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I don't know what is up with me and what to do about It. Its like I'm torn. Part of me wants serious relationship and marriage for life. Another part fantasizes about having casual sex whenever I want.
Maybe you were meant to become an escort.
Some women are born that way you know. I mean this sincerely.
I don't know what is up with me and what to do about It. Its like I'm torn. Part of me wants serious relationship and marriage for life. Another part fantasizes about having casual sex whenever I want. I tried both and I know casual sex, open relationships and things like that don't work for me at all. But I'm stuck in daydreaming about it and flirting and teasing other guys even when I'm in a committed relationship. I don't want to be like that. I am tool old to be feeling like this. It doesn't seem to be a phase or something I'll grow out of. It's always been there.
I don't want to cheat. I feel the same if I'm in a happy relationship, or a bad one, or single, I still wish I could hook up with random guys I feel attracted to. But after it I don't feel so good. I also get bored with a guy quickly and I almost always think about some other guy I wish to have when I'm having sex with my current partner.
I don't need guys to pump up my self esteem. I don't want to sabotage my relationship or others. I'm really not like that. So what is my problem? Why am I like this? It's so exhausting.
To me it doesn't really matter if it's something from my childhood and so on. I'm dealing with it by trying to ignore it and not act on it. Sometimes I play with it but I don't cross my personal boundary. When I find a guy who falls for my games I immediately dislike him and think he is a fool and I deserve better. It's like a test. I'm afraid guys don't respect because of it and girls can sense that about me so they don't trust me. I wish I'm not like that but how? I really hate myself because of that.
I think you have some major issues with self esteem and intimacy. Somehow along the way you have internalized the message that you are just not good enough, so you keep trying to prove with all these guys that you are desirable and worthy of love and attention. Except - Catch 22 - the moment you sense that a guy might be into you, you go into a "How could a worthwhile guy fall for a loser like me" mode. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
You already seem to realize that this stance of yours is a setup for heartbreak and sabotaging any committed relationship you may find yourself in.
If you want to untangle a few of your issues, you really need to find yourself a good therapist. Telling us and yourself that you are "too busy at work" to take time for some counseling is just a cop out, and you know it - otherwise you wouldn't be posting here about it.
Get some help and stop hurting others and most importantly - yourself.
It changes when you decide that the best enduring qualities in men are not how exciting they may be in the bedroom. It's a lack of respect for intellectual, intelligence, moral, and values qualities instead of focusing only on the sexual appeal of any given potential partner. The same can be said for your self respect in the same qualities.
When you get serious with life, life will take you seriously in return and reward you accordingly. Until that day arrives and you continue to play games, you risk your own happiness and potential tragic endings.
This is called being human. You’re not designed to be monogamous, this was placed upon you by a judgmental society. Everyone wants to shack up with a ton of people they find attractive, completely natural, don’t feel bad about that. Anyone who says otherwise is full of crap.
Have to agree with you about this. Marriage and monogamy are modern societal constructs that help maintain the stability of the tribe. In that regard, it is actually very effective and very useful. For the raising and protection of children, and pair bonding in later life - it prevents us from descending into chaos.
Knowing this, we still can't deny our true nature. Also recognize there is a natural variation of the level of drive - because of hormones, personality type and so on. Maybe problematic at times given our complex society but part of human physiology.
Have to agree with you about this. Marriage and monogamy are modern societal constructs that help maintain the stability of the tribe. In that regard, it is actually very effective and very useful. For the raising and protection of children, and pair bonding in later life - it prevents us from descending into chaos.
Knowing this, we still can't deny our true nature. Also recognize there is a natural variation of the level of drive - because of hormones, personality type and so on. Maybe problematic at times given our complex society but part of human physiology.
Back in the old days when less people went to college men could only say, "I couldn't help it. It's cuz I'm a man." "It was her fault." Or, "Shut up, Woman, and know who's boss."
Now that nearly everyone is better educated the guys finally have a valid scientific excuse for straying.
I can't answer you, OP, because I think you're only giving a thin sketch of the tip of the iceberg. Go for an assessment and answer honestly. Good luck.
I think you have some major issues with self esteem and intimacy. Somehow along the way you have internalized the message that you are just not good enough, so you keep trying to prove with all these guys that you are desirable and worthy of love and attention. Except - Catch 22 - the moment you sense that a guy might be into you, you go into a "How could a worthwhile guy fall for a loser like me" mode. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
You already seem to realize that this stance of yours is a setup for heartbreak and sabotaging any committed relationship you may find yourself in.
If you want to untangle a few of your issues, you really need to find yourself a good therapist. Telling us and yourself that you are "too busy at work" to take time for some counseling is just a cop out, and you know it - otherwise you wouldn't be posting here about it.
Get some help and stop hurting others and most importantly - yourself.
This!^^^.
You just enjoying the “hunt” due to your, perhaps, yet undiscovered low self esteem - no matter how highly you think of yourself.
Just as an example regarding people’s interactions read E.Berne books “The people who play games” and “The games people play”- or something like that..
There's another book called Father Hunger that explains so much about the role of a father in the life of a child. My mom's father was abusive, mine died before I was 3, my son's was an absentee/deadbeat. I read the book at the suggestion of my son's counselor and found explanations of behavioral issues in all of us.
Another question for the op (not to answer here) is whether or not she's ever been a sexual assault victim. If so, her behavior is text book.
I don't want to sabotage my relationship or others. So what is my problem? Why am I like this? It's so exhausting. I'm afraid guys don't respect because of it and girls can sense that about me so they don't trust me. I wish I'm not like that but how? I really hate myself because of that.
My experience is that when someone asks others if they're addicted, they already know the answer & these q's show that a good counselor could be of benefit to help you have a more fulfilling life.
So are you actually having sex with all of the people you fantasize about? Or are you saying you mostly fantasize but don't follow through? I think it's important to distinguish this. To me, actively having multiple casual hookups on a frequent basis might be sex addiction whereas just creating fantasies in your head out of boredom (but not acting on them) is more like...well, about boredom. Fixing sex addiction require a period of abstinence and a 12-Step program whereas fantasizing out of boredom means you don't have enough purposeful activity in your life. Perhaps it would be a good start to get some therapy to help you distinguish what's going on.
I agree with the poster who said not everyone is meant to be married or in a serious committed relationship. If you struggle with monogamy and commitment, then you aren't ready for it. In fact, if this is a lifelong issue for you, then you may NEVER be ready for it (as I wasn't) and it will always be a push/pull in your life and something that you will never be able to resolve. Which is not easy to live with (as I have to) but it's better to be single then to ruin someone else's life. It's wrong to commit to a serious relationship and/or marriage if you aren't ready to forsake all others for the rest of your life.
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