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Now that OP has cleared up some of the confusion regarding whom he is in contact with and whom he is estranged from, I am more inclined to cut him some slack. Divorce and custody are only as healthy and amicable as both spouses allow it to be, and (unlike the first wife) the second wife may have went out of her way to discourage visitation.
I don't disagree with the sentiment that sometimes the most selfless path is to back off until the kids are grown... but it is a risky choice. Some kids will view the absent parent as a long-suffering superhero, and the custodial parent as the one who kept them apart. Others will resent the absent parent for checking out (whether in fact or in their perception) and choosing not to be a part of their life, regardless of the reasons, and don't believe they owe you anything.
Brainwashing the kids is common, unfortunately in divorce. One parent wants the children to hate the other parent as much as they claim to. Best not to plant a seed in the children’s head that may grow into building a wall toward the other parent. It may come back to haunt you...
I'm not sure how common it is (especially nowadays, when divorces seem to be more civilized, at least in my observation), but the thing is... the absent parent makes that brainwashing a lot easier when they are, in fact, absent. Spending less time with the kids is not going to mitigate that.
All we have to go on in this thread is the information that you provided, which was very little and very vague. We can't read your mind, so if you'd like to give us a fuller picture of the situation that you brought up in your OP, we're all ears.
This is the problem. And we still don't have answers to basic questions. The OP has asked us for advice, but we know nothing of the circumstances surrounding his situation. So how can we advise? How to proceed now depends in part, on what his relationship was like with the girls before the divorce. But he hasn't answered that question. Did the girls ever acknowledge his gifts and cards post-divorce (which would give us a clue as to where they were at with their thinking, in the first years after the divorce)? Crickets from the OP. Did they know he tried for shared custody? More crickets.
We have no info do go on. Should we close the thread, then? The OP has returned, but still hasn't filled in any of the blanks in the picture.
This is the problem. And we still don't have answers to basic questions. The OP has asked us for advice, but we know nothing of the circumstances surrounding his situation. So how can we advise? How to proceed now depends in part, on what his relationship was like with the girls before the divorce. But he hasn't answered that question. Did the girls ever acknowledge his gifts and cards post-divorce (which would give us a clue as to where they were at with their thinking, in the first years after the divorce)? Crickets from the OP. Did they know he tried for shared custody? More crickets.
We have no info do go on. Should we close the thread, then? The OP has returned, but still hasn't filled in any of the blanks in the picture.
I think he was having a low moment when he made the thread, feeling down and sorry for himself on his birthday. So from the start a lot of posters probably came here loaded for bear because of that.
The thread title is pretty inflammatory because it places the blame for this estrangement on the kids, when most adults know that's not usually how it works.
He clearly doesn't really want to sort out this situation here, and I don't blame him. But to keep coming back and taking swipes at people without really trying to work out a solution for himself does seem futile.
Maybe I am naive, but I find it impossible to believe that if he was paying child support, a judge would deny him any kind of visitation unless he was a danger to them.
I still think we are getting the poor-me all-about-me version of reality here.
What's sad is that those girls had to watch him favor his original family as they were growing up.
I'm not sure how common it is (especially nowadays, when divorces seem to be more civilized, at least in my observation), but the thing is... the absent parent makes that brainwashing a lot easier when they are, in fact, absent. Spending less time with the kids is not going to mitigate that.
Alas parental alienation is a big problem but I agree the absent parent doesn’t help by remaining absent emotionally and financially.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
Maybe I am naive, but I find it impossible to believe that if he was paying child support, a judge would deny him any kind of visitation unless he was a danger to them.
I still think we are getting the poor-me all-about-me version of reality here.
What's sad is that those girls had to watch him favor his original family as they were growing up.
Your last line. This is damaging for boys but especially damaging for girls. Assuming the girls want to date the opposite sex, it can color those relationships and potentially compromise a good relationship or have them in a relationship where a guy will gladly exploit those abandonment feelings.
Your last line. This is damaging for boys but especially damaging for girls. Assuming the girls want to date the opposite sex, it can color those relationships and potentially compromise a good relationship or have them in a relationship where a guy will gladly exploit those abandonment feelings.
All valid points. Anyone with half a brain knows a man does just not walk away from his children without putting up a fight. It also cracks me up that people think that just because someone has been married twice that they are the bad person. It couldn't possibly be they made two bad choices. Hence the reason my relationships divorce have all been short ones due to my choosing. It works for me.
Well...that's just not true. Men often walk away from their kids. Often. I could give details, but really, we're talking about you. lol
You may have had valid reasons for losing contact with your girls, but you haven't really explained that, even when you've had plenty of opportunity to explain it. Sure...you don't owe us an explanation...but saying "Anyone with half a brain knows a man does just not walk away from his children without putting up a fight." Nope...it happens a lot.
What's sad is that those girls had to watch him favor his original family as they were growing up.
how do you know that? Did he say that somewhere or in a different thread? All he said is that he is still in contact with the daugher from first wife or did I miss something?
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