How does men handle child neglect, cheating parents and abuse? (introvert, counselor)

[kitkat.vs.marsbar]

I want to understand my bf better, and i think it somehow relates to his attitude as well. I was going to post this in Relationship section, but i think it's better to post it here.

Background:
His father is slightly abusive. His father left him out on the porch one night when he was throwing a tantrum, i cant remember his age at the time but he was just a kid. He was slapped several times. He didnt outright say it, but i think there's some emotional neglect too. His father cheated once, even married the other woman behind their back. When they found out about it, my bf blew off and shouted at the father, though the father didnt retaliate.

My bf has also been cheated twice, if i recall correctly. Another strung him along for nearly a year. His brother in law also cheated on his sister. Suffice to say his family has a lot of cheating problems.

Present:

My bf is a pretty great guy, except he has the tendency to cut me off in conversation a lot. He considers himself as an introvert like me, but i dont think he is. Here is what is the thread i opened in Relationship section.

Spoiler

I feel like my bf isnt listening to me or let me finish my words sometimes. It's not all the time, but more than enough to bug me. If i bring up a topic he's not familiar with, he'd seem not interested to listen and say things like well i dunno to end the conversation or change the topic. If it's a topic he can relate, he'd cut me off and talk about what he knows or what he think about it instead. Example:

Me: i think there's something up with my accountant lately she always seems to -
Him: oh hey do u know where can i find a good accounting software?

He'd question things as if he's disagreeing, and very opinionated about it. I have started not to enjoy spending times with him now. I'd end up listening to him talk on and on, or getting cut off. I dont think he's a full on narc, he cares about my wellbeing and stuff. He sent surprise gift to my office, just because. He once said he like gifting things to people that he cares just to make them happy. He's extra careful and caring when he knows im stressed at work. But communication and conversing wise, it's getting a bit frustrating. I dont feel like confiding in him on things, because he'd either cut me off or quickly relate to what he knows instead. He'd ask about how my day went and i would just make things short, and listen to him instead.

This was one of the incident where the interruption is a bit much. I have depression, and he is okay with it. However on trying to relate to my terrible childhood and saying it's all good, we all have our own pasts and its okay, he cut me off while i wasnt even finish talking about my said terrible childhood. It was not an easy conversation for me to open, took me weeks to mull and plan it out, yet as usual he cut me off.

On my other thread, another poster that suggested he's just an extrovert and interrupting is his way to relate, which i do agree. Recalling about his childhood and reading about another psychology-related issue in another thread just now makes me want to understand my bf more. A poster in a thread i cant remember said something along the lines of "male react differently to emotional neglect". He is older and he has gone through a great deal of trouble too. The cheatings has made him slightly sexist tendency, but nothing to concerning. None of his relationship last long, only once during college, for 2 years. He's quite the workaholic. There was a point in his life where he felt like it's better to grind on the job rather then get cheated/rejected. I think an ex looked down on him, and that left a lasting effect - he really REALLY hates ppl looking down on him. Hm what else, that's all i can think for now.

So there you go. I have never dated or met a guy with this much childhood history, so i do appreciate any insights on this. How does men react and handle these issues and pasts that they have?

[MCNJ]

Your boyfriend doesn't respect you and belittles what you feel. He's not even letting you finish a sentence, for god's sake!

It's not so much how he reacts and handles this type of thing, but the garbage it will bring to your current relationship. This is not a respectful, kind man. So what if he is okay with your depression. That's not enough to sustain a relationship. What he is doing by cutting you off is belittling you and making light of any feelings you have.

He comes from an abusive background where respect and nurturing were very lacking, and disrespect ran rampant. He will bring that into your relationship and perpetuate this pattern. You may want to ask yourself why you chose to be with someone like that. It will not get any better.

[E-Twist]

You need to dump the bf and work on your depression. It doesn't matter why he is the way he is, you can't fix him. Accept that and move on.

[Sassybluesy]

I'm not so willing to give up on him, just because he interrupts you. I think that's something that CAN be worked on.


He doesn't yell at you. He's not abusive toward you. But he has the bad habit of cutting you off. Stop him from doing that. When he cuts you off, stop, look him straight in the eye, and tell him "you interrupted me again. I want to finish my sentence."

[Gohangr]

Does he have things that really annoy him? If he does, next time he interrupts you, you can tell him that when he interrupts you it makes you feel like he does when *behaviour that annoys him * happens.
That way even if he is not be able to understand why you are annoyed, he will make the emotional connection. Maybe you two will have an open discussion about why it is important to not do things that really upset the other person.

You could also ask him if you also do things that annoy him, but try not to take it personally if he does have some.

[silibran]

If you find yourself talking constantly about your past unhappiness, find a therapist or counselor to talk to. Listening to constant ruminations about the same past issues does get old. Examine how often you are bringing those things up. If it is frequent, then, see a professional.

I note that you must have listened to your BF’s unhappy memories, so I give you credit for that.

It is impossible for me to tell whether you are expecting too much from BF, or whether he is being simply boorish. The both of you might benefit from couples counseling, if you love each other and want this relationship to be permanent.