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I never thought to be in this position in my life but one of my three daughters, the middle child, has become alienated from me and the rest of our family.
There was an online support group which looked interesting so I joined and read stories of other parents' experience in this area. What struck me was the angst on the part of both parent and "child"; slights, abuses, hurtful actions, both real and perceived, on both sides. Most of the estrangement occurs when the "child" decides to remove him or her self from the parent's orbit. The reasons aren't always clear but they are real to the child. There are various suggestions about how best to deal with this.
My problem is unique (as are they all) because my daughter and her sisters did not grow up in anything like the home she describes online via Twitter, FB and other social media. When she posts of the egregious treatment she received during her life with us, we gape at each other in disbelief and wonder why anyone would want to project themselves to be such a tragic victim.
According to her, whom I still love very much and would forgive in a heartbeat, she was very badly treated and told by me that she should have been aborted. Omg. Nothing could be further from the truth. She was a beloved, much-wanted child. Much of what she says about her upbringing is fabrication. No one in our extended family wants anything to do with her because she said a lot of things publicly which weren't true and hurt lots of feelings.
She also claimed to be a rape victim. Not true. If there is a disaster somewhere (9/11, the Newtown school shooting, etc.), she links herself to them by knowing someone or encountered someone or had direct experience with someone who was involved. "People I love have died of COVID19" is a common refrain on her social media which a friend has access to.
She has many diseases, surgeries and other problems which are leading her to death's door, according to her.
She has cut all of us off (we see her messages from a friend on social media). She is getting divorced for a second time. She appears to have a decent job and has held it for about two years. She is involved in local politics. She is a college graduate and bright. She always had friends.
I'm not angry with her. I am worried and concerned. What has happened to my sweet little girl?
I never thought to be in this position in my life but one of my three daughters, the middle child, has become alienated from me and the rest of our family.
There was an online support group which looked interesting so I joined and read stories of other parents' experience in this area. What struck me was the angst on the part of both parent and "child"; slights, abuses, hurtful actions, both real and perceived, on both sides. Most of the estrangement occurs when the "child" decides to remove him or her self from the parent's orbit. The reasons aren't always clear but they are real to the child. There are various suggestions about how best to deal with this.
My problem is unique (as are they all) because my daughter and her sisters did not grow up in anything like the home she describes online via Twitter, FB and other social media. When she posts of the egregious treatment she received during her life with us, we gape at each other in disbelief and wonder why anyone would want to project themselves to be such a tragic victim.
According to her, whom I still love very much and would forgive in a heartbeat, she was very badly treated and told by me that she should have been aborted. Omg. Nothing could be further from the truth. She was a beloved, much-wanted child. Much of what she says about her upbringing is fabrication. No one in our extended family wants anything to do with her because she said a lot of things publicly which weren't true and hurt lots of feelings.
She also claimed to be a rape victim. Not true. If there is a disaster somewhere (9/11, the Newtown school shooting, etc.), she links herself to them by knowing someone or encountered someone or had direct experience with someone who was involved. "People I love have died of COVID19" is a common refrain on her social media which a friend has access to.
She has many diseases, surgeries and other problems which are leading her to death's door, according to her.
She has cut all of us off (we see her messages from a friend on social media). She is getting divorced for a second time. She appears to have a decent job and has held it for about two years. She is involved in local politics. She is a college graduate and bright. She always had friends.
I'm not angry with her. I am worried and concerned. What has happened to my sweet little girl?
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can imagine the distress it causes you and your family. For possible answers, you might want to do some counseling, to figure out how to deal with your understandable distress, and to understand the possible mental illness of your child. This is only a suggestion.
My thoughts are, that somewhere along the line your daughter made a choice to misrepresent her circumstances, and for whatever reason, doing so was rewarding to her in some way. So she continued. And her choosing that path has lead to the estrangement. Perhaps she now believes her “story” or is entrenched in her supposed victimhood.
There are some mental illnesses that involve needing whatever her “story” gives her.
The fact that she is divorcing for a second time is also telling.
There is an old thread in the parenting sub forum about estrangement between parent and child. It might be of interest to you.
Not only mental illness but there are times when an adult child uses a similar method to hide alcohol or chemical abuse. Or perhaps an eating disorder. Some secret.
Conveniently, dwelling on a victim role also gives them a good "reason" to continue dysfunctional behavior. Even genuine victims need to work toward stepping out of the victim role for a return to health as rapidly as is possible for them.
This kind of physical and psychological separation from parents has become so common today that I'm tempted to think that some young people do it just to be part of a group they identify with. There are some rewards for being a brave survivor of abuse that may appeal to people who don't feel they are getting enough recognition.
It obviously means something is wrong. It's possible that she has been abused and is protecting the abuser and projecting the blame elsewhere. Without more information than you have it is nearly impossible to guess what has gone awry in her life.
It must be hard not to wonder if you have been guilty of damaging mistakes. I hope after some honest soul-searching of your part in things you'll resist self-blame. If you know of things you've done that were mistakes you can be open to discussing them. But sitting and beating yourself up over them is only self-defeating.
Kids don't come with user manuals and we all make mistakes raising them. At some point how they react to that is their responsibility. There might be some hurt feelings. You can't have close relationships without them. But no one has to be scarred by hurt feelings. They go with the territory .
I'm so sorry you are having to experience this painful situation.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can imagine the distress it causes you and your family. For possible answers, you might want to do some counseling, to figure out how to deal with your understandable distress, and to understand the possible mental illness of your child. This is only a suggestion.
My thoughts are, that somewhere along the line your daughter made a choice to misrepresent her circumstances, and for whatever reason, doing so was rewarding to her in some way. So she continued. And her choosing that path has lead to the estrangement. Perhaps she now believes her “story” or is entrenched in her supposed victimhood.
There are some mental illnesses that involve needing whatever her “story” gives her.
The fact that she is divorcing for a second time is also telling.
There is an old thread in the parenting sub forum about estrangement between parent and child. It might be of interest to you.
Peace.
I will look for the post you mentioned and appreciate your taking the time to respond. I doubt this will ever be resolved and those are feelings that must be dealt with.
Did something happen to her that you don't know about?
That's always possible but she is so open about all her trials and tribulations, it's hard to say.
Her versions of being raped (and yes, that's plural) have been debunked by her sisters who were around at the time. Her friends, whom I did ask, told me I should believe her anyway..... They were all part of a large group and were at the same event/s where this supposedly happened. Sorry, no can do. No one would corroborate her story. The accused was another kid in the group and she told me, at the time (she was upset with him and I asked her about it) that he tried to kiss her and pushed her down. Of course, I was all over that story and wanted to know what ELSE happened. She was adamant at the time that nothing did. They continued to be part of the group, hang out and go along as before. They even went out on a date, although it was years later that I even heard about that. She only told me about it six years after it supposedly occurred. In any event, now she's angry as heck that her story was repudiated. By everyone.
As far as substance abuse, that's always a possibility also. She was drinking much more than she should have but that was maybe ten years ago.
We sat down together a few years ago and she aired all her grievances. Her list surprised me and I asked her for specific times when she was treated so badly. She said she couldn't remember.
She is still my beloved adult child and I miss her. I will go to my grave not understanding why she'd like to be among those who truly did have horrendous, abusive childhoods.
That's always possible but she is so open about all her trials and tribulations, it's hard to say.
Her versions of being raped (and yes, that's plural) have been debunked by her sisters who were around at the time. Her friends, whom I did ask, told me I should believe her anyway..... They were all part of a large group and were at the same event/s where this supposedly happened. Sorry, no can do. No one would corroborate her story. The accused was another kid in the group and she told me, at the time (she was upset with him and I asked her about it) that he tried to kiss her and pushed her down. Of course, I was all over that story and wanted to know what ELSE happened. She was adamant at the time that nothing did. They continued to be part of the group, hang out and go along as before. They even went out on a date, although it was years later that I even heard about that. She only told me about it six years after it supposedly occurred. In any event, now she's angry as heck that her story was repudiated. By everyone.
As far as substance abuse, that's always a possibility also. She was drinking much more than she should have but that was maybe ten years ago.
We sat down together a few years ago and she aired all her grievances. Her list surprised me and I asked her for specific times when she was treated so badly. She said she couldn't remember.
She is still my beloved adult child and I miss her. I will go to my grave not understanding why she'd like to be among those who truly did have horrendous, abusive childhoods.
I think you're dead wrong for not believing her stories of rapes. You said she told you a different story at the time. It's possible she did not want to tell you about the rape, or maybe didn't understand she had been raped.
I was sexually assaulted as a teen, and JUST REMEMBERED THE INCIDENT (I am old). I was too traumatized to make sense of it at the time. I pushed it down and it just arose as a full-blown memory recently.
If you ever want to reconcile with her, you would have to take her word for the rapes and it's weird to me that you wouldn't understand that.
Give her space and stop reading her social media. In the years to come you may reach out to each other. Like in politics or religion, you can't change anyone's opinions and beliefs. Arguing against them just makes the person hold onto them more.
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