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I'm an adult living on my own now, but I really want to vent, and then get some input on my feelings towards my family.
I've been a "troubled" child for most of my life; A loner, emotionally inept, a bit of a trouble maker, no self esteem. A few years after finishing college, I got a job that payed far more than I thought I deserved, and enjoyed my work. But despite this, I started becoming increasingly depressed and started having some very morbid thoughts. I just started feeling so ashamed of everything I had ever done in my life. I even stopped talking to all my friends and family, claiming I was busy with work or something. This is when I started to suspect that I have some deeply-rooted psychological issues. So, after some research, and reading a book on CPTSD, I've started tracing my personality defects back to my abusive dad (really my stepdad since 3 yo).
I was terrified of my dad because he yelled at me so much. And when I say yell, I mean full volume. But I had always assumed that I deserved it for being such a constant disappointment to him. It wasn't until much later, that I would realized that this man would never have been happy, no matter what I did.
My dad did not love me at all. I don't think he was even capable of feeling love. I was nothing but a huge burden on his life. When I tried to play with him, as a small child, he would usually yell at me for annoying him. One day, he even slapped me in the face to get me to go away. I was so devistated that I completely stopped trying to bond with him at all after that. And everything wend downhill from there. Over the years he shamed most of my friends away, or banned me from seeing them. He shamed me out of all of my hobbies, telling me they were a stupid waste of time. Every single thing I did mad him mad. And he made sure that I never forgot how stupid and worthless I was. Even if I just wanted to pet my cat in silence, he would start talking about how much he hated that cat. He never even went to a single birthday party "because of the way I've been acting". I could type endless pages of things he did to me, but the point is, this man made sure that I was stripped of everything that brought me any kind of joy, or any sense of self esteem. And this was my entire childhood, until he divorced my mom and left us when I was around 18. I moved out shortly after, and have lived alone ever since (about 10 years).
My mom also received similar treatment and even made an attempt to kill herself before. I know she was also afraid and loved me very much, but I just can't believe that she allowed this to continue for so long. And the rest of my family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.), why did none of them even attempt to help me? Did they not care? Could they really have not noticed over all these years?
As I remember more and more about how I was treated, my view of all these people, who I thought cared about me, is really starting to change. I hate my dad more than anyone in the world, and I'm starting to resent my mom for not leaving him, and even all of these people who I thought of as family who didn't lift a finger to help me when I needed it the most. But I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and trying to place blame on people who don't deserve it. Am I overreacting? I could really use some guidance these days.
Last edited by AlexIthymic; 04-26-2020 at 11:54 PM..
I'm an adult living on my own now, but I really want to vent, and then get some input on my feelings towards my family.
I've been a "troubled" child for most of my life; A loner, emotionally inept, a bit of a trouble maker, no self esteem. A few years after finishing college, I got a job that payed far more than I thought I deserved, and enjoyed my work. But despite this, I started becoming increasingly depressed and started having some very morbid thoughts. I just started feeling so ashamed of everything I had ever done in my life. I even stopped talking to all my friends and family, claiming I was busy with work or something. This is when I started to suspect that I have some deeply-rooted psychological issues. So, after some research, and reading a book on CPTSD, I've started tracing my personality defects back to my abusive dad (really my stepdad since 3 yo).
I was terrified of my dad because he yelled at me so much. And when I say yell, I mean full volume. But I had always assumed that I deserved it for being such a constant disappointment to him. It wasn't until much later, that I would realized that this man would never have been happy, no matter what I did.
My dad did not love me at all. I don't think he was even capable of feeling love. I was nothing but a huge burden on his life. When I tried to play with him, as a small child, he would usually yell at me for annoying him. One day, he even slapped me in the face to get me to go away. I was so devistated that I completely stopped trying to bond with him at all after that. And everything wend downhill from there. Over the years he shamed most of my friends away, or banned me from seeing them. He shamed me out of all of my hobbies, telling me they were a stupid waste of time. Every single thing I did mad him mad. And he made sure that I never forgot how stupid and worthless I was. Even if I just wanted to pet my cat in silence, he would start talking about how much he hated that cat. He never even went to a single birthday party "because of the way I've been acting". I could type endless pages of things he did to me, but the point is, this man made sure that I was stripped of everything that brought me any kind of joy, or any sense of self esteem. And this was my entire childhood, until he divorced my mom and left us when I was around 18. I moved out shortly after, and have lived alone ever since (about 10 years).
My mom also received similar treatment and even made an attempt to kill herself before. I know she was also afraid and loved me very much, but I just can't believe that she allowed this to continue for so long. And the rest of my family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.), why did none of them even attempt to help me? Did they not care? Could they really have not noticed over all these years?
As I remember more and more about how I was treated, my view of all these people, who I thought cared about me, is really starting to change. I hate my dad more than anyone in the world, and I'm starting to resent my mom for not leaving him, and even all of these people who I thought of as family who didn't lift a finger to help me when I needed it the most. But I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and trying to place blame on people who don't deserve it. Am I overreacting? I could really use some guidance these days.
You aren't overreacting.
You're just applying adult perspective to a thought process that you formed as a child.
We don't get to pick our parents. That's just the way it is. So we sometimes have to do the work as adults of advocating for that little kid within us when no one else would. THAT is what you're doing now.
It's ok to feel anger, sadness and confusion over what you went through. But now is the time to start looking for tangible ways to help yourself move past that old soundtrack playing in your head, that voice of your stepdad, and find the healthy part of you.
What happened to your birth dad? Is your mom still alive? Therapy can help you reform your relationship with her. After you've learned some coping skills and discussion techniques in therapy, you may be able to talk to her in a productive way about this guy and reconcile the negative feelings you have toward her. If her guilt and the pain of that are too much for her, though, she may not be able to talk about it at all. You'll have to accept that.
I'm sorry that was your experience. It's not fair, but you can salvage this.
You're just applying adult perspective to a thought process that you formed as a child.
We don't get to pick our parents. That's just the way it is. So we sometimes have to do the work as adults of advocating for that little kid within us when no one else would. THAT is what you're doing now.
It's ok to feel anger, sadness and confusion over what you went through. But now is the time to start looking for tangible ways to help yourself move past that old soundtrack playing in your head, that voice of your stepdad, and find the healthy part of you.
Thanks. I started feeling relief when I realized that I wasn't as bad a child as I always thought I was. But over the past few days, I've just been so shocked as a remember more and more about my childhood, and just how bad the situation actually was. I'm starting to think that reading a book may not be sufficient, and that I might end up needing to see a therapist.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
What happened to your birth dad?
I never made contact after my mom left him, but I heard he eventually died of a drug overdose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
Is your mom still alive? Therapy can help you reform your relationship with her. After you've learned some coping skills and discussion techniques in therapy, you may be able to talk to her in a productive way about this guy and reconcile the negative feelings you have toward her. If her guilt and the pain of that are too much for her, though, she may not be able to talk about it at all. You'll have to accept that.
Yes, she's still alive. She would be willing to talk about it, but she has some issues of her own. I'm afraid that if I told her what I feel right now, she might try to kill herself again. Her first suicide attempt came after I treated her like dirt one day, so I don't think I could handle the guilt right now if she tried again because of something I said.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
I'm sorry that was your experience. It's not fair, but you can salvage this.
Thank you. I'm really trying to sort out this mess in my head. I've even considered breaking contact with my family permanently, but I'm afraid of what my mom would do if that happened.
OP, your other extended family members didn't reach out to you, probably either because they didn't know what was going on or how bad it was, or they may have been intimidated by your dad. Also, for a long time, people believed they shouldn't interfere in their relatives' family matters, even to the minor extent of reaching out to a child, to let him/her spend occasional weekends with them, or to go on a weekend outing from time to time, or whatever, to experience a normal family environment. Also, you don't know if your step-dad would have allowed that. And you also don't know, if the rest of the family had problems of their own. There are many unknowns, here.
Please get help in dealing with this. It's way too big for you to handle alone. Take a look at your health insurance plan's policy for mental health care, to see what type of therapists they'll pay for (for ex., some only cover those with PhD's in psychotherapy, or the like), then start looking up practitioners in your city that fit the bill. Read the info on their websites, regarding how they practice, and what kinds of conditions they address. You can learn a lot just from doing that. You want to find the ones, that address issues stemming from abuse in the family, trauma (since you mentioned CPTSD), and PTSD, and who will help you sort out and understand your experience, and then help you learn coping skills, social skills, self-respect skills, all kinds of things you missed out on, due to your family situation.
And btw, unresolved childhood trauma tends to cause depression in adulthood. So from that perspective, what you're experiencing is 'normal" for someone with your childhood experience. And it can be resolved, and that can be achieved without meds. Avoid therapists who just throw meds at a problem. If, at some point, your mood worsens, you may benefit from some kind of med, but its use should be only temporary. A good therapist can (and should have the long-term goal to) eventually get you to joy. Yes, OP, joy is possible!
You took an important step today, by joining this forum, and reaching out for help. Good job! Now continue on your new path of rescuing that emotionally battered child within, and check out your options for therapy. We're here for you, as you embark upon that journey.
P.S. Congrats on landing a great job that you enjoy, with great pay! Count your blessings! You see, you really are capable, and your employer clearly values you. Take in that positive affirmation like a breath of fresh air. You are a worthy human being. And clearly, you did a good job of choosing a field in college with good employability prospects, and you did well enough in your studies to land this job. Allow yourself a pat on the back for all of that.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-27-2020 at 09:31 AM..
Sounds like your mother has mental health issues of her own. She was probably unable to help you. See a therapist. You can't change the past, but you can work to overcome it and have a better future.
My mother (birth mother, the only one I ever had) was emotionally abusive.
When you're a kid, you accept what your parents say and do as normal because you don't have the life experience to know there are other ways to do things.
I used to think that loving mothers were something made up for movies.
You're right in not having contact with your stepfather. Being around him would be unhealthy. But your mother was also to blame; she should have defended you and helped build your self esteem.
You can't change other people, so you need to work on the way you feel about yourself.
Books might work for you, maybe talk therapy would be better; it depends on the way YOU learn and assimilate information. It may take some experimentation to find the right book or right therapist for you, one that approaches issues in a way you can use.
It's never too late to start, but the sooner the better.
Best of luck!
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