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I have just realized that i have abandonment issues, every time a partner decides to leave me I feel like I am about to die. I get so much anxiety I can’t breath, so depressed I can’t manage daily things and I have no will to live or any interest in any thing, and I feel beyond worthless. I can’t focus on anything, and this lasts every time for a very long time, almost a year!
Now it just happened again, and this time it was just a short relation just 4 months.
I also realized that I have attachment issues, I get attached too fast too strongly, at the same time i am so insecure he doesn’t feel as strong or to show i am too interested, i keep my distance, which this time led to him leaving. As usual I pleaded for another chance and tried to explain my weaknesses and that I will be better, to no help of course.
I keep on going back in my head wishing I could go back in time, fix things, enjoy moments I will never have again, and my brain is now convinced that I will never meet someone as good.
I blame myself so much for mistakes I’ve done not showing how warm and interested I really was.
I already take anti depressants and anti anxiety pills, I talk to a psychologist, deep breathing and meditation. Doesn’t help.
When talking to my psychologist I realized pretty much my life consist of several abandonment traumas and insecurities.
I realize that I have no self esteem when it comes to relations, specially if I get dumped.
I had just got over some other family traumas and started feeling better, than this happened.
I feel I can’t get a break.
I am also panicking because I am approaching 40 and I want to have a family.
Anyone having any issues like these? Or know anyone having these issues?
Will I ever be able to not feel this way when left by a partner?
I can’t continue living like this!
OP, look for psychotherapists in your area; do a Google search. Study their websites, and see if you find something that resonates with you. You could even Google "abandonment issues" along with "psychotherapist". Also, "childhood trauma therapists". These are deep issues; we can't help you resolve them. But a skilled therapist can. If there's trauma, look for therapists who offer the technique "EMDR". They can be quite good with this sort of thing. If you can't afford to pay out of pocket, look at your health insurance coverage, to see what type of therapist they'll pay for.
Thank you for your reply!
I did all that, and I am trying to get started with therapy for abandonment issues. But I worry it might take years before any results, if any.
I feel so alone, I’d love to hear experiences of others with this, or even if anyone has experience of others having these issues, or as a therapist. I’ve had so much other traumas and losses in my life I really feel my heart can’t take this too.. I feel like a complete pathetic failure and want to give up.
Thank you for your reply!
I did all that, and I am trying to get started with therapy for abandonment issues. But I worry it might take years before any results, if any.
I feel so alone, I’d love to hear experiences of others with this, or even if anyone has experience of others having these issues, or as a therapist. I’ve had so much other traumas and losses in my life I really feel my heart can’t take this too.. I feel like a complete pathetic failure and want to give up.
Haha, you're not a complete pathetic failure; you're just human, that's all.
Choose your therapist carefully. With a good therapist, it won't take years and years. But the old-fashioned kind, who just sit there for an hour like a bump on a log, taking notes, while you're supposed to keep up a monologue the entire time, won't do you any good. Ask what techniques they use to resolve trauma, ask how they help clients overcome abandonment issues, ask them to what extent they interact with the client during the session, and whether they assign "homework", along with any other questions you may have, then compare answers among the therapists you spoke with. Some therapists do nurturing work, like role-playing, where they take the role of a loving parent, and may offer you hugs and support you never got as a child, for example. That can be a very powerful form of therapy.
So take your time in evaluating your options, before you make a commitment to any one therapist. You may have to have an introductory session with a few, to better evaluate them. That's when they would go into detail about their methods, and they may ask you some questions, to get an idea of whether you, as a patient, would be a good fit for them.
Haha, you're not a complete pathetic failure; you're just human, that's all.
Choose your therapist carefully. With a good therapist, it won't take years and years. But the old-fashioned kind, who just sit there for an hour like a bump on a log, taking notes, while you're supposed to keep up a monologue the entire time, won't do you any good. Ask what techniques they use to resolve trauma, ask how they help clients overcome abandonment issues, ask them to what extent they interact with the client during the session, and whether they assign "homework", along with any other questions you may have, then compare answers among the therapists you spoke with. Some therapists do nurturing work, like role-playing, where they take the role of a loving parent, and may offer you hugs and support you never got as a child, for example. That can be a very powerful form of therapy.
So take your time in evaluating your options, before you make a commitment to any one therapist. You may have to have an introductory session with a few, to better evaluate them. That's when they would go into detail about their methods, and they may ask you some questions, to get an idea of whether you, as a patient, would be a good fit for them.
Good post.
OP, I think you know your problem. And I think you know you need to do work on yourself. So I want to encourage you to go down that path. Find a good therapist. Embark on this difficult journey. Other things in your life will fall into place.
Thank you for your reply!
I did all that, and I am trying to get started with therapy for abandonment issues. But I worry it might take years before any results, if any.
I feel so alone, I’d love to hear experiences of others with this, or even if anyone has experience of others having these issues, or as a therapist. I’ve had so much other traumas and losses in my life I really feel my heart can’t take this too.. I feel like a complete pathetic failure and want to give up.
been there. i used to be writhing in misery for love, and so fearful of losing it when i had it, i ruined it, and when i lost it, id wail, go into a deep depression, basing all my self worth on his desire for me.
daddy issues and abandonment issues. just knowing it is power. u can say im feeling this because i am self loathing, and have xxx issues. its untrue and i have the power to put my mind elsewhere and focus on me.
maturity helps. not giving a thought about what others think of u, therapy, self help. boom
Thanks for your reply! How long did it take you to get better? And what sort of therspy did you have? How long after a breakup would you stay devastated ?
I realize I have issues but that doesn’t diminish the anxiety, regret and crisis I feel over loosing him, blaming myself, feeling he was the best I could have. It’s like my emotions are disconnected from my brain, and my brain is also too overwhelmed by anxiety, regret and panick over looosing him. I try to tell myself, but the feelings just take over and cripple me.
How did you manage the pain? Any tips?
I feel so worthless, indeed placing my worth based on him wanting me or not,
maybe your real vital interest in life is to find a perfect relationship...its not my vital interest but it seems that it is the vital interest for some people. The age we're living in is frustrating because we have a lot of time to reflect on our regrets and go through them endlessly. Technology is also making people more separated in society, and obviously the latest virus thing happening in the media isnt helping. In a lot of ways the age we're living in is very gloomy. If you live in a city or part of the world that is full of disorder then that makes it even more difficult to stay afloat or meet people. I would take some time to do things that are really healthy so that you are ready for more time to go by before you meet someone new. For example drink cups of green tea and take some vitamins or something...and walk through fields. Also I wouldn't give up talking to this last guy if you think he is the right person for you. Its good to investigate things to the very end, even if we have to embarrass ourselves somewhat in the process. The thing that makes everything easier is seeing that our reality is really rooted in division still, as countries are divided from one another and all other kinds of divisions exist...so no matter what our life will never be that great. Physical separation and division from what we cherish may be something we will come to know to well in this life. You can start do bridge those gaps psychologically but you probably should really investigate for yourself if its over between you and this guy...then start walking through meadows and fields and connecting to things that are universal and produce some kind of vibration that will make you feel more connected to the earth and stuff. And then as you go deeper into those vibrations the perfect person will be more likely to come along, as you are more sensitized and happy. what part of the world are you in..?
wait a second I have some actual advice...we use relationships as a mirror to learn about ourselves. But intimate relationships are just one such relationship. You can use this time to find more ways to get a mirror to yourself. You can be related to different things...people, property, ideas. I would buy a piano or a keyboard if you have money. Thats a good thing to start that gives you a mirror to yourself as you keep practicing. If you put all of your eggs into the intimate relationship...well maybe thats something that you want to do still. But you can find other ways to get a mirror to yourself when intimacy goes sour
Yes having close people in life does sooth a bit when I get shattered and go through the crisis cycle of abandonment. It would have been even more horrible if I was all alone with no one to call. But I also feel I don’t have anyone in my life who I am close enough that we speak on a daily basis, that I can call as soon as something happened or just to chat daily or semi daily. Friends busy with their lives, children and work.
I have felt alone and abandoned for such a huge portion of my life, and feared loneliness and isolation cause it has been torture, and I have low esteem which really shatters bad when I partner leaves me. I wish i didn’t hurt so bad. I already have been hurting for so long before, so many traumas, and no i have to deal with this too.
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