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Wow we are living in parallel universes. I have a coworker that I have to deal with who I thought was my friend. Until I realized they are a an incredible narcissist. Read this I just found this the other day on the Internet. It totally describes my coworker and sounds like your friend also. Oh and by the way they're really not your friend because friends wouldn't do that to each other.
Gaslighting doesn't necessarily look the same for every narcissist, but overall when you are being gaslighted the narcissist is taking everything you bring up that hurts or bothers you and invalidating it immediately. They deny their actions, or claim that you misheard them or misunderstood. They blame you for being overly-sensitive or flip things around to make themselves come out like the victim, trying to make you feel bad for standing up for yourself or speaking out about something. They will tell you that you're impossible to please or that they have to walk on eggshells around you when in fact they are the ones hurting you … very knowingly. It's crazy making behavior. Everything you say is either taken out of context or denied entirely. You will be told it's all in your head. Or you will be blamed for the same actions that the narcissist is actually committing (projection). You will go around and around in circular and emotionally exhausting conversations that will take you so far away from the actual topic at hand that it's discombobulating. They will often compare you to others, saying things like “no one else feels the way you do.” Or “none of my other friends think / feel like you. Why can't you be like them?” Everything is an attempt to try and reshape your reality into their lie. It's pretty disgusting. And deeply manipulative.
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What you said in bold is what happened in the conversation. She told me that I am just different that the way she interacts with her other friends and family the behavior is accepted, and that perhaps I am just too sensitive to her style of communication. Just some background on that one, basically that came up because she constantly texts me selfies posing like a model, but never every says "Hello how you doing?". So when I ignore the selfies she texts me and starts to say "It feels like you are ignoring me, you are being different." I brought up that example because we had not spoken since the pandemic's shelter-in-place started, so after a month of us not communicating during this crisis, instead of asking me how I am doing, or how my family is doing during the pandemic, she just sends me a selfie of herself posing and winking, and nothing else, meaning she doesn't give two ****s how I am doing. I ignored it, which made her react and led to the conversation we had this past weekend.
What you said in bold is what happened in the conversation. She told me that I am just different that the way she interacts with her other friends and family the behavior is accepted, and that perhaps I am just too sensitive to her style of communication. Just some background on that one, basically that came up because she constantly texts me selfies posing like a model, but never every says "Hello how you doing?". So when I ignore the selfies she texts me and starts to say "It feels like you are ignoring me, you are being different." I brought up that example because we had not spoken since the pandemic's shelter-in-place started, so after a month of us not communicating during this crisis, instead of asking me how I am doing, or how my family is doing during the pandemic, she just sends me a selfie of herself posing and winking, and nothing else, meaning she doesn't give two ****s how I am doing. I ignored it, which made her react and led to the conversation we had this past weekend.
Exactly! she wants to keep the communication open so she can continue to abuse you. Why would she do that?!? you might think. Well it is simply because she is not right in the head, and it's not worth your time trying to figure her out. Just keep her at arms distance only communicate when you have to.
This is exactly like my relationship with my sister-in-law (minus the selfies). Our husbands are brothers and our kids are the same ages so we should have a good bit in common but our relationship is so unbalanced that it can't be considered a friendship. I reach out by phone or text and she ignores most of my outreach (Happy Easter!...) Then after 3 or 4 texts or calls, she will randomly answer the phone or respond to the text. When we talk, it is 100% about her and her family. She never asks about our kids, my husband, my parents... The only question she ever asks is to find out what we got for Christmas from our shared in-laws so she can compare.
I contemplate just never reaching out because I'm tired of carrying the team on this "relationship", but I feel like there is some family obligation that I should uphold, so as long as I don't let it get to me, I keep up this intermittent connection.
I love the Grey Rock concept. I hadn't heard of that. It's pretty much how I handle her, but I like the visual reminder.
No matter how correct, no matter how right, no matter how hurt you are, you will never ever ever win against the narcissist. Ever! It's just not worth your time. And the sad thing is you probably like the person so it makes it hard to distance yourself. The best method is to do as was described above. Become the gray rock just the facts just the basic answers do not I repeat do not give away any personal information because they just take that information to use against you at a later date. Good luck
So true.
But you also should just cut it off, unless this is someone you're related to and it would be too complicated or you had a child with, you just end it. So there is no later date....dating over...LOL.
In this case it is a friend, sometimes you just have to do a downsizing.
But you also should just cut it off, unless this is someone you're related to and it would be too complicated or you had a child with, you just end it. So there is no later date....dating over...LOL.
In this case it is a friend, sometimes you just have to do a downsizing.
Yeah, my focus is to phase her out completely. I knew if I cut her off completely it would be drama. So I hoped that phasing it out would be less drama. But she noticed and wanted to talk about it, which I think is a fair request, narcissist or not. It also gave me a glimmer of hope. But we talked and I see it's pointless. Now I don't feel bad about cutting it off.
Yeah, my focus is to phase her out completely. I knew if I cut her off completely it would be drama. So I hoped that phasing it out would be less drama. But she noticed and wanted to talk about it, which I think is a fair request, narcissist or not. It also gave me a glimmer of hope. But we talked and I see it's pointless. Now I don't feel bad about cutting it off.
It is sometimes the best way to do that. You're right if you try and tell them why you're doing it, they explode.
There is no point to try and reason with them, I will say they're very good and turning it around on you.
I had a similar situation(many on here do), I let it go on too long, finally realized to just cut it off.
I feel bad for people who are related to one, and they can't just go no contact due to other family members. It will take awhile, but you feel so much better once this isn't part of your life.
I have a friend and she is a textbook narcissist. I started to realize this about her six months ago after realizing how she lacks empathy, makes everything about her, and she constantly shames or puts other people down to boost her ego. In the beginning I tried to make her see what she was doing by having a few discussions, but she just didn't get it. It was like she was blind to her own behavior. Basically it was everyone else at fault not her. Her behavior is always self-serving with me and another friend. That other friend has also discussed the challenges with her to me. Their friendship is also going through some huge problems. The narc friend is also a consistent liar where I have caught her in the act of lying several times.
After realizing that with even trying to talk to her about her behavior, every time it was a failed attempt and we would never get anywhere, I decided to slowly phase out the friendship. She took notice. In the past couple of months she texted me saying she felt I was being different with her. I tried to dismiss it telling her I was just busy. After weeks of not talking she reached out to me last week and said to me that she felt something was off, we don't talk anymore and she would like to talk. So I thought to myself that is a fair request, and maybe it's only fair that she needs to know why I have backed off. Who knows, maybe there would be a breakthrough. In a way I had some hope. Was I ever wrong.
We facetimed yesterday, and I told her that my challenges with her is that it feels like every interaction we have is a self-serving action from her and there is no balance in the friendship. I gave her a few examples of her behavior that was bothering me and a prime example of this. While the conversation was calm, she started to turn it around on me, positioning it so that is more me that is the issue and absolving herself from her behavior. Basically she told me that my perception is off, that I am just looking to build a narrative about her where there isn't one, and that she was just trying to be thoughtful of me and adjusting to my needs. Nothing really added up to what I was telling her is the issue. After she basically turned it all around on me, she then apologized. I was bewildered. I don't even know what she was apologizing for since she didn't own up to anything? She then repeatedly told me how I am in her "Top 5 friends" and that I am part of her inner circle and that she loves so much. But love bombing doesn't work on me....
Before going into the discussion I remember telling myself, she is not going to get it, it's not going to get us anywhere. But there was a glimmer of hope, because she is the one that reached out saying that we don't talk anymore so I thought maybe there was a chance, a chance she was actually starting take a step back from her ego and want to discuss the topic at hand.
But this was a lesson of how a narcissist, it's not even worth trying to fix or discuss things. Wasted energy.
Cheer up, you made the Top 5 Friends list!! Think of how many billions of people in the world didn't even make the list.
My sister has vascular dementia, and I do grey rock with her when she’s not doing well that day. She’s become a little narcissistic due to the dementia. And you never know which sister you’re going to get. So I have to modify my behavior.
The only difference here is I love my sister, my sister loves me, and she can’t help it. I know just to not get hurt by what she’s doing because if she was in her right mind she wouldn’t be doing that.
As an example, I’m trying to move back home to be with family, and she is insisting that I use her insurance company. And I’m going to use her insurance company. Because I use it here and I like it. But it’s not enough that I simply use her insurance company, I have to use it for the reason she uses it, which is because she really really really hates the other insurance company. For reasons that are kind of stupid. And wrong. She’s confabulated a scenario in her head that is now gospel. There’s like a 15 minute routine on it. And once she starts she’s got to run it out.
When she calls me on the phone I make sure I pick something up and start doing it because if she is in one of those states I’m going to hear those five stories again.
Yeah, my focus is to phase her out completely. I knew if I cut her off completely it would be drama. So I hoped that phasing it out would be less drama. But she noticed and wanted to talk about it, which I think is a fair request, narcissist or not. It also gave me a glimmer of hope. But we talked and I see it's pointless. Now I don't feel bad about cutting it off.
Nor should you. Life is short, you have only so much time and so much energy within that time. You deserve to seek happiness and fulfillment during that time. You choose what makes you happy and what fulfills you, not others.
Cheer up, you made the Top 5 Friends list!! Think of how many billions of people in the world didn't even make the list.
SS
Funny thing is that a couple of months ago when I last saw her, she had noticed that I was distant from her, and she had asked me "your top 5 friends, who are they?" Which I knew exactly what she was trying to do, she wanted me to include her in my top 5. I basically told her that I don't rank anybody in my life, I have no time for that.
When she told me I was her Top 5 I didn't react like at all, then she said it again and I said nothing. Then she said she loved me and that I am one of her dearest friends.
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Solly says — Be nice!
