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My problem is more with society's expectations in general, rather than my wife in particular.
The bottom line there is that if you and your wife have an arrangement that works for both of you, it doesn't matter what society expects, and you don't owe anyone an explanation.
Eh....people should do what they CAN do. If it requires a certain expertise or strength or finesse (e.g., rewiring a light or hemming a pair of pants) obviously the person with the skill needs to do it.
If it is something literally anyone can do with 5 minutes of instruction then either person can do it, regardless of whether someone thinks it is "gendered" or not. Unless you're sick, most anyone can clear snow off a sidewalk or can at least help. Everyone should be able to do "standard" laundry (not talkin' silk here!).
My ex-hub wanted "credit" for doing the stuff he knew how to do that I didn't (computer hardware stuff, hooking up tv/video, etc.) but I got no credit at all for all the other "dumb" stuff I did since "anyone could do it". Except him apparently since he was reserving his effort for the mentally tough stuff. So like 2-3 very sporadic tasks for him and a dozen daily/weekly tasks for me. THAT did not fly.
I firmly believe that if spouses NEED each other and know their roles, they take more effort in a relationship to make it work. That's why countries with gender roles have lower divorce rates. If you don't create a nice home, a good meal and look nice for him, he is missing out on less if he is no longer with you and will take that under consideration next time you have a disagreement over something stupid.
If the woman no longer cooks and the man no longer fixes a window, and stop appreciating what they do for each other, it is much easier to part ways.
Yes, I have noticed that my partners usually want to be praised alot for the little things they do here and there while I just do it. But so what? It doesn't cost me a thing to repeatedly tell him he's the greatest and making him feel great will in turn benefit myself, too. However, if he says "anyone could do what you do", he deserves to be your ex.
I cook for my bf and he is excited every time about the meals I create and he let's me know. This in turn makes me excited to keep cooking for him. He just fixed a gate at my house and I praised the crap out of him, saving me $$$ and he was happy that I am happy. Little things like that matter in the big picture.
Maybe that point of view is a bit too German for you guys but this is how I grew up and what I have been taught.
The bottom line there is that if you and your wife have an arrangement that works for both of you, it doesn't matter what society expects, and you don't owe anyone an explanation.
I firmly believe that if spouses NEED each other and know their roles, they take more effort in a relationship to make it work. That's why countries with gender roles have lower divorce rates. If you don't create a nice home, a good meal and look nice for him, he is missing out on less if he is no longer with you and will take that under consideration next time you have a disagreement over something stupid.
If the woman no longer cooks and the man no longer fixes a window, and stop appreciating what they do for each other, it is much easier to part ways.
Yes, I have noticed that my partners usually want to be praised alot for the little things they do here and there while I just do it. But so what? It doesn't cost me a thing to repeatedly tell him he's the greatest and making him feel great will in turn benefit myself, too. However, if he says "anyone could do what you do", he deserves to be your ex.
I cook for my bf and he is excited every time about the meals I create and he let's me know. This in turn makes me excited to keep cooking for him. He just fixed a gate at my house and I praised the crap out of him, saving me $$$ and he was happy that I am happy. Little things like that matter in the big picture.
Maybe that point of view is a bit too German for you guys but this is how I grew up and what I have been taught.
Countries with gender roles often have lower divorce rates because one side often feels like divorce is not feasible if they have no practical job skills. That doesn’t mean that divorce wouldn’t be beneficial for all involved. Just because a couple is still married doesn’t mean it is a *good* marriage.
The roles involved need to be determined by the couple, not by society. If one couple decides that a man should stay home and the woman should go to work, then that is fantastic. If another couple decides both work and contribute at home equally, that is good too. When problems arise is when couples generally don’t agree on the roles and one party seems to think that either the SAHP needs to do everything or the working parent should be contributing 50% at home and working while the SAHP should be contributing 50% at home but at the same time doesn’t have any job. Neither of those options are realistic.
What is the point of being married if you aren’t going to live together?
Some people value having their own retreat for down-time. Some people maintain separate residences, so they don't have to live with their partner's mess. (It does resolve the housekeeping dilemma you present in this thread...) Some people just don't want to give up a home they've put work into modifying per their tastes and requirements, and have grown to love. Lots of reasons. IDK, ask the next married-but-maintaining-separate-homes couple you meet.
I firmly believe that if spouses NEED each other and know their roles, they take more effort in a relationship to make it work. That's why countries with gender roles have lower divorce rates. If you don't create a nice home, a good meal and look nice for him, he is missing out on less if he is no longer with you and will take that under consideration next time you have a disagreement over something stupid.
If the woman no longer cooks and the man no longer fixes a window, and stop appreciating what they do for each other, it is much easier to part ways.
Yes, I have noticed that my partners usually want to be praised alot for the little things they do here and there while I just do it. But so what? It doesn't cost me a thing to repeatedly tell him he's the greatest and making him feel great will in turn benefit myself, too. However, if he says "anyone could do what you do", he deserves to be your ex.
I cook for my bf and he is excited every time about the meals I create and he let's me know. This in turn makes me excited to keep cooking for him. He just fixed a gate at my house and I praised the crap out of him, saving me $$$ and he was happy that I am happy. Little things like that matter in the big picture.
Maybe that point of view is a bit too German for you guys but this is how I grew up and what I have been taught.
Hahaha - I'm 3rd (?) generation German - yes THOSE were the days and the ways!
My grandma and her two sisters each had a favorite piece of chicken - one the wings, one the back, and one like the heart/gizzard. Now, why would these women all like the cheapest cuts of a chicken? Why? Because the men got served first while the women ate the leftovers (usually in the kitchen after all the men were finished) - they never got a breast, thigh or drumstick so they learned to like what was left. You all can figure out if that's good or bad.
I firmly believe that if spouses NEED each other and know their roles, they take more effort in a relationship to make it work. That's why countries with gender roles have lower divorce rates. If you don't create a nice home, a good meal and look nice for him, he is missing out on less if he is no longer with you and will take that under consideration next time you have a disagreement over something stupid.
If the woman no longer cooks and the man no longer fixes a window, and stop appreciating what they do for each other, it is much easier to part ways.
Yes, I have noticed that my partners usually want to be praised alot for the little things they do here and there while I just do it. But so what? It doesn't cost me a thing to repeatedly tell him he's the greatest and making him feel great will in turn benefit myself, too. However, if he says "anyone could do what you do", he deserves to be your ex.
I cook for my bf and he is excited every time about the meals I create and he let's me know. This in turn makes me excited to keep cooking for him. He just fixed a gate at my house and I praised the crap out of him, saving me $$$ and he was happy that I am happy. Little things like that matter in the big picture.
Maybe that point of view is a bit too German for you guys but this is how I grew up and what I have been taught.
I couldn't respect a guy who needed praise for every trivial thing. That's not an adult, it's a child. I don't understand that neediness. Fixing a gate at your place, though (not "our" place), is a big deal, deserving of praise and gratitude.
Some people value having their own retreat for down-time. Some people maintain separate residences, so they don't have to live with their partner's mess. (It does resolve the housekeeping dilemma you present in this thread...) Some people just don't want to give up a home they've put work into modifying per their tastes and requirements, and have grown to love. Lots of reasons. IDK, ask the next married-but-maintaining-separate-homes couple you meet.
I have honestly never met a married-but-maintaining-separate-homes couple. Doesn't mean they don't exist.
Hahaha - I'm 3rd (?) generation German - yes THOSE were the days and the ways!
My grandma and her two sisters each had a favorite piece of chicken - one the wings, one the back, and one like the heart/gizzard. Now, why would these women all like the cheapest cuts of a chicken? Why? Because the men got served first while the women ate the leftovers (usually in the kitchen after all the men were finished) - they never got a breast, thigh or drumstick so they learned to like what was left. You all can figure out if that's good or bad.
Yes - those old ways are best!
That doesn't sound fair, and that is not what I or anybody else here is suggesting.
Hahaha - I'm 3rd (?) generation German - yes THOSE were the days and the ways!
My grandma and her two sisters each had a favorite piece of chicken - one the wings, one the back, and one like the heart/gizzard. Now, why would these women all like the cheapest cuts of a chicken? Why? Because the men got served first while the women ate the leftovers (usually in the kitchen after all the men were finished) - they never got a breast, thigh or drumstick so they learned to like what was left. You all can figure out if that's good or bad.
Yes - those old ways are best!
I am not talking about stone age, duh! I have never seen anyone serving the men first, that sounds more like a muslim thing to me.
Yes, my marriage (to an American) did not last, but I have no friends or any relatives who are divorced, and they are all happily married (Germans and Germans marrying Americans). Not saying gender roles is the only way it works, just saying that is how I grew up and that's how we did it over there and it worked for us. But they also lived together several years before they got married, so they knew each other well.
The generation after me, where women less likely to do "women's work" and more likely work full time and have their own life while their children grow up with strangers, divorce rates are going up.
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