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I'm trying like heck to find the specific article or maybe even book I read about this. It was specifically about how individuals can tend to build up a mythology about their life that while not an outright lie is nevertheless a highly "spun" take on the facts. The article wasn't so much about this being malicious, but rather the common human need to feel a certain way about one's past...and the downside of that as well as what purpose it serves.
Anyhow, I'll throw it open and use my own example.
My wife and I grew up only about 15 miles apart, though we didn't meet each other until later in adulthood.
She grew up in a suburb. Not a wealthy one compared to nearby suburbs, but nothing like the decaying former mill cities nearby. Most of her friends grew up with intact parents and in houses they owned, not rented. No...it wasn't Leave it to Beaver...growing up there didn't guarantee that you wouldn't experience alcoholism, abuses of various kinds, etc. But nobody she grew up with ever went to bed hungry or used food stamps or had 100% absent parents or suffered any real aspects of true poverty.
But when they all get together you would assume from their conversations that they all barely survived growing up in the inner city slums. They're all good, decent people so I wonder why that's so important to them, to cling to dubious memories?
It's obvious to me because I did grow up in a vastly different environment (though not the worst that could have been) with much different parenting (lack of, incl. prison), govt. assistance of various means, some sketchy housing situations, etc. It was what it was, and it's long ago history that we all gratefully recovered from.
It's not that I'm insulted by others' memories and interpretation of such, it's just kind of head-shaking to me.
Do you think it helps them feel purposeful, like they pulled themselves up by the proverbial bootstraps?
What' you're seeing, IMO, is two things, mainly: 1) people who take certain basics for granted, which you pointed out, and 2) the possible effects of lingering trauma from the downsides you also mentioned.
So, what the latter means, is that everything is relative. From their perspective, they had their struggles. Abuse could have held some back in life; you never can really know how that affected them, unless you try to walk in their shoes. So there's some validity to how they feel. Maybe some are still trying to recover their self-esteem, their enjoyment of life (there may be depression as a lasting effect from childhood abuse), or are burdened with other repercussions.
OTOH, someone who grew up on public assistance in sketchy housing situations might come through that experience relatively strong, if they were given love and respect all the way, even if only from one parent. A loving environment, even if materially lacking, can do wonders, while an environment without love, but materially well-off, can stunt people's growth, and cause "failure to thrive", itself a form of trauma. Furthermore, a loving environment provides resilience that lasts a lifetime.
There are so many variables, it's hard to compare by somewhat superficial and obvious criteria: material comfort vs. material deprivation, for example.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-05-2021 at 03:09 PM..
Are they truly dubious memories, or...not as 'serious' as yours? I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, just trying to get clarification.
Perhaps I shouldn't have used the word dubious, because it's not that the actual facts of the memory aren't true, per se, but the way they characterize how it has shaped their life is odd.
Like when I hear someone sadly say something like, "yeah, we never went on vacation" but when you hear their details what it meant was while they never had a 2-week Disneyland trip every year, they nonetheless went to hotel by the beach for 5 days, or went on week-long camping trips, etc.
Is it just a desire to feel like you've overcome your childhood issues, no matter how non-critical they might be?
I'm trying like heck to find the specific article or maybe even book I read about this. It was specifically about how individuals can tend to build up a mythology about their life that while not an outright lie is nevertheless a highly "spun" take on the facts. The article wasn't so much about this being malicious, but rather the common human need to feel a certain way about one's past...and the downside of that as well as what purpose it serves.
We see this kind of thing often on forums like this. Someone posts for advice on something, and you can tell that they've created this narrative in their mind about what's happening and why. When posters who aren't committed to the same narrative question their framework, they get defensive. How dare you not see things the same way?
Perhaps I shouldn't have used the word dubious, because it's not that the actual facts of the memory aren't true, per se, but the way they characterize how it has shaped their life is odd.
Like when I hear someone sadly say something like, "yeah, we never went on vacation" but when you hear their details what it meant was while they never had a 2-week Disneyland trip every year, they nonetheless went to hotel by the beach for 5 days, or went on week-long camping trips, etc.
Is it just a desire to feel like you've overcome your childhood issues, no matter how non-critical they might be?
LOTS of families went on camping trips for vacation, because it was affordable. Disneyland is VERY expensive! It would be a completely inappropriate expectation to expect trips to Disneyland more than once or twice in a lifetime, for certain generations.
Now I"m wondering what metric those people are using, to measure their lives by. They seem committed to seeing the glass as half empty, instead of half full.
I also find it interesting, that you've kept your thoughts and feelings about this inside the entire time you dated your wive, and have been married to her. I wonder what that's like for you, to bottle this up.
LOTS of families went on camping trips for vacation, because it was affordable. Disneyland is VERY expensive! It would be a completely inappropriate expectation to expect trips to Disneyland more than once or twice in a lifetime, for certain generations.
Yeah I know that, and some people don't even get to do THAT, but in the scheme of things, someone who gets regular non-Disney locations is being disingenuous if they try to claim they were deprived of vacations as a kid.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
I also find it interesting, that you've kept your thoughts and feelings about this inside the entire time you dated your wive, and have been married to her. I wonder what that's like for you, to bottle this up.
Wut?
this is not even remotely accurate.
I give her some good natured ribbing about sometimes.
Maybe they are comparing to others they knew who had more?
I thought we were poor growing up. I was embarrassed that my parents only bought used cars and that I had to wear hand-me-downs from my older sisters and sometimes my older brother. Other kids I knew got on planes and flew for vacations. We got into a station wagon and drove for a few hours and stayed in little cabins on a lake in the woods. Not that it wasn't fun, but I just always compared to what my friends did.
We never went out to dinner except on my grandmother's birthday. When I was 9, all the Girl Scouts in town had a party at this restaurant known for its great pizza. I pretended to be enthusiastic because I was ashamed to admit to anyone that I had never had pizza. My parents had seven kids, and my mother cooked at home. We didn't get pizza or Chinese food or any kind of takeout except maybe doughnuts once every couple of months after church.
One day when I was in high school, our band director asked all the kids who had a color TV to raise their hands. I FOUND OUT I WAS THE ONLY KID IN THE BAND AND PROBABLY THE ENTIRE SCHOOL WHOSE FAMILY STILL HAD A BLACK-AND-WHITE TV. It worked. My parents wouldn't replace it, because it still worked.
Then after secretarial school I went to work in NYC, and I started working with another secretary, a Black woman who had grown up in Newark. She had gotten bitten by a rat once in her living room. The sheriff's office would come sometimes and lock them out of their apartment for non-payment of rent, and then her mother would wait until the sun went down and she knew the sheriff's men would not come back into her neighborhood and she would pull out a pair of steel cutters and take the lock off the door.
And other stories.
I never missed a meal, my father always had a job, we had those two used cars, we went on vacations, and we had a big house with a big yard in a safe town. I never ever again thought I grew up poor.
OP: I find this interesting, because you have analyzed and judged your wife's and her friends' pasts . . . that's a lot of speculation on your part.
It's interesting that people see things through different lenses.
The example of the blind person feeling the elephant is striking - each person has a completely different experience.
Your wife and her friends have rank in terms of what is true for them - you are putting your judgment of their experiences above their perceptions (and they were there and you were not). Kind of egotistical.
Maybe they are comparing to others they knew who had more?
I thought we were poor growing up. I was embarrassed that my parents only bought used cars and that I had to wear hand-me-downs from my older sisters and sometimes my older brother. Other kids I knew got on planes and flew for vacations. We got into a station wagon and drove for a few hours and stayed in little cabins on a lake in the woods. Not that it wasn't fun, but I just always compared to what my friends did.
We never went out to dinner except on my grandmother's birthday. When I was 9, all the Girl Scouts in town had a party at this restaurant known for its great pizza. I pretended to be enthusiastic because I was ashamed to admit to anyone that I had never had pizza. My parents had seven kids, and my mother cooked at home. We didn't get pizza or Chinese food or any kind of takeout except maybe doughnuts once every couple of months after church.
One day when I was in high school, our band director asked all the kids who had a color TV to raise their hands. I FOUND OUT I WAS THE ONLY KID IN THE BAND AND PROBABLY THE ENTIRE SCHOOL WHOSE FAMILY STILL HAD A BLACK-AND-WHITE TV. It worked. My parents wouldn't replace it, because it still worked.
Then after secretarial school I went to work in NYC, and I started working with another secretary, a Black woman who had grown up in Newark. She had gotten bitten by a rat once in her living room. The sheriff's office would come sometimes and lock them out of their apartment for non-payment of rent, and then her mother would wait until the sun went down and she knew the sheriff's men would not come back into her neighborhood and she would pull out a pair of steel cutters and take the lock off the door.
And other stories.
I never missed a meal, my father always had a job, we had those two used cars, we went on vacations, and we had a big house with a big yard in a safe town. I never ever again thought I grew up poor.
I can SOOOO relate to this. LOL I grew up in a family of 7. I used to think we had it bad because we only had one bathroom and didn't have a built in pool, and none of our Halloween costumes were store bought. LOL But, like you, we never missed a meal, even if that meant doing some creative things, like raising our own rabbits for meat, and then trading the rabbits with a family on food stamps for other stuff. (We happened to like government cheese a lot. LOL). Or having to drink powdered milk...gag.
We RARELY got brand new clothes from the store. My mom sewed, and a lot of my clothes were made by my mom or my grandma. MOST of our clothes were second hand, although I never minded that. I thought getting second hand clothes was fun. Still do. We did get brand new shoes though.
But like you, we always had a fun back yard to play in. We had one of the best back yards in the neighborhood. My dad built us a play house, a see saw, and a sand box. He somehow found old tricycles and made them look brand new for my brother and I. (We were LITTLE then.) We lived by the beach, and went often...man...looking back, there was a LOT of good about my childhood.
And my parents didn't get a color TV until we were all grown and out of the house. LOL
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