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Old 06-06-2021, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Sandy Eggo's North County
10,137 posts, read 6,577,043 times
Reputation: 16466

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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
This is so embarrassing for me to admit.

I am 67, he is 70. During the last year my spouse has been Johnny-on-the-spot in getting the mail. I have asked if I could go fetch the mail instead but he always has an excuse why he has to do it.

Recently I discovered he had been withholding a letter from the California Department of Tax and Fee Administration. I sell online, so I had a seller's permit for California, which at the time was still our legal residence. CDTFA collects sales tax from permit holders like me. He had had this letter for a FULL YEAR before I ever saw it. Meanwhile I was getting emailed threats from the CDTFA. They were telling me if they didn't hear from me they would fine me $5,000 for every sale I made online. I had many sleepless nights.

That wasn't all.

He uses our guest house/casita as a sort of clubhouse even while he lives in the main house with me. I was over in the casita and noticed a letter in my mother's handwriting. It was a birthday card and he had been sitting on it for 7 months. "I was wondering what that card said," he remarked. I doubt he would have ever given it to me.

There's a fifteen foot long table in the casita completely covered with stacks of mail and papers. Junk everywhere. I've known for a long time he was a hoarder. I've told him I'm going to go through every stack when we return to Scottsdale.

What kind of mental dysfunction makes a person think that stealing someone else's mail to hoard is perfectly sane and reasonable?
Could be many things. If he's a hoarder from long ago, then it could be anything.(Anxiety/depression and others.)

If this is a recent/abrupt occurrence, then I'd be looking for a tumor or some other physiological reason.

If you're running a business, then I would recommend you rent a PO box or mailbox from UPS or FED-EX store. They can also accept parcels on your behalf.

Only $5000 for each transaction? Wow, that's cheap. When I had my business, the standard threat was "$10,000 per day, with each day being a new and separate violation." (SBOE's words, not mine.)

Glad I don't have to deal with that crap anymore.

 
Old 06-06-2021, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Redwood City, CA
15,242 posts, read 12,818,804 times
Reputation: 54012
Quote:
Originally Posted by NORTY FLATZ View Post
Only $5000 for each transaction? Wow, that's cheap. When I had my business, the standard threat was "$10,000 per day, with each day being a new and separate violation." (SBOE's words, not mine.)

Glad I don't have to deal with that crap anymore.
I don't have to deal with it any more, either. I moved my residence to Arizona at the first of the year as soon as I got everything straightened out. No sales reporting! I don't even have to have a seller's permit as long as I only sell on one venue.

I love AZ.
 
Old 06-06-2021, 04:06 PM
 
15 posts, read 5,551 times
Reputation: 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by kateskouros View Post
... mental illness typically develops at childhood or adolescence.
True, I agree ^
However, if it’s something that was repressed it may not be triggered until later in life, and might manifest itself in odd ways, eg. hoarding behaviours.
 
Old 06-06-2021, 04:16 PM
 
21,108 posts, read 13,420,234 times
Reputation: 19717
That hoarding is not going to change, you have to carve out whatever space you can and guard it. You solved the mail issue.
 
Old 06-06-2021, 08:57 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas, NV.
1,047 posts, read 716,941 times
Reputation: 1131
Default re-evaluate

So sorry! Yes, you have to change your address to a po box. And you have to be assertive getting him to the DR and on meds or leave. This is dangerous behavior and now he has the GOV involved.
 
Old 06-06-2021, 09:47 PM
 
Location: Redwood City, CA
15,242 posts, read 12,818,804 times
Reputation: 54012
Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam View Post
That hoarding is not going to change, you have to carve out whatever space you can and guard it. You solved the mail issue.
I know. I may be dense when it comes to people but after 30 years of being together even I can see exactly nothing has changed. Not the hoarding behavior, nor him.

He sent me this photo yesterday:




This is the storage unit he rented in 1997. We paid $2,200 a year for 23 years. There was nothing in there worth 1/100th of what we paid. He wants me to believe he hired a 1-800-GOT-JUNK truck this weekend to dispose of all the crap that was in it. It's 10 x 20 and it was full top-to-bottom, side-to-side, front-to-back. I'm supposed to say, "Good boy! You did a great job! I love you! I'll be home in an hour!"

But it's another one of his lies. The crap is all back at our California house, either in the side yard or on the back porch or the front porch or in the front yard or in the back yard or still in his car. (The garage was hoarded out long ago.) Or maybe all of the above. Because he's a bleeping hoarder and his things are more precious to him than his wife. Now it will be impossible to put the house up for sale. And we'll still have to pay $20k a year in property taxes, utilities and homeowners/earthquake insurance on a house we don't live in.

Hoarders can't be trusted or believed. They're sick in the head.
 
Old 06-06-2021, 10:27 PM
 
3,633 posts, read 6,139,519 times
Reputation: 11375
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
However, when the person who is sabotaging me is also the one closest to my heart, there are no easy choices.
Why do you let someone who is "sabotaging" you stay "close to your heart?" He is mistreating you - where is your self-esteem? It doesn't matter how far you've traveled in your van or who you've evicted or anything else - the fact is, you keep venting to strangers on a message board about a husband who clearly doesn't treat you well, and the real question is, what is making you stay in a situation that clearly makes you miserable?
 
Old 06-06-2021, 10:53 PM
 
8,238 posts, read 6,533,235 times
Reputation: 23135
Quote:
Originally Posted by ukiyo-e View Post

Why do you let someone who is "sabotaging" you stay "close to your heart?" He is mistreating you - where is your self-esteem? It doesn't matter how far you've traveled in your van or who you've evicted or anything else - the fact is, you keep venting to strangers on a message board about a husband who clearly doesn't treat you well, and the real question is, what is making you stay in a situation that clearly makes you miserable?
The usual reasons for a situation such as this are financial dependence (a big one), emotional dependence (another big one), fear of being alone, fear of never finding anyone else, fear of living life on one's own, loving parts of the person and receiving some love from the person at times.
 
Old 06-06-2021, 11:06 PM
 
Location: Redwood City, CA
15,242 posts, read 12,818,804 times
Reputation: 54012
Quote:
Originally Posted by ukiyo-e View Post
Why do you let someone who is "sabotaging" you stay "close to your heart?" He is mistreating you - where is your self-esteem? It doesn't matter how far you've traveled in your van or who you've evicted or anything else - the fact is, you keep venting to strangers on a message board about a husband who clearly doesn't treat you well, and the real question is, what is making you stay in a situation that clearly makes you miserable?

Who or what is it that forces you to read my "venting"?
 
Old 06-07-2021, 12:30 AM
 
21,108 posts, read 13,420,234 times
Reputation: 19717
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I know. I may be dense when it comes to people but after 30 years of being together even I can see exactly nothing has changed. Not the hoarding behavior, nor him.

He sent me this photo yesterday:




This is the storage unit he rented in 1997. We paid $2,200 a year for 23 years. There was nothing in there worth 1/100th of what we paid. He wants me to believe he hired a 1-800-GOT-JUNK truck this weekend to dispose of all the crap that was in it. It's 10 x 20 and it was full top-to-bottom, side-to-side, front-to-back. I'm supposed to say, "Good boy! You did a great job! I love you! I'll be home in an hour!"

But it's another one of his lies. The crap is all back at our California house, either in the side yard or on the back porch or the front porch or in the front yard or in the back yard or still in his car. (The garage was hoarded out long ago.) Or maybe all of the above. Because he's a bleeping hoarder and his things are more precious to him than his wife. Now it will be impossible to put the house up for sale. And we'll still have to pay $20k a year in property taxes, utilities and homeowners/earthquake insurance on a house we don't live in.

Hoarders can't be trusted or believed. They're sick in the head.
omg Fluffy, I have more to say tomorrow but listen, if that stuff hasn't been moved yet, change your position on the storage! It's much cheaper! Let him have it! When negotiating with hoarders,,,,,,don't push in ways that make the entire situation worse!

Develop a super great delight in anything being in a storage facility rather than at the house!
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