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Rejecting a child may just be part of the problem. I believe there's a high percentage of broken homes. Doesn't matter if it's single or dual parent households. No one is aware of what goes on behind closed doors except members of the family. With all the revelations that we hear or read about, it seems many children regardless of socioeconomic level, experience different types of physical and emotional abuse. Eventually these children become parents and the problem repeats itself.
Sorry but your brother's a doormat. As long as he is happy, I suppose.
I'll never understand non-materialistic people marrying materialistic people, or why they would even be attracted to each other. It's an opposing mindset.
OTOH, maybe she wants him to have a good-paying job because she doesn't want him thinking he's going to dip into her inheritance?
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Originally Posted by brightdoglover
I do think women have a head start on the primal feeling of attachment to children because of the hormones and physiology of gestation and birth. It doesn't necessarily help them to learn how to be good parents. Men are another step removed from that.
It might also be that the women know they have to pony up because they're the one who has to care for the kid. I imagine that some sort of bond-- if a grudging one-- is built there. Men have more of a disconnect-- if they don't step up, they know Mommy will.
I guess it depends on the man involved. I've known a few who, judging by their behavior, don't think their kid(s) is/are the end-all, be-all in life. The one who was nervous that his wife was going out of town for the weekend because it was the first time in their kid's life that he would be alone with it... the baby was something like 6 months old; he had had a child for six whole months without ever before having had sole care of it for even a few hours. The ones who come back to work from "paternity leave" as soon as they can get away with it and are relieved to do so. The ones who are at the office every day during pandemic (when work-from-home is a definite thing that is allowed and possible) and leaving their wives home to care for the kids all day. The one who chose a job that had him traveling often (again leaving his wife in care) and had a two-seater sports car (guess he didn't plan to do much transporting of the kids?). Easy for someone to say they "love" their kids but when they take pains to not be around them, and to stick their wife with the job... (That in contrast to, say, the one who would call me and say "Hey, I'm not going to be in today-- the kids are still sick and now it's my turn to stay home with them.")
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Originally Posted by Tallysmom
I also think there is a lot of ideation of what one is supposed to do in life.
You’re supposed to have children.
In my era, I am older, you’re supposed to get married and have children. If you don’t do these things you get grief. If you don’t do these things, there is something wrong with you. I’ve run into that a couple of times.
Now, if you actually choose to have kids, good. And if you don’t choose to have children and happen to have children and love the process, great.
But I think a lot of people just do it because that’s what they’re supposed to do. It’s not what they want to do. But they don’t have the strength to stand up and say no.
Or, in the case of some people, it doesn't occur to them that they can choose to not follow the mold/life script... especially not in those cases when it has been so shoved into their head.
I hate to generalize about men, but I will, because it seems to be true.
More than women, men appear to give their attention to the children who come from their current relationship. When a man has a new wife or partner, from death, divorce or breakup, it is the children from the latest relationship who seem to get the most attention. On every level.
The current wife is usually a part of this. At least in my case she was. She also interfered with the will, declaring my father "incompetent", when he realized what she was doing - alienating him from the children from his first marriage.
The current wife is very frequently a part of that. Sometimes it's wholly on her. And the previous wife can contribute to it as well. The father is frequently forced to choose which woman to please, and that choice is usually going to be the woman he's presently married to.
It's a struggle to maintain quality contact with the children of the previous wife because the current wife sees that as maintenance of the relationship with the previous wife as well.
OTOH, maybe she wants him to have a good-paying job because she doesn't want him thinking he's going to dip into her inheritance?
It might also be that the women know they have to pony up because they're the one who has to care for the kid. I imagine that some sort of bond-- if a grudging one-- is built there. Men have more of a disconnect-- if they don't step up, they know Mommy will.
I guess it depends on the man involved. I've known a few who, judging by their behavior, don't think their kid(s) is/are the end-all, be-all in life. The one who was nervous that his wife was going out of town for the weekend because it was the first time in their kid's life that he would be alone with it... the baby was something like 6 months old; he had had a child for six whole months without ever before having had sole care of it for even a few hours. The ones who come back to work from "paternity leave" as soon as they can get away with it and are relieved to do so. The ones who are at the office every day during pandemic (when work-from-home is a definite thing that is allowed and possible) and leaving their wives home to care for the kids all day. The one who chose a job that had him traveling often (again leaving his wife in care) and had a two-seater sports car (guess he didn't plan to do much transporting of the kids?). Easy for someone to say they "love" their kids but when they take pains to not be around them, and to stick their wife with the job... (That in contrast to, say, the one who would call me and say "Hey, I'm not going to be in today-- the kids are still sick and now it's my turn to stay home with them.")
Or, in the case of some people, it doesn't occur to them that they can choose to not follow the mold/life script... especially not in those cases when it has been so shoved into their head.
The inheritance came later in their marriage. My mother told me about the money. It's enough so they won't have to worry about retirement.
But that's just one more thing... my brother didn't deliver on. (To be sure he earns a good salary but keeping up with the jones isn't cheap. Not where they live.)
The wife had the money for the down-payment on the house. Now she's the one with the fat retirement fund.
My son was told by his father this past weekend that he doesn’t love him and he favors his wife’s children from another relationship. My kids are my entire world and I love them unconditionally. I can’t comprehend what causes a parent to be this way.
Is it mental illness? I suspect he is bipolar and he is textbook narcissistic. Is it from having an unconventional upbringing? Is it unresolved anger towards the child’s mother? He left me for another woman but he still directs his anger towards me, like I made that choice.
I don’t get it... anyone been through being told by a parent that they don’t love you?
my parents doted on my brother. at one point my mother not only flat out admitted she liked my brother better, but she went on to list for me the reasons why she liked him better. if i read that in a book or in a story, i would probably have trouble believing something like that could happen.
Favoritism hurts even when quietly done. I hope that your love for your child compensates for the loss of the love of his father. So sad. I still suffer from PTSD and have been diagnosed with traumatic childhood syndrome. Love your son with all your might.
My parents have never said that they don't love my brother and I, but their actions don't leave us feeling particularly inspired.
There are lots of little things - the emotional abuse/neglect when we were kids, how my parents don't know anything about us personally, only focusing on our accomplishments as a way to brag about themselves. But the big things really make it clear that something is clearly wrong. When I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer at 23, my parents didn't bother to make the 3 hour flight to visit a single time, refused to help schedule appointments or deal with my insurance (a huge pain point for me), and claimed they couldn't afford to help me out. And then, in the middle of my 6 months of chemo, they planned, booked, and went on a 2 week vacation out of the country and wouldn't give me contact information because "they wouldn't be able to come back anyway." My dad in particular was so disinterested that he asked me 2 years after treatment ended if I was in remission. My mom showed up 2 months after treatment ended and was angry when she insisted we go to a walk for my type of cancer and I didn't bring a whole group of friends with me because I was embarassed that I had to sit for a break every hundred feet.
It made it glaringly obvious that despite being raised to think that it was my fault how my parents responded to me and that my anxiety was just me being "crazy" that *I* wasn't the problem in the relationship.
My parents don't have any of the hallmarks of what you expect. They were together for 10 years before they got married, and then married for 6 years before they had kids. This year is their 40th wedding anniversary.
But they are the two most inherently selfish people I've ever met. My grandfather generously offered to pay for college, but I didn't find out until after I prioritized scholarships (which was a great choice on my grandpa's part), so I had a full tuition scholarship at a very expensive private school. My mom handled the financial side of things and had my grandfather pay the full amount, and pocketed close to $200,000 over 4 years and an additional 75K or so for my brother's 4 years. It totally ruined our relationship with my grandfather (as neither of us knew what was going on) and he eventually cut off communication with the entire branch of the family. When my grandfather passed, my cousins each got millions. I wasn't even mentioned in his obituary.
My parents are now tapping out of taking care of my grandmother, leaving my brother and I scrambling to handle packing up a house she's lived in for 40 years and move her to assisted living from 100 miles away in either direction, while also managing her quickly declining health. And yet my mom is throwing a fit because my grandmother offered to help me with a downpayment for a condo (after years of taking care of her) but she won't give my parents $100,000 to fix up their house that has almost doubled in value in the past 10 years.
As we've been dealing with caring for my grandmother, my brother said something really poignant: "I just wish they would ask about me." I went no contact for 2 years, but we're both really low contact now due to my grandmother. Every time I talk to my parents, I hear all about the kids she nannys, all of her perceived health issues, and all about my niece and nephew. I don't even get a word in edgewise to try to talk about my grandmother, and never once do either parent ask a word about how I'm doing. They do the same with my brother. We're both very successful and educated, with lots of friends. We're likeable people - and our parents certainly like to brag about us to other people. But when it comes to actually having a relationship with us in a way that doesn't offer a gain for them, we just don't matter.
My brother is a phenomenally engaged father to his kids. While I don't have kids yet, a big motivator for therapy is to make sure I don't do the same thing to my kids. My brother is also in therapy. But even if we logically know that it's my parents' brokenness, it still hurts.
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Originally Posted by Steve19605
Yes I agree with this.
The courts and laws have told men. That they are not an equal parent. They dont have the same rights and equal to the women.
Except with who is financially responsible. Then the man if more than equal.
Same thing with divorces in our country. Women are look at more like a victim.
The average child support in America is $400 a month. That's not even a week of daycare. Noncustodial parents get off easy both financially and logistically more often than not. If they are only a weekend parent, they get the fun time rather than the scramble between work, homework, activities, daily life time. And noncustodial parents, unless well off, general pay far less than half of their children's expenses.
I don't know if my father loved me or not but he was never interested in what I was doing growing up.
The only time he showed much interest was when I didn't do what he wanted. Ultimately, it didn't matter if he loved me or not because I grew up disliking him. I don't have any fond memories of us together. He passed away almost 30 years ago but today as I'm 63 years old I can look back and see he was an unhappy man. Why? I really don't know. All I know is he didn't care much for his three kids.
I'm sorry. My husband's father was like that exactly. He doesn't know why either. Maybe mental illness. Maybe some stuff that happened before my husband was even born (the family had been through a rough time, it wasn't either parent's fault but it was traumatic for everyone). Maybe genes, none of the men in the family are easy to live with and they all love to give the silent treatment when they're mad Either way, it's rough growing up like that. He was always hoping to find some answers, but never did. Maybe it's just as well.
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Either way, it's rough growing up like that. He was always hoping to find some answers, but never did. Maybe it's just as well.
