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A guy I know went into clinical depression 12 years ago from which he recovered. He was seen once by a psychologist and was under the watchful eyes of community mental health nurses. He continued to go to work but talked about Nietzsche and the void to his wife. She and the children saved him.
The reason and trigger for this event was he had a brief long distance relationship with an old girlfriend which he told his wife about. That ended by mutual consent because his wife and children were the most important. After three weeks he became suicidal.
Present day: both parties are now aged 60. He received an email from the girlfriend. She wanted to clear her mind of residual guilt which a book had advised her as being healthy. So she described a couple of things my friend had done 12 years earlier but which she felt unable to complain about at the time.
Objectively the email was mild but it has affected this man very deeply. It was the same trigger. There was second message blaming them equally, and later a message of apology. He replied saying she was right, whilst uncoiling into clinical depression this second time.
Apparently things deteriorated after that because he expected a conversation explaining why the messages were sent. He did not ask because he thought she knew further words were needed. Eventually she stopped emailing at all.
His wife and young adult children live in another city but he would never speak of this anyway. They know he is not well.
He says that he can only mend when he hears from her why and what has happened. At the moment it is another void.
The puzzle is why being reminded of events 12 years in the past, my friend would react the same way today. He does not know and the girlfriend has not provided any explanation beyond the book idea, and apologising.
Both this man and the girlfriend are nice people, not prone to anger, both have high intelligence. She did not intend any harm and is shocked but won't talk about it.
Last edited by mensaguy; 09-09-2020 at 04:54 PM..
Reason: Changed color to black.
I don't think that relationships always end that easily. Sometimes people make strong connections in a small time and it can also be affecting the people that "broke up" for a long time.
During this time a person isn't just in a depressed state always, but sometimes they can function normally without having completely processed the breakup. I guess at some point the girlfriend didn't feel good in her life and she attributed to the fact that she wasn't completely open to her feelings and started to clear them up. She said what she wanted to say, and the apology was maybe accepted.
Your friend is shaken by the fact that after all these years she contacted him(which I guess is a pretty big indicator that there were some genuine feelings at the time), but is buffled at the same time because it was a "brief long distance relationship" so logically it shouldn't be affecting him this much. But this, for me, is a trick of the brain.
We get anxious about what it means to be feeling this much after all this time. But it's normal. Sometimes you don't get the closure. Sometimes you get it and it still doesn't feel enough.
Your friend is free to ask her why, but we already know why:
"She wanted to clear her mind of residual guilt which a book had advised her as being healthy."
Your friend just has to accept that.
He has a loving family and even though someone he cared deeply for has contacted him, that is his current situation. To me, that's what's really important. The people you love.
By the way, this bright blue color is kind of blinding me. Sorry, I wonder if it's just me.
I don't think that relationships always end that easily. Sometimes people make strong connections in a small time and it can also be affecting the people that "broke up" for a long time.
During this time a person isn't just in a depressed state always, but sometimes they can function normally without having completely processed the breakup. I guess at some point the girlfriend didn't feel good in her life and she attributed to the fact that she wasn't completely open to her feelings and started to clear them up. She said what she wanted to say, and the apology was maybe accepted.
Your friend is shaken by the fact that after all these years she contacted him(which I guess is a pretty big indicator that there were some genuine feelings at the time), but is buffled at the same time because it was a "brief long distance relationship" so logically it shouldn't be affecting him this much. But this, for me, is a trick of the brain.
We get anxious about what it means to be feeling this much after all this time. But it's normal. Sometimes you don't get the closure. Sometimes you get it and it still doesn't feel enough.
Your friend is free to ask her why, but we already know why:
"She wanted to clear her mind of residual guilt which a book had advised her as being healthy."
Your friend just has to accept that.
He has a loving family and even though someone he cared deeply for has contacted him, that is his current situation. To me, that's what's really important. The people you love.
By the way, this bright blue color is kind of blinding me. Sorry, I wonder if it's just me.
Well said. Yes OP, why the bright blue color? Anyway, you make a good point about closure. I have residual anger and hurt feelings towards my ex-wife, and we've been divorced 11 years. If I allow myself to go there, I can get really upset because I feel responsible for the divorce, or choosing the wrong woman to marry in the first place, which resulted in me having no family. Meanwhile, she went on to get remarried and have 2 kids with this jerk who I knew! He was her coworker. Anyway, I hate her for the betrayal and will never fully be over it. I sometimes wonder how life would be different if I never met her. Would I have met someone else and had a family? I'll never know. Thats why it eats at me. All that to say, I sort of relate to what this guy has been through, with the big exception that my relationship was 7 years, not a brief fling. Plus, he has a family, so it makes even less sense.
Edit: To the jerk who posted that nonsense on my page, I never cheated on my wife or even considered it. No, I'm not responsible for my divorce.
Last edited by The_Atlguy; 09-09-2020 at 01:47 PM..
I don't think that relationships always end that easily. Sometimes people make strong connections in a small time and it can also be affecting the people that "broke up" for a long time.
She said what she wanted to say, and the apology was maybe accepted.
Your friend is shaken by the fact that after all these years she contacted him.. but is baffled at the same time because it was a "brief long distance relationship" so logically it shouldn't be affecting him this much.
But this, for me, is a trick of the brain.
We get anxious about what it means to be feeling this much after all this time. But it's normal. Sometimes you don't get the closure.
"She wanted to clear her mind of residual guilt which a book had advised her as being healthy."
Your friend just has to accept that.
He has a loving family...that is his current situation. To me, that's what's really important. The people you love.
By the way, this bright blue color is kind of blinding me. Sorry, I wonder if it's just me.
Excellent and my thanks.
"She wanted to clear her mind of residual guilt which a book had advised her as being healthy."
Your friend just has to accept that."
Yes, not my thoughts because I'm sympathetic, but fundamentally you are correct.
The relationship was intense because they were originally together in 1990 years earlier. She since had children and was peacefully separated.
I think he is improving so will have a talk or several talks with him.
Well said. Yes OP, why the bright blue color? Anyway, you make a good point about closure. I have residual anger and hurt feelings towards my ex-wife, and we've been divorced 11 years. If I allow myself to go there, I can get really upset because I feel responsible for the divorce, or choosing the wrong woman to marry in the first place, which resulted in me having no family. Meanwhile, she went on to get remarried and have 2 kids with this jerk who I knew! He was her coworker. Anyway, I hate her for the betrayal and will never fully be over it. I sometimes wonder how life would be different if I never met her. Would I have met someone else and had a family? I'll never know. Thats why it eats at me. All that to say, I sort of relate to what this guy has been through, with the big exception that my relationship was 7 years, not a brief fling. Plus, he has a family, so it makes even less sense.
Oh man, my heart goes out to you. We never really know how our relationships will work out. Seven years is a strong commitment and your residual anger makes sense. Feeling this 11 years later shows such powerful feelings don't just mellow into the background.
Have you spoken with a counselor or anyone you trust about this? The thoughts won't disappear but if you can look at what happened in a different way, your life will be enriched. Easy to say but I've seen it happen.
Thank you for confirming my friend isn't alone with such thoughts.
Oh man, my heart goes out to you. We never really know how our relationships will work out. Seven years is a strong commitment and your residual anger makes sense. Feeling this 11 years later shows such powerful feelings don't just mellow into the background.
Have you spoken with a counselor or anyone you trust about this? The thoughts won't disappear but if you can look at what happened in a different way, your life will be enriched. Easy to say but I've seen it happen.
Thank you for confirming my friend isn't alone with such thoughts.
Well, its a complicated subject and everyone is different. My personality is such that its hard to let things go. I have a lot of regrets and tend to beat myself up. This is why I'm still affected to this day. But yes, I have done a ton of work on this from divorce support groups, therapy, books on recovery, etc. The list of self improvement actions just never ends for me because deep down I believe there's something wrong with me. How can there not be? I wanted a family and don't have one while everyone around me does. I must have really f'd it up to end up here. Thats the reality. You've heard the saying "you would never speak to someone else the way you speak to yourself". That sums it up for me.
As for your friend, it doesn't make much sense, but no, he's definitely not the only one who struggles with things like this.
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