouldn't let her do. When he got Alzheimers, it got easier to blame him for day to day disorganization in addition to the other stuff. Thank god when he died she stopped out of some sort of perverted sense of respect, I think.
Now that he is gone, she finds other villains to blame for stuff. Sometimes it is me, sometimes my brother ,but never our oldest brother, for some reason. If she doesn't have a villain, she'll create one. So tiresome, I've distanced myself from her considerably.
After all these years, I have learned that most of the time, blaming others or finding a scapegoat is not important. Someone messes up, you find a solution and move on. Shaming or blaming people rarely leads to a positive outcome. In a lot of respects, watching her play the victim all these years forced me to grow up so I wouldn't be like her.
Even when I am truly victimized, I really have to struggle with myself to accept that not everything is my fault.
I stopped feeling like a victim a while after realizing that I WAS a victim. I grew up in what my parents always told me was a very privileged life. I knew that I had more opportunities than many of my relatives, and so did not question this. After I was evaluated by a shrink at age 4, my parents always told me how above average my intelligence was. I struggled A LOT though. I was socially awkward and constantly disorganized. I was stressed and unhappy through most of my childhood. And I didn't understand why.
One key turning point was the diagnosis of moderate to severe ADD at nearly 30 (though I suspected it for a couple years before that). My life rapidly improved after I understood what the problem was and could research it thoroughly. I had the information and understanding to improve my situation and didn't feel helpless anymore. I established routines, strategies and practices to order my life. My happiness and quality of life skyrocketed. It was shocking.
The other key turning point came at 40, when I realized my mother was an emotional abuser with a personality disorder. There was a very rough period around that time involving suicidal ideation, a severe Vitamin D deficiency, accepting my mother's rejection of my needs and boundaries, etc. It lasted several months. But then I kinda dived in and restructured my life (therapy helped), accepted who I was and just generally saw my happiness notch even higher as I walked away from the dead weight. And now I'm happier than I've ever been.
I didn't really play the victim publicly that much (I was probably a big complainer mainly), but I constantly FELT like I was victimized in a way because I didn't understand what was dragging me down. I had no context for it, and I just drifted through life wondering why normal tasks and milestones were so hard for me despite me having so many opportunities and advantages. Jeez, I must be some kind of loser, was my thought most of my life.
I feel like I can own my choices now because I know what was wrong and why I made those choices. I'm at peace with everything now. But it was hard to get to this point. I don't have much time for fools these days, but I'm a more thoughtful and generous person who prioritizes gratitude. I was a scattered mess for years, constantly wondering what was wrong with me and getting involved in toxic romantic and platonic relationships. The first stage was just accepting that I had a disability that should have been picked up when I was very young and the limitations that involved. The second stage was recognizing a toxic influence and setting boundaries around that and basically rethinking everything I had been brainwashed to believe from birth. It's been three years since stage 2 began, and I feel so free and light now.
So my thought about playing the victim and feeling victimized is you need to do a deep dive into your life to figure out if there's anything holding you back. If you feel like a "victim" you may very well be one. But then you have to address the issue for it to get any better. I have no excuses anymore, nor do I have that continual feeling of inadequacy. I can handle what gets thrown at me. My confidence is at an all time high and I feel so optimistic about my future. But I had to address the ways in which I was "victimized" first - my ADD of course, did not victimize me, but it was something out of my control until I had that diagnosis.
I stopped feeling like a victim a while after realizing that I WAS a victim. I grew up in what my parents always told me was a very privileged life. I knew that I had more opportunities than many of my relatives, and so did not question this. After I was evaluated by a shrink at age 4, my parents always told me how above average my intelligence was. I struggled A LOT though. I was socially awkward and constantly disorganized. I was stressed and unhappy through most of my childhood. And I didn't understand why.
One key turning point was the diagnosis of moderate to severe ADD at nearly 30 (though I suspected it for a couple years before that). My life rapidly improved after I understood what the problem was and could research it thoroughly. I had the information and understanding to improve my situation and didn't feel helpless anymore. I established routines, strategies and practices to order my life. My happiness and quality of life skyrocketed. It was shocking.
The other key turning point came at 40, when I realized my mother was an emotional abuser with a personality disorder. There was a very rough period around that time involving suicidal ideation, a severe Vitamin D deficiency, accepting my mother's rejection of my needs and boundaries, etc. It lasted several months. But then I kinda dived in and restructured my life (therapy helped), accepted who I was and just generally saw my happiness notch even higher as I walked away from the dead weight. And now I'm happier than I've ever been.
I didn't really play the victim publicly that much (I was probably a big complainer mainly), but I constantly FELT like I was victimized in a way because I didn't understand what was dragging me down. I had no context for it, and I just drifted through life wondering why normal tasks and milestones were so hard for me despite me having so many opportunities and advantages. Jeez, I must be some kind of loser, was my thought most of my life.
I feel like I can own my choices now because I know what was wrong and why I made those choices. I'm at peace with everything now. But it was hard to get to this point. I don't have much time for fools these days, but I'm a more thoughtful and generous person who prioritizes gratitude. I was a scattered mess for years, constantly wondering what was wrong with me and getting involved in toxic romantic and platonic relationships. The first stage was just accepting that I had a disability that should have been picked up when I was very young and the limitations that involved. The second stage was recognizing a toxic influence and setting boundaries around that and basically rethinking everything I had been brainwashed to believe from birth. It's been three years since stage 2 began, and I feel so free and light now.
So my thought about playing the victim and feeling victimized is you need to do a deep dive into your life to figure out if there's anything holding you back. If you feel like a "victim" you may very well be one. But then you have to address the issue for it to get any better. I have no excuses anymore, nor do I have that continual feeling of inadequacy. I can handle what gets thrown at me. My confidence is at an all time high and I feel so optimistic about my future. But I had to address the ways in which I was "victimized" first - my ADD of course, did not victimize me, but it was something out of my control until I had that diagnosis.
This sounds very similar to me but without the religious aspect. Even most of my platonic relationships have been toxic and with narcissists who ultimately ended up taking advantage of me. "A scattered mess" is definitely how I'd describe my adult life up until this point. Interesting that it ended up being ADD for you.
My parents told me I have aspergers syndrome but I don't believe that to be honest. I just don't enough of the symptoms and those I did have were primarily when I was under 10. I have social awkwardness but there are many other issues that can cause that other than aspergers. One of my biggest issues is I tend to get most of my self-worth from how others perceive me and I think a lot of that comes from my religious upbringing. I've thought about maybe borderline personality disorder or dissociative identity disorder. I need to just bite the bullet and see a psychiatrist so I can at least get diagnosed. Unfortunately I currently cannot afford therapy.
Glad to hear you have been able to work everything out and are optimistic now!
I stopped feeling like a victim a while after realizing that I WAS a victim.
Bingo. I came in to talk about this.
Just as we, the public, need education about victimization victims also need to learn about it. Many victims have no idea that they are. They are just using maladaptive survival skills they picked up that seemed to work for them during their victimization time. Sometimes those old habits become very stubbornly fixed. The reason is probably conditioning and the fact that they work so well with so many people.
It's an arduous process because it means giving up one's (false) sense of security. Very scary, I think.
First of all people need to learn they are victims before they can make any changes at all. It's surprising how many people don't even know they have been victimized. "I deserved it." "They didn't mean it." Etc.
It's hard for many to admit that someone has been victimizing them. So I'd like to give them a break for the first year of recovery or two. I'd like to think at that point they are claiming their victimization and they sure can wear you out with their stories and claims. But I think it's a necessary part of recovery - owning it. And they need affirmation for their new reality.
Then comes the Y in the road and hopefully lots of encouragement for them to refuse to accept a victim's role any more. Start to look at oneself as a survivor rather than a victim, learn healthier coping skills and build up that lost self-esteem.
It's those who take the wrong turn at the Y and don't make the painful leap to change who not only continue to think of themselves as victims but actually continue to be victims. But this time the victimization is of their own doing and gradually many of these poor souls deteriorate and self-destruct. Often in isolation.
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I know everyone has their own problems. Blaming others won't accomplish anything. Best to take the situation and examine it how to make it better for yourself.
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