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She said she regrets "her part" in ending your friendship. How about an open-ended question such as "What was your part that you regret?" and see what her reply is. The question will surely make her squirm. That question does not reveal that you are emotionally attached to the outcome at all.
My ex-best-friend just contacted me out of the blue, after 5 years.
Five years ago, she hurt me more deeply than anyone ever has in my entire life. By far. It was such a betrayal, I never spoke to her again. Fortunately we moved shortly after.
So after all this time, she emails me and says "I regret my part in ending our friendship", then blithely goes on to newsy stuff. The hurt was one-way, no contribution on my part.
This was putting a band-aid on a gaping, bleeding wound.
I have tried to forgive her all these years because I know it is healthy for ME to not harbor these grievances. But I don't really know if I have or not because it still hurts.
I could "ghost" her, sure. But part of me wants her to know just how damaging her actions were, since she seems clueless from her tone.
I have no desire to rekindle the friendship as it could never go back to what it was. But I know forgiveness is important...
What would you do?
You can forgive, but you never forget, best just to move on and leave her where she is...maybe down the road, she will meet someone who will hurt her the same way, then and only then will she understand.
It is most unfortunate but eventually you have to cut people you cared about out of your life....
Maybe the end result would be, instead of trying to understand her, try and understand why you chose to allow someone in your life who would do so much damage to you...
that is what I try and do....and when you become aware of that, looking back just isn't as important any longer.
She said she regrets "her part" in ending your friendship. How about an open-ended question such as "What was your part that you regret?" and see what her reply is. The question will surely make her squirm. That question does not reveal that you are emotionally attached to the outcome at all.
But why? Why continue a conversation when OP doesn't feel the need to have her in their life? (And, something like this will just invite argument. If OP doesn't like her answer to the question, they'll probably want to respond. Then she'll respond trying to further defend herself, etc. Not a good idea.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
You can forgive, but you never forget, best just to move on and leave her where she is...maybe down the road, she will meet someone who will hurt her the same way, then and only then will she understand.
It is most unfortunate but eventually you have to cut people you cared about out of your life....
Maybe the end result would be, instead of trying to understand her, try and understand why you chose to allow someone in your life who would do so much damage to you...
that is what I try and do....and when you become aware of that, looking back just isn't as important any longer.
Nah. Even if it were the exact same situation, I bet she'd either not make the connection at all, or be able to come up with some reason in her head why her situation is different and she doesn't deserve it.
I think the reason you are "stuck" (and sometimes that's just a matter of time, honesty and contemplation) is that you have a moral system that is demanding you come up with an authentic response. Honesty.
But you have this conflict with what you called your "petty" side that doesn't want to do anything that might feel like you are giving her an advantage. So-called power over you, or overlooking the hurt she caused. That's like playing a psychological game with someone even though you intend it to protect you.
It's entirely possible that your authentic side wants to say something that you are afraid of saying. Maybe you need to listen to that. It's a worthless endeavor to try to anticipate how she will respond because you can't control that. And that's not what this is about, anyway. This is about you having a sense of relief from what you do.
I hope this doesn't sounds insensitive but I'm sort of encouraged hearing you talk about this. Your words sound like those of someone who has evolved through the years and your old reaction to an old hurt isn't what would be satisfying to you anymore.
It's all cooking, I think. It sounds like a good direction.
A letter reminding her of what she did would simply show that her actions occupy space in my head. If she really wanted to mend things with me, they would be on her mind. Therefore, my response would be no response at least for the moment or it would be a short response. Her letter simply would not meet my expectations and leaves more questions than answers.
You're right----this reminds me of my favorite show "Big Bang Theory" where Star Trek Wesley tells Sheldon:
"I'm living RENT-FREE right here!" pointing to Sheldon's forehead.
She would probably defend her indefensible actions and that would just make me more angry, honestly.
Then on it would go, back and forth....as you say, IF she had asked for "forgiveness" that would be something else entirely.
I've pretty much lost the desire to answer now....that letter-writing (but not sending) really IS cathartic!
I think the reason you are "stuck" (and sometimes that's just a matter of time, honesty and contemplation) is that you have a moral system that is demanding you come up with an authentic response. Honesty.
But you have this conflict with what you called your "petty" side that doesn't want to do anything that might feel like you are giving her an advantage. So-called power over you, or overlooking the hurt she caused. That's like playing a psychological game with someone even though you intend it to protect you.
It's entirely possible that your authentic side wants to say something that you are afraid of saying. Maybe you need to listen to that. It's a worthless endeavor to try to anticipate how she will respond because you can't control that. And that's not what this is about, anyway. This is about you having a sense of relief from what you do.
I hope this doesn't sounds insensitive but I'm sort of encouraged hearing you talk about this. Your words sound like those of someone who has evolved through the years and your old reaction to an old hurt isn't what would be satisfying to you anymore.
It's all cooking, I think. It sounds like a good direction.
Thanks for this in-depth response. We hear so much about being "authentic" and then something confusing like this comes up. There is indeed a "fear" of saying the truth...
I'm glad you're encouraged----I guess I am too. Somewhat.
Thanks for this in-depth response. We hear so much about being "authentic" and then something confusing like this comes up. There is indeed a "fear" of saying the truth...
I'm glad you're encouraged----I guess I am too. Somewhat.
I don't see it as a "fear" of the truth (confronting her)... just a realization that doing so would be pointless, give her further space in her life (and you don't want her to have space in your life), and probably wouldn't have the effect you want it to have. That's the "truth," too.
I don't see it as a "fear" of the truth (confronting her)... just a realization that doing so would be pointless, give her further space in her life (and you don't want her to have space in your life), and probably wouldn't have the effect you want it to have. That's the "truth," too.
Good point about "truth". She hasn't been in my life for 5 years and I'd just as soon keep it that way.
Also true, responding probably wouldn't have the effect I'd prefer.
As far as "letting her into my life" well, we worked together and developed a friendship from there. It's pretty difficult to anticipate how someone might suddenly change and hurt you with no warning.
Like a romance. Without a crystal ball, we all make mistakes.
Did you confront her when it happened? If you didn't maybe that's more along the lines of what would help you move past this. What she did was all about her weaknesses and wasn't about you. I wouldn't bother with her ever again but I'll share a trick that works on me when I am trying to get past something. Go back in your mind and redo the situation as you would now. For example, when I was a kid I couldn't tell off adults who abused me. I went back in my mind said what I would say now to someone like that. It confuses my memory just enough where those incidents don't keep bothering me.
As far as "letting her into my life" well, we worked together and developed a friendship from there. It's pretty difficult to anticipate how someone might suddenly change and hurt you with no warning.
Like a romance. Without a crystal ball, we all make mistakes.
You didn't know then. You know now. I wasn't referring to then, I'm referring to now. You've pretty much said you don't want to let her back in... and that's fine. You don't need justification for that. You're never required to have anyone in your life who you don't want in your life, period. If you want to drop her, that's up to you.
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It sounds like a good direction.
