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I am very emotional. I am also "emotionally available." If you have a problem, I am glad to hear about it.
I have grown children who are very unavailable emotionally - they don't relate to people in that way.
When I speak to these "kids," I have to do a lot of faking. I cannot tell them about my true self, what I have been thinking - what I have been feeling - they could not handle it - they would freak out - but for me, it would be so freeing to be able to speak to people (anyone really) about my reality. If anyone really cared to witness what it is like to be me, it would be amazing for me. I was not mirrored as a child (or at any time in my life), so it would be very precious to experience being truly seen and heard.
Do you have any ideas about how to relate to people you don't seem to have anything in common with (except relation by blood) without compromising your true self?
You are not being disingenuous by retaining your composure.
Remember we teach people how to treat us.
While empathy and compassion amongst those we hold dear seem to be an unwritten 'given'. I've found a certain social unwritten rule amongst generations . The elders remain stoic ...the leaning post.
Share a smidge on the emoting side . Share less on having an opinion. That's the price paid to be called wise sages. Our kids need not be our leaning post. We have friends for that.
I recall at my emotional breaking point of utter grief for a family loss...my kids (grown adults) saw a weak and broken being. They lost respect for my person. To this day....I still have to work at the stay silent .
I am very emotional. I am also "emotionally available." If you have a problem, I am glad to hear about it.
I have grown children who are very unavailable emotionally - they don't relate to people in that way.
When I speak to these "kids," I have to do a lot of faking. I cannot tell them about my true self, what I have been thinking - what I have been feeling - they could not handle it - they would freak out - but for me, it would be so freeing to be able to speak to people (anyone really) about my reality. If anyone really cared to witness what it is like to be me, it would be amazing for me. I was not mirrored as a child (or at any time in my life), so it would be very precious to experience being truly seen and heard.
Do you have any ideas about how to relate to people you don't seem to have anything in common with (except relation by blood) without compromising your true self?
Thank you.
Are you sure they are like this with everyone? It could be they portray this to YOU because of your parent/authority figure relationship. From what you've written about them before, there's a lot of baggage in between. Probably takes a lot of mental energy to set all the memory and habit of thinking aside every time you feel the need to open up. They may have an easier time relating to peers or each other, not you. So, they come off as unavailable. People build up cumulative layers after all. The work of lifetimes and it takes a lot of effort to erase what's gone before if it ever can be.
FWIW, I don't feel the need to reveal my "true self" to everyone. If someone isn't up to receiving it, OK. I can't really change them. To keep forcing my true self on everyone could be misinterpreted as being overly needy. Even though its a mistake, it can still put people off. Its exhausting, so they disengage...wham; here comes the "unavailable" label.
I try to figure out what level of intimacy someone fits best at and stick to it in terms of how I relate to them. Usually only do the really deep dive with one or two very special people who reciprocate, and that's fine. Quality over quantity IMHO. Then the expectations settle down and the tension disappears. Some relationships are more superficial, like elevator music, potato chips. For other, its much deeper; Beethoven's 9th and Indian galouti kibab. The problem arises when one person wants (or insists on) a different level than the other does. Heaven knows I've gotten a lot of practice by now so don't get it wrong too often.
Last edited by Parnassia; 07-30-2020 at 08:41 PM..
what do you mean your true self? You are always your true self. Hiding some feelings and thoughts is also part of your true self.
What would happen if your kids saw more of your emotional side? they would freak out you said, but why and how?
Remember, freaking out is an elevated emotional state. I don't think you can really judge if your kids are emotionally available. After all they may be faking, like you do.
Sometimes when we are with people we love and care about, we don't show our emotions out of love.
If my mom sees me crying or hears me talk about a problem of mine and my voice is even a bit out of the ordinary, it immediately becomes the centerpiece of our talk. Sometimes I don't want to talk about it and be emotional because I don't want her to be sad/stressed. Other times I am not in the mood to talk about it with her, because she pushes me to open up and then offers advice, even if I don't want her to.
Even though we share a special bond with parents, it's easier to show our emotional side to friends sometimes.
In the end, no one is 100% emotionally available at all times and with everyone.
I'm a mom and my first thought reading this was how did you raise your kids not being yourself their entire childhoods? I can't imagine not being natural with my kids, living a life not being myself. Were you consciously restrained? What was your husband's feedback about your behavior? Did he know the "real" you? Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you mean?
I'd sit down, revealing your true self, thoughts, feelings. They'll appreciate knowing you in order to better love and understand you. Give them a chance to hear what you have to say before deciding they won't like it.
If they're behaving in a restrained manner, it could be because you do?
I'm from an Italian family who puts stuff out there. We don't hold back. We have open communication and get it off our chests. Some families I know have no communication, sweeping issues under the rug, building resentments etc. That's not healthy. I'd get it all out there. You don't want this to affect your health.
I wear a lot of hats in life, just as many others do, and while wearing the mother hat I don’t try to pile the other hats on top of that. It’s not a matter of not being authentic but rather choosing what needs to be said and how it impacts their feelings and the quality of time together. I want to spare them worrying About me or making our time together about me. If I have worries I share those with trusted friends. That doesn’t mean I pretend if I am physically unwell or emotionally distressed but I don’t need to elaborate or make a point of calling them and discussing it.
I highly doubt my grandchildren will think the real me is the same as the real me to my husband, or best friend. We share facets of who we are with each relationship but that doesn’t make us fake.
Are you sure they are like this with everyone? It could be they portray this to YOU because of your parent/authority figure relationship. From what you've written about them before, there's a lot of baggage in between. Probably takes a lot of mental energy to set all the memory and habit of thinking aside every time you feel the need to open up. They may have an easier time relating to peers or each other, not you. So, they come off as unavailable. People build up cumulative layers after all. The work of lifetimes and it takes a lot of effort to erase what's gone before if it ever can be.
FWIW, I don't feel the need to reveal my "true self" to everyone. If someone isn't up to receiving it, OK. I can't really change them. To keep forcing my true self on everyone could be misinterpreted as being overly needy. Even though its a mistake, it can still put people off. Its exhausting, so they disengage...wham; here comes the "unavailable" label.
I try to figure out what level of intimacy someone fits best at and stick to it in terms of how I relate to them. Usually only do the really deep dive with one or two very special people who reciprocate, and that's fine. Quality over quantity IMHO. Then the expectations settle down and the tension disappears. Some relationships are more superficial, like elevator music, potato chips. For other, its much deeper; Beethoven's 9th and Indian galouti kibab. The problem arises when one person wants (or insists on) a different level than the other does. Heaven knows I've gotten a lot of practice by now so don't get it wrong too often.
I have studied psychology and lots of personality systems.
I understand my personality and also theirs - strangely, I have a whole passel of relatives who are the opposite of my personality type. They are all just extremely uncomfortable with emotion and don't relate to people that way - that is my primary way of relating, so we just don't mesh in that important area. I have learned to hide my true self because it is just too much for most people to handle.
I have studied psychology and lots of personality systems.
I understand my personality and also theirs - strangely, I have a whole passel of relatives who are the opposite of my personality type. They are all just extremely uncomfortable with emotion and don't relate to people that way - that is my primary way of relating, so we just don't mesh in that important area. I have learned to hide my true self because it is just too much for most people to handle.
I think it's a matter of what people think of as "appropriate". Some people don't really have a feeling for what "most people" feel are appropriate boundaries. I think if the emotions are appropriate for the situation, and for the audience, then "most people" will be okay with that. Like crying because something seriously sad ( a death, a serious health problem, job loss, a break up, etc) has happened. I think a friend, or family member, will be understanding and try to comfort someone in those situations. And I think expressing other emotions in a healthy manner, such as expressing anger through words (not a bunch of swearing and name-calling), or blowing off steam at a batting cage, or chopping wood or leaving the room, are all typical and easily understood, even expected. But some people express emotions immaturely, inappropriately, or at the wrong time, and that makes "most people" uncomfortable.
I don't think it's common, or appropriate, to lean on your children for emotional support. That's sort of what parents are supposed to do for their kids, not the other way around. Depending on the topic, I can understand why your adult kids might be uncomfortable talking about feelings if they are something about your spouse (or ex), or your sex life, etc. Or perhaps it makes them uncomfortable because they feel powerless to help, or because they feel your reactions to your emotions are out of proportion to what is upsetting you. Maybe you need to talk to a counselor through your church, or another other resource who are trained in listening for understanding, and who might offer guidance.
It doesn't work very well to "need" something emotional from our children. Sometimes it's a frustratingly unequal relationship that way and well-rounded adults like to have equal relationships. In fact, we need them or we tend to run out of enthusiasm for the connection.
It is realistic to understand that and the reasons for it, however. And it's not immutable. Sometimes parent/child relationships change a great deal through the years due to problems of aging and growing maturity in the younger adults.
You've gotten good feedback here and I wonder if part of your problem isn't the way you are thinking about it - that if you don't have a totally emotional relationship with them then you are hiding your true self. With others here, I think not.
Sharing more of our true self is a gift and we give it carefully and in due time when the other is ready for it. It would not be a gift to impose it on someone because we have that need and not them. That would be a burden.
That's really a sad thing, isn't it - wanting someone to know you better and them not being ready for it or interested in it. I certainly understand. Building deep and meaningful relationships is a lifetime endeavor apparently. One careful and caring step at a time and lots of forgiveness for missteps. Sigh.
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