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I tried to think of things in terms of ranking, but I couldn't decide. in the end I just thought of a period when I was feeling alone doing the bare minimum needed to survive, just eating and sitting in my room, feeling alone and helpless.
One day a really good friend of mine moved to Germany(where I live) after not seeing me for two years and I started crying as we talked about the past few years and she turned to my other friends and told them shocked "what have you done to him?" as she embraced me.
It was as if a huge weight was lifted from my shoulder. After that I began slowly finding my old cheerful self again.
So I guess for me it's losing yourself.
That's beautiful!
I would say:
Losing your parents (especially mother), not just when young, but at any age, because no one loves you like your mom. In some cases, no one loves you BUT your mom! And when you're older, you actually realize it...
Losing a child or, barring a child, a pet is very hard because they are entirely dependent upon you, and so -- no matter how it happens -- you ultimately feel responsible for that.
Losing a job (involuntarily) is hard because so often our identities are wrapped up in what we do and it severs us from our familiar life and the normal world.
Losing a relationship through a breakup rather than death is harder because it's a rejection and/or failure.
But I would have to agree losing yourself is worst of all.
I was asking to rank losses from your perspective or experience, not necessarily in general for everyone.
Well, maybe yes, maybe no but at the very least, one should realize that in certain occupations they are probably going to face very hard emotional losses and probably even worse, since it is not "personal to them", there won't be many around to comfort their feelings of loss.
Like when.......one of my troopers attempted suicide. Two days later,they were out of the hospital, enjoying life, off with their friends. For all the emotional energy I spent in that 48 hours, I suddenly felt like (in my imagination visuary style) ..... "a fighter bomber (say a TSR-2) up at 50K feet, engines out and windmilling, nose down, looking for a place to set down.". I was alone with no one to turn to.
That’s the thing, loss impacts our lives in different ways and comparing loss does a disservice to everyone. Imagine being told your loss isn’t as meaningful as someone else’s because their loss is worse. I worked many years as a grief counselor and saw this kind of marginalization and how it impacted those who were grieving.
Yeah, that was my point re: perspective; and most importantly, one's ability to accept loss (rather than deny) and move forward, particularly knowing loss is part of life.
I would guess (though I could be wrong) most people do not consult with a 'grief counselor' or a therapist of any sort. I never did, and neither did my (long ago) ex-girlfriend (at the loss of our child). For most people, support from friends/family is usually sufficient; and some folks may find comfort in their religious beliefs. That too, however, depends upon one's circumstances.
Agreed comparing loss is irrelevant (and a disservice) to one's own psychological health, as is listening to toxic people (as you mention).
It's really circumstantial. I wasn't sad at all when any of my grandparents died. I guess I knew they were suffering, but I wasn't seeing them day in and day out so I didn't really observe it firsthand, and also I was never particularly close to them.
My parents are still alive, and I don't have kids (and I doubt I will, though my little brother probably will), so I haven't experienced the loss of a human who was really close to me. The most grieving I've done has been when my family's pets over the years have died.
To me, the loss of a job is totally not in the same category as the others. I've had a lot of coworkers I've liked, but not many that I've actually been friends with, and those that I have I still talk to. A job is a way to support myself, first and foremost, not something I really sink emotional investment into. Of course there still might be the fear, anger, and guilt about what I did wrong to lose the job, and that can apply to bad breakups as well, but I think of that as separate from the loss itself.
One thing that goes with the "loss of self" idea expressed earlier - I guess I would define it as being a "loss of hope". This is probably what causes a lot of drug abuse, because you're looking to escape your current circumstance; taken to an extreme, it is probably a leading cause of suicide as well. Obviously, there may be links to clinical depression, but yet, it can be separate from that as well. But it is heavily psychological.
One has to wonder, "What is the source of happiness?" One component of happiness is the current state of things in your life - the Usual Suspects are whether you have friends, good health, an ability to earn a comfortable living (hopefully doing something you enjoy and find meaning in), and have people in your life you love (hopefully, who love you back). But the "trajectory" of your life is also a large contributor, if your life is continuously improving, you are more likely to be hopeful, and receptive to things that are likely to happen in the future. If your life is all decline, even if you are currently very comfortable, you're not nearly as likely to look forward to the future, and may be unhappy because of it. You could even be in a set of unfavorable circumstances in your life currently - but if you believe things are going to get better in the future, that provides hope, which in turn will provide some level of happiness. Even if one knows his time on earth is coming to an end, as long as he or she feels their life has been meaningful, and met some purpose they hold in high regard - an example may be a soldier going into a battle they know they are unlikely to live through - if they believe their life is being spent toward an idea they support that is "bigger than they are" - then they are much more likely to die "happily" than if the reverse were true. I believe one of the highest burdens one can shoulder is the idea that their life has had no meaning.
For instance, in the movie "Papillion", Steve McQueen plays a prisoner in French Guyana. During a particularly harsh stretch of isolation and brutality, he has a dream (maybe a vision) where he walks across a desert or beach, toward a group of well-dressed people sitting at a table - it is obvious this is a tribunal of sorts (similar to the Christian concept of Judgment Day, but the scene is secular). The spokesperson reads from a scroll of some kind, and states, "Papillion: you are accused of leading a wasted life. How do you plead?". The prisoner looks down, thoughtfully, and then looks his accuser in the eyes and simply says, "Guilty". Very powerful scene in a good movie, the world was a better place when it had Steve McQueen in it.
Anyway, maybe I'm focusing too much on the idea of "happiness", but it is important enough to the human condition that our Founding Fathers specifically called it out in the Declaration of Independence (Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of.....you know) as three examples of the Inalienable Rights of all people. You can lose things in your life that have provided you with happiness, and in fact, it's inevitable that everyone will, I've come to the realization that life is largely about managing loss. But if you lose hope, then all is indeed lost to you.
Chalk this up to 5 AM rambling, but it's better than mopping the kitchen floor, LOL.
But if you lose hope, then all is indeed lost to you.
It isn't so much about 'hope' since the person has already died (or is no longer in one's life). Grief is simply resolving sadness from a cognitive and behavioral standpoint i.e. acceptance. Everyone comes to this point in their own way/at their own pace (and a few may never get there), which is the very essence of why we rank 'hardest emotional issues in life' individually and personally. In other words, one's psychological health is a significant factor.
Last edited by CorporateCowboy; 11-11-2020 at 08:20 PM..
Reason: typo
It isn't so much about 'hope' since the person has already died (or is no longer in one's life). Grief is simply resolving sadness from a cognitive and behavioral standpoint i.e. acceptance. Everyone comes to this point in their own way/at their own pace (and a few may never get there), which is the very essence of why we rank 'hardest emotional issues in life' individually and personally. In other words, one's psychological health is a significant factor.
I wasn't speaking to a person losing "self" due to the loss of a loved one, it can be a separate and distinct phenomenon, although losing someone or something you love can no doubt make it worse. In Austin Powers, it was the loss of his "mojo" that was his undoing. Native Americans referred to it as their losing their "medicine". For us in the modern west, maybe it's a combination of lack of confidence, a history of "losing" - the opposite of King Midas, where it seems like everything you touch turns to scat. In True Grit, Tom Cheney remarks "Everything is agin' me!" and believed it.
You're correct, it's all about psychological health. But once you believe yourself to be a "loser", you lose hope in the future. And that's a true "loss of self" that a previous poster identified, and makes one susceptible to choosing something like heroin not so much because it makes you feel good, but because it prevents you from feeling bad. Escaping from pain is probably a more powerful motivator than seeking pleasure.
You're correct, it's all about psychological health. But once you believe yourself to be a "loser", you lose hope in the future.
Point being, it's not about 'losing hope' (relative to your earlier post), as that would be indicative of poor psychological health in and of itself (obviously) as in a state of depression or possibly, obsession i.e. they can't think of anything else.
In actuality, the resolution has more to do with simple acceptance i.e. loss (and sadness) is part of (everyone's) life; but so is happiness, laughter, and relevance.
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