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Leopards do not change their spots. If you want the house sold, hire a lawyer. Talking to him, doesn't sound as if it will help. If he is giving you a bad time over it, use separate rooms.
This is a recurring issue with us and the primary reason I filed for divorce last year: He will not do what he knows perfectly well needs to be done.
His mother died four years ago and designated him executor of the estate. He hasn't done anything about winding up the estate in years. Now his sister wants her inheritance and has hired a lawyer to take over. She and her husband are angry. You'd think he would be relieved to have this burden taken from him, but no. Now he's resisting with every fiber of his being. That's energy that could have been used in getting the job done in the first place.
Then there's our California house. It needs to be sold. He knows that. I was part-owner of the house before we got married and if I have to, I will hire a lawyer to go before a judge and order it sold. And then he will resist THAT with every fiber of his being.
My husband somehow got the idea that TALKING about doing things is the same as DOING them. I try to reason with him. He nods his head, agrees with everything I say...and does nothing.
Is there any way to get through to a person like this?
Nope.
At least I never figured it out. When my husband was first diagnosed, he promised me that he would move heaven and earth to get me back to where I wanted to be. I thought we had two years to do it.
His brain surgery robbed him of that memory and short term memory, and one day as I stood in front of the countless, countless boxes of stuff, he saw me looking at it with my hands on my hips and he said what are you doing? I replied trying to figure out how I’m gonna get rid of all the stuff so we can go back home to Pennsylvania.
His response was why would I wanna do that? That was my first inkling that his memory was damaged. The second indication was him watching the she demon DVD three times in two days. And then after I woke up in the middle of the night and removed it from the pile of DVDs that he was looking at every day, he never mentioned it again. Out of sight, out of mind.
I don’t mean this to sound cruel. It isn’t meant that way. And I believe to the bottom of my heart that your husband just doesn’t understand why you can’t wait for him to do this in his own time which is never, because he doesn’t want to do it. To him it doesn’t need to be done.
That’s why I keep calling my husband a hoarder. For all intents and purposes, he wasn’t really a hoarder hoarder. I mean the house isn’t filthy, there’s not bags of trash lying around, cat boxes are cleaned twice daily, everything in my house works. He just couldn’t stop himself from “collecting”.
In fact I may never ever have to buy another stamp because apparently he was collecting stamps. And I frankly don’t care if I put $.64 worth of postage on something. If it gets for a little higher postage than what it should be I’m really OK with that, I have way too many stamps now. There was cussing when I opened that notebook.
The rare fights my husband and I had what I said if I kept bringing it up over and over about the stuff, I was nagging. He didn’t like me to nag. That’s when I had to enforce the equator in the house. The dining table was off-limits to him, that’s where I quilt. With my bad knees I needed space to walk. No dumping boxes of items in the dining room, so I couldn’t get to the kitchen. The once a month where I had to do invoices, the desk had to be cleared out so I could use it and then he could do whatever you want to do the rest of the time and I wouldn’t complain. Then he started falling down on that, and I got my own laptop, and started emailing invoices.
At least I never figured it out. When my husband was first diagnosed, he promised me that he would move heaven and earth to get me back to where I wanted to be. I thought we had two years to do it.
His brain surgery robbed him of that memory and short term memory, and one day as I stood in front of the countless, countless boxes of stuff, he saw me looking at it with my hands on my hips and he said what are you doing? I replied trying to figure out how I’m gonna get rid of all the stuff so we can go back home to Pennsylvania.
His response was why would I wanna do that? That was my first inkling that his memory was damaged.
Hugs, Tallysmom. I hope this was cathartic for you. All your posts of the last couple of months have touched me deeply.
Hugs, Tallysmom. I hope this was cathartic for you. All your posts of the last couple of months have touched me deeply.
It always is. And I did think of one thing. There were things he did not want to deal with, and I would do all the paperwork and hand it over to him to sign. Maybe that’s what you have to do with the house. I know it sucks but if you do what you can and all he has to do is sign that it’ll be done.
Especially because right now houses are still flying off the shelf here. I think we were in the same area before you moved. I can’t believe it when I get an email that says my house value went up 2%. But I’ve seen it go down, so I don’t think they’re lying to me.
It always is. And I did think of one thing. There were things he did not want to deal with, and I would do all the paperwork and hand it over to him to sign. Maybe that’s what you have to do with the house. I know it sucks but if you do what you can and all he has to do is sign that it’ll be done.
I'm willing to do that. What I'm not willing to do is pack up all his stuff, ship it to Arizona, etc. He's got to deal with his own crud.
We were talking about this earlier today, miracle of miracles, and he said he wanted the house remodeled before it goes on the MLS. I said, no way. Nope. Uh-uh. We could probably get 90% of the current value if we offer it in a private off-market sale, as-is. I'm not spending another three years of my life remodeling a house. I just turned 67 and I have an incurable degenerative lung disease. I want to make the most of the time I have left.
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Especially because right now houses are still flying off the shelf here.
Why does the peninsula house need to be sold now during height of the pandemic? It's value has continued to go up at a faster rate than Scottsdale real estate. The property taxes on the peninsula house are extremely low. Not long ago you posted that you wanted someplace to escape the Scottsdale heat in the summer. You have that now. Neither of you will lose any money by holding onto the California property as it continues to escalate. It is a strong seller's market here and I believe it will continue.
If your husband is depressed during this pandemic, as it sounds like he is (and aren't we all, to some degree?), then please try to show him more compassion, not less.
"Women marry men thinking that they can change them. Men marry women thinking they will never change. Inevitably, both are disappointed".
Personally, I took Groucho's advice years ago: "I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member".
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And I frankly don’t care if I put $.64 worth of postage on something. If it gets for a little higher postage than what it should be I’m really OK with that, I have way too many stamps now. There was cussing when I opened that notebook. 
Solly says — Be nice!
