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Do you have a deep-seated misogyny? I don't know. It's hard to say from one post. I think I made an effort to explain an issue you raised on your other thread, back then, and you said you'd think about it, and consider the historical antecedents I pointed out as part of the underlying cause. Please review that thread. It was good info.
I applaud you for asking this question here, and leaving yourself open to what on C-D can be a brutal onslaught of commentary. Whether you'll learn anything from what anyone has to say, remains to be seen.
Happy New Year! May Personal Growth be yours in the new year!
Thank you Ruth.
[Mod cut.]
Perhaps I am worried that if I don't meet a minimum threshold of masculinity that would somehow be a turnoff to women. But when I try to be more masculine, I somehow end up being a little bit of a jerk, because I'm faking extra masculinity, and its not natural to me. Perhaps if I stop worrying about that, maybe I won't be the right kind of guy to women that like more of a scruffy lumberjack kind of guy who never sings or dances, but then maybe the right women for me will like me as I am.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 01-03-2021 at 09:25 PM..
Reason: Political.
I lean more toward accepting yourself and being confident but work on being more a lot more tactful.
Fundamentally I don't think we can change that much about ourselves. I seriously doubt you are going to shift from being a Trump voter to a Bernie Bro, I just don't think that is how people work in the real world. So be true to yourself. Find a woman who shares your underlying values.
That said you are blunt, likely a little too blunt. When you told your girlfriend that "monogamy was important for the social fabric of society and a moral duty to commit to one woman and besides I really don't like the process of meeting new women to date, as it can be emotionally/mentally exhausting to get beyond women's defense mechanisms and to build trust," you were missing the forest for the trees. She was looking for reassurances that you love her and that you see a future with her, instead you misread the situation and you put her in a bad frame, where you seemed to be telling her that because of the hassles of dealing with women, you might agree to settle for her because its just too much of hassle to look for someone else better. Can you see why she might not want to hear that from the man she is dating?
Its that perspective taking that I think you are lacking. You aren't thinking enough about how your words are going to be understood in a given social context. I doubt this woman dumped you because you backed Trump, she might have backed Trump herself. But I think she lost interest when you essentially told her you might be willing to settle for her because its just too much of a hassle to find someone better. No one wants to be put in the position where they aren't their boyfriend's first choice. I know I would have lost interest if my boyfriend said to me, what you said to her.
First off, I want to make sure . . . that this was not the FIRST thing that came out of my mouth when the commitment and future plans came up. I at first did genuinely talk about all the reasons why I liked her so much, and why she was awesome. My comment about monogamy being important, etc. etc. really only came when we discussed it deeper - it just came across as unconvincing.
Politics really didn't come up. It was actually more about religion. We met at (Catholic) church, but she was VERY religious, I'm more of a cultural Catholic.
Honestly when I typed out my long original post, I was in a bit of those moods to vent, and admittedly had too much attitude. Not to say that there wasn't some truth to it, otherwise I wouldn't have typed it out, but looking back, I was deliberately trying to highlight my less good qualities for effect.
Women don’t like men that talk a lot about themselves
Wow, no kidding! Too many words; didn't read!
Long ago I joined matchmaker.com. Over a couple of years, I went out with half the women in L.A. (Slight exaggeration.) After the first couple, I just had fun. Best to have utterly NO expectations. I met a lot of interesting ladies. As Huck says, you minimize talk of yourself; rather, you show focused interest in your date. You inquire about her; you want to know about her. You're not there to talk about yourself! It's rare when internet dates work beyond the initial date. Who cares? Have fun! When things do work, it's great. I met my wife online. She worked out pretty well. We've been married 20 years.
Thread temporarily closed for cleanup. Please save personal politics for the Politics forum. You can have the same discussion without being specific about your personal politics. The thread will be reopened after it's been cleaned up.
Edited to add: The thread has been cleaned up and reopened. If it turns political again, it will be permanently locked.
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As far as misogyny, I don’t think that’s the problem. I would just avoid talking about politics in general. I think that’s the main problem. If you are posting that kind of stuff on FB, I could see that turning a lot of people off, no matter how many likes you get.
I have 2-3 friends who post that kind of stuff and I think it’s just nuts. The rest all avoid it. The first time my wife and I ever spoke about politics was 15 years into our marriage because she brought it up. I’ve always been somewhat interested in it, but it’s just not good conversation material. Even if you two agree it’s still not good conversation material.
Stick to books, music, funny stories, interesting history, science, mythology, philosophy, etc. Nobody is going to dump you because you like Pink Floyd or you can point out constellations in the night sky and explain the mythology behind them.
The skinny part I can see a little. I’m strong and fit, but thinner than most guys in Texas for sure. Some women do want a man that is around that 170-185 range with some muscle on them. And most want someone who they feel safe and protected with. Not all women, but there are some. At least make sure you are fit and have some muscle, unless you’re just going for women that like that Gumby look.
I am a woman with both Republican and Democrat friends. There are plenty of to things to discuss or do that do not involve politics, and I am not going to waste my time trying to change political views.
That said, I disliked you by the time I was halfway through your post. I am sure there are women that will accept you just the way you are. It would probably be much easier for you to find one than for you to change.
First off, I want to make sure . . . that this was not the FIRST thing that came out of my mouth when the commitment and future plans came up. I at first did genuinely talk about all the reasons why I liked her so much, and why she was awesome. My comment about monogamy being important, etc. etc. really only came when we discussed it deeper - it just came across as unconvincing.
Politics really didn't come up. It was actually more about religion. We met at (Catholic) church, but she was VERY religious, I'm more of a cultural Catholic.
Honestly when I typed out my long original post, I was in a bit of those moods to vent, and admittedly had too much attitude. Not to say that there wasn't some truth to it, otherwise I wouldn't have typed it out, but looking back, I was deliberately trying to highlight my less good qualities for effect.
If she was religious, I actually think you are swimming in the right pond. There is a greater percentage of religious women who are sympathetic to conservative values vs non-religious women. If you are looking for a more gendered relationship, again seek out the more religious women, they are more likely to be looking for what you are looking for.
With religious women, don't shoot yourself in the foot, what I mean by that is that these religious women may want what you want, but for different reasons then you do. So for instance there are women who are looking for a family where the man is the head of the family. You too may actually want that. But if you are arguing with her why her stricter interpretation of the Bible is wrong, you are doing yourself no favors, when the reason she believes that a man should be the head of the family is because this is an idea that she has picked up from the Bible/Church. Look at the big picture and allow yourself to be influenced by her when it serves both of your interests. Taking her to Church, praying with her, becoming more devout when its allowing you to date a woman who wants what you want (a relationship where you both agree that you are the head of the future family) is worthwhile tradeoff.
Again do some perspective taking and think about what these women are looking for that you are dating. There are some things men and women do for the good of the relationship.
Let's start with one point - a 40 year old man should not measure the quality of personality by the number of facebook friends and likes. Maybe when you are 15 years old, not when you are 40. What, do you live in your moms basement?
That's as far as I got, otherwise too many words that also indicate someone self-absorbed. i.e. narcissistic, full of yourself, etc.
The politics? Who cares. Likely the people that you have disagreements with don't care about political opinions per se, they care they you are preoccupied with it. We hear enough of it and most are sick of it.
Perhaps I am worried that if I don't meet a minimum threshold of masculinity that would somehow be a turnoff to women. But when I try to be more masculine, I somehow end up being a little bit of a jerk, because I'm faking extra masculinity, and its not natural to me. Perhaps if I stop worrying about that, maybe I won't be the right kind of guy to women that like more of a scruffy lumberjack kind of guy who never sings or dances, but then maybe the right women for me will like me as I am.
Perhaps the issue is that you don't take negative feedback well.
To have a real relationship, you have to be willing to accept what your partner likes and doesn't like, without getting offended. That doesn't mean either partner should dominate the other, but healthy dialog is a must.
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