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...I have no desire to rekindle the friendship as it could never go back to what it was. But I know forgiveness is important...
What would you do?
Good, I wouldn't dare rekindle the friendship either.
Whether she said it, "blithely" or not, you can definitely forgive her IN YOUR OWN MIND & SOUL, but that doesn't mean you necessarily have to actually tell her you forgive her, etc. OR if you want to tell her you forgive her that's up to you, but it still never means you have to contact her ever again.
The definition of FORGIVENESS means - "The intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, and overcomes negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance."
So sure, you can forgive, but you can do it within yourself for your OWN peace of mind, to close the chapter, etc. & she'd never have to know a thing 1 way or the other.
Since it was something that horrendous that she did, that's how I'd personally forgive this particular person...who even 5 yrs later can't even be sincere & genuine w/ her apology, by the way.
It would be hypocritical of me to claim to forgive and forget a major transgression that hurt me deeply. I will put it in the past and not let it ruin my present or future, but I will neither forget what happened nor forgive. That person would be out of my life because who needs negativity or toxic people that contribute nothing meaningful or joyful to your life? I would not answer her at all, what would be the point? You've moved on, leave the past in the past.
Forgiveness and closure are words that I usually hear or read about but have never found useful or even meaningful. I never forgive and have no idea what closure is. Over time I forget, and what was once important only lingers momentarily the dim recesses of my mind. The saying time heals all wounds is true.
I do similarly. My definition of "forgiveness" is apparently different than that of many people-- what many call "forgiveness," I call, "getting over it." It has nothing to do with the other person or how I feel about them. I simply put what happened behind me and move on.
Doesn't mean I forget what happened or that it was crappy (I don't mean "crappy" but I know the board will censor what I do mean). Doesn't mean I'm letting that person close to me again/back in my life/whatever. That's what "forgiveness" would mean to me, and if the thing they did was bad enough, it's not happening.
OP, it sounds like you don't need her. So let it go. You can tell her how she hurt you all you want, but is she really going to care? If it will help you to get it off your chest, then feel free, but frankly I feel like any response to her is going to just keep the interaction going, and it sounds like you aren't interested in further interaction. So why even let her think there's hope? So maybe if you need to tell her, it might be best to write her a letter and state in it very clearly that you are not interested in associating with her further and that she should not try to contact you. And then forget her (block if necessary).
/Yes, sigh. I also do not want her to have this power over my feelings, which laying all the hurt out would prove. I want HER to think I've moved on and she cannot affect me like this./
/I wish I knew the trick of "releasing" as mentioned./
If you want her to think you've moved on you're still trying to influence her in a way that will satisfy you. it's a confounding paradox, indeed.
Free her to do and feel and act as she pleases and you are released. The trick is genuinely not trying to control outcomes. It's all "her stuff" so let her own it. I make a mental picture of wrapping it up like a present and handing it back.
You bumped into her unpleasantness. An existential accident.
One thing that really helps me is not rehashing old hurts because, like I said, what hurt me once probably still hurts. So why would I want to keep hurting myself because someone once hurt me? I tell myself that's a little nuts.
All easier said than done but diligent practice over time has had good results.
My dirty little secret was that I kinda liked having a wound from someone that I could hold out like a bandage and get comfort from others for it. It didn't bother me either if I could influence others to think of her as a bad person. A point for my side.
For others the reward can be a few drinks, still others lots of food they know they shouldn't be eating. Name it, there's usually a reward for making myself feel bad. I had to learn to ask for help with uncomfortable feelings instead of act out this game that was hurting me.
Don't know if that applies or not but growing to love myself through the years has helped encourage me not to think thoughts that hurt.
Like some here who find it easier to forget may say, "I just put on my big girl panties."
You can still forgive her and be indifferent to her. I dumped a friend about 4 years ago because she was selfish and insensitive about something that was super important to me. I asked her for one thing in our friendship, and I was giving way more than I was getting in return. It killed the friendship. I don't hate her, but I don't want her back in my life either. That being said, if I saw her in a store I would say hi to her and make some small talk. There's no reason to treat someone as bad as they treated you. Be better. Leopards don't change their spots. You either accept them or reject them for who they are. The damage comes when you give them too much power over what you feel. Feed the good emotions and move on without hate or bitterness.
If you want her to think you've moved on you're still trying to influence her in a way that will satisfy you. it's a confounding paradox, indeed.
Free her to do and feel and act as she pleases and you are released. The trick is genuinely not trying to control outcomes. It's all "her stuff" so let her own it. I make a mental picture of wrapping it up like a present and handing it back.
You bumped into her unpleasantness. An existential accident.
One thing that really helps me is not rehashing old hurts because, like I said, what hurt me once probably still hurts. So why would I want to keep hurting myself because someone once hurt me? I tell myself that's a little nuts.
All easier said than done but diligent practice over time has had good results.
My dirty little secret was that I kinda liked having a wound from someone that I could hold out like a bandage and get comfort from others for it. It didn't bother me either if I could influence others to think of her as a bad person. A point for my side.
For others the reward can be a few drinks, still others lots of food they know they shouldn't be eating. Name it, there's usually a reward for making myself feel bad. I had to learn to ask for help with uncomfortable feelings instead of act out this game that was hurting me.
Don't know if that applies or not but growing to love myself through the years has helped encourage me not to think thoughts that hurt.
Like some here who find it easier to forget may say, "I just put on my big girl panties."
Wonderful and very useful response. I love the idea of having bumped into someone else's unpleasantness, as well as handing it back in a bow-wrapped present. Thanks!
Unless her betrayal was very minor, her reconciliation attempt is ridiculous. If she had written a heart-felt apology and asked you to please forgive her, it might be worth considering. Depending on how bad her actions were, of course. But it sounds like she sent you a glib obligatory, "you didn't like what I did, but get over it and move on and act like nothing happened" non-apology.
Why do you have to forgive her anyway? I can understand forgiveness if it's someone you want to have in your life and continue a relationship with. But not someone who hasn't been part of your life in a long time and is not missed.
Working on forgiveness has become a life-long task for me because I can't stand how I feel when I hold onto a resentment. It's like a cancer that eats me from the inside out, even controls my behavior. Sometimes it has taken a long time to figure out a way to release myself from its grip.
Something I've learned along the way is that whatever hurt me in the past may always hurt me. Being mentally healthy doesn't mean being free from emotional pain. If it did we'd be paying anything for the magic treatments.
To me it means learning to live with the old hurts in a way that I no longer allow them to dictate my mood or behavior. That has become possible, thank goodness. For me a big part of that is becoming willing to release them.
That probably won't happen if you have expectations of the person who hurt you. That puts everything on hold contingent on what they do rather than what you do. You can always try but you may end up more hurt than before by her response if she is unable or unwilling to see herself through your eyes. Some people can't.
Maybe think about how much a part of her not doing what you want her to do plays in you still feeling hurt? Do you want to be dependent on her response for how you feel next? That gives her a lot of power over your feelings.
I actually think one of the biggest obstacles to this is we don’t have a real proper word for it. When we say forgiveness to many people it means, well, forgiveness. Forgive and forget. When in actuality what we are doing is letting go of the bad garbage that’s keeping us back.
Years ago I had a very horrible situation and I “forgave“ the person who wronged me but I cut her out of my life. And she is not coming back into it. She is dead to me. I’ve moved on, I have what we called forgiven, but by cutting her out of my life to me, that’s not real forgiveness. Because trust me she’ll do it again because she has done it again multiple times to other people.
You know that story about the scorpion in the alligator, don’t you? That is a perfect perfect allegory for this woman.
Maybe we should call it finding grace within ourselves. Because if we don’t, all that does is give headspace to negative people and we never seem to get past the pain. Let it go and find grace.
And to the OP? No. If you’re still hurting, you might want to discuss it with her to try to clear the air and see how you feel afterwards but some things cannot be forgive and forget some things you’ve got to let it go and find grace.
Her communication with you shows no sign of hurt on her part and wanting to apologize. I would write her back with something like, “Thanks for contacting me, but I do not wish to reopen old wounds or incur new ones. Have a nice day.”
Then clear her out of your short-term memory and ignore any possible future messages from her. Time and living well will soften the sting of the old stuff. You do not have to forgive her; you only need to not dwell on her.
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Solly says — Be nice!
