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A simple but useful philosophy : Try to be the kind of person you'd like to spend eternity with. Be kind, compassionate, thoughtful, and forgiving. Try to be a channel of good to others. If like attracts like, you will be surrounded by folks who share your outlook and personality. In any event, you'll make your own heaven. Otherwise, you'll make your own hell.
Your post reads like you have made the decision to stay stuck in your thoughts. I don't hear even a hint of an opening for improvement in your quality of life. I would contemplate that. No therapist can help clients when they don't want help, when there is no opening to establish a starting point for change. When people try to unload their dark state of mind onto others, they drive people away, that dark state of mind is yours. We all have dark sides, it's what we do with that dark side that counts. Only you can address it, sometimes with professional help but you have to be READY FOR CHANGE.
Life is unpredictable, it requires flexibility and adaptation which equals change. It's not easy but rather difficult on an on-going basis, for a lifetime, it never ends. When you think you've made it, you're in the clear, you've solved a big problem, another hurdle pops up. But only you can change the way you respond to life's hurdles and circumstances. Or you can stay boxed in with your negative thoughts with no end in sight. Is that what you're doing? Are you busy looking back at "what was", instead of "what is"? Your choice, your decision.
You wish there was a switch to turn yourself off, is there a switch to turn yourself on? You've gotten some good suggestions but it takes action on your part, that's the hard part and the lonely part because only you can do it, no one can do it for you, not your family, not a therapist, not a self-help/support/religious group, only you. If you believe in a higher power and have some spirituality alive in you, then you and God can move forward off the dime, other human beings, professional or not may be able to help and support you, but change has to come from within you and it's a decision that requires small achievable action steps, it doesn't come naturally and it's not easy.
As a medical professional for 45 years, people who have made serious suicide attempts and have near death experiences many times come back fearful of ever trying suicide again, because they describe it as black, empty and stuck, and unable to do anything about it. They describe it as sheer loneliness, total separation from everything and everyone including God. The difference between physical and emotional suicide is that physical suicide is permanent, emotional suicide is not, but some stay stuck, refuse to consider change, refuse to take action, and are at risk for permanent emotional suicide and at risk for repeatedly attempting suicide. I have NEVER heard anyone describe their experience who attempted to take their own life as a "bright light", or filled with peace and tranquility. Trying to turn your switch on while you're alive and capable is the best course of action.
It's okay to make less money (than you used to earn as a seaman). You just need a steady income and a daily structure right now. Apply for a bunch of (unstressful) jobs. Then just live.
"JUST LIVING IS ENOUGH"
- Unknown (wise elderly Japanese woman)
Hello again. @judd2401 I stay stuck in my thoughts and in this dark state because I simply do not see any potential improvement in any aspect of my life. My relationship with my wife is awful, I do not show respect to her but accuse her of many of my missgivings therefore inflicting damage to her and not only me, I ask her to leave me repeatedly but she doesnt, I can not be the father I want to my kids because I feel damaged. I also went ahead and sent my CV to apply for a job as a simple worker on land in a multinational company that builds equipment and employs also unskilled personnel, in order to improve my mentality, and they ask me why I quit my job at sea without knowing what to do next and how I could try and work for companies doing domestic voyages (as if I do not know about any of this). There are no other jobs here, in this land of neverwhere I live(Balkan country). Not only that, but I have 0 usable skills acquired from that career that can be applied in a land based job, therefore I am like unskilled personnel. All of the above contribute to me feeling utterly worthless. I feel as if I have no chances at the age of 32 to create a new life for me. And at the same time, every passing day, my family requires money to live, money which I am the only one who can provide because my wife doesnt work, and cant find any job.
How not to feel helpless when everything works against you, and when your former "career" follows you and works against you in every step you take. I feel as if it would be better to apply for a job if I had never worked onboard a vessel rather than now that I had.
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