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This. A couple of times when I was very close I had concocted this romantic vision of how and where I'd carry it out. Calling anyone to threaten suicide was never part of the vision. I didn't want to talk at all, just disappear. No public spectacles. The one thing I couldn't wrap my brain around was how to carry out the plan without involving anyone else. Bush pilot, outfitter, airline employee, someone to take care of my animals, even friends, relatives, or co-workers who might feel they "should have known". The thought that any of these innocents would realize they had played a part in a suicide and the horror they would feel dragged me back from the brink.
All of what I wrote about my own personal feelings regarding suicide and my own experiences aside, I also am fully aware and very, very grateful that I always had a mother, a father, family, friends, and well, an entire neighborhood and community that loved and supported me from infancy.
Of course, life wasn't perfect and my father in particular could be a royal pain at times having depressive issues of his own that manifested itself in its own ways, but that security and lack of abandonment issues isn't someone everyone is fortunate enough to have had. In so many ways, I've always stood and been carried on the shoulders of giants.
From what she's shared with us over the years, Fluffy did not have any of that as a child; toss into that mix of feeling unloved and unwanted as a child a husband who sees everything in black and white and who can be pure id rather than generous and empathetic....well, that's a tough rough to have hoed. And that is where I can admire her ability to have carried on even when walking that razor's edge between going on living and tossing herself into a grave.
So to get back to phone calls from spouses...when my former husband and I were still married and he was going down the rabbit hole of alcoholism and deep despair, there was one night where he simply disappeared. He would talk and text, but would not tell me which hotel he'd holed himself up in for that night. He didn't threaten suicide, but reading between the lines, it was easy to tell that he was close to ending his life. The words need not always be there in order to read one's intent. Keeping him on the line, I drove to every single hotel and motel in the area in which we lived; searching the parking lots for his truck. I called his parents so when he'd hang up with me, he'd talk to them.
We got through that night (never did find out where he'd gone), but after that, fearing that he'd harm himself while I was at work, my mother-in-law (MIL #2--not his birth mother who had died) and I would take turns watching him in shifts, with her coming early in the morning so that I could leave for work and me adjusting my work schedule so that I could be home in the afternoon to take over. After a few weeks of that, I came home one afternoon to find him gone to stay with his parents as he still was able to, even in the depths of his depression, still worry about the toll his care was taking on me. That's the sort of man who I married and the sort of couple that we were. The caring..it never quite went away even if the marriage itself did. As I wrote, I've been a lucky one.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 11-19-2020 at 05:35 PM..
I agree & it's mentla torture for any loved ones who are the individuals they keep telling it to. I read from somewhere long, long ago that when they keep threatening suicide, it's really a cry for help & they don't really want to go through w/ it. If they really wanted to do it, they would have just done it.
I don't think that's a safe assumption at all. It's not uncommon for people to build up gradually to a genuine suicide attempt.
That said, sometimes you do have to disembark from another person's emotional roller coaster for the sake of your own well-being, especially if they're engaging in behaviors that are also potentially harmful to you. And of course there are occasional situations where a person is deliberately coercive about it (e.g. a significant other who says they'll kill themselves if you leave them) which is unkindness that one is not obliged to tolerate.
I've teetered on that edge from time to time in the past (no longer do I feel that way); there were a few times that the only thing staying my hand was thinking about how killing myself would have affected others.
Yeah, I had a very low point that was a combination of a major depressive episode and difficult circumstances, where I came quite close. I just could not come up with an effective plan that didn't cause serious problems/trauma for anyone else, and I wasn't willing to drag someone else down with me. I suppose if my mental state and/or situation had been worse, that concern might not have been enough, but in this case it presented enough of a speedbump that it gave me pause, and during that pause, things improved enough for me to decide to keep going.
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P.S. I'm glad that you were able to get through that dark time in your life, Fluffy.
Ditto!
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Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness
According to Dolores Cannon, the act of suicide itself puts the soul on a different trajectory.
Suicide is a myth of escape. It's impossible to escape yourself, bottom line.
Eh, I don't really believe in an immortal soul. If this idea causes people to get help rather than end their lives, that's good, but I don't believe that any of the people I cared for who have taken their own lives are currently on a "different trajectory" than any other deceased person. They're at rest.
Ending a life prematurely is a loss of all the opportunities continued life offers - it's a cliche that "where there is life, there's hope," but I do believe that - and that's why suicide is sad. Not because the person is doomed after death.
I would like to know a "normal" reaction to the imminent suicide of a supposed loved one. What would you do?
OP, are you reliving your spouse's reaction? If so, why? In multiple threads, you've already outlined the type of person he is. He's not going to change. Knowing this, you have to determine how you're going to live the best life you can live.
I would like to know a "normal" reaction to the imminent suicide of a supposed loved one. What would you do?
ROLL THE FIRE ENGINES!
Basically in life, it is better to have an asset present and not need it than to need it and not have it.
A lesson I realized when I was a Provost Marshal and was a few minutes behind in reaching that conclusion. It didn't turn out tragically but it is the lesson of life I hold to this day.
A and B. A: So stated. B: I am the kind of person that if you ask for help, I am not going to second guess you. I am going to send that help.
Fluffy, I'm sorry you went through all that and felt so horribly low. You say this incident happened in August 2018. So I'm wondering why this is a question now about how your husband reacted? Why are you going back to this bad time now? You know that he is who he is, and you've made choices about living separate lives going forward (albeit on the same property). Why are you asking for others' input on this now? It seems that this is something that you might have processed by now, and digging up old hurts to ruminate over at this time when we are somewhat isolated by Covid is probably not helpful to you. I want to say this in as non-judgemental way as possible, are you seeing a therapist that you can talk this out with?
You know that he's on the autism spectrum, and that autistic people don't react or experience emotions the way "regular" people do. What people on a forum would do is not the same as what he would do. I'm really sorry he was so little help in your time of need. It's hard to let go of hurts, but there is a time to let go. I catch myself dredging up the old hurts from my first marriage/divorce (over 20 years ago!) and I have to consciously cut myself off and tell myself to stop it. No way to change the past, and my dredging it up is just me wallowing in bitterness. I don't want to be that person, and I don't think you do either.
Last edited by TheShadow; 11-20-2020 at 10:49 AM..
Study consciousness...Maybe some energy persists but if my pain is gone then my pain is gone...Are we talking physics, psychology, or philosophy? I'm talking about the pain of daily existence that some people experience to a very extreme degree - this is not an academic discussion.
I agree & it's mentla torture for any loved ones who are the individuals they keep telling it to. I read from somewhere long, long ago that when they keep threatening suicide, it's really a cry for help & they don't really want to go through w/ it. If they really wanted to do it, they would have just done it.
Maybe, maybe not. But you admit it is a cry for help...and some people kill themselves accidentally - isn't that worth preventing?
Others are just "bad" at killing themselves or don't do enough research - even people with guns sometimes mess it up.
Now, if someone is unsuccessful, I guess that means they're okay and we don't need to bother with them? Either you're successful (dead) and there's nothing to be done...or you're unsuccessful but because you lived you weren't in enough pain to do yourself in so you don't deserve help either?
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