A red flag? People who jump into one relationship to another

[mysticaltyger]

Originally Posted by thinkertinker

I am not being over involved. I just get tired when friends come crying to me and others when their relationship fails and you have to be supportive. One that you knew from the get go would never work out because they just jumped into it like they always do. It's annoying because you see how they are doing this to themselves and they don't learn. And then if you are not supportive of their heartbreak, you are not a being a good friend or empathetic.

For me it's more, "get your **** together and control of your life and emotions". One of my biggest pet peeves are people who don't learn from their mistakes and keep repeating it. This is a perfect example of that.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I notice eventually there's a split between people who basically have their act together and take responsibility for their lives and people who don't. For people who have kids, it usually happens in their 20s or 30s. For people who don't have kids, sometimes the separation takes longer--into their 40s.

So if you find yourself spinning in your head about this friend who keeps doing the same dysfunctional stuff over and over again, it's probably time to fade out this friendship and/or make stronger boundaries. Make yourself less available the next time they repeat the pattern and things fall apart. If they ask, you can nicely tell them why.

I wish someone had told me the above. I hung on to one friendship that wasn't worth it for way too long. The hard thing, sometimes, is that YOU want them to have a happy fulfilling life more than THEY want it for themselves.

[judd2401]

I wanted to comment again on some of the posts following mine. My colleague that I mentioned in my previous post is entrenched in a repeat pattern. I've accepted this and accept her for who she is, she's still a very intelligence, competent professional, it's just that her personal life is askew. I've seen this many times over my lifetime, some patterns are toxic and unacceptable and I terminate the relationship, other times, people try to give you their chaotic emotions and conflicts. They seek advice, reassurance, they want you to endorse their behavior as appropriate, they want to be rescued, they want a solution to a "bad" relationship, and you end up feeling bewildered from trying to support them, "fix" them, fight their battles for them and they go off feeling better. You end up feeling angry and frustrated. So at some point, when you want to remain friends, you get passive, become a listener but not a fixer, and that forces them to keep their own emotions and conflicts and they don't like that, they don't feel better, and they stop looking to you for a "fix". If they walk away from the friendship, so be it, if they remain friends, the relationship usually evolves to a different place that may be OK. If it's not OK, you drift away. My mother, may she RIP, used to always say to me as a child, "if you can take only 1 or 2 friends with you into old age, you're very lucky". I've learned that to be very true. Even blood relatives, spouses, children, etc., change over time and aren't always there for you as you age. Although it takes work to maintain relationships, sometimes it's just a crap shoot, and you just be who you are, and do the best you can. Nobody can ask anything more from you.

[Sonic_Spork]

judd2401, I'm not sure that it's always our job to fix someone who seems stuck in an unhappy or dysfunctional pattern. I don't think that every friend one has is looking to be fixed (which isn't realistic anyways, we can only fix ourselves.)

I like for my friends to simply listen, when I'm struggling with something, and offer support, encouragement, perhaps a bit of insight with no pressure. Not a fix, or set of directions to sort my problems. Sometimes, you never know when one phrase you utter, will sink down like a stone casting ripples into their mind and make sense of many confusing things.

But this whole serial-monogamy, "relationship jumping" thing... I see a few sides to it. People are very quick to just say it is dysfunctional. I think that getting too serious with someone when you don't know them well enough is, or when you're in rebound mode, sure. But I also see that when a break up happens, usually the one who is making it happen is ready for the relationship to be over, and very often the other person is not, and they are hurt. So in that situation, if you're the heartbroken one, and you see the other person get into a relationship faster than you do, then you might get upset about it...because YOU did not get time to grieve properly and get over it. But do your feelings truly give you the right to judge your former partner's choices? Who are you to say that they are moving too fast? Maybe they don't need to grieve or heal or recover because they've been processing the end of your connection for way longer than you know.

And frankly, I think that when the person who is hurt has a hard time finding someone new right away, or for a while, they get mad because they want their former partner to also be lonely, to also hurt. Or maybe have not accepted that it's truly over and they won't get them back, or perhaps even hope that the one who hurt them will have a change of heart and beg for another chance, so that they get a fair shot at rejecting them. I've seen ALL of these reactions to breakups before.

Obviously a pattern of unhappy or dysfunctional relationships is a problem. But I'm not sure that "letting the sheets cool" is really the main determining factor, or if the mechanisms of heartbreak just make it seem that way.

But ya know, when you are no longer involved with someone, no matter how much it feels otherwise, their dating choices are kinda none of your business. If they are making mistakes..well...maybe they need to make 'em.