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So my wife and are going though a Mutually wanted divorce I found out though a Mutual friend she’s been wanting one for the past three years ever since we went down to take care of my mom until she passed. Going down to take care of my mom was really rough for her she thought that maybe me and my mom could get some closure which I told her would never happen we just were never close. My mom was a narcissist and very controlling out in public she was the sweetest woman but when she got She dropped the façade quickly and became violently aggressive mentality and physically. I grew up with this so it didn’t phase me my wife on the other hand didn’t know what she was getting into even though I warned her about it.
Enough of the background. Apparently narcissism and gaslighting can be triggered and I think that’s what happen with my wife. I noticed a lot of the same traits from my mom appearing in my wife. Fast forward three years after my mom passed she starting to act like my mom and then what I what I did wasn’t good enough you know I worked too much I didn’t work enough. Forgive me I’m trying to keep this as short as possible
here.
My wife ended up getting Lyme disease and hops Which is apparently caused by Lyme disease.
After we sold the house she ended up staying in the same town and found her own place and I came to the coast to stay with my sister. I spent a couple months trying to figure out if I want to be back in the mountains over here with my sister. I came close to staying in the mountains but I feel like being around her and having Lyme disease knowing what she’s going through I wouldn’t be able to get over her. I still love her but I am not in love with her anymore she’s not the same person.
She has trouble walking sometimes sometimes she can’t get out of bed to take the dogs out or anything else. Sometimes she’s in lots of pain doubled over in pain I’ve seen this for myself. My last physical mount I told her that I can’t stay for the very reasons I posted above.
I also told her if I stayed I would not have a long life because I’ll be so worried about her I’d be over there all the time. Maybe just makes me a bad person I don’t know the further away from her and less guilty I have but we still talk on the phone sometime she tells me how she’s doing then the guilt comes rushing back.
I’m not going to sit here and lie and say that the marriage failed all because of her I did and said some things I should’ve done too.
So I guess my question is should I feel bad because I’m not there to take care of her?
Well, it sounds as if you married your mother, essentially. I suggest counseling, because I think you do have some issues that need to be addressed.
Regarding guilt: does your wife have a support system? Is she alone in her suffering? Can she manage living her life independently? If the answer is no, then IMO, you should figure out how to give her some sort of help. It might be in the firm of paying a caregiver, for instance.
If she has a support system and is able to function, then I feel you have less responsibility.
I do suspect that you are feeling guilt because you have abandoned her at least partly because of her illness. If you were the one with the Lyme disease and complications, how would you want to be treated? If she were to have treated you the way you have treated her, how would you feel?
Well, it sounds as if you married your mother, essentially. I suggest counseling, because I think you do have some issues that need to be addressed.
Regarding guilt: does your wife have a support system? Is she alone in her suffering? Can she manage living her life independently? If the answer is no, then IMO, you should figure out how to give her some sort of help. It might be in the firm of paying a caregiver, for instance.
If she has a support system and is able to function, then I feel you have less responsibility.
I do suspect that you are feeling guilt because you have abandoned her at least partly because of her illness. If you were the one with the Lyme disease and complications, how would you want to be treated? If she were to have treated you the way you have treated her, how would you feel?
Nah, I don’t do counseling I’ll pass it might benefit some people but I’m good. She’s trying to get disability she’s got friends in her area but when push comes to shove not really there for her. I didn’t leave her because of the illness and fax when she first got lime disease she was perfectly healthy no physical problems moving around or no pain. She did however bring that up but I think that was to make me feel guilty.
Guilt is a tough thing and its difficult to discern when its justified. If neither of you cheated and/or have relationships with partners outside the marriage then what you do next is solely your decision and you don’t have the complications of others in the process. And, if there are not other relationships, you have to consider that your wife is still your family if you were married for many, many years.
So, assuming your wife and you don’t have other romantic partners AND assuming this was a long marriage, then you really have to have a meeting with yourself and determine how you would help a brother or sister in her situation.
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