Knowing when caution crosses the line into paranoia (argumentative, people, husband)
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I really appreciate everyone's input so far. I am taking all of these suggestions seriously. Sometimes you just need an objective opinion from someone who's on the outside looking in.
I just had a conversation with my husband. I told him that I knew we weren't exactly on the same page with respect to the virus, but that I was kind of frustrated. I expressed that I knew that even if I felt safe starting to reintegrate into society (and while I don't quite yet, I am getting closer), I didn't want to put myself in a position where I could potentially expose him to a life-threatening disease. I also brought up his tendency to be passive-aggressive at times, and that he has come pretty close to admitting that his wanting to "make a statement" to everyone who isn't taking this whole thing seriously was a passive-aggressive move. He admitted that I'm right about that, and that he does tend to do this from time to time.
I then told him that I wanted to make him a proposal. I would absolutely promise him that I would be 100% supportive of his desire that both of us keep social distancing longer than I would do otherwise, provided he would promise me in return that he would not take any precautions that were based on a need to "make a statement." He agreed to that, so we'll see how it goes over the next couple of months.
The bottom line for me is quality of life. Am I content with the life style I am choosing?
It's got to be more than that, though. If I were living alone, I wouldn't need to be quite as careful as I feel I need to be, living with someone for whom the risk is greater. Right now, for me, my quality of life really kind of sucks. Being a widow would suck a lot more, though.
OP, I wouldn't call this paranoia. I don't even think it's inappropriate to be cautious about jumping back in to things getting back to normal. A lot of people, even those whom I wouldn't describe as "fearful", are choosing not to rush right out to get a sit-down restaurant meal, or to have gatherings at home. Your husband has good reason to be cautious.
I thing a wait-and-see policy is prudent for people in his shoes, at this time. Let's wait and see what happens with the count of new cases, a month after the new back-to-normal policy is in place. Let everyone else, who's eager to rush out there, be the guinea pigs, while we sit back and wait for the official reports. I think that's "prudent" as another poster on another thread put it today, especially in your hubby's case.
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by adjusterjack
No, not paranoia.
Leave him be and let him take the precautions he sees fit.
I agree.
I am much younger and have not left my apartment except for daily walks and essential doctor visits in almost three months. I do not think that i am paranoid, just an appropriate amount of cautious considering my health issues. With ordering essentials online, buying groceries on line, free home delivery of medications from Walgreens, plus a telephone, computer and Skype to talk with friends, relatives and grandkids. I am doing fine.
I have seen Facebook posts by some of my extended relatives and friends/acquaintances showing them having large Memorial Day neighborhood picnics or camping with a dozen of their friends or holding Easter dinner with 15 people (including elderly grandparents) and am disappointed that they are not following the social distancing rules in our/their state. I hope that they stay healthy, but i am not rushing back to engaging in similar behavior.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-31-2020 at 12:58 PM..
It's got to be more than that, though. If I were living alone, I wouldn't need to be quite as careful as I feel I need to be, living with someone for whom the risk is greater. Right now, for me, my quality of life really kind of sucks. Being a widow would suck a lot more, though.
I agree. I have been married for fifty-three years now and my problem is opposite yours. DH, in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, forgets there is a pandemic. While I am taking all the required precautions he is gone many times a day and there is no way of knowing how closely he is dealing with it or even aware.
Managing his life for him is an impossibility. I do my best to keep him in reality and do understand that it won't be getting better. Trying to control his comings and goings would require the police force and his neurologist. LOL
So I'm well aware of the complications of monitoring my own quality of life while being committed to another person. It's always been high on my list to stay content in spite of what else is going on because I know I have no control over other peoples' behavior or thoughts or any outside events.
It require compromises, adjustments in the way I think about things and lots of dedication but you know the saying, "Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"
Too late. This thread was temporarily closed for cleanup, and political commentary has been deleted. People, please save your political comments for the Politics forum. Thank you.
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I hope I can keep this reasonably short. Brevity has never been my strong suit.
I am a 71-year-old woman, in good health. My husband will be 78 in July. We have both been retired for 10 years. My hubby is in decent health, but does have a few underlying conditions. He is maybe 10 pounds overweight. He has type 2 diabetes (diagnosed about 4 years ago), which I'd describe as reasonably well-controlled. He does take insulin, generally two units, probably about two out of every three days. His sugars seldom reach 200 and are often under 120. So far he has had no other issues related to the illness. He has a pacemaker. It was implanted in 2009, along with a couple of stints. He sees his doctors regularly and follows their advice with regards to his health. He has also used a CPAP machine for years. He is moderately active and enjoys fishing, golfing and doing projects around the house and yard.
Since the Covid-19 breakout, he has been almost paranoid about going out. We do walk the dogs, and don't wear masks when we do because we are able to stay far more than just 6 feet away from anyone we may encounter as we're walking. We occasionally go to pick up take-out for lunch, but I do 100% of the grocery shopping, as well as run any other essential errands. We have not seen friends for nearly three months. He has not gone fishing or golfing since the pandemic broke out. We just had to cancel a vacation we had planned to Italy to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary in June. Except when walking the dogs, we both wear masks everywhere we go. Mod cut: Political comment.
As things as starting to ease up and restaurants, etc. are starting to re-open, though, I feel as if my husband's erring on the side of caution is starting to become a full-blown phobia. For instance, when a neighbor brought a treat over for me on Mother's Day, he answered the door and told the neighbor to set the treat on the porch and we'd bring it in in a few days, because he didn't want to risk picking up the virus. He's an amazing, wonderful man, but does have some passive-aggressive tendencies. He once admitted to me that at least part of the reason he's been so exaggeratedly cautious is "to make a statement." The two of us have been volunteering down at the Salt Lake Metro Jail for about a year and a half, teaching Sunday School classes for the inmates. We both really enjoy it. All outside services were shut down at the jail in early March, though, so we haven't been back yet. Once they do open, I'd be excited to go back, but he says he'd be concerned enough not to go. I had wanted to have a family gathering (about a dozen people) out on our large deck towards the end of July, but he's really hesitant. Friends have invited us to go out to dinner with them, but I've declined because of how I know he'd react. Our lives -- like everyone else's, I guess -- have really changed over the past few months.
I'm okay with the whole social distancing thing, and I feel as if we've really done everything we could to stay safe. I'm just starting to be afraid that the new normal for us is going to be being hermits for the rest of our lives. I don't want to risk exposing him, but I don't see his attitude as ever changing. Is anyone else going through this with a loved one? How do we handle this huge discrepancy in how we want to deal with this going forward? If I pushed too hard and he were to get sick, he could die. Obviously, his health is my number one concern, but I don't feel as if I can continue to live like a hermit forever, and I'm seriously afraid that's where we're headed.
See... I knew I couldn't be brief.
Interesting, teaching sunday school but not having reconciled ones own mortality.
I'm rather high risk but I refuse to live in fear.
OP, I think that was a great compromise you struck with your husband!
I can understand both of your reactions to this surreal experience we're all trying to deal with.
I'm 65 and while I'm in good health, right from the beginning of the coronavirus concerns, I found my anxiety increasing. I was the first of anyone I know to buy a mask, and starting slowly buying extra food and household supplies back in February. I live by myself (well -- no other humans, anyway!) and being an introvert by nature, I didn't really notice how much of a change it was not to go out at all, as I was having groceries delivered and working from home. I noticed that when I did venture out a few times, my anxiety about being anywhere close to anyone else, even with masks on, was pretty high. I was leaving Amazon deliveries on the back deck for three days, disinfecting grocery packaging, the whole nine yards.
But this past weekend, a family emergency created a situation in which I found myself in an outdoor setting sharing a meal with four old, dear friends. We were all careful about maintaining distance between us, talking some about coronavirus but even more in the ways old friends do - catching each other up to date, sharing memories, and laughing a lot. I noticed that I began to relax in their presence, and since then I've been less preoccupied with planning my days to avoid any chance of infection, and more about how to live my life while minimizing risk to the extent that I can.
Anxiety is one of the damnedest things: Our survival instincts drive us to avoid things that we fear, temporarily reducing anxiety, yet over the long haul, continued avoidance actually increases anxiety. Graded, reasonable exposures to feared situations can make a big difference by helping our reptilian brains be less reactive and to step aside to let the planful, problem-solving parts of our brains do their thing.
Maybe your husband would be interested at some point in some very safe ways of re-engaging with a few trusted friends or family, when he's ready. It could help!
Last edited by CarolinaMoon1; 05-31-2020 at 11:12 PM..
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This thread was temporarily closed for cleanup, and political commentary has been deleted. People, please save your political comments for the Politics forum. Thank you.
