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Good evening everyone. I hope you are all doing well. Honestly, it's up and down for me. Throughout life, I struggled with the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome, and family dysfunction that only worsened in my adolescence(parents fought alot before divorcing again, sister has attempted suicide several times). Currently I'm even studying for the exam for my EMT license and preparing to move out on my own to another city, to get away from the family mess and figure myself out. I'm 20 years old, a guy and my social skills are now at a level where I finally feel normal. I should be looking forward to things like new friends, dating, and so on yet part of my past still eats at my conscience at times, wracking me with guilt. It's been 4 years, I try to move past it but it still hurts hard at times...
This was back when I was 15/16 in 10th grade going into 11th. There was a girl(no I didn't like her romantically believe it or not) who I had Geometry and English with. We started talking in English, since we both liked to contribute to group discussions and had some common interests. Though towards the end of 10th grade and the start of summer, she didn't really talk to me much, and she even seemed a bit depressed at times. I talked to our English teacher about it since she's one of those teachers people like to go to for advice. She talked to my friend and then told me that my friend was upset over some bad things she has been experiencing at school.
So before I get onto this next part, let me just say that I regret this and had no bad intentions but I know full well I didn't handle this part well. So as I mentioned in the past I have Asperger's Syndrome which means I may do some things which are socially inappropriate not out of intent but I don't quite grasp social norms, but none of that is an excuse. So in the last week of school I gave her my phone# and email so she could contact me. But i didn't hear from her for the first few days of summer(she had said she'd text me, so maybe I was impatient), so I got a little paranoid, assuming she must have forgot them or something. I ended up finding her dad's # off the internet and texted him asking her to contact me(yes,he was a bit weirded out and I think I said she was my only friend or something), emailing our geometry teacher asking her to pass on my contact info to her. I know that was too much and while I wasn't trying to be a stalker that sure wasn't a good way to go about it. She did email me telling me that that was alot and was abit pissed. I apologized and offered to leave her alone but she said we could move past that. I told her that I hope she didn't think I was suicidal, she said she didn't (remember this). This was during the summer and things were fine for a bit, until August...
I got an email from her with her phone number(we had just been emailing) and she asked if I could do something for her. I texted her and this is basically what she told me she was planning:
-She was going to go from where she lives now, she moved during the summer to live with her mom, to another city by the train/bus alone, by herself. Her parents don't know and neither does anyone else aside from me, her therapist, and maybe a small other amount of people I'm not sure. But her parents she definitely didn't want aware, even saying that if her therapist does tell her dad before she goes, she doesn't care because she doesn't live with him.
-She's going there to meet some person she specified as a male. This isn't someone she has romantic intentions with, because I asked her if this was a boyfriend or an ex and she said no. She also said this wasn't anything illegal.
-What she had wanted me to do was to be a backup contact in case something happened to her. I had agreed at first. I asked her if she could text me periodically so i know she's alright, but she then said that she doesn't want to make this guy ''more suspicious''. She also said she isn't 100% sure if this was a good idea.
-This was on a Saturday, and when I had agreed to be her back up contact, she was grateful. Nothing big, but did appreeciate it and even said ''(my name), if no one ever said you're awesome, you're awesome,'' the next day on Sunday she texted me saying she doesn't want me in her plan anymore because this seemed too much for me and that it was her business and not to tell anyone else.
Now this was where I began to feel this was actually a bad idea. My friend was a young, small-framed petite, 16 year old who's traveling from one city to another to meet some guy who seems not really safe, and she's doing this alone without her own parents knowledge. Knowing that this could result in the typical missing girl scenario you see on the news all the time, I decide to tell someone.
I emailed our old English teacher telling her I urgently needed to talk to her at lunch. The reason for telling my English teacher instead of my mom was because my mom isn't one of those parents that i real strict with me and knows everything I'm doing and i felt she would overreact. Frankly I don't tell either of my parents things like this because with all the bull**** between them I don't look to them for much.I knew I had to tell someone, and my teacher like I said gives decent advice and considering how my friend had talked to her she could shed some light on this. I showed her the texts and explained to her , and while she couldn't tell me what my friend had talked about with her, she did say that this was related to what my friend told her and that she might have an idea of where she was going.
She ended up asking a school counselor and all she could end up doing was filing a report to CPS(she had to do it before after my friend had talked to her. She said my friend isn't experiencing physical or sexual abuse, but something is going on. Her parents aren't causing it but they re not preventing it either. My teacher said it was hard to explain what it was especially since my friend didn't even give her much detail.
I hadn't heard from my friend two days since that Sunday, and i had called, left voicemails, emailed, and texted saying i was really worried(looking back it was kinda excessive). She finally got back at me on the Wednesday of that week, with a voicemail saying that she doesn't need my help, she's ''fine'' and to talk about something else.
We later argued over texts and here's what she told me since she lives in her new city (it's a higher risk area) she's always at risk anyway and she has her phone, charger, pepper spray, an app that alerts whether or not she made it to her location. She also has a nail polish that changes color if a drink has been tampered with, and that her that city wasn't as bad as her new one. She can take care of herself.
I then told her how i had showed our old teacher our texts and she texted back asking why I did that and tried to call me but I panicked and turned off my phone. She left a voice mail saying that if I was really being ''noble and considerate'' that I would have looked at things from her perspective and not told someone when she asked me not to, and left a text saying something like ''alright, as long as you get to feel like a freaking saint or whatever.''
So then after I gave us a few days to cool off, we talked on the phone and she said that she does have common sense and that between what i did during summer, I do too much and told me her parents are strict and don't let her go anywhere by herself and they don't know because they would try to stop her. She did say she appreciated my concern, but also said the reasons she told me initially was because I wasn't an adult/authority figure who could stop her and even if I tried to talk her out of it she wouldn't care. I told her I don't want her to think I'm a bad person and she says we'll get better and that was that. She also mentioned that her parents being strict their judgement can't always be trusted. About two hours later, I texted her with some things I forgot to say and that while I did have questions, she could answer them when she felt ready. I also mentioned that I myself get frustrated with parents thinking they know everything(which I do). Big f*** mistake. She texted not to talk about this anymore and stop trying to relate to her because I don't get it. She even straight up says that she never said the guy WASN'T dangerous, she didn't know his intentions but to just stop and stay out of it.
After that, I had let it go for a bit, but then sent an email which was honestly pretty cringey looking back. The TL;DR of it was that I basically pointed out every nuance of why I thought this was a bad idea and even threw in some self righteous stuff about being a friend or yesman. Again, I didn't have bad intentions but that doesn't mean what I went about things perfectly. She responded saying how it was rude, unnecessary how I was hell bent on being a savior of some sort(she wasn't really wrong) and basically a repeat of what she said about how she would have to go on her own anyway and there's always risk. She also said people shouldn't assume she's as helpless as they think she is since it's discouraging, and how there's risk with everything everywhere. She also added at the end I should stop for my own sake before she ''did or said something mean.'' Maybe I should have listened.
I said I wasn't imply those things about her, but she said I did even if I didn't say so directly, and she also asked that if I cared that ''it freaking sucked and might have offended me?'' We went back to small talk emails but then I sent an email saying I wasn't implying all those things about her and how I felt this whole thing had strained our friendship. I didn't hear from her for almost two months and I did end up informing her dad of what she was planning. But let me just say I eventually found I knew I might've royally ****ed up. BADLY. Because during these two months I had tried to call and message her several times(which probably wasn't a good idea) and then I even emailed on 2 different accounts and she eventually replied.
Long story short, she said she didn't care about my feelings or my ''duty'' to do what's right and that we were never friends, and that she was giving me a chance because her dad was worried I would kill myself, and basically went off on me for continuing to get involved, calling me a ''crazy'' and a ''stalker'' and how her therapist was already going to tell her dad. She let a couple things slip about her dad calling her ''crazy like her mom'' and ''stupid'' and trying to "put her on a leash" and she didn't care what he had to say, but told me to stay out of it or she would get the police involved.
I then said sorry and asked if we could move past this, but she said no and to never contact her again in any way or risk police intervention, and that she was blocking my number and emails and to stop trying to contact her. She also said how we were never friends because friends don't do things like I did in the beginning and not to contact her father again and I had become more stalkerish, and she didn't want to hear from me again.
With this being over 4 years ago, I know I should have moved past it. TBH it doesn't feel bad all the time but it still hits me at times. Looking back, I do know the way I phrased some things was condescending, I definitely crossed boundaries in the beginning and was overbearing and there was no doubt about that. But I guess some things on her end were still confusing, and I guess I wrestle with that and question whether or not I'm a good person. Part of this could be due to still not really having any friends still, and the pandemic hasn't made that easier. Perhaps there is still a hole that needs to be filled, I don't know...
Look, I know it is painful sometimes when you realize mistakes you did but you couldn't have known better with the information you had.
The past is the past and now you take control of your own life and make decisions for yourself and let others make decisions for themselves. The only thing you can do is offer your perspective. Sadly if someone is hellbent on doing something even if it's dangerous, it's not your responsibility but theirs.
The only thing you can do is keep an open mind and heart in case a person you care about needs help and advise them as best you can.
Forgive yourself for caring and have a little more faith in yourself and others. Take care of yourself and slowly but surely you'll move on. You're gonna be just fine.
Obviously you're a naturally caring person, so just focus on making your life quality better for the time being.
Don't worry, if someone ever needs your help they will ask you.
You know...I feel like you got taken advantage of by a little drama kitten. She took advantage of your naivete, and your kind heartedness.
I'm going to guess that whatever other friends she had, they saw "bad news" all over this, and had distanced her. Or, her friends parents saw "bad news" all over this, and made their children distance this girl.
It's hard for me to understand what her goal ultimately was, in all this. Like...I don't understand why she felt the need to tell you about this guy she was going to run off with...but tell you not to tell anyone. Come on.
I also think you did the right thing, in telling her dad, and your mutual teacher. You saw a dangerous situation, and you sought help. THAT was the right thing to do. It seems like, to me, that she had you so tied up and baffled with bull****, you didn't know what end was up.
It was the most dramatic thing you have experienced in your young adult life, up to this point. Lord...hopefully, you'll never have to experience that much drama ever again.
Look, I know it is painful sometimes when you realize mistakes you did but you couldn't have known better with the information you had.
The past is the past and now you take control of your own life and make decisions for yourself and let others make decisions for themselves. The only thing you can do is offer your perspective. Sadly if someone is hellbent on doing something even if it's dangerous, it's not your responsibility but theirs.
The only thing you can do is keep an open mind and heart in case a person you care about needs help and advise them as best you can.
Forgive yourself for caring and have a little more faith in yourself and others. Take care of yourself and slowly but surely you'll move on. You're gonna be just fine.
Obviously you're a naturally caring person, so just focus on making your life quality better for the time being.
Don't worry, if someone ever needs your help they will ask you.
You know...I feel like you got taken advantage of by a little drama kitten. She took advantage of your naivete, and your kind heartedness.
I'm going to guess that whatever other friends she had, they saw "bad news" all over this, and had distanced her. Or, her friends parents saw "bad news" all over this, and made their children distance this girl.
It's hard for me to understand what her goal ultimately was, in all this. Like...I don't understand why she felt the need to tell you about this guy she was going to run off with...but tell you not to tell anyone. Come on.
I also think you did the right thing, in telling her dad, and your mutual teacher. You saw a dangerous situation, and you sought help. THAT was the right thing to do. It seems like, to me, that she had you so tied up and baffled with bull****, you didn't know what end was up.
It was the most dramatic thing you have experienced in your young adult life, up to this point. Lord...hopefully, you'll never have to experience that much drama ever again.
Actually I have had quite a bit of drama in my family life actually. What do you mean by me being naive?
This is something that will haunt you for a long time. You were mired in a dramatic family, you didn’t have many friends and then this other kid confided in you. And it turned out badly. You did the right thing by getting other adults involved. Maybe you cared too much. And it hurt that you had only the best intentions and it ended with her rejecting your friendship.
That’s all in the past. What lessons have you learned? Sometimes when things “haunt” you, its because you haven’t come to closure or a personal conclusion. And, by reflecting on the whole story, and not drawing some personal conclusions/lessons, it will still ruminate within.
Actually I have had quite a bit of drama in my family life actually. What do you mean by me being naive?
I don't mean anything bad by it. An older, more experienced person would've seen "bad news" written all over this situation, and would've had a sense of the manipulation she was using on you.
I don't mean anything bad by it. An older, more experienced person would've seen "bad news" written all over this situation, and would've had a sense of the manipulation she was using on you.
You did some right things, you did some wrong things. That’s how life works. Your intentions were always good from the sound of it. Don’t stress over it. Look for lessons and apply them in the future. Wisdom is built from accumulated experiences just like this one.
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