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I dont think you are bisexual. I think you have the issue of 'wanting to be gay' but are hopelessly heterosexual.
I say this because you claim to have erections when you are with women, even when they are fully clothed, but then downplay that as if it meant nothing.
Then you say repeatedly how you are turned on by guys, but you dont describe the same situations where you are hanging out with a group of fully clothed guys and get an erection.
You describe having had sex with a woman, but you dont mention having had sex with a man. If you truly prefered men, I would think you would have tried a man out first, no?
It comes across like you are denying the obvious while elaborating the almost non-existent.
Is it possible what you are interpreting as being turned on by guys, could be more like you find the company of another man easier to navigate?
Which logically it would be because you are a man too, and at least on the surface you will find that you share more of the same interests and opinions on certain subjects with other men. You could call it a more distinct 'common ground'.
Some of them probably still are, even if they’re not willing to publicly admit it
That's because sexuality is more of a spectrum. Kinsey was the first to scientifically document this.
If we think of 0 as totally straight, 10 as totally gay, and bi as 5, the majority of the population is not actually at 0, 5, and 10. The majority (combined) is at 1,2,3,4,6,7,8,9.
I dont think you are bisexual. I think you have the issue of 'wanting to be gay' but are hopelessly heterosexual.
I say this because you claim to have erections when you are with women, even when they are fully clothed, but then downplay that as if it meant nothing.
Then you say repeatedly how you are turned on by guys, but you dont describe the same situations where you are hanging out with a group of fully clothed guys and get an erection.
You describe having had sex with a woman, but you dont mention having had sex with a man. If you truly prefered men, I would think you would have tried a man out first, no?
It comes across like you are denying the obvious while elaborating the almost non-existent.
Is it possible what you are interpreting as being turned on by guys, could be more like you find the company of another man easier to navigate?
Which logically it would be because you are a man too, and at least on the surface you will find that you share more of the same interests and opinions on certain subjects with other men. You could call it a more distinct 'common ground'.
I'm sorry to resurrect an old-ish thread, but I just tend to come back when I'm struggling, and I had felt really good the past few months until recently. I guess summer coming back and the fact that I'll be seeing more people in general scantily clad triggers my anxiety about this.
I wish I was "hopelessly heterosexual" but I really am not. Last night, I watched a movie that involved one scene seeing at least 10 gorgeous women in a locker room, changing clothes and seeing everything that comes with that. I did not react, one iota, and emotionally couldn't have cared less. There was also a scene where one of the guys fully opened his button-up shirt, and I was turned on by that. And yes, I have been turned on by a guy fully-clothed if they were my type.
I then was trying to convince myself otherwise, so unlike watching actual videos, I looked up pictures of nude women on Google Images, just to see if I could react to those visuals. Some of them were just bare-chested, and others were completely nude, exposing everything. With the exception of maybe one that I was intrigued by, I did not get turned on by these images at all, and even found the sight of some of the genitalia gross.
I really thought this was over. I don't understand why I'm getting turned on by some girls when they are fully clothed, or when a bikini-clad girl crossing the street smiles and waves at me. The "crossing the street" thing only happened one time, so I can't say that's a regularly-occurring event. I just can't get having a girlfriend and marrying a girl out of my head, and I've absolutely had strong feelings towards girls that involved wanting to be more than friends, and I was turned on not by pictures of her, but by seeing my ex without clothes in person. What am I supposed to do, if my next real-life situation is exactly like the pictures and movies? What if I'm fully turned on and romantically attracted to the girl fully-clothed, but as soon as she strips, I get turned off? Logically, I don't see that making sense, but I barely slept last night, so obviously it's back in full force. And having no means of real-life experience because I literally have no way of meeting anyone in this suburb doesn't help at all.
You seem drawn more to the aesthetics of heterosexuality more than to actual women themselves. You like the idea of a women in a white dress and you feel a sense of community in your church. But you actually not that attracted to women themselves. I am guessing when you are looking at porn its a lot more gay or bi porn than actual naked women.
The issue with relationships is that there is another person involved. You may like the idea of being married to a woman, but their is the practical reality of actually having sex with her on a regular basis, could you actually do that? Would you want to do that? If you can't answer that definitely, I don't think marriage with a woman is a good idea unless before you get married you have had the conversation about how your sexuality actually does work. My hunch is that there aren't a lot of straight women who want to get married and have children with a man who is more attracted to men than to women.
There is also the future of any kids that come out of this relationship. Are you ok with bringing kids into a relationship with a woman who might want to later exit the relationship when she might get frustrated being married to a man who isn't that interested in having sex with her.
There are plenty of misconceptions in here but it’s ok, I had them too. I was married for 23 years to a man who came out gay and the reason I didn’t see it coming was because we had sex a lot, even towards the bitter end. I’m talking like every other night. Some people no doubt thought I was an idiot because surely we weren’t having sex, but we were.
One thing I would suggest to the OP is to look into the polyamorous community. He’d be much more likely to meet a woman who would understand and less likely to feel he needs to lie to someone.
There are plenty of misconceptions in here but it’s ok, I had them too. I was married for 23 years to a man who came out gay and the reason I didn’t see it coming was because we had sex a lot, even towards the bitter end. I’m talking like every other night. Some people no doubt thought I was an idiot because surely we weren’t having sex, but we were.
One thing I would suggest to the OP is to look into the polyamorous community. He’d be much more likely to meet a woman who would understand and less likely to feel he needs to lie to someone.
That does make sense, but I never saw polyamory as very desirable. And the one time I had a video call set up with another guy, I freaked out, canceled it and unmatched him, and went back to pursuing girls to no avail. Not that I went on dates and wasn’t attracted to them, it was the fact that I literally couldn’t get matches. I saw a girl at church recently that I find very cute, and one day she was particularly dressed up, and I’m pretty sure I visibly smiled when I saw her walk in that day and wanted to throw myself on her. That incident, and others like that, give me “reassurance” that I am not gay and never will be, but what am I supposed to think when I can’t react to a picture of a naked woman to save my life? And I’ve had full sex (not just foreplay) one time in my life and had trouble more likely due to nerves. The other situation with my ex that was closest to full-on sex, I had absolutely no trouble and really enjoyed it, more than any gay man (I think) would enjoy being naked with a girl.
The reason I am opposed to polyamory is because I just don’t believe in it, for any relationship. I want to have a traditional marriage to a woman, where we have biological kids on their own and take them to Church every Sunday and Sunday dinner at Grandma’s house. I am very involved in my Church at the moment too. I know I can do that stuff in a same-sex marriage, but I really don’t feel like that’s for me, and if there is a way to marry a woman, never have a same-sex experience and never need one because I’m fulfilled by her alone, I want that desperately. Luckily, I am still in therapy every week for this.
The reason I am opposed to polyamory is because I just don’t believe in it, for any relationship. I want to have a traditional marriage to a woman, where we have biological kids on their own and take them to Church every Sunday and Sunday dinner at Grandma’s house. I am very involved in my Church at the moment too. I know I can do that stuff in a same-sex marriage, but I really don’t feel like that’s for me, and if there is a way to marry a woman, never have a same-sex experience and never need one because I’m fulfilled by her alone, I want that desperately. Luckily, I am still in therapy every week for this.
I was always opposed to it as well but then a friend talked me into reading a book called The Ethical ****, which sounds awful but is on its third printing and I loved that it opened my mind in a way that I felt was beneficial. I’m still not poly, though i have flirted with the idea and especially because I’ve been single for twelve yrs now (I’m a lot older than you!). Anyway, I wasn’t so much suggesting that you become polyamorous as I was suggesting that women with that mindset would be more understanding, but of course that would require more understanding from you as well. Ask yourself this...is it worse to be monogamous and cheat or is it worse to be poly and totally honest? And you can still be in church and do the traditional dinners with family. It’s not like non-stop orgies with strangers unless you want it to be. I wonder sometimes if I might’ve saved my marriage if I’d been more open to the idea at the time but it was shocking to see him as straight all those years and then to find out that he wasn’t and that he was probably fantasizing about men the whole time he was making love to me.
I was always opposed to it as well but then a friend talked me into reading a book called The Ethical ****, which sounds awful but is on its third printing and I loved that it opened my mind in a way that I felt was beneficial. I’m still not poly, though i have flirted with the idea and especially because I’ve been single for twelve yrs now (I’m a lot older than you!). Anyway, I wasn’t so much suggesting that you become polyamorous as I was suggesting that women with that mindset would be more understanding, but of course that would require more understanding from you as well. Ask yourself this...is it worse to be monogamous and cheat or is it worse to be poly and totally honest? And you can still be in church and do the traditional dinners with family. It’s not like non-stop orgies with strangers unless you want it to be. I wonder sometimes if I might’ve saved my marriage if I’d been more open to the idea at the time but it was shocking to see him as straight all those years and then to find out that he wasn’t and that he was probably fantasizing about men the whole time he was making love to me.
Well, I can tell you a thing or two about poly, since I lived that way for a year. And I read that book, and others, on the subject. I did not leave it behind because of anything moral or whatever, and I maintain that I learned very valuable lessons that will continue to help me have healthy relationships throughout my life, from my involvement with that community.
And THAT, not sleeping with multiple people or actually doing polyamory...getting access to a better toolbox for communication, being ethical and responsible with one's emotions and expectations, and just a lot of human stuff...that's where the lasting value was at. Well, that and a couple of people I dated who wound up being lifelong friends for my husband and I, that is also priceless to me.
But the challenge was mostly one of time and energy management. I already had a lot on my plate, as a full time employee and a parent and everything, so dating multiple people, trying to devote enough time to each connection and everything that mattered in my life at the time, and trying to show up with enough energy to feel like I was giving everyone and everything what they deserved from me....it ended up feeling like too much. It is a whole lifestyle, really. It will never be for everyone, even setting aside any moral or philosophical concerns. And even if jealousy is a non-issue, which is also not possible for everyone... I'm just not cut out to have a booked up Google calendar where half a dozen people are trying to fit into my schedule outside of work. I can't live like that.
I still have friends who are in that community, though. And I saw a funny post on Facebook from one the other day, he said something to the effect of, "I sent my wife off to have a date night with her boyfriend, and she brought me back an amazing steak. Living my best poly life over here!"
Anyhow. I just think it's interesting that a lot of what I learned by doing polyamory will help me be successful in my monogamous marriage, and the benefits and challenges of poly are often not what one would expect.
Unfortunately, I don't think that it's necessarily the direction I'd point the OP in....at least not anytime in the near future. He's got a lot of stuff he really needs to work out on his own, before he makes any commitments to anyone, in my opinion. I'm glad he's got the church support network and the therapy. Reading books couldn't hurt, but polyamory stuff might just confuse him even more at this point, I don't know.
I was always opposed to it as well but then a friend talked me into reading a book called The Ethical ****, which sounds awful but is on its third printing and I loved that it opened my mind in a way that I felt was beneficial. I’m still not poly, though i have flirted with the idea and especially because I’ve been single for twelve yrs now (I’m a lot older than you!). Anyway, I wasn’t so much suggesting that you become polyamorous as I was suggesting that women with that mindset would be more understanding, but of course that would require more understanding from you as well. Ask yourself this...is it worse to be monogamous and cheat or is it worse to be poly and totally honest? And you can still be in church and do the traditional dinners with family. It’s not like non-stop orgies with strangers unless you want it to be. I wonder sometimes if I might’ve saved my marriage if I’d been more open to the idea at the time but it was shocking to see him as straight all those years and then to find out that he wasn’t and that he was probably fantasizing about men the whole time he was making love to me.
I do see what you mean. I often try to use my last relationship as "evidence" that I can be monogamous with a girl, but I know I have to stop. I have been attracted to other guys all my life, but when I was with her, I forgot all about them. She fulfilled me in every way possible, turned me on and I never once thought about another girl or another guy. So that past experience foolishly makes me think I may be able to do that again. The general consensus on this thread is that gay men were never turned on by women in their lives, even when they were "horny teenagers," just like lesbian women were never turned on by men. And I want that sentence I just wrote to be true, because then it means I can still marry a woman. But it's not like I'll get the chance anyway. I met my only girlfriend at 18 out of sheer luck-for the record, we were friends through work for about 10 months before we started dating. I have absolutely zero luck online, so unless I get lucky again like I did with my ex, I'm going to plan out the rest of my life on my own and forget about ever experiencing anything like that again.
I also have determined that I am not attracted to the stereotypical "dream girl" that other guys are. I do not like large breasts and the heavyset, hourglass shape. Unfortunately, while I am not emotionally attracted to girls 16-18, I do prefer their bodies to women in their 20s and 30s (same with guys, to be honest). I do not like completely flat-chested women, but I do prefer youthful skin, long thin legs and small to medium sized breasts. With all the media saying either I'm a pedophile for thinking this way (even though it's that body type I prefer, not the age) or that I'm gay because I don't find "real women" a turn on, I don't really know what to think, or if I'll ever have any luck in the relationship and marriage department.
Well, I can tell you a thing or two about poly, since I lived that way for a year. And I read that book, and others, on the subject. I did not leave it behind because of anything moral or whatever, and I maintain that I learned very valuable lessons that will continue to help me have healthy relationships throughout my life, from my involvement with that community.
And THAT, not sleeping with multiple people or actually doing polyamory...getting access to a better toolbox for communication, being ethical and responsible with one's emotions and expectations, and just a lot of human stuff...that's where the lasting value was at. Well, that and a couple of people I dated who wound up being lifelong friends for my husband and I, that is also priceless to me.
But the challenge was mostly one of time and energy management. I already had a lot on my plate, as a full time employee and a parent and everything, so dating multiple people, trying to devote enough time to each connection and everything that mattered in my life at the time, and trying to show up with enough energy to feel like I was giving everyone and everything what they deserved from me....it ended up feeling like too much. It is a whole lifestyle, really. It will never be for everyone, even setting aside any moral or philosophical concerns. And even if jealousy is a non-issue, which is also not possible for everyone... I'm just not cut out to have a booked up Google calendar where half a dozen people are trying to fit into my schedule outside of work. I can't live like that.
I still have friends who are in that community, though. And I saw a funny post on Facebook from one the other day, he said something to the effect of, "I sent my wife off to have a date night with her boyfriend, and she brought me back an amazing steak. Living my best poly life over here!"
Anyhow. I just think it's interesting that a lot of what I learned by doing polyamory will help me be successful in my monogamous marriage, and the benefits and challenges of poly are often not what one would expect.
Unfortunately, I don't think that it's necessarily the direction I'd point the OP in....at least not anytime in the near future. He's got a lot of stuff he really needs to work out on his own, before he makes any commitments to anyone, in my opinion. I'm glad he's got the church support network and the therapy. Reading books couldn't hurt, but polyamory stuff might just confuse him even more at this point, I don't know.
Yes it’s been my experience as well. It just opened up my mind to the idea that there are other ways to think about love and it doesn’t always have to be either/or and I never went full on poly but then I haven’t really been monogamous with anyone in awhile either. The most interesting thing that happened is that I just got more comfortable in my own skin and I became happier. But yeah, I can see the whole time management thing but I also figure you’re not always seeing someone else outside of your primary relationship. I agree the OP still has things to work out but it doesn’t hurt to throw ideas out there.
I do see what you mean. I often try to use my last relationship as "evidence" that I can be monogamous with a girl, but I know I have to stop. I have been attracted to other guys all my life, but when I was with her, I forgot all about them. She fulfilled me in every way possible, turned me on and I never once thought about another girl or another guy. So that past experience foolishly makes me think I may be able to do that again. The general consensus on this thread is that gay men were never turned on by women in their lives, even when they were "horny teenagers," just like lesbian women were never turned on by men. And I want that sentence I just wrote to be true, because then it means I can still marry a woman. But it's not like I'll get the chance anyway. I met my only girlfriend at 18 out of sheer luck-for the record, we were friends through work for about 10 months before we started dating. I have absolutely zero luck online, so unless I get lucky again like I did with my ex, I'm going to plan out the rest of my life on my own and forget about ever experiencing anything like that again.
I also have determined that I am not attracted to the stereotypical "dream girl" that other guys are. I do not like large breasts and the heavyset, hourglass shape. Unfortunately, while I am not emotionally attracted to girls 16-18, I do prefer their bodies to women in their 20s and 30s (same with guys, to be honest). I do not like completely flat-chested women, but I do prefer youthful skin, long thin legs and small to medium sized breasts. With all the media saying either I'm a pedophile for thinking this way (even though it's that body type I prefer, not the age) or that I'm gay because I don't find "real women" a turn on, I don't really know what to think, or if I'll ever have any luck in the relationship and marriage department.
But I have a little more experience with this than most on this thread and I can tell you that my husband certainly seemed to be turned on by me, and he said that in the beginning he felt that he had a choice but as time wore on the “voice” got more insistent and a lot of what drove that is that he had never tried it and wished that he had. You’re young and while a bit old fashioned in your views there is nothing odd or crazy in what you’re talking about so why not spend some time exploring without actually looking for a partner?
As for that last paragraph, I see nothing wrong with what you said about yourself...everyone has a type and what is a real woman anyway? We’re all on a continuum, for male/female traits and gender preferences, along with just about any human quality you can name and the media is artificial anyway as it’s designed to deliver advertising to the masses. As they say, you do you, and if you’re not hurting anyone or lying to them then pretty much anything goes. And yes, no underaged but you knew that already. Now go have fun and explore.
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