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Grieving is a normal part of break-up. Sometimes we have to accept our feelings as normal and not panic that we have them. I know this to be true of myself often enough. I have learned to ask myself: Is the sky really falling? Sit still with that thought. No, it is not. Yes, you are alone. I am alone too. But guess what, the sky is not falling, you are not dying, yes you are grieving your loss. Don't take it so much to heart that you decide that if someone breaks up with you that it is necessarily your fault. Maybe that person and you weren't a great fit. Even if you did some things in less than a perfect way of handling them, someone breaking up with you is not reason to attack yourself with questions about that you have some fatal flaw. That is unless there is one that is glaringly obvious, such as abusing someone, or you are an addict or something along those severe lines. There's always two sides to every story and it is quite possible that you subconsciously knew not to get too close to this person. Maybe you sensed something that you were never quite aware of enough to put your finger on it exactly.
Therapy will usually help if the therapist is good, but, learning to like yourself enough to accept yourself as you are is perhaps the biggest gift you could ever give yourself.
It may be that your "abandonment" issue is more a lack of self-esteem and confidence than anything else.
This is good advice, too, OP. You can talk yourself down from your panic attacks. Do a reality check: are you dying, is it the end of the world? You still have your job, your home, your physical security. Take a moment to ground yourself, rather than catastrophizing. Look at the circumstances leading to the break-up or at the relationship in general, and realize it wasn't a good match. It wasn't worth panicking over. Take slow, deep breaths, to calm your mind and tell yourself, everything is all right. Sit with that thought for a few minutes. Breathe. Realize, you're going to be ok.
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Thank you for the kind and encouraging words.
Do you really think this can be resolved?
I mean I understand, on some far away level in my brain that I will with time get a bit mover my ex hopefully. Although currently I am convinced I will never find anyone as good as him. Beyond the crippling current sadness of loosing and feeling as a failure for not making it work, and the anxiety about it and about loneliness, I am also terrified of feeling like this again next time. And getting in the same trouble.
Yes true I am aware I have these issues, but that does not change or diminish the hurt, anxiety and panick I feel, and my fixation on my ex, my desperation for him like if my body is longing for a drug fix. Even though somewhere in my brain I do suspect, or understand that I have these attachment and abandonment issues, this does not change the crippling crisis I am going through due to being left by my partner. And all the usual feelings of being worthless, a failure, losing interest in everything, even the will to live.
It is so tempting to look for a new date or rebound just to feel desired or approved after being rejected, allthough just thinking about other guys hurts deeply because all I want is my ex, so it is a toxic difficult temptation. But could you please remind me of the wisdom of not dating and why that would be better for me? I feel I need some wise explanation/reminder to help against the toxic temptation.
And no I don’t have kids, but I am approaching 40 and I want a family, so now after being left and letting my issues and shortcomings destroy the relation, with a guy I was so into, I feel even more worthless, a failure, and pathetic. And the crippling way I feel after being left by my ex also scares me and makes me feel unfit to even be a mother, which adds to my self loathing and feeling of being a failure.
The best way I think to get past these type of feelings is not from talking to any dr or taking any substance. It's when you help others. Find a way to help others, start by volunteering for 1 hour. There are people sleeping in streets, confined to wheel chairs or beds, hungry...
Also animals and pets need our help. Do you have a dog? or other pet? if not, get one.
Also doing an activity that you enjoy. Like work, gardening, art, etc.
OP: I think you are expecting the relationships to fulfill and define you leaving you feeling the way you do when there is a breakup. Maybe not put so much emphasis on a relationship, and just take a break from relationships for awhile. Could it be the desperation about wanting a family that drives you into these relationships, and maybe drives the other person to leave. There is something about desperation that does not sit well in a developing relationship.
You are investing too much too quickly in hopes of finding someone that will make your dream of a family come true. Would not be correct? And, if so, surely you can see that you have set yourself up for disappointment. Work on other areas of your life and take a relationship vacation. Try to join some groups of people of which you have a common interest. I bet you can do this. Put more emphasis on other areas of your life. And, often a having a family is overrated, and this, I know for a fact.
I have known a few women who became pregnant in their early 40s, some that weren't thrilled about it, others who felt so blessed. Sometimes, we have to adjust or change our dreams due to circumstances beyond our control. One has to learn to push themselves forward and to care about themselves.
You have gotten enough advice about therapy from I can see for you to make a decision about that. I would try to join some online groups, all kinds of groups, where you could talk your issues through. Nothing beats meeting someone that has "been there and done that", and you know that from already expressing your hope of finding someone like that.
Also, try to learn how not to keep choosing the same type of men, and that will probably help the situation. https://www.psychalive.org/relationship_advice/ When I divorced my first husband, a counselor told me she could counsel me on how not to choose the same type of man again. Well, that seemed silly. She was right, although I didn't even realize it, I got pretty much the same man the next time. So, it is valuable info as I have seen many women end up like me with the same problem. I do wonder if you are interested in most in having a baby and feel rushed with being older, which would really burden a relationship in the beginning, or so I would think.
Wishing you a lot of luck in finding your answers and happiness. You are still so young compared to many, ah, to be 40 again. You have a lot of time to work it out!
dont listen to anyones advice unless theyre european and somewhere around your country. American advice is too systematic and corporatized. You live in a place where you can still enjoy a stroll and think about the old world. You will go about your days with joy and pleasure and with that also comes the memory of your former lover and various memories of sorrow. in the US no one really enjoys their days because its all just a highway and shopping centers, so they can naturally forget memories and look more at the inevitability of death and commercialism. But seeing that you will inevitably come up against this sorrow regularly in your EU country as you enjoy your day, you must decide if you have totally investigated the relationship...if its really over. If you haven't fully figured it out, you will think about it endlessly and it will make your days less enjoyable and you will lose another chunk of time
Grieving is a normal part of break-up. Sometimes we have to accept our feelings as normal and not panic that we have them. I know this to be true of myself often enough. I have learned to ask myself: Is the sky really falling? Sit still with that thought. No, it is not. Yes, you are alone. I am alone too. But guess what, the sky is not falling, you are not dying, yes you are grieving your loss. Don't take it so much to heart that you decide that if someone breaks up with you that it is necessarily your fault. Maybe that person and you weren't a great fit. Even if you did some things in less than a perfect way of handling them, someone breaking up with you is not reason to attack yourself with questions about that you have some fatal flaw. That is unless there is one that is glaringly obvious, such as abusing someone, or you are an addict or something along those severe lines. There's always two sides to every story and it is quite possible that you subconsciously knew not to get too close to this person. Maybe you sensed something that you were never quite aware of enough to put your finger on it exactly.
Therapy will usually help if the therapist is good, but, learning to like yourself enough to accept yourself as you are is perhaps the biggest gift you could ever give yourself.
It may be that your "abandonment" issue is more a lack of self-esteem and confidence than anything else.
Thank you for your words.
Yes I understand that I do have a bad self esteem. And somehow I think I repeat my pattern, acting reserved and cold in the beginning, hoping that would make the guy insisting, or maybe that I don’t dare to think he actually is interested to see me that often or that he likes me enough, so I shouldn’t act too clingy too eager. Then it becomes hard for the relation to evolve, we get stuck in a dating mode. I’ve been told this before and yet I repeated myself. I wanted to give him more to get closer but was too afraid and each time I would tell myself later, soon, I will start.
Inside emotionally I was already attached, longing so bad to belong with some, to have someone, and also I was over the heels into him, but he couldn’t know of course.
During the relation I don’t act too clingy or controlling, maybe I even automatically still don’t act in the term of “we” enough, haven’t learned that, I make that mistake often and when they tell me I understand, but it’s just s mistake that I easily do. I think specially in the beginning I act distant and not call or imitate contact enough hoping the guy would, so I know what his pace is and can adjust, being too afraid of making a mistake otherwise. Ironically this way I totally give the wrong impression.
Usually once I get past that and start feeling that the guy is now my boyfriend and committed and I don’t need to tip toe, I get more confidence and don’t stop myself from contacting him or from showing more warmth and feelings. I don’t think I act too clingy or controlling, but inside me, slowly I become too emotionally dependent, longing so much to belong with someone, and for love, companionship and a feeling of security, I become too dependent emotionally. The boyfriend becomes almost how I define myself or view myself in some way, this happens unconsciously of course, but then when the boyfriend breaks up with me, it’s like I get a horrible death sentence, the anxiety and pain are unbearable, and all myself worth disappear when they leave me, nothing seems interesting anymore and I can’t even sleep or eat or work.
I spoke with a therapist and she told me that my reaction is related to events and relation to my parents, and thinking about it now I realize my whole life was almost as if set up and designed to max out my abandonment issues, or more accurately my crippling reaction when abandoned, and my low self esteem.
I can on some level understand this now.
But it does not diminish my feelings.
Every night and morning he is all that is on my mind, I feel I ruined what could have been the best relation of my life, will never find someone this good, and I long for him so much it hurts, like a heroin addiction, complete abstinence crisis. I hate being like this.
I hate that I ruined it. I already asked him to give me a new chance twice, and he said no. I also blame myself for not argumentons and articulating better, when I asked, my panick affected me, in my head I had prepared a more convincing argument but it all went the window because of my panick. He was pretty decided, so no point to humiliate myself further and ask a third time, but god damn it hurts.
Even if I try to tell myself that my strong reaction to being left is irrational, but I can’t tell myself that my longing for him, and my thoughts that he was the one, the best I could ever wish for, an incredible rare chance from heaven, and now I ruined it and it’s gone, i can’t tell myself that these thoughts are not rational.
But yes, I do definitely have problems with my self esteem, dealing with being left by a partner, and daring to believe they are really interested in the beginning, and hence daring to act warm and showing my interest and feelings.
I am tired of compulsively going back in time imagining him and all the painful memories, painful day dreams of him. I am so tired of this pain. I started talking with a therapist about this. I feel like while talking to her I manage to get some rest for my brain from thinking only of him. But as soon as we stop I am back with the pain more or less.
I know I should take a break from dating especially now that no guy would come to even comparison with my ex, so I need more time, more distance, and to work with the therapist.
But I also don’t have neither time or the courage to stay single too long, as loneliness terrifies me and the older I get the harder it is to find someone, and I do want to have my own family, I did just freeze some eggs to win some extra time, but still I don’t feel I have that much time to wait.
I hate being like this, I wish there was some easy way to increase my self esteem. I think also if I had someone else in my life who I had a close and almost daily contact with, calming my loneliness anxiety and maybe making me less vulnerable it might have helped, but all my friends are busy with their boyfriends and families. And it’s hard for me to find people I really click with, to add to my stress.
If you have any stories about your experiences, experiences with others, stories you heard, coping mechanisms, please do continue to share, it does actually calm me a bit for some reason.
Thank you for reading and helping
you probably dont realize that theres someone whos a better match for you than this guy...but somewhere this guy sees that and cant perpetuate the relationship. Thats probably the truth of the matter. You can turn to a dimension that can give you some answers. Open up wordpad or use a real wordpad...and ask the universal force if this guy is the right guy, and through words you can send energy and stuff, vibrations, and find out the truth through writing things out and observing. You need to learn about the dimension beyond thought, beyond words, beyond images, beyond time, beyond knowledge...most importantly beyond faith. Investigation is naturally beyond faith. and then you can get back with this guy or not, but get to the very root of it. Somehow or another the life force is trapped in words...so you need to learn the 'universal language' in order to unleash that dimension. Freedom from knowledge, freedom from the known, total integration, total seeing...search freedom from the known. thats my advice. bless up. actually search first and last freedom
Last edited by arctic_circle decimal; 10-29-2020 at 04:16 AM..
Thank you for your words.
Yes I understand that I do have a bad self esteem. And somehow I think I repeat my pattern, acting reserved and cold in the beginning, hoping that would make the guy insisting, or maybe that I don’t dare to think he actually is interested to see me that often or that he likes me enough, so I shouldn’t act too clingy too eager. Then it becomes hard for the relation to evolve, we get stuck in a dating mode. I’ve been told this before and yet I repeated myself. I wanted to give him more to get closer but was too afraid and each time I would tell myself later, soon, I will start.
Inside emotionally I was already attached, longing so bad to belong with some, to have someone, and also I was over the heels into him, but he couldn’t know of course.
During the relation I don’t act too clingy or controlling, maybe I even automatically still don’t act in the term of “we” enough, haven’t learned that, I make that mistake often and when they tell me I understand, but it’s just s mistake that I easily do. I think specially in the beginning I act distant and not call or imitate contact enough hoping the guy would, so I know what his pace is and can adjust, being too afraid of making a mistake otherwise. Ironically this way I totally give the wrong impression.
Usually once I get past that and start feeling that the guy is now my boyfriend and committed and I don’t need to tip toe, I get more confidence and don’t stop myself from contacting him or from showing more warmth and feelings. I don’t think I act too clingy or controlling, but inside me, slowly I become too emotionally dependent, longing so much to belong with someone, and for love, companionship and a feeling of security, I become too dependent emotionally. The boyfriend becomes almost how I define myself or view myself in some way, this happens unconsciously of course, but then when the boyfriend breaks up with me, it’s like I get a horrible death sentence, the anxiety and pain are unbearable, and all myself worth disappear when they leave me, nothing seems interesting anymore and I can’t even sleep or eat or work.
I spoke with a therapist and she told me that my reaction is related to events and relation to my parents, and thinking about it now I realize my whole life was almost as if set up and designed to max out my abandonment issues, or more accurately my crippling reaction when abandoned, and my low self esteem.
I can on some level understand this now.
But it does not diminish my feelings.
Every night and morning he is all that is on my mind, I feel I ruined what could have been the best relation of my life, will never find someone this good, and I long for him so much it hurts, like a heroin addiction, complete abstinence crisis. I hate being like this.
I hate that I ruined it. I already asked him to give me a new chance twice, and he said no. I also blame myself for not argumentons and articulating better, when I asked, my panick affected me, in my head I had prepared a more convincing argument but it all went the window because of my panick. He was pretty decided, so no point to humiliate myself further and ask a third time, but god damn it hurts.
Even if I try to tell myself that my strong reaction to being left is irrational, but I can’t tell myself that my longing for him, and my thoughts that he was the one, the best I could ever wish for, an incredible rare chance from heaven, and now I ruined it and it’s gone, i can’t tell myself that these thoughts are not rational.
But yes, I do definitely have problems with my self esteem, dealing with being left by a partner, and daring to believe they are really interested in the beginning, and hence daring to act warm and showing my interest and feelings.
I am tired of compulsively going back in time imagining him and all the painful memories, painful day dreams of him. I am so tired of this pain. I started talking with a therapist about this. I feel like while talking to her I manage to get some rest for my brain from thinking only of him. But as soon as we stop I am back with the pain more or less.
I know I should take a break from dating especially now that no guy would come to even comparison with my ex, so I need more time, more distance, and to work with the therapist.
But I also don’t have neither time or the courage to stay single too long, as loneliness terrifies me and the older I get the harder it is to find someone, and I do want to have my own family, I did just freeze some eggs to win some extra time, but still I don’t feel I have that much time to wait.
I hate being like this, I wish there was some easy way to increase my self esteem. I think also if I had someone else in my life who I had a close and almost daily contact with, calming my loneliness anxiety and maybe making me less vulnerable it might have helped, but all my friends are busy with their boyfriends and families. And it’s hard for me to find people I really click with, to add to my stress.
If you have any stories about your experiences, experiences with others, stories you heard, coping mechanisms, please do continue to share, it does actually calm me a bit for some reason.
Thank you for reading and helping
You blame yourself, but I have a strong feeling that if you felt safe with him, if you truly felt deep down he was emotionally invested, you wouldn't have felt the need to hold back. The fact you compare him to a "heroin addiction" says to me this was not the beginnings of a healthy relationship, but a repeat of a pattern in which you fall for guys who are not emotionally available to you.
From someone who has no idea what you're going through, I still want to say I'm sorry you're going through this & I wish you true contentment someday.
Some kind of good therapy/counseling & surrounding yourself w/caring, kind, supportive, genuine people are the main things I can say.
Also, other suggestions that I'd do:
- Do you have a higher power who you pray to like God? Pray for Him to bless & heal you emotionally & make you grow strong
- Get a pet to help you through it all. They truly do enhance life!
- Meditate & exercise. It's very beneficial in general
- Have as much fun in life as possible. Do things that make you happy (foods, activities, hobbies, movies, TV, etc.)
I really blame myself for screwing this up. For not dating to be more open, not daring to be myself and in alignment with how I really felt.
Outline how you would function in a normal date, where you would be more open, more yourself, and aligned with how you really feel. Plan an evening/night of how you would create a soulful environment with him, where you act without consideration of your past and impediments, and move with comfortable enjoyment. Finally, call him and let him know it is one night you want him to commit to, and tell him you are orchestrating every aspect of the date. Take him for a meal, go for a walk afterwards, find other entertainment, and bring him home. Set the mood for who you want to be and what you want to do, and like a game of golf, follow through.
My guess is this is completely out of how things have gone thus far, but you are creating the change. Take full control of the night and all events to take place. Let him see you for who you are and how you can function. Let him make his decision for the future based on how the night plays out. He has nothing to lose, and neither do you.
Stop focusing on what has happened and who else this has happened to. Move into the future of who you want to be, and give yourself and him that gift.
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