Were most gay men turned on by women when they were younger, or was the attraction just never there? (therapy, college)
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Don't despair. Almost everyone is waiting for covid to have a vaccine so that we can all go out and meet up with people the normal way. This is not normal, we are very social animals, and we're all in the same situation. In the meantime I'm sure you have other goals you want to achieve in life whether career wise or hobby wise.
Guys are far more likely to hook up on a whim than a young woman would.
There is no reason you can't seek out a woman and state that you are bi. All you have to do is find a woman who either accepts sharing you, or, is bi herself. Yes there are guys who are bi that successfully find a woman who is bi herself.
To be honest, and I don’t want you to sugarcoat it, do you even think I am bi based on what I wrote? It’s like I’m in this whirlwind where I convince myself that any “attraction” I have to girls must be fake. And it’s brought me into a deep, major depression where I often feel like I’m going through the motions in life (not in the sense of dating, in the sense of life in general). I do talk to a therapist about this once a week and have been for 6 months, but I still despair at least one or two days a week and feel hopeless.
Yes. Meeting people would really help me get out of this major depression I’ve been in. And some days, it’s not bad at all. I went to my cousin’s straight wedding last Saturday, and while you’d think that would trigger me, I actually was able to have a great time and not give the issue any thought. I have once-in-a-blue-moon days where I’ll determine I’m actually straight and I’ll be the happy and cheerful person I used to be. Other days, I wonder if I can actually get married to a woman I love and be satisfied in every department and not drive myself crazy thinking about guys. My hunch is that I would, and that I would’ve enjoyed the sex if it had gone anywhere with any of the potential dates I’ve had. I mean, the last time I met that girl in the winter, we were fully clothed and the situation was nowhere near sexual, but I felt those tingles as soon as the group we were with sort of dispersed and we were alone. If I hadn’t screwed things up before our first date that caused her to cancel, maybe I’d have a great girlfriend that satisfied me in every way and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Maybe I’d even be preparing to propose to her right now if things moved quickly. But I don’t know for sure. And now that it feels like I’ll have no opportunity to remedy this situation anytime soon. My life just feels like a complete, single dead end where I’ll have no opportunity to ever fix this situation and preserve my stability as much as possible, with any partner.
And also as I said, I’ve had no luck online and given up on it for the time being. I don’t do anything worthwhile that would warrant taking pictures that’ll attract anyone’s attention, and I’ve just decided to give it a break after several months and only 2 conversations (with girls) that ultimately went nowhere. I had a Zoom meeting set with a guy I was talking to on there when I briefly switched my preferences to both genders, but I decided I didn’t want to pursue that and it was too much for me before we set the meeting and I unmatched him. I know this was just my “Catholic wedding and beautiful girlfriend” self talking, but regardless, I will be taking a long break from online dating and at this point, just hoping it “happens” in real life. Not sure what the odds are of me just randomly meeting hopefully someone my age that I immediately click with when I’m surrounded by families and retirees, but who knows anymore. I just hate this whole situation.
It's a bad time now to get out and meet new people or do much of anything. With winter closing in and the holidays coming, maybe it's time to chill for awhile. Spring would be a great time to plan a vacation somewhere. You could do the solo trip or try a meet up group outside Jersey. I'd suggest Florida, because people running around in swimwear, shorts and tee shirts are a pretty relaxed group. You need to take the pressure off yourself in trying to meet new people. This is a better way to let things happen and not worry about conversations that went nowhere and zoom meetings. There is something about warm weather beach states and the islands. You arrive all tense and in your case, wanting to meet someone. After a few days, you start to get tan and have a much more relaxed attitude. Jersey is a closed in place and it's family oriented. You just need to get out of that mindset and try something new, where no one knows anyone else.
I read some of the comments on the Church and it's really more liberal than that. Some of my spouses Jesuit teachers were gay and we both think gay Priest's have a place in the Church. You can make this “Catholic wedding and beautiful girlfriend” dream come true, if that's what you really want.
I am 22 years old, and in the past year, my life has been turned upside down by extreme sexual confusion. Basically, I have been turned on by guys my entire life. Since I was in elementary school, there has been no doubt about it. I have never explored the territory of experimenting with a guy, but I have been turned on by them for a long time. However, I had massive crushes on girls as well in the past, as recently as a few months ago. I will also say that I don’t want to be gay. I love girls romantically, and I am also Catholic and involved in my church. I will not let the Church stop me from living my life as I prefer, but it would be nice to be able to remain in good standing.
I’ve never been attracted to women in any way. What I will admit, is when I was younger, being in gay night clubs having straight women, often friends that I was with, getting flirty with me, particularly after they had a few drinks felt good. It allowed me the experience, although fleeting, to feel “straight,” and not part of a very oppressed, stigmatized minority. It allowed me not to feel that isolation of being gay. I suspect what your going through are the same growing pains many gay guys go through. It feels so much better, to be on the inside, rather than on the outside, looking in. The negative stereotypes so ingrained with gay men in our culture are stubbornly reinforced, and are not very charismatic, and often emasculating, even though we don’t deserve it. Sadly, we are part of an invisible minority, that has allowed heterosexuals to reinforce these stereotypes, when they often don’t even know, or understand us. Consider all the good movies you’ve seen? How many heroic, charismatic male characters have you seen that are gay? Not many. Usually, gay guys are the villains, the joke, someone to fear, or someone to pity, if that. Virtually, almost everybody you see is straight; in books that you read, commercials on tv, sitcoms, movies, billboards, etc. Do you honestly believe all these male movie actors, athletes, politicians, CEO’s, inventors, military officers, etc, are all straight? Consider how many gay male friends you know, that are, at least partially in the closet? Why do you think that is? It’s because of the stigma, and so many of us often find ourselves reluctant to embrace that part of ourselves. Especially, when you combine that with the homophobia if living in a conservative part of the country, with no outlets, or grew up in a religious family. The strain can be overwhelming, and we often only have our gay friends to talk to about it. It’s no secret that gay men may have the highest suicide rates in the world. So, when you consider all these conflicts added when coming to terms of who you are, the journey can be very difficult, and it’s something very few heterosexuals can relate to.
I’ve never been attracted to women in any way. What I will admit, is when I was younger, being in gay night clubs having straight women, often friends that I was with, getting flirty with me, particularly after they had a few drinks felt good. It allowed me the experience, although fleeting, to feel “straight,” and not part of a very oppressed, stigmatized minority. It allowed me not to feel that isolation of being gay. I suspect what your going through are the same growing pains many gay guys go through. It feels so much better, to be on the inside, rather than on the outside, looking in. The negative stereotypes so ingrained with gay men in our culture are stubbornly reinforced, and are not very charismatic, and often emasculating, even though we don’t deserve it. Sadly, we are part of an invisible minority, that has allowed heterosexuals to reinforce these stereotypes, when they often don’t even know, or understand us. Consider all the good movies you’ve seen? How many heroic, charismatic male characters have you seen that are gay? Not many. Usually, gay guys are the villains, the joke, someone to fear, or someone to pity, if that. Virtually, almost everybody you see is straight; in books that you read, commercials on tv, sitcoms, movies, billboards, etc. Do you honestly believe all these male movie actors, athletes, politicians, CEO’s, inventors, military officers, etc, are all straight? Consider how many gay male friends you know, that are, at least partially in the closet? Why do you think that is? It’s because of the stigma, and so many of us often find ourselves reluctant to embrace that part of ourselves. Especially, when you combine that with the homophobia if living in a conservative part of the country, with no outlets, or grew up in a religious family. The strain can be overwhelming, and we often only have our gay friends to talk to about it. It’s no secret that gay men may have the highest suicide rates in the world. So, when you consider all these conflicts added when coming to terms of who you are, the journey can be very difficult, and it’s something very few heterosexuals can relate to.
I do not consider myself a gay man as of now, so I don’t know if you’re talking through my lens as a supposed bi man. I’m not willing to accept that I’m gay because I really don’t think I am. You say you have had no real attractions to women in the past, but I have had them and suspect I will continue to
Have them in the future. I just don’t know where and when.
Why not just have sex with a man so you can see how it works for you. Maybe it will help you find a preference.
Because it’s not that easy to meet people, and I don’t feel comfortable (safety wise) using an anonymous app like Grindr. People say that to me as if it’s just easy to walk out my front door, find a random guy and bring him home.
To be honest, and I don’t want you to sugarcoat it, do you even think I am bi based on what I wrote? It’s like I’m in this whirlwind where I convince myself that any “attraction” I have to girls must be fake. And it’s brought me into a deep, major depression where I often feel like I’m going through the motions in life (not in the sense of dating, in the sense of life in general). I do talk to a therapist about this once a week and have been for 6 months, but I still despair at least one or two days a week and feel hopeless.
I don't know you. I definitely don't know you well enough to judge whether you are bi or gay. But what I think does not matter. What you feel matters.
Why did you cancel the connection on the gay dating site? Grindr? I think you said that name. Is it possible that you got cold feet? Ok, I just read about the safety concern.
Here's the thing about pretty brides, weddings, and pleasing family and church. That day passes and then there is the rest of real life. Daily grind. Both great stuff and boring stuff. Good moments together and arguments. I want you to put aside the photo in your head of you with a pretty bride on your wedding day and imagine her six months later, unshowered, and suffering from a headache and not interested in sex whatesoever, and maybe at that moment you aren't attracted to her, but find her a little repulsive. Just for that moment. Because real life happens. And we're all simply imperfect humans at the end of the day.
Put aside the fantasies of a wedding day, the fantasies of pleasing your family, your church, and what is left inside your true desires?
A woman or a man is just another person. Not diminishing that person. But they are human, flawed, and not meant to fulfill a role, a fantasy, or an image.
So you tell me. Or just tell yourself. Why do you tell yourself that your attraction to women must be fake? Where did that come from? You may have to sit with that question for quite awhile, maybe even many times, to get the answer. Is it a loss of the dream if you don't end up with a life that pleases the church and family?
Or is it you are playing tricks with your own mind because if your attraction to women is fake, that would be so against the church and frightening (or possible exciting) to follow a gay path? Is there a little bit of rebel in you? Or is your attraction to women really weak?
Only you get to decide. That's what is so great about the freedom in our lives, we make the choices.
My point is this. You have a decision to make, or a discovery to find, that needs to be made completely independently of what your family or your church thinks. You, are the one who has to live with your decision if you make the wrong one, so find out your inner truth and follow it, whatever it may be. You must be absolutely sure of your discovery before choosing a partner in life because your discovery affects that person too.
To be honest, and I don’t want you to sugarcoat it, do you even think I am bi based on what I wrote? It’s like I’m in this whirlwind where I convince myself that any “attraction” I have to girls must be fake. And it’s brought me into a deep, major depression where I often feel like I’m going through the motions in life (not in the sense of dating, in the sense of life in general). I do talk to a therapist about this once a week and have been for 6 months, but I still despair at least one or two days a week and feel hopeless.
I hope you're actually discussing this with your therapist and not just skirting around it. One thing to think about is, if you were free to do what you wanted, and you didn't feel like you'd be judged by your family or your church, what would that look like?
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