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Therapist would be best for this type of concern. It could be myriad of things from physiological to psychological.
Depending on your level of curiosity and ability to wade through academic writing / research, you may want to search for studies on the topic in Journal of Sex Research.
Is it possible that I feel so repressed because I never really accepted myself and am just lacking experience or could it be that something happened to me but I numbed the memories? I don't remember when did I learn about about concept of rape, but I always felt really weird about it. Or do I just have messed up attachment styles?
I remember having a pretty happy childhood in a way. I had some confidence, was curious and talkative, maybe a bit scared of new people in the late childhood, but still... I started shutting myself in at around 10 when I got glasses and felt ugly and some classmates mocked me, but nothing too intense. I guess I "needed" someone to tell me I'm still okay. I started became more quiet and boring and not interested in make-up and clothes like my girl friends and many of them stopped hanging out with me. I was pretty lonely in my early teens.
I did have a single mother but would see my dad regulary and they were "together" untill my early teens. I didn't think my family was any different until a school teacher said it was.
I also started feeling ashamed towards my body becoming more mature. I did have a really unpleasant experience when one guy grabbed my butt at the pool when I was around 12 and I looked at him angirly and he just repeated it and I just quietly wished for him to stop, I was too ashamed to do anything and felt so stupid. Later I was too ashmed to tell anyone about it. As much as it was unpleasant, it happened after I was already feeling ashamed so I can't say that this was an experience where everything started. I just felt shame and helplessness.
I became more okay with myself in the recent years (I'm in my early twenties), but I still could never bring myself to be sexual with someone, I always shut down and couldn't really talk about it with the guys I was dating... Or anyone really, nobody understood how could I feel disgusted by a guy I actually liked a lot.
I don't know what I even want to say, I'm just so confused and still waiting for my therapy to start and have so much work to do, I feel so broken but there's jsut nothing to really grab onto... I was just scared and pathetic and not like other girls who were eventually more relaxed and couldn't wait to show off, I just wanted to be invisible and simultaneously have someone to "save me" and tell me I'm okay. Now I feel I'm too broken and too unexperienced to save myself
As an aroace, an aromantic asexual, you sound like you're a romantic asexual. I'm also sex-repulsed and I wasn't abused as a child and was never shamed about it either. The thought of it disgusted me, especially when you read about all the diseases out there, and you sound like me.
There's nothing wrong with you. You're valid just the way you are. I didn't find out until I was in my early 20's and there were a lot of growing pains, which are normal.
Hm I definitely thought about it but it never really made sense, I can't really identify with it (or refuse to). I definitely do feel sexual attraction, but the closer the relationship gets, the more I want to flee. After I'm "safe" and alone again the attraction is back. This probably sounds a lot like anxious-avoidant attachment style if I remember correctly
You could be demi-sexual instead. Demis are only sexually attracted to people they form an emotional bond with. You could also be demi-romantic, which at times I think I am. Only develop a romantic connection to people you form an emotional bond with.
Clearly a (rare) exception... especially when accompanied by enough champagne!
Or wine! Ohh, a Shirley Temple too! If someone treated me to a nice dinner and a Shirley Temple, I might change my romantic stance. Not the sexual one, as I'm not into it and it would be painful, but I'd change the romantic stance.
You could be demi-sexual instead. Demis are only sexually attracted to people they form an emotional bond with. You could also be demi-romantic, which at times I think I am. Only develop a romantic connection to people you form an emotional bond with.
Still, nothing wrong with you and you are valid.
Thank you for yoir inputs! I feel a bit more normal now, maybe it's also being exposed into this fast-dating and speed-relationships culture I can't seem to fit in. I did try to in the past but it only made me and the guys that jad different expectations confused (and they were normal in most cases, just not compatible with me in that regard).
I was feeling a lot of shame towards my body in my early teens because people (family, teachers, random family friends, classmates) would point out the fact that I have boobs for example. Maybe some other girls wouls find that flattering but during that time I'd do anything to have a flat body, which actually played a big part of me losing so much weight that I had to be hospitalized at some point, but yeah I also thought I was fat so i don't know, I'm glad it's mostly over.
I do think I'm demi-sexual/romantic from what you've wrote since I can't imagine being sexual with just anyone I find hot. I think it's okay and has its own pluses. Injist want to overcome this freezing reactions but maybe I never really let anyone close (except for friendships)
Is it possible that I feel so repressed because I never really accepted myself and am just lacking experience or could it be that something happened to me but I numbed the memories? I don't remember when did I learn about about concept of rape, but I always felt really weird about it. Or do I just have messed up attachment styles?
I remember having a pretty happy childhood in a way. I had some confidence, was curious and talkative, maybe a bit scared of new people in the late childhood, but still... I started shutting myself in at around 10 when I got glasses and felt ugly and some classmates mocked me, but nothing too intense. I guess I "needed" someone to tell me I'm still okay. I started became more quiet and boring and not interested in make-up and clothes like my girl friends and many of them stopped hanging out with me. I was pretty lonely in my early teens.
I did have a single mother but would see my dad regulary and they were "together" untill my early teens. I didn't think my family was any different until a school teacher said it was.
I also started feeling ashamed towards my body becoming more mature. I did have a really unpleasant experience when one guy grabbed my butt at the pool when I was around 12 and I looked at him angirly and he just repeated it and I just quietly wished for him to stop, I was too ashamed to do anything and felt so stupid. Later I was too ashmed to tell anyone about it. As much as it was unpleasant, it happened after I was already feeling ashamed so I can't say that this was an experience where everything started. I just felt shame and helplessness.
I became more okay with myself in the recent years (I'm in my early twenties), but I still could never bring myself to be sexual with someone, I always shut down and couldn't really talk about it with the guys I was dating... Or anyone really, nobody understood how could I feel disgusted by a guy I actually liked a lot.
I don't know what I even want to say, I'm just so confused and still waiting for my therapy to start and have so much work to do, I feel so broken but there's jsut nothing to really grab onto... I was just scared and pathetic and not like other girls who were eventually more relaxed and couldn't wait to show off, I just wanted to be invisible and simultaneously have someone to "save me" and tell me I'm okay. Now I feel I'm too broken and too unexperienced to save myself
Go to your mirror.
Say out loud: I AM NOT PATHETIC. I AM WORTHY. Everyday, when you get up.
someone who is demisexual — which some say falls under the asexual umbrella — experiences sexual attraction only when they have a deep connection to a person.
Not every girl wants to be sexual as soon as she is of age. It might take you longer to warm up. You just might be someone who does not like to be touched. There is nothing wrong with you. But let go a little bit and open yourself to new experiences.
When you see a guy across the room that lights your loins up like a fire brand and is irresistible to you, all that caution will melt away. It does happen.
You sound a lot like me, when I was young. I developed before most of my peers, and it was weird and awkward to me. I was a kid, and I got attention I didn't want or know what to do with.
I used to joke, when I got older, that I WISHED I had understood THEN, the power my boobs had over boys. LOL And yes, boys would try and take the opportunity to touch them, or make comments about them, etc. BUT I had brothers and sisters, and had fairly strong boundaries regarded unwanted touching. Well...with kids our age anyway. But I WAS molested as a child by our adult neighbor...and yeah...it contributed to some of my issues.
Plus...I'm wondering if you never really had a good example to look to, to pattern yourself after. Did you ever see your parents be affectionate toward each other? Our parents can often set the stage, so to speak, on what normal is. And if you have a mom who never hugged you, you never got to experience the non-sexual, but still feels nice to be hugged, kind of hug. Did your dad ever hug you? Give you a kiss on the cheek, playfully toss your hair, have pet nicknames...just general loving mannerisms? If you never had that...it might be hard to accept physical gestures from guys.
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